Mercurial
Cathlete
The Cathe Nation's Official Get Healthy / Recovery Check-In Thread
Firstly, I want to say that I've changed the title of this thread from its original title (instead of "The Cathe Nation's" it was "Mercurial's). I know, I know, it's not usually good Internet manners to make changes after people have commented, but someone on my Ask Cathe thread (Janis, I think) suggested I open it to anyone who can relate --or anyone who wants to shoot for a truly healthy lifestyle. That sounds like a great idea to me, so...
If you want to join a check-in thread where the goal is not about losing weight or gaining muscle or how many miles you log (although all are wonderful side effects), but instead is about developing healthy eating and exercise habits, feel free to post here!
xx
I posted in the Ask Cathe forum that I think I might have an eating disorder and asking for advice on which way is up, essentially. Janis suggested I start a check-in thread, so here I am.
xx
Today was especially hard for me because I tried to eat "normally." I had dry FiberOne cereal (160 cals) for breakfast and a school lunch of chicken nuggets and peas and skim milk (approximately 500 calories?). I ate a small cookie when I came home (50?) and I havent had dinner yet. I am supposed to be going to a volunteer thing this evening, and dinner will be served there. I dont know what they're serving.
I weighed myself when I got home and saw that I was up a pound on the scale. That scares me, because I feel like all my hard work is becoming undone. I do think that I need a new scale though (mine is digital), because I can step on it and it will read one number, and then I can step on it a second later, and it can read a number two pounds less.
xx
Morningstar suggested I ask myself a few questions... and so this will be my first post --my answers.
Why do you think you eat so little?
I think I might have a social anxiety problem. I would be fine with who I am and how I look if I was a hermit, but I live in a very populated place and am constantly worried about how others see me and perceive me. I dont want people to associate "fat" AKA "ugly" AKA "stupid" AKA "wrong" with me. I think that if others see me as perfect, then maybe I really will be "perfect" AKA "beautiful" AKA "happy" AKA "good."
It probably doesnt help that I live in a city where most sixteen-year-old girls receive brand new cars and nose jobs for their birthdays. (Believe it or not, it isnt Beverly Hills. )
Does your family know how little you eat or are you hiding it from them?
They do know, sort of. I have never openly told them, but I dont hide how little I eat or my exercise from them at all. My dad used to show concern, but ever since I turned 18, he seems to act as if his job is done. I have noticed that he brings home fattening foods a lot though.
Do you take pride in how little you eat?
I am proud of myself whenever I meet my goals I set for myself, whether they are about food or not. Food often is a goal for me, so yes, I am usually proud of my progress. I am not so proud that I would brag about it though.
Do you take laxatives when you eat too much?
Never. I know that they are not helpful with fat loss at all. I just make sure that when I eat, I eat a lot of fiber so I can still... you know. Go.
Do you binge and/or purge?
I can usually control my urge to binge, and when I do binge, it is often out of anger --not necessarily out of a loss of control. I used to purge, but I cant get my body to vomit anymore. I exercise harder and longer now as a way to purge my calories if I binge.
How do you feel emotionally when you deny yourself food? Does it feel empowering and like you are in control?
Sometimes I feel in control, but other times I feel very scared that this feels "right" to me and wonder just how much control I have anymore. I always feel upset when I deny myself food. It's not that I'm upset about not eating; it's just a reminder that I have not yet reached my goals, and that is what upsets me.
How do you feel when you eat "too much"? Do you feel ashamed and like you're a bad person?
Yes. I feel disgusted with myself because I do base my idea of success off of my amount of calories I consume and amount of calories I burn. I feel like I cant accomplish anything when I screw up by eating too much.
What do you think about someone else eating the way you do? What if a friend ate the way you do? What advice would you give her?
I think that being "pro-anorexia / bulimia / etc" is the same thing as being "pro-murder."
Being the way I am is not something I would encourage in any way, and if I knew how to help a friend, I would. I would tell her that I am there for her, if she ever needs to talk, and that I understand and that she doesnt need to be scared. Advice to give... I dont know, honestly. I might suggest that if she feels ready to recover, there is a group therapy center nearby that is known to help eating-disordered people. I dont know what I would say beyond that, though. If I did, I would give myself the same advice.
Firstly, I want to say that I've changed the title of this thread from its original title (instead of "The Cathe Nation's" it was "Mercurial's). I know, I know, it's not usually good Internet manners to make changes after people have commented, but someone on my Ask Cathe thread (Janis, I think) suggested I open it to anyone who can relate --or anyone who wants to shoot for a truly healthy lifestyle. That sounds like a great idea to me, so...
If you want to join a check-in thread where the goal is not about losing weight or gaining muscle or how many miles you log (although all are wonderful side effects), but instead is about developing healthy eating and exercise habits, feel free to post here!
xx
I posted in the Ask Cathe forum that I think I might have an eating disorder and asking for advice on which way is up, essentially. Janis suggested I start a check-in thread, so here I am.
xx
Today was especially hard for me because I tried to eat "normally." I had dry FiberOne cereal (160 cals) for breakfast and a school lunch of chicken nuggets and peas and skim milk (approximately 500 calories?). I ate a small cookie when I came home (50?) and I havent had dinner yet. I am supposed to be going to a volunteer thing this evening, and dinner will be served there. I dont know what they're serving.
I weighed myself when I got home and saw that I was up a pound on the scale. That scares me, because I feel like all my hard work is becoming undone. I do think that I need a new scale though (mine is digital), because I can step on it and it will read one number, and then I can step on it a second later, and it can read a number two pounds less.
xx
Morningstar suggested I ask myself a few questions... and so this will be my first post --my answers.
Why do you think you eat so little?
I think I might have a social anxiety problem. I would be fine with who I am and how I look if I was a hermit, but I live in a very populated place and am constantly worried about how others see me and perceive me. I dont want people to associate "fat" AKA "ugly" AKA "stupid" AKA "wrong" with me. I think that if others see me as perfect, then maybe I really will be "perfect" AKA "beautiful" AKA "happy" AKA "good."
It probably doesnt help that I live in a city where most sixteen-year-old girls receive brand new cars and nose jobs for their birthdays. (Believe it or not, it isnt Beverly Hills. )
Does your family know how little you eat or are you hiding it from them?
They do know, sort of. I have never openly told them, but I dont hide how little I eat or my exercise from them at all. My dad used to show concern, but ever since I turned 18, he seems to act as if his job is done. I have noticed that he brings home fattening foods a lot though.
Do you take pride in how little you eat?
I am proud of myself whenever I meet my goals I set for myself, whether they are about food or not. Food often is a goal for me, so yes, I am usually proud of my progress. I am not so proud that I would brag about it though.
Do you take laxatives when you eat too much?
Never. I know that they are not helpful with fat loss at all. I just make sure that when I eat, I eat a lot of fiber so I can still... you know. Go.
Do you binge and/or purge?
I can usually control my urge to binge, and when I do binge, it is often out of anger --not necessarily out of a loss of control. I used to purge, but I cant get my body to vomit anymore. I exercise harder and longer now as a way to purge my calories if I binge.
How do you feel emotionally when you deny yourself food? Does it feel empowering and like you are in control?
Sometimes I feel in control, but other times I feel very scared that this feels "right" to me and wonder just how much control I have anymore. I always feel upset when I deny myself food. It's not that I'm upset about not eating; it's just a reminder that I have not yet reached my goals, and that is what upsets me.
How do you feel when you eat "too much"? Do you feel ashamed and like you're a bad person?
Yes. I feel disgusted with myself because I do base my idea of success off of my amount of calories I consume and amount of calories I burn. I feel like I cant accomplish anything when I screw up by eating too much.
What do you think about someone else eating the way you do? What if a friend ate the way you do? What advice would you give her?
I think that being "pro-anorexia / bulimia / etc" is the same thing as being "pro-murder."
Being the way I am is not something I would encourage in any way, and if I knew how to help a friend, I would. I would tell her that I am there for her, if she ever needs to talk, and that I understand and that she doesnt need to be scared. Advice to give... I dont know, honestly. I might suggest that if she feels ready to recover, there is a group therapy center nearby that is known to help eating-disordered people. I dont know what I would say beyond that, though. If I did, I would give myself the same advice.
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