Laboring over what my next move should be.....(a little...

carrie123

carrie123

Cathlete
My DH has an offer for an incredible position on the table for a new job in Plattsburgh NY. Director of a Charter Airline for Executive Jets.

It a very rural community, with not alot to offer as far as other jobs in the area go.

We have been wanting to move back to NYS. We love the outdoors and supposedly the school system there is great for the kids.
Anyways, I was supposed to start graduate school this semester here in Ohio for School Counseling. My DH won't know anything for sure until February or March. But if it doesn't work out, then I will have lost a semester and any living expenses that I had set up. I hate putting anything off when I feel like I should always be pushing forward. I also risk not being able to find at least a temporary job (job hunt, interview process, etc. all takes time) until we move, if we move. It almost feels like limbo...the waiting is driving me crazy. And the pressure of the unknown is worse. I guess if anything; if things don't work out and we don't move we can at least move closer to his job and my school here, which is 1 1/2 hrs. one way. It can really wipe a person out.

I'm just the type of person where I feel we need to always put forth an equal amount of work into our relationship, financially, parenting, etc.

So if I am at a stand still I will feel like I'm the one not pulling my weight. I really hate that feeling. My DH is very understanding and never pressures me, and we have a great relationship, (with occasional ups and downs) I just don't want to end up feeling like a burden on his shoulders, things always go down hill from there, usually. I don't really know anyone, who truly wants to be the sole supporter of their spouse.

I definately want what's best for everyone.

OK now it's time to dive back into Cathe's w/o's. They always put a fresh perspective on things for me. I think the November workout with a 6 inch step might be appropriate, since I'm starting fresh again, I let myself slip the last couple of months, and haven't did much for exercise.


Thanks for listening.


Carrie

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Sometimes being in limbo and/or at a standstill cannot be avoided. I personally don't think you're being a burden in the relationship by "not pulling your weight"; obviously you have long-term goals in mind and I don't think that will change regardless of what your DH's work path becomes.

My DH was the soul of support (emotional AND financial) when back in 1998 I wanted to totally change careers from right-of-way real estate acquisition / relocation for government agencies to being a paralegal. I chose, with his full applause (word carefully chosen) a full-time study program that kept me completely out of the workforce for four months, and then (again with his full applause) I volunteered completely without pay for an office which later hired me as its sole paralegal. I did go back to temping for awhile during the job search, because I too felt I wasn't "pulling my weight" in the household by not bringing in a paycheck. DH was indifferent to the money - he just wanted me to be happy. I have the feeling your DH is the same way.

Question: are there any distance learning programs (preferably those associated with an accredited brick-and-mortar college or university) that you could get your counseling degree through? (Please forgive the 10,000 grammatical felonies in that last sentence.) Maybe if there are, then your academic training wouldn't have to be so tied to geographical location.

Just a thought -

Good luck!

A-Jock
 
Over the years I've worked full time, part time and been a stay at home mom. By profession I'm an RN which has allowed a lot of flexibility. After being laid off last fall I'm now back to being a stay at home Mom. My daughter is a junior in high school and I figured if I wanted to experience that again it was now or never. There's many more options to being a valued family member than bringing in a paycheck. There's things I can do at home that I could never tackle while working. I'm not sure what I'll do long term but that's another story.

Being in limbo is hard but it doesn't decrease your value as a mom and wife. This is a case where I'd say look at the big picture and decide what would be best in the long run. I'd probably also tend to look at the bird in the hand rather than in the bush in other words your hubby doesn't have the job yet. Even if the job is a pretty sure thing would you really want to be moving in the spring? If we were in your situation we would probably opt to live separately for a few months and not move the entire family till school was out in the summer. Would your college credits transfer? If so you could still take your classes as planned. But if it means starting all over again after moving then maybe it'd be better to wait until you know for sure. I think the suggestion of online courses is great too.

If you end up not working or being in school for a few months use the time to do something you couldn't do before. There's lots of options like home improvement projects, or doing some volunteer work for the schools, food bank etc. Don't forget that selling a home and having it constantly ready for showing is a full time job in itself. What about crafts or stuff like that? One of my goals for this upcoming year is to do more sewing and I'm going to make at least one quilt. I also want to learn more so I can do more of our plumbing, wiring, and auto maintenance. Do you like to cook? Being at home allows me more time to try new recipes and cuts down on convenience food and eating out. One of the biggest benefits right now is not having a conflict between work and wanting or needing one of us to be home when DD is sick. That's just a few examples of how I can contribute more to our family while not bringing in a paycheck and they can be very rewarding.

Good luck with your decision.

Diana
 
RE: Laboring over what my next move should be.....(a li...

Thank yoiu so much Diana. You have given me some really important things to think about in my life. Especially my two kids, who are also in Jr. High.

I have missed them an awful lot, with them at school during the day and me at school in the evening through late night and studying on the weekends.

Thank you again, you don't know how much it means to me that you've taken the time to reply with such thought. And you are absolutely right. I think I'll substitute teach for awhile and stay in the school system and still keep any flexibility.

Oh yeah, my counselor said I can still stay enrolled in case things don't work out, so my place in the program will be there in the fall.


Carrie

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http://www.picturetrail.com/uid6743693"
 
Carrie:

I was going to say, go ahead and start the program you are enrolled in because you never know what will happen in the future, but it sounds as if you have temporarily put it on hold. Shame.

If that is so, is there any way you can still be occupied usefully in learning about your intended future career? For example, are you allowed to shadow a school counsellor for a while? Can you volunteer in other capacities at a local school?

I understand the stress of this situation. You want things for yourself and you want your husband to have things for himself. You neither want to hold him back, nor do you want to sit dutifully at home because that will not satisfy you. You both need chances to pursue your goals, but what has to be discussed constantly and reviewed periodically in your marriage is the timimg of each person's pursuing of their goals. Even if you temporarily take a back seat career wise, keep your goals alive, keep the fire burning under them. And, entertain the notion of both long-distance learning and temporarily being away from your family while you pursue your program of choice. It is also possible that you do your program, just as you had planned, but that the family lives apart for a short while, the kids staying in school where they are and staying with you, with long weekend visits to keep the family love alive.

If my ambition were strong and so were my husband's, and if our love and respect for eachother were equally strong, I would entertain the latter notion: doing my degree in Ohio, keeping the kids with me, letting my husband go off to his new job and get temporary housing, then we spend all holidays together and share travelling time during semester time. And the reason is that not pursuing your goals can make you into an embittered, unhappy person and that can take a huge toll on a marriage. If your course is a 2 year one, this can be done. My husband came to the States from the UK to do his PhD, and left me behind in London. I worked in London for 2 years without him. Yes, I missed him like crazy, but I sent him loads of letters, called a ton, spent a long Summer vacation over here with him, and then came over to study so I could be with him after that. The separation was tough but I made it and it did not affect my love for him nor his for me at all.

Sometimes situations and life can become very un-ideal. But they can be survived just fine. Follow your heart and demand flexibility from all family members if you need it because what makes you happy makes the whole family happier in the long run. This I know from personal experience.

Clare
 
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