In-Law problems

[KimDW]

Does anyone else have problems with their in-laws? They always have to play the victim and have all this drama. My DH and I don't let them run our lives like they do his sister's. He calls them Sunday to tell him he's going to be playing at this club next month (as they requested). His dad answered the phone saying "Oh... well hi. Haven't heard from YOU in awhile. It was my birthday last week and we didn't hear from you then either. We didn't know what was going on. We thought something had happened." Well, we forgot his dad's birthday. So yes we are at fault there. But things like that happen (we've never forgotten it before - they forgot mine for 4 years in a row). These are people who want to get together for everything (labor day, memorial day, EVERYONE'S birthday). His mom always calls us (even if it's her birthday) to see if we are available to go out to eat on the weekend Sat or Sun. Nobody called last week. I think, and so does DH, that they purposely didn't call so when DH did call they could make him feel like crap. And they did. He said he was sorry and that we've just been busy. They always are telling him "Well we never talk to you or see you and never know what's going on." He told them that the phone goes both ways - they can call him. "Well we don't want to bother you." All they want to talk about is the same old stuff - their problems along with the SIL problems. I'm getting to the point that I can't stand to be around them and am afraid to say anything because I get so hatefull around them. They get their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. I asked his mom one time where the toilet paper was because she was out in the bathroom she said "I'm doing the best I can around here. I don't know where the toilet paper is." This wasn't just having a bad day kind of mood. This is how she all the time. You can't speak your mind at all around them or state your opinion. His dad is constantly making up stories to impress people. There are no such things as normal conversations either. They speak to you like it's a rehersed script. Sorry to vent. It just makes me mad that they act like that with DH. Any advice? OH, we've been together since high school (about 18 years) and married for almost 9. We live not even 10 mins away from them.

Kimbra

 

[40something]

Kimbra...I could write novels about the crap my In-Laws have pulled since I have known them...20+ years now.

In a nut shell...they are extremely self-centered, stingy, arrogant, hypocritical, cheap, hill-billies. Unfortunately for them, I don't take their crap so they stopped playing the mind games with DH years ago. They leave us alone and we see them about twice a year and that is plenty. As long as everyone behaves I can go to their house and put my smile on and grit me teeth. But if any of them tries to start anything like...Gee, why didn't we see you at so-and-so's wedding, or why haven't you called lately...then they get an ear full. As you can tell, I have no time for any of them anymore.

My DH on the other hand got a great family of In-Laws on my side and he tells me I got jipped with the In-Laws I inherited via marriage.

It definitely helps if your spouse can see that their family is causing problems and you work together to find a way to deal with the offending family of in-laws. If my H let his family walk all over him with their crap, we would not be married today. The first 3 years were the worst because I kept trying to bite my tongue and just stay out of it...but then one day I had to tell my mother in law to leave my house so things just sort of went down hill from there. We definitely came to an understanding that day.

And now, the less we see of them, the happier we are.

 

[Mic]

I won't go into detail about my in-laws but I completely understand the whole drama routine. I also understand the wanting to get together for every little thing, needless to say we are not exactly on the best terms. Oh and don't let me go into how they like to interfere with how we raise the kids, especially the youngest one. All I can say is hang in there:.)

 

[pink_fortitude]

I understand how you feel, too, boy do I! They sound like my Dad, Grandmother, and MIL rolled into one! I have many, MANY stories that I can share with you about our families, M-A-N-Y! But the truth is that they DO love us, even in their very wierd and strange ways. I know that there is a lot in my Grandmother's past that has made her crazy, same with MIL. My dad is off because of Grandmother, and so on... That doesn't make it right or excuse their actions because we don't let them pull stuff on us (my father is king of "why don't you call" WHEN HE HASN'T CALLED ME ONCE IN THREE YEARS!!!). We just have to pray really hard before we visit for patience and understanding. And we have to be honest with them about how they make us feel. Talking to my dad is... well, he has deaf ears but luckily he lives so far away that we only have to endure his family a couple of times a year, and for short periods of time. But Dan has had many talks with his mom (who also, apparently, has no ears or care about his feelings or opinions). It has been very hard for him - for us actually because she lives so close. I just do everything I can to make him feel better because no matter how bad it is for me, it is 5 times worse for him; I mean this is the woman who gave birth to him, who is supposed to love him unconditionally and unfalteringly. I couldn't imagine my mother doing that to me, so I do what I can to make him feel loved. I don't want him to turn against his mom, so I make sure that I don't say anything bad about her to him (I save that for my girlfriends!), but I listen when he wants to rant, again without adding my own fuel. One thing that he doesn't do is GIVE IN! He doesn't let her dictate any aspect of his life: what house he lives in (that was a major fight), how he raises his kids (another one), work... and his sisters and brother do. Their life is more peaceful, but it isn't their own, so... guess who gets picked on?

I guess, to sum it all up... I know how you feel! Rant any time!

Missy (sorry so long when I didn't want to get into detail! )