I need forum therapy.......

D

divagirl

Cathlete
This is a copy from an email I just sent a friend.

"I'm forwarding you this email because I think I need your opinion on it. I'm so confused and going through this very "out of the pocket" phase again on life in general. Last night I was crying all night because I feel like I made poor choices in my 20s that led me to where I am right now. I feel like I am so off track to the way I imagined my life to be at this point. Now I'm tearing up just writing this. I feel like I missed the boat and its just too late. Its gonna take me years to clear up my debt to be able to move out. By that point I'll be 35 if nothing goes wrong between now and then. I'm making the same money as my 24 year old cousin just out of college even though I graduated from college 10 years ago. I like the job but the pay sucks. What if there is something missing with Eric and I'm wasting more time...more time wasted. I'm so upset."

BTW...the guy Eric is someone I've been dating shortly over a month who I really like but do not feel "in love" with per say. We were friends for a while before we hooked up. A friend I haven't talked to in a while asked about him and I emailed a few details. She responded back with "Nice is nice...but why do I get the feeling there is something missing and you are not "in love".

Is there something completely wrong about this if I am not completely head over heels at this point? Does it all mean absolutely nothing because I'm not?? I know she wrote that because I was not gushing over him. However, I've gushed over guys before that have gone absolutely no where. I'm so confused and so afraid of making any more bad choices or wasting more time I don't have to waste.

Am I just going through some crisis???
 
Divagirl...every day we have is a gift. There is no such thing as 'time wasted'. You get out of bed every morning and you make the most of every day you have. If you make bad choices you learn from the experience and you move on. You can't spend your life full of regrets and dwelling on the past and the "what if's" or the "I should haves". That IS wasting time. Move forward. You can't change the past but you can change the future by making better choices.

You mention debt. Make a plan to pay off the debt, not add anymore debt, and you'll soon be out of debt. Don't live beyond your means, it's that simple.

You mention you like your job but the pay sucks. Does life always have to be about the money? No. What's important is that you enjoy what you do. If you want to make more money but don't want to quit your current job, consider getting a part-time job for supplemental income. If nothing else, work a part-time job and put that additional money towards paying off your debt.

About the boyfriend...only you know if it's love or not. Only you know if this is the guy you want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of your life. Only you will know when Mr. Right is standing in front of you.
 
I don't know anybody who hasn't made "mistakes" in life. I cringe when I think of some of the things I've done. No one can live life "perfectly." You just try to change the things that you don't like in your life, as best as you can.

If you like your job, but it doesn't pay very well, think of a way that you can segue the part of the job that you love into something else that you'd like equally well (or more), and that maybe pays better. I took a chance on freelancing... didn't necessarily make more money... but I had a lot more control and freedom.

As far as the guy thing... can't help you much there. But if your heart is telling you that something is missing, maybe there is.

Just my two cents worth...Take care!
 
I think you're doing what a lot of women do (myself included). We over-analyze our lives to the point where nothing seems right. And if you dwell on those things it consumes you and makes you doubt yourself. First of all, you have a college degree and that's worth alot and no one can take that away from you. I would start networking til you find a position elsewhere that pays you what you want to be making, or at least shows potential for it. Don't stick with something that's not utilizing your earning power. But if you love your current job, stay there but ask for a raise by all means! Maybe just a little initiative will make all the difference.

As far as the boyfriend, if you've only been dating a month I wouldn't worry about not feeling head over heals in love. There's no rule that says you have to love him to date him. If he's not "Mr. Right" eventually, you'll know when to move on. Or maybe you're feelings will grow stronger as time goes on. Follow your instincts.

Above all, RELAX! Truly, if I listed some of the problems and dumb mistakes I've made in my 46 years it might just make your situation look pretty rosy! Take it one day at a time and think positively. It will get better. :)
 
I don't know if this is relevant at all but I'd like to chime in and say too that I think Hollywood has ruined relationships for women. I know for myself that I was always looking for some amazing guy to come riding in on a white horse and save me from my own life, and the bad choices I'd made. If there wasn't a 60 piece orchestra playing in the background while Mr. Perfect and I strolled hand in hand through Central Park carrying picnic baskets full of high-end chow from Dean and Deluca and exchanging witty remarks, I thought it wasn't a "good" relationship, or a "real" relationship, or whatever. Let me tell, you, I had that exciting relationship and it almost killed me! I much prefer the slow and steady friendship/fire DH and I have. As has been said, Diva, chica, only you can decide how you feel about the guy. I just wanted to point out that there's nothing wrong with a relationship built on friendship. Fire sometimes comes with time.

As for your 20s being a mess, well, hasn't that lead you to a place where you are asking the right questions, wondering "what's next?" and "how can I do better?" Sadly many people never get to the place where they are asking questions AT ALL. They just go round in round in the same whirlpool of bad choices, bad men, bad debt, on and on. You're on the right path!! I know it's hard, but try to find some strength in that. :)

Sorry to be so long. Believe me, I've been there. I know you will figure it all out. :)

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
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