Just a Stupid Girl :(

endorphin_junkie

endorphin_junkie

Cathlete
Time for me to vent and garner some sage advice/support from you lovely ladies:) It's almost 10 years since I was widowed, I've made good use of those 10 years raising my Kids, going back to school, moving to a new city and starting a new career. At times I missed being 'coupled' but, for me, it was best to put my energy into the kids and myself so I didn't date and that was okay. I started dating last year and have met some interesting men and had some very nice times. From April to July I dated one fellow exclusively and felt my heart softening towards him but my head knew that it was destined to fail (he's attractive, kind, funny and intelligent but very much a self involved bachelor). I broke it off and shut down all contact, I ran into him by chance last week and it was like some adrenaline valve got turned on and I can't shut it off. He played me like a fiddle when I saw him, we have so much chemistry and he got close to me and said 'there is such a comfort between us'. It was all I could do not to jump him in the parking lot;-). Having his attention and affection ignited something in me and now I want to put Pandora back in the box. I feel more alone now than I ever have in my life and it sucks HUGE! I pray that I will love again but it feels like the scar tissue that is my heart got pried open and fresh wounds have been exposed. I wish I could harden up but that's not me. I haven't had anxiety and insomnia in years but it's back with a vengance. My inner brat is having an extended tantrum and needs a major smack down! What's a stupid girl to do?

Thanks for listening..

Take Care
Laurie
 
I have no idea what you should do, but have to offer you a {{{hug}}}. You are NOT a stupid girl, and I expect with a few hours of soul searching, you'll reach the right decision, whatever that is for you.
 
{{{{{Laurie}}}}} -- you came to the right place. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I know this much -- you're NOT a stupid girl! You're warm, loving, intelligent, witty, wise -- I just can't think of enough good things to say about you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, and I know that you'll find peace and contentment in your life again. I truly believe that what goes around comes around, and what you've sent around has all been good :*
 
Oh, Laurie.
From one stupid girl to another, you're NOT ALONE!
NOT ALONE at all!

I feel for you!
I really do.

You know you, right?
You know yourself and what you want and need, right?
Listen to your heart and your head (not the libido, lol).
Take your time too.
What are you looking for?
For you and for your kids?

It will be 3 years next month since my DH passed away. I've learned SO MUCH about myself and what I'm capable of in those 3 years (and the 18 months of his illness). PLUS....I've learned alot of very important things about what a widow needs (and the children left behind also), and that it is different than what a single woman or even a divored mom needs (I'm not downplaying a divorcee in ANY way).....we just need something different.

I'm talking in circles, I believe, so I'm going to go paint my extra bedroom now and will think what I'm trying to say. Hopefully I'll be able to come back and make more sense. PROMISE!

I miss being a couple as well. Knowing that somebody will be coming home to you at the end of the day. Somebody to help with the kids. Somebody to take care of YOU when you need it. I miss all that too. But like you, it was best for me to focus on the kids and myself, and that's how I've come to be where I am today. I'm a completely different person than I was 4 years ago. COMPLETELY different. In a good way....I'm upfront, out-going (usually), I say what's on my mind (good or bad), and I take care of myself now.

Again, I'll be back, I PROMISE, after I mull on this a little more. I do all my best thinking when I'm working on a house project! BBL

Gayle

p.s. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!! THIS IS ALL NORMAL!
 
Laurie!!! You are about as far from being a stupid girl as a girl can get!!! You're a wonderful, smart, beautiful woman. I sure don't have any words of wisdom either, but just know that you are da bomb diggity (in the words of Beavs and Boybert) and that all the love you give out will come back in spades!
 
Hi Laurie--I haven't been through the trauma you have but I have been in the dating scene far longer than I care to admit. I don't know how old you are but I'm approaching 40 & boy are single, decent men hard to find at this age!

Anyway, I had a relationship similar to what you described & all I can say is RUN!!!!!!! Unless you can stay emotionally detached & not have any expectations about a long term relationship, a committed relationship or, for that matter, a guy who isn't gonna fool around, this does not sound like the right man for you. He sounds like a player & I don't want to see you (or anyone!) get hurt the way I did.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably spend the rest of my life alone. This is NOT a complaint, I actually love my life & if I could cut down on some of my work hours I'd be one of the happiest women in the world. Would I like someone in my life who cares about me? Sure. But I don't HAVE to have him. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll come along someday, but in the meantime I focus on all the other wonderful aspects of my life & I honestly do feel very fulfilled.

My old saying: your life is a cake. Your cake is what you make it. The man is just the icing on top. And cakes can taste d*mn good even without icing. ;-)
 
Thanks so much ladies....I know I'm not really a stupid girl but I've been so taken aback by the intensity of the yearning. It consumes me and I know that mental discipline is going to be key in re-focussing but the brat abides:). I guess growing pains never really go away. I know from experience that anxiety changes nothing and retrospect almost always makes a fool of that directionless anxiety. I'm going to lay on the floor kicking and pounding, demanding that the Universe gives me peace NOW!!!!:+ :p :)

Your kind words, support and hugs mean more to me than I can say :*

Take Care
Laurie

ETA, thanks Laura:) I'm 45 now which I think is factoring in but considering the alternative I'm embracing it (trying to...;)). My life really is cake and very sweet, thanks for your perspective.
 
(Taking a break from painting)

Laura....I LOVE that old saying of yours! And you're right....cake is just delish with plain ol' powdered sugar sprinkled on top! LOL

Laurie-I really like what Laura said about being single but not complaining.

I love my life right now...with or without a man in it. My kids are happy and healthy, I'm healthy and am enjoying these house projects that I get to do and organize.

It's tough...doing what we do day in and day out. The kids, the house, the job, the finances, yada yada yada....but we all do it.

My cake....it's a rich vanilla cake with some colored sprinkled baked inside. Now and then I just top it with fat free cool whip! LOL LOVE that analogy, Laura! LOL

Gayle
 
I think Laura has really got a point. It's up to you to make your own happiness and if the right man (one who is da bomb diggity ;-) ) can fit into the mix all the better but if not, you have children, family, and friends to spend your days with. Those who believe marriage, at any cost, is the key to personal happiness often find themselves let down, even if they can't admit it.
 
LOL it took me years to rationalize my permanently single status w/that analogy Gayle.

I think my cake is devil's food. }( I will, however, join you w/the cool whip........;)
 
Awww Laurie. Since Shellers said it so well, already, I will just give you huge ((hugs)). You are amazing. Just remember that.




Debbie


Brain cells come & brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 
You know Laurie, I just want to thank you fo r this post! I have been having a similar experience myself the last few weeks and it has been making me miserable. Reading your post (as well as the replies of all the other wonderful women who've replied) has made me feel soooo much better!

Until recently I was seeing a very sweet, attractive, intelligent guy who I got on really well with but he kept pointing out that he did not want a 'relationship'. I decided to end things because I felt myself getting too attached and could see that I was going to get hurt if I wasn't careful. Anyway, he keeps contacting me, saying how much he 'likes' me (and can he come over to mine for the evening - I think NOT) but still says that he doesn't want a relationship right now. *rolls eyes*

I'm 26, have never been married (not even close) and I seem to keep getting involved with intelligent and attractive men who refuse to commit to a relationship. I keep wondering if there is something wrong with me - all my female friends are in long-term relationships and sometimes it seems like everyone has someone but me. Reading your post though has reminded me that it is definitely better to be single than be with the wrong person! It also reminded me of something that my taekwondo instructor once said which went something along the lines of "if you value yourself and who you are you do not NEED the love of anyone else, so don't waste your time trying to get the affections of others and instead spend your time and energy on improving yourself - on developing your body,soul and spirit".

Here's to all you wonderful and inspiring women of all ages (single or not) who work so hard to improve the quality of your lives by working out regularly with Cathe :7

Pilsung,

Sally x
 
Laurie,I agree with the rest of the gals! Your not a stupid girl! If anything you are a smart girl who built walls to prevent herself from getting hurt...while taking care of your kids. But what about when your kids are grown and have their own lives? What will you do then?
Gayles words really bright to life what a single, windowed mother must go through and to put your kids first is an amazing thing to do! Im sure I would do the same but 10 yrs is a long time to be single and devote entirely to your family.
Prehaps you have more feelings for this man then you are prepared to admit? Prehaps you have been alone long enough? Or prehaps you just decided it wasn't going anywhere b/c you didn't want to get hurt? But maybe there is more there then you realize.

My hat is off to you ladies b/c if something happened to my DH Im not so sure I could live alone for so long. No doubt my kids would keep me busy but there is a part of me that needs companionship that kids can not fill. I guess if you fill your life up with enough things then the void is not as noticable. With that being said, Im sure it would take me a while to move on b/c I don't think I could find anyone else like my DH and thats what I would be looking for.
But the gals are right again, with much soul searching you will find the answers you are looking for.
Lori:)
 
Wow! You gals are GOOOOOD!!!!:) I'm printing this thread off so that I can re-visit everyone's perspective if (when) my inner brat shows up later. Honestly, 99% of the time I'm settled and happy but this kinda threw me off kilter.

Sally, thanks for posting, there is consolation in knowing that I'm not alone in my experience.

I really am an endorphin junkie but after getting my endorphins while vertical for so long I was loving getting a good dose of them in the horizontal mode:eek: ;-) :7......oops sorry, did I type that out loud???}( :+

Take Care
Laurie
 
Laurie,

Why are you smacking down your feelings? Why not just go for it with your eyes wide open, knowing that this is not Mr. Forever, and just enjoy it for what it is? Life is short. Why squelch your passions? True, you may get hurt. But it may be worth the great experience you have. Not every relationship can be a permanent one, but each one has its own value. Don't take "chemistry" for granted. It doesn't come along that often. Why waste it?

Hugs,
Nancy
 
I agree w/ Nancy. My first thought was, rip his clothes off, nail him in the parking lot and treat him like the boy toy that he is...it sounds like he would enjoy that as well. Uh, did I say that out loud? I mean, enjoy the wonderful things you have to offer each other while you can and remain open to whatever else the universe will bring to you.
 
I hear you loud and clear Nancy and Jody and I agree that works for some, might even work for me if I hadn't started to have more feelings for him. I was enjoying the ride very much and taking it for what it was, however, I'm not the only rider;) It's not in my make up to 'see' men who 'see' other women. Not good for my emotional health and too risky for my physical health. Thanks for the input:)

Take Care
Laurie
 
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