Husband, excercise, and smoking - advice please

E

et

Member
I caught my DH smoking again today, second time in a month. We have a long history (over 10 years) of arguments over this which I thought had finally ended 2 years ago when he had quit completely, but it's back, and I'm so disapointed. What seems so incredible to me is that a few months ago he decided he would start excersizing for health reasons. He got a gym membership, expensive shoes, even went running with me a couple of times. He never ran more than 5 minutes and only went to the gym a few times before he "didn't have time" to go anymore. I figure he was disapointed to not be able to do as well as he thought he would. I've never pressured him in excersizing but he sees me training with Cathe and running religiously and I can't help to think he sees that as pressure, and he can't keep up.

Anyway, even if I'm right there's no escuse for sneeking around and lying (when I smelled it on him he actually denied it at first before admitting he was too ashamed to tell me). I feel like I'm dealing with a 46 year old teenager and I really don't want to be his mother. This has been a very difficult issue for us because the smoking really bothers me (I'm an ex-smoker also, and I just can't stand the smell). It's brought us to the brink of divorce before. There's not much I can do really because I don't feel I can trust anything he says since he's lied to me so often. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I should handle this? Should I ignore it? put my foot down? I would really appreciate any comments/advice, thanks,

Elisa
 
My husband has had several bouts with bladder cancer and he is still smoking. He is totally addicted. He has a horrible cough. All I can do is gently remind him every now and then that I wish he would stop smoking and take better care of himself. He does not smoke in the house and when we go out to eat, he does not smoke in the restaurant.

I figure my dh is a grown man and I am not his mother. I will not nag, yell, or treat him like a little boy that has done wrong. That would not get us anywhere. Nor would I ever break up our family over this issue.

I think your dh lied to you bc he feels like he is treated like a child and he doesn't want to get caught. You really can't do anything about it until HE is ready to do something. Then you can be there for him. My dh has quit several times and each time I supported him. When he went back to smoking I didn't get mad or raise a fuss. He will quit for good eventually. He is even talking about quitting again. And I will support him in a loving way, again. As many times as it takes.

Btw, I also am a ex-smoker. It's funny how ex-smokers complain the loudest about the smell, etc. I also can't stand the smell now.:)
 
Oh, please give him a chance. He must love you VERY much to try to quit smoking for you. That is such a TREMENDOUS effort of will. But because he's doing it to please you, instead of choosing to do it for himself, it's so much more difficult. He may have to try many times before he makes it off the smokes for good.

I quit smoking three times before I quit for good (seven years, now, I believe). Twice, I quit for six months before going back to it. It took an act of great love to get me to quit forever. My sweet daddy bribed me to do it. :) He bought me a 1974 VW convertible, my dream car, and we worked together to restore it with the money I had previously spent on cigarettes. The activity kept me busy--sanding, cleaning, patching holes, and sanding some more. And the time and love he put into it on my behalf kept me honest. I figured if he loved me enough to do that for me, then I just COULDN'T let him down.

Please don't feel as if you can't trust your husband, though -- not unless he has lied about other things. I'm sure he felt backed into a corner, that he had no choice but to lie or lose you. It's a terrible, terrible addiction. I know I made some very bad choices in order to continue smoking. And yes, I told lies to many people. I even endangered my own child by smoking around him. I'm SO ashamed, now, to admit that. At the time, though, I lied to myself, told myself a hundred different lies to make it okay, to rationalize my behavior. Lies and actions that make me sick to my stomach to think about now.

Please, please give your DH a chance to relax and quit in his own good time, with your love and support to back him up. He will. I know it. It seems to me, he wants desperately to quit. But if he is stressed about it, in addition to the stress of quitting smoking, it may just be too much for him. He'll have to focus his full attention on quitting, and he won't be able to quit if he's distracted by worrying about losing his family if he fails. It sounds crazy, but quitting for my child's sake placed too much pressure on me. I knew I HAD to quit, so I couldn't. Too much depended on it. I couldn't take it. Maybe your hubby is feeling too much pressure, too. Try just loving him into quitting, like my daddy did for me. It might work. I tried it with my dh, and he has quit smoking and (so far) is no longer drinking, either. He even walks in the mornings, now, when he did no exercise at all, before. It's taken seven years, though, for all this to happen, with no pressure at all from me, just my example and a lot of love.

Hoping for the best for both of you,
Shari
 
What Swissmom said. You can't change other people. Can't get 'em to work out. Can't get 'em to stop smoking. I quit smoking. DH didn't. We were supposed to be quitting together years ago, but no dice.

Same with exercsie--he starts and stops. He also is in much worse shape than me, finding it difficult to do anything even CLOSE to Cathe-type workouts or running.

But, it's his life. I didn't marry him because I wanted him to be this way or that way.

Sounds like your DH is a little in awe of your athletic prowess and fitness level, and a little ashamed of his own. That can be mighty embarrasing for anyone, and men can be a bit touchy about this sort of thing especially when their SO is in excellent physical condition.

I think that all you can do is set an example. And lovingly encourage him when he tries. Good luck!
 
I guess everyone has different values, but can his smoking really have brought you to the brink of divorce? I find that incredible. My husband's infidelity (hypothetical!) could bring us to the point of divorce, as could the possibility of child molesting, but if he chooses to smoke, is that not his affair? Didn't you marry him for reasons more important than the fact that he could potentially quit smoking and be the man you want him to be? Can we really mould people in this way?

I agree with the other posters: he has to do it for himself, no-one changes unless they really want to because lasting motivation comes from inside and not from the promises you make to others to keep them happy.

I would back off and let him get his wounded masculine pride back in shape again. Maybe he has close male friends whom you know and could speak to: maybe they could be persuaded to invite him for a game of soccer, game of racketball, game of basketball (whatever), and when he goes along and plays against them, he will figure out for himself that he's not in good shape, that they are in better shape than he. That kind of wounded male pride may do nore to encourage him to run a little and hoist some weights rather than what he perceives as wifely nagging.

And I'm not saying that you are a nagging wife: men see their wives in complaining mode as "nagging. " It's a cultural stereotype: my husband falls into it too.

Hope some of this may help and best of luck. I wish I could get my husband to work out too. But he refuses to weight train with me. Ah well.......

Clare
 
Thank you so much for your kind words, you're all absolutely right and I have calmed down today. I was so shocked last night I just got overly upset. The lying is what really hurt me, because Clare hit it on the head, he did have an affair before, and even though we somehow survived that, when he starts sneaking around and lying about smoking, that's what all comes back for me. But I do want to put the past in the past and I will take your advice. I'll back off and let him go through whatever he has to without interfering because I hate that mother/child thing we get into and I frankly don't have the energy for it.
I think he is actually very committed to our marriage and committed to quitting, and yes I actually think it is mostly for me and our daughter. As for excersize, I'm not convinced he's really that committed to it, but he doesn't have to keep up with me, just our 7 year old! Male pride certainly has something to do with it. At the same time he's very encouraging of me (he got me a barbell and excercise mat for christmas). Shari, I was quite moved by your sharing your reasons and your difficulties in quitting smoking. I think you're being too hard on yourself, and I also see from your letter that I'm being too hard on my DH. I'm no saint either, I still smoked when I was pregnant, and only managed to quit after that. I do know how hard it is and I congratulate you on your success.
Thanks again, all of you, for your generosity and thoughtfulness.
Elisa
 
Wow, can I ever relate to this!

My DH has had a triple bypass! The doctor told him if he didn't quit smoking he'd be back in 5 years for another bypass. He still smokes. Betcha can't beat that one! :(

My father is an invalid from bladder cancer caused from smoking. He had his bladder removed because of the cancer, had numerous complications and is now an invalid.

Fortunately my father quit, but unfortunately my DH didn't. If a triple bypass doesn't make you quit, then nothing will. I have discovered over the years (we've been married 22 years), that smoking is truly one of the worst addictions there is. I've never smoked, so I don't understand. I never will. You cannot make a smoker quit by shaming him into it, laying on the guilt, gentle persuasion, or nagging. None of it will work. Your smoker will quit for himself, nobody else, and he will quit when HE is ready. It's a tough pill to swallow watching a loved one smoke themselves to death, literally.

All you can do is be supportive when and if they do try to quit, and send up your prayers each and every night, asking that he be given the strength he needs to kick this awful habit.

I wish you good luck. I know how you feel, but try to remember that it's not about you and what you want for him, it's about him, period.
 
I am glad to read this thread. My husband smokes and sometimes I just get the urge to panic about it. It is really evil. Swissmom and everybody has said wise things that I will remember when I get that urge next.
 
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