I was so mad...

A

ALIO0026

Cathlete
My mother-in-law is staying with us for about 2weeks. She visits us 3times a year. Just about everytime she comes she cuts my daughters bangs without asking or telling me. This time she really did it thought she totally messed them up! too short and uneven I was so ticked. But, stupid me I didnt say anything ,I guess I just dont want to start anything. I know her she will get all offensive or something. I really do need to say something this happent 2days ago and Im still steamed. I need some advice on how to aproach her about it. HELP!


http://www.picturetrail.com/alio0026
 
Oh my gosh. I am speechless. That is aweful, I mean REALLY bad! At least she is young enough where other kids won't make fun of her. And hair does grow back.

Before I say anything else, have you talked to DH? What does he say?

Missy
 
That's a horrible bang cut! Why does she do that?

At least your youngest is at an age where it probably doesn't bother HER that much.

Could you take this up with your DH first, and see what he thinks? And maybe have him approach his mother about it?

(Or, have a friend "drop by" and when your little one is out of earshot, but MIL is in the room, have her innocently mention how aweful your daughters haircut is, as a friend talking honestly to another friend (you), as if she thinks YOU did the hack job).
 
My son (7 at the time)......cut his own hair, it was bad, he said he "fell" on the scissors..........it didn't look as bad as that 'haircut' your MIL did to your dd............I would ask her next time please, leave it to you to tend to your children, as you were trying to grow them out to one length........
 
Whenever there is a problem between us and MIL, DH is the one who handles it. If there is a problem with us and my mom, I handle it. Since he stands behind you and is giving you permission to say something, you need to say something. She is her granddaughter, but she is YOUR daughter, and there are boundaries that shouldn't ever be crossed concerning the welfare of your child, and deciding when to get her a haircut is YOUR job, not hers.

First, I would say something to soften the blow like "the girls love it when you are here, and you are so great at helping out around the house, etc...; however...." You could just tell her, not just that it was a bad haircut, but that you feel like she is overstepping her boundaries when she takes it upon herself to do things like that. If she wanted to go with you to get her hair cut, if she needed it, that is fine. You are her mother, and because you are her mother it is your right to have a say in what is allowed as far as you kids are concerned, not hers. I understand that she only sees them few times a year, but that time needs to be enjoyable for everyone. If she goes on about how she never gets to see them, yada yada, I would probably also let her know that she is a guest in your house and you feel like she is taking advantage of your kindness when she does this, and because I can be mean I would let her know she could see them alot less, depending on her attitude. If it continues... honestly our parents have lost some priviledges because of things that we feel strongly about weren't honored and respected. Being a grandparent isn't a right, but a priviledge. (I would be lying if I didn't say that there was some pleasure in repeating the very things that my parents said to me! :p) There are some things that Grandparents are allowed to do. They can spoil and give all the tooth-rotting candy that they want, buy all the toys that they want. But there are certain things shouldn't be permitted.

If your husband wants to say something to her, let him. Their relationship dynamics are something that you cannot control or interfere in. I understand you wanting to keep the peace, though. It is not fun at all. If he does say something before you get a chance, and she comes to you it could be your opportunity to let her know that you agree with your husband. Then she will see that you are united and that she really needs to stop.

Good luck!

Missy

ETA, I just reread my post, and it sounded a little rude. I would be very polite yet firm at first, and then get more intense if she doesn't respect you.
 
I would be mad, too. If this is her worst offense, I'd be very careful confronting her. Afterall, she is your MIL and no purpose will be served by having a blow up. I would take preventive measures for her next visit. Let her know while she's gushing over your beautiful daughters that you're letting the little one's bangs grow out. Have 'em in a cute little barrette or something. ...and hide the scissors.

Good luck! My MIL was a beast in my eyes when my DD was that age. The best advice I ever got was "don't burn any bridges" with her.

~ Kim

"Welcome the challenge...embrace it...don't fear it." - Cathe Friedrich
 
The best advice I ever got was "don't burn any bridges"
>with her.

I wonder if anyone gave her that advice concerning you??? Respect is a two way street. We all have to give and compromise to meet in the middle, and we have to consider the feelings of others. Nobody should be a doormat.

Missy
 
Missy ~

...I'm no doormat. I pick my battles carefully. My mom used to watch my daughter when she was a baby. One day my MIL called my mom and asked HER if she could take the baby. Well, my mom knew that I WAS THE ONE she should have been asking and my mom called me to let me know MIL had called her and why. I proceeded to call my MIL and let her know that she should have asked ME not my mom. (I would have said "Yeah..sure!") But no sooner had I made my feelings known, she blew up and then started crying...blah, blah, blah. We finally cleared the air but that one incident let her know that I was her granddaughter's MOTHER and it was I that needed to be shown respect. My MIL crossed a lot of boundaries when my daughter was little and I overlooked things to keep peace. Now that my daughter is 18, looking back I'm glad I kept my mouth shut about much of it. I vented to DH and girlfriends and got over it. I've voiced my opinions and made my feelings known while being careful not to be hurtful or disrespectful. At the end of day, we can't be responsible for anyone else's behavior. We all have a choice as to how we respond to situations. And I think that's the key. Choosing how you're going to respond. Now, after being together 20+ years, I'm glad I didn't confront her about most things. We have harmony in our families...we get together at least once a week with both sets of our parents. They're blessings..."warts and all".

~ Kim

"Welcome the challenge...embrace it...don't fear it." - Cathe Friedrich
 
Wow I guess she flunked the hairstylist licensing exam! She has some nerve to do that without any permission. The passive agressive way to make her stop is let your daughter's hair grow in one length. No more bangs. You and your oldest daughters don't have them and let's be honest, bangs can be a headache to maintain. You can buy a couple of cute headbands to hide that mess until it grows out and when it's long enough to control with bobby pins do that until the hair is all in one length. Just my opinion. And please let her know what she did was wrong. You can find a way to do that without offending her. I mean you can even send her that picture, she has to admit that she cut her bangs badly when she sees that, unless she's delusional, or needs an eye exam. Good luck.
 
You've been given a lot of excellent advise. Personally I think the best being do not burn bridges. I know this really ticks you off - it would me too! I think maybe you should simply wait until the next time your MIL is scheduled to be out here and the first day she is here, ask her to go with you to a hair appointment for your daughter as you value her advice in hair styling. Then go and together decide how your daughter's hair should look. You're MIL wouldn't dare cut the bangs as she is the one who suggested the style, and you'll be happier as someone professional cut your dd's hair. You'll get what you want and MIL will be flattered that you asked her opinion. Everyone wins.
 
I think you need to let your DH handle this. I would offer no comment about the situation to your MIL at all. If she gets ruffled, so be it. But she will get over it alot faster since it came from her son as opposed to it coming from you. I have ALOT of experience in this field and I have learned to "pick my points" as to what is important enough to step in. Thankfully the hair will grow back, which is the important thing.

Oh...and the next time she visits, remove all scissors from the house!

Take care!
 
I'm with Shelley on this one. This woman has no sense of boundaries. She needs to have the boundaries set out for her in no uncertain terms.

I fear that this incident, while not permanent, is indicative of how little respect she has for you as parents. Let her be like my mother and so many other MILs who make suggestions that show they think they know better than you. But let her draw the line at taking action without permission. That is a line that should never be crossed.

-Nancy
 
I have to agree with Shelley as well:)
It looks as if she as no bangs at all.I would have to say or do something though but in a nice way.Or maybe the next time she comes for a visit you could tell her, right from the start..."can you not cut her bangs this time b/c we are growing them out" She probably take that and go with it.
There have been times I have wanted to say something to my MIL but I didn't and after it was all over with, I was happy that I didn't.But if this happens everytime she visits, then something needs to be said.Either that or the child will defend herself in another couple of years b/c she will know whats happened to her hair.

Lori:)
 
I totally agree with Nancy and Shelley as well. IMO, your MIL really crossed the line. It's not fair to you or your beautiful little daughter and I would definitely say something or who knows what she will feel she has the "right" to do next time.

You have every right to be peeved!! By the way, you are all so beautiful!! And I loved the comment your Mom made...classic. Dear
MIL needs to know this wasn't okay and should not ever happen again.
 
Am I the ONLY one who thinks she looks sooo adorable with the really short bangs??? That being said, I, too, think your MIL crossed the line without your permission. I'm sorry it happened. You, hubby, children and your Mom are all just beautiful! Youe Mom looks like your sis!
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
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