How can I help a friend

[sancho]

Help ! Sorry this is not about videos or exercise, but this forum is full of so many wonderful people, I thought some of you might have some good suggestions for me. I have a friend whose 14 month old daughter has cancer. The doctors found a cancerous tumor in her sinus cavity. She has undergone surgery to remove the tumor and now is having chemo treatments. She was in the hospital for about 6 weeks while they were removing the tumor but now she is home and her mom is administering the chemo. They are now at the point where the chemo is making the baby very sick. The parents are unbelievably positive and send weekly updates on the progress. I am trying to figure out what I can do to help, show my support, etc. She is a friend from college, someone I've always really liked and admired, but not a close friend. SO, I don't want to be intrusive. She has many, many, many friends much closer than I. I do not feel it would be appropriate for me to visit. She has so many other visitors from people she is closer with. But yet, I've known her for so long that I want to be supportive. They have 2 older children, but I do not know the kids well enough to babysit them or take them out. What can I do to be helpful but not intrusive???????

Thanks for any suggestions!

 

[jjswimmom]

Sancho.

What sad news for your friend's daughter. Cancer is such a horrible disease, and for a 14 mth old, even harder. We have a family in our neighborhood who's daughter had a very rare cancer, and was in and out of hospitals all her short life. One thing that is always helpful and non-intrusive are meals/food. It is a wonderful way to show someone you care, even if you are not "close". The other sliblings will greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness too! Many times there is a "go-to" person handling all the meal coordination, to avoid doubling up and untimely visits. You could contact the family on your own and tell them you would like to bring by some food and ask if there is someone handling this for them. If not, then you could ask, what would be better, Friday or Sat. this week? IF you know their close friends, you might want to ask them about this too. (they may know who is coordinating meals) This family sounds blessed to have such good friends/community surrounding them during this difficult time. Keep them in your prayers and just knowing you care will make a BIG difference to them!

 

[Miss Lee]

I would start with either a phone call or a card with a lovely note. You'd be surprised at how good friends can disappear at times like this because they feel awkward and don't know what to say. I think they would love to hear from you and you could simply ask them what you can do to help out.

Michele

 

[luv2tri]

Call them a ask them what there favorite resturant is. Then order them dinner and have it delievered. Ofcourse let them know it is coming. One night of having dinner made when you are taking care of someone so sick can take the edge off.

 

[40something]

Gift certificates to their local grocery stores. If they have family and friends who are at their house helping them everyday...someone else is already doing the cooking. Helping out financially during times of serious illness offer alot more benefit for the family.

If you wanted to stop by, then take a grocery sack with paper plates, napkins, styrofoam cups, coffee and tea. Since there are other kids in the family be sure to take the animal paper plates and bowls. You could also include a baked item like cookies or bars but please...put them in a disposable container so the family doesn't have to wash the dish and return it to you.

 

[melodygirl]

If you are a praying person, pray for them. I can't imagine being in the situation of my baby going through this, the family needs strength from every possible source.

You have some good suggestions above for physically helping. Also, follow your heart as to what you feel you should do; our instincts are much better than we give ourselves credit for in these situations.

 

[andtckrtoo]

My mom recently passed away from cancer, and the outpouring of love from people we barely knew was incredible. On the other hand, close friends often did not know what to say, so they backed off and tried not to interfere. My advice is don't worry about whether or not you're a close friend. This is a family who while upbeat, needs all the help they can get. The idea of finding out their favorite restaurant and having dinner delivered is fabulous. Illnesses like this are very wearing, and to have to plan, shop for and make healthy dinners can be overwhelming. Another idea would be to make something that can either be eaten right away or frozen until needed - like a lasagna or other casserole - provide fixings for a salad, a nice loaf of bread ... and drop it by their house when you know they will be home. All you have to say is that you know how busy they must be, so you wanted to help in anyway you could. Showing support is always welcome.

 

[kazze]

I would follow the advise of starting with a phone call. Gifts are nice but I gather they are recieving a lot of them. Nothing is better than to be a shoulder. Sometimes someone in a stressfull situation just needs to talk it out or cry it out. NO monies can buy that. You may find she , outside of her friends - needs someone else who can just listen. Thats what you would do if she wants. DOn't say I understand because you don't. Don't offer suggestions because you can't. Just listen.

 

[maddiesmum]

Some good suggestions already. After establishing contact, yes, fix meals they can freeze, offer to do their shopping from a list, or run other errands for them, or walk thjeir dog, take care of the pets, whatever they need. Offer to sit in their home and entertain the little ones for a few hours so the parents can rest or concentrate on the sick child. You could offer a morning's time to do housework, which is the first thing that will be neglected in this time crushed situation where the aprents are already mentally stressed/tired.

Ask them what they need and make sure they understand that you are serious, you're not just uttering platitudes, that you are there to help if they want it.

And if they don't, then bow out gracefully.

 

[naughtoj]

Yes, I would say just make sure you keep in touch...keep calling!!!!! The last few months have been very hard for me with my Dad dying of cancer. I would get really upset because my school friends would NEVER ask about him or how he was doing/I was doing...like it wasn't happening. I have to say that this did upset me....I wondered if they even cared. It took me almost dropping out of school and then the phone calls started pouring in to keep me in the program and offers to help in any way they could. It was really, really nice. I think they just felt so akward, but all I want is for someone to care, to ask, just to talk to....

You are a wonderful friend and I am so sorry to hear this sad news....