Friend who was nicer when I was fat...

wendybdh

wendybdh

Cathlete
I have a 6 1/2 month old and have been working really hard to get my body backand am close to having the abs I've always wanted.

One of my good friends was much nicer to me when I was pregnant and weighed more. I feel frustrated and am not the type to make mean comments back to her. But, she constantly feels the need to say rude things to me and tells me I'm obsessed, I'm not enjoying life, mothers who wear bikinis are tramps, I'm too thin, I don't eat real food, etc. Good grief, I'm 5/10 and am 155! Honestly, I'm in the happiest place I've ever been in my life and yes, I'm disciplined about diet and exercise but I don't flaunt it or make others feel bad about their habits. I just don't even know what to say to her anymore but it's hard to not let this bother me.

Oh, and maybe I need some comebacks that aren't too rude but get the point across.
 
Sounds like she is insecure with herself and is taking it out on you.

Maybe try saying something in a nice way about how you want to live a healthy life style so you can enjoy life with your children for a long time.

Congrats to you for being at a place that you are happy with. Don't let her unhappiness bring you down.

Jean
 
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Yep, sounds like good old fashioned jealousy to me!
She must be pretty insecure in herself to pick at you that way.

I am generally not a confrontational person, but in situaitons like that, I have no problem calling someone out on it. It's the only surefire way to get it to stop completely.

Next time she comments, I would ask her why she's so concerened about your diet and fitness habits, especially since you're quite happy with where you are. Don't give her any wiggle room, just wait for an answer. You can be very nice about it in the way that you ask, almost as if you are concerened about her inability to focus on anything else about you.
See how she reacts. I bet that's the last that you hear of it.

*(Great work, by the way!)
 
I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. Unfortunately it is somewhat common. I suspect that she is uncomfortable with herself and that you making the effort to take care of yourself is very threatening to her. It is easier for her to put you down that to take that really hard look in the mirror and decide that it is time for her to make a change that in her heart she knows she needs to make.

I have had this happen a couple of times over the years and one of several things generally happens. 1) I get fed up with their behavior and gradually we drift apart. 2) They ask me for help when they really don't want to make the change, and then make me responsible for all of their behavior (getting them up to work out, manage their food choices, etc), and blaming me when they mess up or don't get instant results...which results in us gradually drifting apart. or 3) I tell them something along the lines of back off or I am done, usually resulting in our drifting apart.

As personal as this may seem, it is really not about you, it is about your friend. Long term you can not continue bearing the brunt of her unhappiness with herself. Your best hope is an honest conversation letting her know how her comments are making you feel.

Good luck,

Shayne
 
I will hear remarks from time to time like that too and I think they are said for all kinds of reasons...one main one being jealousy, I agree! I blow them off. I love it when people tell me that I need to eat. What they don't realize is that I eat all day long! I probably consume more food then most people who are not in good shape but I eat I healthy and burn it off with exercise! People who comment on things they know nothing about drive me crazy!:rolleyes:
 
I think Shayne gave some really good advice. I get the comments too like "don't lose any more weight," or " you workout too much," which I think is really funny because I try to fit in workouts but I'm not obsessed and people never tell me that I spend too much time on the computer which I do. The time I spend in front of a computer or TV is what is really bad for me but nobody will tell me that I do that too much.
On the positive, in the short time that I've been working on becoming fit and eating well, I have inspired 2 other people to start on their own journey. I prefer to focus on the people who are chosing to do positive things for themselves.

Oh, and congrats on getting the abs you have always wanted. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Deb
 
hate to say it

That is normal. It happens to all of us, even if we aren't close to having the abs we have always wanted;) I have a friend who I don't see anymore because she was always commenting on how she didn't want me to lose too much weight (I was 255 and I'm 5'2") and that was a real impediment for me. I didn't really say much about it I just stopped going out of my way to see her. I became real busy. My Cathelete friends were much more supportive. Now, she calls me "Slim" but you know what, I'm no where near that yet. I still have 50 pounds to go but here on Cathe's site I can lament about it and not feel like you guys are going to ditch me because I eat healthy or do workouts.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't worry about her. We are your true friends. And, I bet there are lots of people in your life who are supportive, turn up the volume on what they have to say and forget the rest.

Alisha
 
NRG Woman said:
I have had this happen a couple of times over the years and one of several things generally happens. 1) I get fed up with their behavior and gradually we drift apart. 2) They ask me for help when they really don't want to make the change, and then make me responsible for all of their behavior (getting them up to work out, manage their food choices, etc), and blaming me when they mess up or don't get instant results...which results in us gradually drifting apart. or 3) I tell them something along the lines of back off or I am done, usually resulting in our drifting apart.
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Shayne, you said it perfectly! LOL
 
Girrrlfriend you are not alone! That is why I appreciate Forums for support. I could have written that post! But on the flip side my weight loss has inspired others.

Yet you never know, perhaps one day your friend will realize and value working out and healthy eating.
 
Friends and Weight loss

wendybdh said:
I have a 6 1/2 month old and have been working really hard to get my body backand am close to having the abs I've always wanted.

One of my good friends was much nicer to me when I was pregnant and weighed more. I feel frustrated and am not the type to make mean comments back to her. But, she constantly feels the need to say rude things to me and tells me I'm obsessed, I'm not enjoying life, mothers who wear bikinis are tramps, I'm too thin, I don't eat real food, etc. Good grief, I'm 5/10 and am 155! Honestly, I'm in the happiest place I've ever been in my life and yes, I'm disciplined about diet and exercise but I don't flaunt it or make others feel bad about their habits. I just don't even know what to say to her anymore but it's hard to not let this bother me.

Oh, and maybe I need some comebacks that aren't too rude but get the point across.
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I had to post because I dealt with exactly the same thing. I actually had a good friend of mine literally YELL at me, accusing me of loosing weight 'just to look good for other people' . I was accused of always worrying about what others think of me. I was called selfish and was asked just 'WHO' I was loosing weight for. I simply told her,, and I quote:

"I am doing this for my health. I worked out and ate 'right' per my doctor's standards and the result was 40 pound weight loss. It's not just the size, or the weight, but also to be healthy. When I am older, I want to have strong bones, and a healthy heart, and don't want to have issues like heart disease ,risk of stroke, diabetes, and/or osteoperosis ( sp ? )"
"It may seem like I am selfish and obsessed, but because I am so busy working a full and part time job, I HAVE to make sure I schedule in my work outs least 5 to 6 days a week. I need to watch I eat so my body gets the fuel it needs to do everything that I do. "

In fact, for a while, things got worse with her, because I had to work even harder to 'maintain'. But my response was always the same, just as I stated above. Once she realized that I was true to my answer, she saw me in a new light and backed off. Sadly, the more focused you are in your weight loss and work out journey, the more you may seem 'obsessed' but please make sure that if ANYONE gives you crap, you just simply say: "We only have one life. I want to make sure that mine is a healthy, happy, strong, and long one" Especially when you have kids to think about.

Boy some people can really be a challenge can't they ??:confused:
CONGRATS by the way on your abs !! Very hard work indeed !!
Morgs
 
morgs said:
. . . if ANYONE gives you crap, you just simply say: "We only have one life. I want to make sure that mine is a healthy, happy, strong, and long one"

Morgs
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And if THAT one doesn't work, you can simply say "Go f*ck yourself. You paddle your canoe and I'll paddle mine."

Man, people are a piece of work sometimes, aren't they?

A-Jock
(Not really liking negative people right now)
 
Aquajock said:
And if THAT one doesn't work, you can simply say "Go f*ck yourself. You paddle your canoe and I'll paddle mine."

Man, people are a piece of work sometimes, aren't they?

A-Jock
(Not really liking negative people right now)
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ROTFLMAO!!! Well, said A-Jock!!
 
I have been there too where people told me I worked out too much and needed to eat more. The funny thing is, when I put on a few pounds and couldn't or didn't work out, no one went on and on about how great I looked and good for me for not exercising every day. I hardly ever worked out more than an hour and ate 6 times per day.

I agree with Shayne in that her comments are about her and not you.

Melissa
 
melimcn said:
Next time she comments, I would ask her why she's so concerened about your diet and fitness habits, especially since you're quite happy with where you are. Don't give her any wiggle room, just wait for an answer. You can be very nice about it in the way that you ask, almost as if you are concerened about her inability to focus on anything else about you.
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I like A-Jock's approach, but it sounds like that is outside your comfort zone.

Melissa's approach may work better for you. The next time she says anything just ask her point blank, in a very nice voice, "Why are you being rude to me?" That should stop her in her tracks. I'm guessing in her head she doesn't realize she's being rude. People often don't stop to think what impact their words have.

anne
 
I was once told by a co-worker that I was getting "emaciated" when I "got down to" 155 lbs (I'm 5'7"). That was such an absurd comment that I just had to laugh.

Sometimes in life I have been tempted to do the following (but have never quite had the guts to do it...):

Friend: You're getting much too thin!

Me: OMG I can't believe it, I've been thinking the same thing about you!!!! Only in your case I'm SO SO worried that you're getting so FAT!!!! Don't you realize how you're endangering your health and increasing your risk for blah blah If you want I can research a few good nutrition plans because REALLY I sit up nights thinking about how you're probably just going to KEEL RIGHT OVER from a heart attack or something, not to mention how it's affecting your appearance, I'm worried your husband may be tempted to, well, you know, there are so many gorgeous women around his workplace, don't you want him to be proud of you? Do you think you might need psychological intervention, are you stuffing down negative emotions, how could you just let yourself go like that???? I hope I'm not offending you, I'm just worried about your health and trying to help! etc.
 
Hugs to you..I hate when people take their own insecurities out on others. Keep up your hard training..Hopefully your friend will see what she is doing and stop. If not, then maybe she really wasn't your friend.

Jennifer
 
I totally agree with melimcn/melissa. sometimes you have to call people out and stop the toxic comments!! But i think aquajock said it BEST!!
 
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zoesmom said:
I totally agree with melimcn/melissa. sometimes you have to call people out and stop the toxic comments!! But i think aquajock said it BEST!!
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When I get up the stones to say it out loud, I'll let everyone here know. Until then . . .

A-Jock
 
Me too. Finally got down to a healthy weight, was in the best, most fit condition of my entire life at that point, could bike 40 miles with a bunch of men and women and get to the destination FASTER than all but 1 super-fit male, and my dearest girlfriend at the time told me I looked "gaunt" and "sickly." In fact I was strong as an ox, aerobically A-1, and happy as a clam. We aren't friends anymore. It's not that the friendship ended right away, but it kind of slowly died after that. That was a few years ago - I am not in that kind of shape right now for various reasons but my goal, every day, is to get back to that kind of shape! All I can say is find people who support you and don't let the naysayers have an effect on you. Sometimes we need to find new friends when old ones just bring us down.
 
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