Having "the talk" with a guy

D

divagirl

Cathlete
I posted here before about a guy I am dating and tonight I want to have "the talk" with him. I was hoping he'd bring it up first but has failed to do so. I am thinking of saying something like" I've really enjoyed hanging out with you but I need to know if this is going somewhere and that you're not dating for this to continue because I don't want to waste my time" Any thoughts/suggestions and has anyone had the talk that came to their benefit?

Tina
 
RE: Having

Well, I have a couple of thoughts.

I guess you want to be clear to YOURSELF as to what you want as an outcome. Are you hoping he is going to step up and say that he wants a committed relationship with you? Or is your expectation that this is more casual for him? And are you prepared to deal with it if he does say that?

If I recall, you are dating him for a few months, right? So I think it is okay for you to have the conversation if you think it is necessary. I think how I would approach it is, "I like you, but I don't feel like you are opening up to me emotionally and that makes me feel cautious about where this relationship may or may not be going." You want to be careful that you speak from the "I" (as in, this is what I feel, think, am getting) as opposed to being accusatory and demanding by telling him what he thinks or feels or should think or feel.

I will tell you that although I have had success having such conversations with men who aren't emotionally open, eventually I do end up showing them the door (because it's the same conversation over and over; people don't often change, and you definitely can't change them).

Good luck & I hope it works out how you want! Let us know how it goes, you know we love this stuff. :)

Marie
 
RE: Having

My vote???? Do not have "the talk" at all. It will likely lace up his running shoes. Have fun, enjoy your time together, relax and just ENJOY!!!

If I could go back into time, I would have spent LESS of my dating years acting like I was married! There is plenty of time for that. If this relationship is going to grow into something exclusive...let it do so at it's natural rate.

There is no such thing as "wasting your time" when you are in a relationship that is nonexclusive...you can see as many people as you want! You'd be making awesome use of your time. What would be a waste of your time is getting exclusive, staying exclusive for several months or years and then breaking up....think of all the guys you could have gone out with!

If this guy "is the one" then it will happen...don't force it.

My 2 cents!
 
RE: Having

Geesh...I am just getting more confused as to really do this or not. I'm having a hard time thinking about dating someone else if I am already intimate with another. I'll feel like a wh***. How am I going to get myself out of this predicament?
 
RE: Having

I don't see why you shouldn't ask him if the relationship is exclusive. I'm with you - if I'm sleeping with a guy, I'm not dating anyone else. But, I also have to say that usually by now that conversation should have happened naturally. As Marie said, if he hasn't said anything by now, but is interested in you for an exclusive relationship, don't expect a lot of verbal communication in the love department.
 
RE: Having

Oh, is this the mute guy??? The one that doesn't seem to say much??

I don't think you should feel bad at all about asking him if your relationship is "exclusive". If the guy is mature enough to sleep with you then he surely can handle "the talk". And if you scare him off?? Oh well, guess he had some issues anyway.

I never beated around the bush in any of my relationships. If it was not what I wanted, I got out sooner rather than later. Standing up for yourself and knowing what you want usually pays off.

Good Luck!!;-)
 
RE: Having

Do you think he could be dating others? Sometimes you just know it is exclusive because of the amount of time you are together or in communication with each other.

I wouldn't have "the talk" but maybe a general question asked very carefully and casually. Maybe others can suggest a good way.

ETA - I think in the past I have just made a comment that I would continue to date others (even if I wasn't and didn't want to) until we felt that it should be exclusive leaving it up to him. I didn't associate exclusive with a committment but rather just focusing on the relationship - I enjoy being with you and want to see where this goes. Usually something like I prefer to date 1 person at a time because otherwise I think it can get confusing and complicated but ..... Its been too long - and I am so glad to be out of that single life. And I am sure things have changed. Good luck!
 
RE: Having

I wouldn't have "the talk" either, about the future and all that, but I would ask if he is dating other people. If he is, and you are not down with that, tell him, and if he wants to continue dating other women anyway then it's up to you to decide. Good luck!

Brandi


http://www.picturetrail.com/jackieboy
 
RE: Having

Be very honest with yourself, how do you really feel about him?

Can you be with someone that does not communicate well?

Do you want to be exclusive?

After you answered these questions you should be clear on what to do.

If I were you, I would keep on dating other men, and let him know, I did this with my current boy friend. He ask me out one evening and I said I have a date with some else, and he had to ask why? I said since I am not clear on what your intentions are with me, I need to keep looking. He told me that he did not know what the future would bring but that at the moment he would like it if we could give "us" a chance, it has been over two years, and now he is talking about spending the rest of his life with me.
 
RE: Having

Yeah, I think I will just tell him that I enjoy his company and that I prefer to date one person at a time and if he feels the same way. That should give me the answer I'm looking for.
 
RE: Having

That is the problem. Women do not think like men.

You are not a WH***. Also, how long have you been seeing him, a few months? That is not long enough to "REALLY KNOW SOMEONE" and too early for "THE TALK".

From my experience, if you have to have a "TALK" with a guy, then he is not ready, a.k.a. emotionally unavailable.

What happened to dating? And dating does not mean jumping in the sack with everyone that comes along, and believe me at least 50% after conversation are not worth it, period. It means getting to know someone, their likes/dislikes, their reactions and non-actions to situations, the whole gambit. And believe me, you don't have to jump in the sack to tally up if a guy is worth the continued company.

Just enjoy yourself, men do all the time, and if the emotion is not there, you can always move on.


Linda
"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."
Maya Angelou
 
RE: Having

OK, REALITY CHECK...

Why are we jumping in the bed with men and KNOW that it is not exclusive, if we did not talk about EXCLUSIVITY prior?

This does not make sense, why? Because diving into sex without the full understanding of both parties (casual or exclusive) is, okay, stupid. If the boundaries are not explained up front, then of course the guy is assuming that you both are out to just bump skins. Sorry, if this is crass or cold, but this is reality. Especially with men??? So, at this point, forget the talk. You are WAY past this, I am afraid you will just get your feeling hurt.

Sorry....:-(

Linda
"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."
Maya Angelou
 
RE: Having

My fiance has a few thoughts on this subject...

It's 'the fiance' here...
Guys fall into 2 category, the go for gold guy or the shyer stand back and wait guy.

If you are dating the "go for gold" guy and are being intimate with him, then he is already getting what he wants and because you have not said anything, thinks you are too. If he wanted more, he would have said something. Not all men are romance deficent, a lot of men want nothing more than to get married. But if you have 'the chat' to him he may be off and running before you know it.

If however, he is the "shyer stand back and wait" guy, (which is more than 50% of guys out there) then he may not know how to take it to the next stage, or he may not know if you want to. Guys in this category sometimes like to be led by their women and are waiting for their woman to say something before he finally talks relationship.

Remember there is no school for men based around how to get into a relationship and we don't have our mates to discuss anything but 'getting laid' with.

If you like him ask him, but do be prepared in case he runs.

Just do it. Male out.
 
RE: Having

>OK, REALITY CHECK...
>
>Why are we jumping in the bed with men and KNOW that it is not
>exclusive, if we did not talk about EXCLUSIVITY prior?
>
>This does not make sense, why? Because diving into sex
>without the full understanding of both parties (casual or
>exclusive) is, okay, stupid. If the boundaries are not
>explained up front, then of course the guy is assuming that
>you both are out to just bump skins. Sorry, if this is crass
>or cold, but this is reality. Especially with men??? So, at
>this point, forget the talk. You are WAY past this, I am
>afraid you will just get your feeling hurt.
>
>Sorry....:-(
>
>Linda
>"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."
>Maya Angelou
>


OUCH!!!!
}(
 
RE: Having

Ouch is right! Anyway, thanks for all the advice and I do believe this one is the "laid back" guy. I posted an update in the other thread for inquiring minds. Thanks girls.

Tina
 
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