How do you teach children to defend themselves?

[gidget1978]

This one boggles my mind.Probably b/c when I was younger, no one walked over me and I am alot more passive now then I was when I was 10.
DD has a friend that I don't really care for.I know its not nice to say b/c they are children but I just do not like the way she treats DD.Besides for that she is 11 going on 20.DD is old enough as it is and she doesn't need anyone influencing her to act older. I keep telling her that she has to pick up for herself, or else, don't hang out with her anymore.

I have a couple of ex:

* They go on the same bus together.Normally the two girls will sit together and 3 kids can fit into a seat.But when DD's friend as a friend come over to her house after school, she won't let DD sit with them.So, DD started sitting with someone else.One day when DD got on the school bus her friend was now sitting with the girl DD had started sitting with.

* DD and another friend went to McDonalds the other day for lunch and we told them we would be back in 30 mins to get them (don't worry its safe around here )I gave her $10 b/c she wanted a meal plus a flurry.When I pick her up, she ran into her other friend while she was there, her so called friend grabbed her flurry, (even though she just ate one of her own) and started eating it.DD told her she wanted it back but she kept eating it.So then DD told her she could have it (one thing she as learned, thats not to eat after other people).After DD told her she could have it, she threw it in the trash.

* The other day DD asked if she were mad at her about something and "apparently" she was mad b/c DD had been hanging out with other kids.DD told her she had more friends then just her so she stopped talking to her.

These are just a few stories but when DD comes home with these stories, I try telling her that she needs to defend herself.And I also ask her why she would want to be friends with someone who treats her mean.DD was always good at defending herself but this girl is one yr older then she is, and I think she thinks that she is cool.Im hoping someday that she will just "get it" and something will click and maybe she will say "hey, your not gonna treat me this way"! But I don't see that happening in the near future.
Other then that, DD has lots of other friends who treat her nicely so I tend to get her to invite them over more.And I try to keep her away from her so called friend.
Any suggestions? Im really not into talking to the mother about her childs behavior b.c I have a feeling she thinks her child does no wrong.I would just rather keep them apart, or teach DD to defend herself.
Lori

 

[dorothyrd]

All I have to say is welcome to Junior High girls. My DD just turned 13, and the things the girls do and say to each other is appalling.
I don't know if they are following the Mean Girls movie or what, but some of the things I see and hear make me sick.

DD is very anti-cliche and anti-popular crowd. She hangs with the art/band/drama kids and they seem like a much nicer lot than the cheerleader/prep type.

We went on a band trip for her older brother's band to San Francisco, and one of the more preppier kids from her grade was along too because her sister was in the band. This girl never cracked a smile, looked miserable the whole time. Privately I asked DD what she thought was up. She said all the preps act like that because they think it is cool. She said if they don't then their prep friends will turn on them and be mean. I was thinking quietly, thank heavens your group is not like that. My DD smiles laughs, feels free to act as she wants, not worry about what people think.

 

[SRP]

I don't have any direct experience with teens myself, but I want to tell you about my mom's reaction when I was a teen.

I was one of those who everyone picked on. I didn't fight back and came home crying a lot. Mother gave me all the support I needed at home, but she did not interfere at school. She later told me that she desperately wanted to approach the school principal about the bullying situation, but she never did because she knew that once the "group" found out, it would only be worse for me.

Basically, she knew that sometimes you just have to let people work things out for themselves. I think that's especially important for teens, who are really sensitive to adult interference, whether it's good intentioned or not.

 

[melodygirl]

I just wanted to say that I think Shannon's mom was/is a very smart mom who loved her daughter enough to love and support her, yet stand by and hurt like heck inside while her daughter learned some very valuable, albeit, hard life lessons.

I have no daughters, 4 DS, but the most difficult thing for me to deal with and accept is the necessity of standing by while they learn those life lessons that can only be taught with "reality".

 

[dorothyrd]

But you can suggest at home that she does not need this girls "friendship" and to seek other nicer children out. You can influence who your children are friends with, without them knowing it.

The flurry, since you bought it, you had a right to talk to the girl about wasting your money, IMO.

My DD had a situation this year that had I NOT intervened, it would have meant continued bad grades in a class. She was placed in the back of the room with a bunch of girls who were mean, chatted a lot, were rude to the teacher. She talked to me about it, but never the teacher. Finally at teacher conferences, I asked if there was a way to move her and I used the excuse that she could not hear well back there. I felt she was also being intimidated. He moved her the next day(she did not know why, because I did not tell her I did this). He emailed me two days later, telling me he could not believe the difference in her, that she participated more, looked happier, and she has now gotten 100% on the last two tests.

I wish I had spoken up a lot sooner.

 

[gidget1978]

Thanks girls! The good thing is she does get along with everyone in her class so I don't think I will have to many issues as she gets older.She is in french emmerson so she as been with the same kids since kidergarten and she will be until Grade 12.
She even gets along with the kid who isn't always nice to her, I just wonder why she would wany to hang out with her.They aren't in the same class but they see each other outside of school.
Anyway, I already decided to keep my nose out of it, I was just hoping that she would soon say something or decide that she wanted to spend a limited amount of time with her.

Oh the joys of motherhood! LOL
Lori

 

[melodygirl]

Lori,

Your daughter has a smart mom who offers her love, advice and support, she'll ultimately figure things out with the friend situation.

Now if it were a situation like posted above regarding interference with my child's ability to listen and perform in class, I'd have been at the school in a teacher's conference also.

 

[Faithnveggies]

That kid sounds like a classic bully. Aren't there a lot of books written for kids about that subject? Maybe helping dd to realize it is a set of recognized behaviors that is wrong will help her to handle/cope with the bully even better than she has so far.

An example in my life is that it helps to recognize that the crap and bs from a family member is related to alcoholism and should be treated as such. I don't need to spend vast amts of time worrying about what I did wrong or to psycho-analyse and justify bad behavior. It's just standard issue bad behavior- get away from it.

 

[Jcrew3082]

Ugh, girls. I hate to put down my own gender, but girls can be absolutely wicked around that age. From what I remember from my own adolescence, there was always a ring leader, the one who could turn others against someone and just had a generally b*****personality. The ring leader takes turns being best friends with, then picking on, all the girls in the group, but no one has the courage to say, “Hey, this isn’t right!” Girls want so badly to fit in and be accepted. I am not a mom, but my suggestion is that you give DD all the support you can. Encourage her to hang out with her nicer friends. And, if she says she wants to hang with the other one, remind her in a gentle way that it might be fun but to remember that in a few days her feelings may get hurt. Fortunately, in a few years, most girls get to the point where they have more self-confidence, find themselves a little niche, and stop caring if they are friends with kids who are “popular” or “unpopular.” Until then, you just kind of have to stick it out.

 

[smoogy]

Lori, my daughter is pretty much a very socially adept kid. Quite unlike her mom. So, I can't give you much advice except to support her emotionally as much as possible & let her know that what this girl does is terrible & you would not expect her to do the same to other people. I have actually told my daughter this. It's just not acceptable. Obviously, you are not doing too bad a job, as your daughter seems to be handling it all pretty darn well.