Nancy324-Relationship check list?

endorphin_junkie

endorphin_junkie

Cathlete
Hi Nancy, this is a carry over from the other thread on relationships. After a 7 year (yes, 7 years!) dating/relationship hiatus I have started dating someone. I met him in August, had lots of conversation and developed a crush, I asked him out for coffee a few weeks ago and now we've been out together quite a bit (his dating hiatus is unbelievably longer than mine!). At 44 and 47 dating objectives are obviously different than when we are in our 20's. From past posts I gather that you were quite methodical and focussed on what you wanted and didn't want in a relationship. I agree 100% that mutual respect is non-negotiable and wondered what else was on your check list of pros and cons, negotiables and non-negotiables? I guess I'm trying to glean some wisdom from you as whatever you did to ensure a healthy and lasting relationship worked beautifully for you. The love, mutual respect, admiration and on going support that you and your DH share is obvious. Any pearls to throw my way as I try to figure out how a middle aged woman goes about incorporating a relationship into an already full life? Hope you don't mind me asking.:)

Anyone else who wants to jump in is more than welcome:)

Take Care
Laurie
 
Oh Laurie! Your post is so flattering! I can tell you right off that from "meeting" you on these boards, I'm sure you already know everything you need to know, but I'll play along.

I remember I was seeing a therapist (a guy around my age, btw), who told me that there are plenty of great guys out there, as long as you're willing to compromise on the negotiable stuff. I remember actually being surprised to hear that, because, like you, I was at an age where I assumed most "great" guys were married. I was very encouraged by the news coming from this guy who really seemed to know what he was talking about. I think I went home and made a list with two columns of "non-negotiable" and "negotiable" characteristics I was looking for. Of course, I didn't save the list, and I don't remember everything on it, but I doubt the list would surprise you.

I'll give it some thought and see if I can remember what was on mine, and get back to you. More importantly, I recommend writing your own lists, and I recommend that to everyone who is dating.

I'm so glad you asked this guy out. Way to go!! :D And what a lucky guy!! :D

I'm also interested to see what others consider to be non-negotiable, so this should be an interesting thread. Great idea! :D

Nancy
 
I also had a list of pros and cons, my coucilor suggested it. I'm still living with my best friend, lover and lifelong soulmate. Have to remind you though, it's hard work, but worth it.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
Thanks Nancy:) I guess that's a big part of what I'm thinking about right now, what is on the list? Of course I've thought about men over the years but never put much thought into how objectives in relationships evolve over time. I'm not looking for security or a 'dad' for my 3 daughters where in the past that would probably have been on the list. Somethings are hard to get on the list. I've never had to wonder how much 'space' to give someone but I'm smart enough to know that a 47 year old man who has lived alone for more than a decade and hundreds of kilometres from his home and family is probably going to need some 'space'. I'm a nurturer by nature so I have to measure that with some patient restraint. I am really excited to be exploring time together with this person but it has stirred up so many questions and made me realise that I need to re-evalute all that I used to think I knew about dating and building a relationship. I used to dream of love and marriage and all that and was hugely blessed to live that with my husband until he died, I'm not looking for that so I have to ask myself, what am I looking for and so far the answer is "I don't know" I love being in my 40s and knowing myself so much better, I love that I don't feel neurotic and knotted up as I try to figure things out (my 30's were wicked for that). I'll get there and I love that I have this wealth of feminine knowledge, perspective, experience and advise to draw on from the ladies of the forums.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Laurie,
Your post has me smiling from ear to ear. You are in the perfect place in your life to meet someone now because you are not looking for someone to change your world. You just want to share your great life with some wonderful, deserving person.

I know it's easy to take for granted what you've accomplished in your life, but just look around you at all the people who never get to where you are. It took a lot of hard work to get where you are today. I haven't finished my list yet, but let me tell you one thing that should be at the top: someone who appreciates everything you (and the people who love you) appreciate about you, and then some. Don't waste a minute of your time on anyone who doesn't see just how great you are! :D :D You, my dear, are what they call "a great catch". ;)

Well, I'm off to the office to work, which means I should be posting a lot this afternoon. :p :p :7 :7

Nancy
 
Nancy -

We've read from your posts in the past that you wanted to be a food writer - how about a sort of Dear Abby? You seem to be pretty good at this relationship stuff!
 
Okay, here is a list, but it's just MY list. Your list may be different.

Non-negotiable:
1. Respects me and my feelings
2. Appreciates about me those things I appreciate about me
3. Can talk about and express his feelings
4. Intelligent
5. Is attractive to me
6. Articulate
7. Sense of humor


Desired, but negotiable:
1. Loves fine dining
2. Witty
3. Passionate about his work
4. Is as highly educated as I am
5. Appreciates aesthetic qualities
6. Loves long, lazy Sunday mornings doing the crossword puzzle
7. Is a homebody like me

Also two major RED SIREN items not to be ignored:
1. The family he comes from is dysfunctional or disrespectful of each other.
2. The people you care about most (like your daughters) don't really care for him.

That's kind of off the top of my head. What does your list look like?
Nancy
 
While I thoroughly agree on the non-negotiable list, Nancy, I had to chuckle at your "negotiables", especially #1!!!;-)
 
This list compiling is harder than I thought;-) I agree with all of your non-negotiables. I love your #2, I hadn't thought of it that way but agree that it's a must.

Alot of what I added to my list are things learned from past relationships and knowing what doesn't work for me.

Additional Non-negotiables
---positive attitude about day to day life
---must love himself/be secure within himself
---emotionally available
---able to adapt/be flexible when affected by the unpredictable events that inevitably occur with my children.

Desired/negotiable
---musical/love for music
---outdoorsey/active

I agree with your 'red sirens' too and have thought about that. We learn a lot about people when we see them with their good friends and family, unfortunately this fellow's family and friends live a great distance from here and I won't be afforded the opportunity to see how he interacts with them. I'm finding it's tough to come out of the safe place that 'singlehood' can be but I know very well the wonders that a healthy, happy relationship can bring to our lives.

Thanks for sharing your list with me Nancy, this newly dating, mildly confused woman appreciates it more than she can say:D

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Laurie,

I regret that I wrote that list in 5 minutes as I was running out of my office to meet my DH for dinner, but I'm glad you thought of the things I left out. When I got to the restaurant, I realized I forgot to put "emotionally well-adjusted" and "emotionally secure" or some items like that on the non-negotiable list. Upon reflection, I think I would have added "is crazy about me". LOL. Anyway, your items are great.

Also, I would add "into health and physical fitness" or something like that to my "negotiable" list as well.

My DH is all the things on my non-negotiable list and on your non-negotiable list. He is also a few of my negotiable items as well. He's even coming around to the idea that fine dining may be worth the insane Manhattan prices! :eek: How's that for training 'em well? ;)

I agree that it's hard to give up singlehood, and there are things about it I still miss today. Having a neat, uncluttered apartment instantly springs to mind. x( Also, not having to take my vacation days in big clumps because my DH likes to take "big" trips. I miss the long weekends I used to take whenever I felt like it. Of course, it is worth it in the end. I think. ;)

Nancy
 
Sorry I interrupted with your messages. I thought it was for everyone. I didn't look at the post very well. But since I did interrupt, my list was so very much like the both of yours, and I wasn't looking for anyone at the time either. I just jotted down not thinking it would ever happen. Was realy content to live alone. But then, I saw him across the crowded room....it was so romantic. It is not for weak people, there's a lot of hard work involved.

You both have a good head on your shoulders.

Janie
The idea is to die young as late as possible.

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey
 
Janie: interrupt??? No way. I think Laurie is soliciting as many responses as she can get.

Cakebaker, thank you! I think it would be a total blast to write a column of relationship advice! :D

Nancy
 
It's a great list, but IMHO, in order to get those things, you often have to possess them yourself. Two way street and all... :)
 
Green, good point. I couldn't agree with you more. Of course, Laurie has all that and a whole lot more.
Nancy
 
Janie!! Heavens!! Not an interruption in anyway:) you're post was more than welcome, I am interested in as much perspective and as many ideas as are available from you wonderful ladies. You are so right about seeing someone across the crowded room, something clicked in me the first time I met this gentleman and the next day I was thinking about him and smiling, the intangibles aren't easy to get on the list but they speak volumes.

I guess at this age I'm more cerebral about romance than I used to be, I like it though, gives me a confident feeling going into this. I like it that I'm getting weak at the knees thinking about seeing him, that bodes well. I'll add that to the list, --makes me weak at the knees;-) :7

GreenEyedLefty, I agree with you on the two way street!:)

Nancy, I'm thrilled that he fills the musical criteria. All of my past partners have loved music but were tone deaf, it was lovely to hear my Guy singing idley to himself when he was getting me a drink.

Thanks for letting me hash some of this out Ladies, you're comments and input are most welcome and appreciated.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Just an opinion coming from someone with 3 children I love very much - my problem arises only from my current DH who has not had children and doesn't really understand the parental relationship. I always think he should have been born in the generation of our fathers. A lot less understanding and adaptable. Especially since us females are nuturers and the males were more the dominate and "military styled" parent.

It has reeked havoc on my relationship with my children.

Just wanted to pass on something to look out for just in case. Not that you will necessarily end up the same way, but my DH and I are fine except where my chilren are concerned. And the negativity was years after we were married and the children were teenagers.

Big bummer for me - I feel so stuck in the middle - but just have to do what I can for each side of things.

Hopefully we will all "grow up" and learn to get along.:7
 
Jacques, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. Adaptability is huge, I would not be very good at, nor would I be willing to fragment myself between my partner and my children. It must be hard for a lot of men to go into a relationship with a woman who has children. It goes without saying that my Kids will always be priority one for me (they didn't ask to be here right!?!). The Brady Bunch and all of that was such a big lie :p

Candi, oohh, it's on the list but as I said before the list has evolved at this point in my life. My perspective on sex has changed through my 30s and with my experiences. I had a wonderful sex life with my husband until he was too sick to carry on with it, despite that I had complete intimacy with him and felt fully loved until his last breath. After his death I had a long relationship with all the great sex I wanted but no intimacy, that started to eat at my soul and was crazy making stuff. Sexual compatability is a must but I've found that in some relationships it starts good and goes bad where others it starts awkward and gets great. I'm sure it's not hard to believe that after 7 years I'm thrilled to bits to have that part of my life wake up again!;-)

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
I do not post much, but i do read alot on these forums. i just wanted to say to Laurie, Nancy and Janie that i have enjoyed this thread quite a bit. i am on the brink of 40 (i turn 38 in a couple of weeks), and i love hearing the perspective of strong women who have experienced more than myself.

one of the things that i have missed so much in my life was having a strong female presence to turn to for advice or just to get perspective from. i have always had to be the strong one in my friendships, and i realize every day how much i have missed out on by not having strong women to talk to and listen to.

anyway, i just wanted you ladies to know that your thoughts, respect and consideration for each other is greatly appreciated and enjoyable to this reader...
 
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