Drug and Alcohol addicted family members (long)

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
I had to post. I am just beside myself today.

I am feeling so down. My brother showed up yesterday at my sisters house, dirty and exhausted. He has been walking the streets in some drug induced binge. He thinks the cops are following him. We found out he doesn't have a job anymore. He moved to another town after my father died in May. We thought he was "getting things together" but apparantly he has just spiraled out of control. Like his previous heroin addiction, methamphetamine has taken control of him. I don't even know him anymore. It is so hard for me to watch. I don't know what to do. He basically had nowhere to go lastnight, nowhere to sleep. My sister gave him a shower, which is more than I know she should have done. I contemplated letting him stay with me for one night but I knew that was no good. Not only is that enabling but my husband can't have that in his house. Who knows what he is into, what he is doing. He looks sick. His eyes were so bloodshot they looked like tomatoes. He may have some sort of infection. It has gotten so bad now that I think he needs to be tested for HIV. Apparantly he got a DUI in the last few months too. Three strikes and he is out. He said they "decided not to press charges"..like that makes any sense....but once they find out he has past DUI's he will go to prison. Just like my Dad, for two and a half years. So sad. It is history repeating itself, and the cycle continues...

Really, I am just very sad. I see this being a lifelong fight. I hadn't seen him at all since my Dad's funeral and it just broke my heart to see him yesterday. I am crying writing this. To make matters worse, we told my Dad in his dying moments that we would take care of him. I truly believe that means NOT helping him but I wonder what my father would want, what would he want me to do??

I know some of you have experience with this. How do you deal with it? How do you detach? I just don't even know what to do to help him. I told him yesterday that we all love him and are concerned. Tried to get him to take a look at himself, but obviously it didn't work, he was high. He is in major denial, trying to defend his drug use as "recreational" still and saying that he could stop anytime. (sigh). He told me I just didn't understand drugs because I have never used them. I told him I will never understand, you will never convince me drugs are OK or good, PERIOD, so stop trying. Told him not to come to me for help unless he is willing to get help. Regarding his paranoia, I told him I will never believe him until he is totally clean, that I feel with the drugs in his system his mind is not working right. In otherwords, I don't buy into his crap. I see it for what it is and that is what makes me sad. My family gets mad at me sometimes for that attitude, acting like I am selfish and unwilling to "help out" but what else can you do? My brother offered to fix my brakes today (ha ha, how stupid is that, under the circumstances). He wants to do something nice, make everything OK. I am supposed to go to my sisters to see him. I think I'll make some excuse and get out of it. Isn't that the best thing to do?? It was always hard to see him like this, but now more than ever. Maybe because my father's death is still so fresh in my mind.

Sorry so long. Just needed to get it out. Once again, I feel helpless and powerless. :-(
 
I was married to 2 alcoholics, and I found it very easy to detach - that being said, it's a very different situation than the one you're in. You can't enable him - he just comes back for more. I know it's easy to say that you should refuse to help him or even see him because it hurts you to see the state he's in. Do you have a clergy person you can talk to? I would find a professional to talk to for you're own peace of mind and for guidance.

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
(((HUGS)))! I'm so sorry that you are going through this Janice. I definately know the helpless and powerless feeling having an alcoholic mother all my life. First of all your family is just as sick as he is if they keep taking him in and helping him. Maybe you can all go to an alanon meeting and lean on each other right now. This is the hardest part of having an alcoholic, or drugaddict in the family. It affects everyone, and the addict, or alcoholic is too selfish to see that. I understand the anger, heck, the rage that you might be feeling. But try to not put it on your brother, but on the drugs that have a hold of him. It's hard, I know, trust me, I know. But underneath all those drugs is still the brother that you once knew and loved. The whole, "he wants to do something nice" statement is so true. They all feel badly after the fact, but I'm affraid it's just looking for assurance that you will always be ther for him when he needs you. Uh, I just want to cry for you and your family right now. I know the pain so well, I've unfortunately become numb to my own mothers problems over the years. But I can relate, I can remember.
Would your brother be willing to try drug rehab? He obviously needs it. Whether it will help permanently, it's hard to say. But maybe it will help for now.
I'm sorry that I don't have too much to say to help you right now. I keep hearing that "they have to hit rock bottom", Well, it sounds like he's there. Maybe, he's not, I don't know. My mother will never be allowed to reach rock bottom, my father will always be there to catch her. There's nothing that I can do about that.
If you need someone to talk to you can PM me.

Kathy
 
Hi Janice. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}

I understand what you're. I've been and am still there with family members that have been addicted to drugs. You love them and want them well...on the other hand you don't want to be an enabler...so you blame yourself for not doing enough or doing too much.

Until he is ready to be clean, until he hits "his" bottom, there is nothing you can do help him get clean. He has to want it. I know that sounds harsh, I don't mean for it to, but when a person is caught up on the darkness of drugs and alcohol like your brother, that is all he sees. You can stand by him and love him, without supporting his lifestyle. Sometimes that means backing away for your own self-preservation.

It is so hard watching someone you love walk down a destructive path. I'm crying as I write this too. Partially out of guilt, because I always question if I'm doing enough. Rationally I understand that you can't help someone that's not ready, but my heart just doesn't understand that.

Seeking support from people who have and are currently walking in your shoes is one of the best things you can do. I know it has helped me.

Again {{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}.
 
Janice, you should find an Al-Anon group in your area. There you will find support from others in similar situations.

Good luck. I know it's so heartbreaking.

Marie
 
Hi, My thoughts are with you...Have you read any Melody Beattie material? Try:

The Language of Letting Go.

Take care of yourself,
Caroline
 
I feel your pain, and I've felt your pain in the past with my own family members. I'm sorry and I wish there was something I could do to help you. I agree with Marie. Try to find an Al-Anon meeting. They are generally for the friends and family of alchoholics more than drug addiction, but you will get an awful lot out of the meetings.

I'm also sorry to say that you are helpless. You cannot help him. Only he can help himself. When you go to meetings, you will find that you are not alone, that there are many others who feel the same way you do about their family members and that they, too, cannot help their addicted family and friends.

At Al-Anon, they will help you learn how to deal. I learned how to detach myself from their situation, but it meant cutting myself off from my friends and family, to a certain extent. That solution is not for everybody, but everybody there has their own coping mechanism. Unfortunately, going to Al-Anon will not solve your brother's problem, but it will help you with your problem, which is dealing with the sorrow of loving someone who is addicted.

Please think about going to one of these meetings. You won't be sorry (although you may feel silly at first).
 
My sympathies ... I've been there too ... you might consider calling the court system where his DUI is and talking to the investigating agent (I doubt it was dropped -- could be avoidance by your brother) and explain your concerns ... family input is often considered. The court may be able to force him into rehab as a diversion to prison. At any rate, this is a trying situation ... try not to beat yourself up whichever way you handle it. I second the recommendation to try Al-Anon (for the friends and family) and do some reading on your own.

One other consideration (which I'd stronly advise you get professional consulatation on before considering doing it) is an Intervention. This is where your family members, friends, co-workers, etc. (anyone, everyone who cares) gather together and confront the loved one and then take him to an inpatient rehab center. There are many pros/cons to consider with this approach before embarking on it ... so please research it thoroughly beforehand if you think it's an option.

Best wishes ... Deb
 
I feel your pain. I am a recovering drug addict (clean 20 years). I was also addicted to hard drugs like him - Herion - and also was facing the 3 strike conviction. (my addiction became really bad after my father died of cancer when I was 17 - I lost the will to live and did whatever I could get my hands on - and this sounds like what your family member is going thru). After my 3rd arrest, the judge wasn't playing with me any more and I did a brief stay in jail and then was court ordered into a rehab (they even tried to send me to a lock-down facility).

Anyway, I won't go into the details....but I have been in his shoes and until a using addict hits rock bottom, there is NOTHING you can say to them to make them understand anything sane. Insanity is part of the disease of addiction. It's easy for an addict to be self desstructive but it hurts more to cause pain to your loved ones....but we still do it because we're very sick and our disease is running rampant. Thus the reason we promise things like " I won't do it again"...."I'll really try this time" to our loved ones. My Mom (who I was living with at the time of all of this) was so sick of my BS that she would actually sit and pray that I hit a tree and died........honest to God!! She tells me this now. She was sickened by what I was doing to myself.

Finally, she went to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and she started going weekly. She learned about "Tough Love" and that was the end for me!! Tough love is what addicts need cuz if you keep enabling, they'll never hit bottom......so you are doing the right thing by not enabling him. Please go to a meeting and talk to others in the same predicament. You'd be surprised how it helps to talk about it and by how many others are going thru similar circumstances and to learn about the disese of addiction.

All of that being said - I know it's not easy and some addicts never reach a bottom and those are the ones that go thru life and end up in jails, institutions or dying. Sad but true. Actually, the guy I used to run with when I used is still out there in active addiction and he's in his 50's now. He's in and out of prison and jail all of the time and his Mother has been enabling him.

Sorry this is so long......but this truly is a story that touches my heart, as my heart always goes out to the addict still suffering! I will pray that he hits rock bottom and finds recovery to save himself before it's too late. It saddens me immensely. Please feel free to contact me if you need any support or help coping. Hang in there.

(Hope everyone doesn't mind me sharing and being so candid - I don't feel I have anything to hide - cuz I'm turning 47 on Saturday and my life is pretty good today for where I came from.....although I'm not saying it's easy or has ever been.........Cathe workouts sure help me a LOT).
 
Melody Beattie actually has 2 books out and I have both of them. I love them. They are made specifically for Codependents....but they are also good for addicts. You should look into buying one. They are in the Self Help section of the bookstore.

and *hugs*

ETA: One last comment that I forgot - My Mom staged an intervention with 3 people from the Program when I was at my very worst and it did not go well at all. I yelled and screamed at them and swore at them. I was insane and in severe denial. I'm not sure if that would help, but everyone is different. I wouldn't want you to do it and become more upset because of your Brother's reaction.
 
Janice - I absolutely hate watching someone I love do this to himself, and my stepson isn't even to the point your brother is, although he has had 5 DUI's (3 strikes law does not apply to DUI's here in CA) and he's only 23. He just came out of a year of rehab, and is doing drugs (cocaine I know of - his nose drips constantly) and is drinking as well. My Dh is a major enabler - and I'm at my wits end to figure out how to get through to him that what he's doing is hurting his son more. So, in a very small way, I understand what you're going through right now. {{HUGS}}} It's tough.

Lora- I have always always admired your strength and courage. Seriously. I'm going to get those books and maybe I can get DH to read one. Thank you.
 
Sorry to hear about your family member. That's tough. Although, once in the Program - an addict can never use drugs without having that "moral" knowledge in their head and it makes it harder to stay out there using because you've seen (thru the Program) that there is another way to live). Thanks for the compliment also! I appreciate that. Your DH needs to be educated about the disease of addiction. It's really hard for a "normal" person to even wrap their head around the fundamentals of the disease but perhaps educating him will help somewhat. I understand the culture issue. I believe your husband is Indian. They tend to be very compassionate people...at least the one's I've known. Definitely give the book a try. I love the Language of Letting Go. I can't think of the other one's name and my DH is upstairs sleeping so I don't want to dig for it. I think it's called Codependents something or other.
 
Janice, I agree with the suggestion that you seek out an Al-Anon fellowship. I think you live in a fairly urban area so these shouldn't be too hard to find. I do think you'd find a great deal of objective, informed support AND helpful suggestions on how to cope with the emotional fallout.

I don't think life with an active addict (regardless of the type of substance{s} abuse) is ever easy, either when you're enmeshed in his daily life or have detached. Who can say that they "detached" from a sibling whom they've loved and over whom they anguish? My brother is an on/off-again alcoholic; one never knows what he's about from one month to the next. My mother almost drank herself to death. And I was sliding down that same road over 19 years ago myself. The fellowship of an Al-Anon or like support group for loved ones of addicts can give you practical tools for the ongoing challenge, as well as needed emotional support.

Sermon over. Good luck.

A-Jock
 
Well put Annette! Thanks for adding that .....practical tools for the ongoing challenge and emotional support! Amen!
 
Just wanted to add that I thought about this more last night and wanted to say that since everyone hits rock bottom differently, jail might not even work for your brother. I actually hated being locked up and it sort of "scared me" so badly that when I went into rehab, I was so scared of getting caught and sent to jail again, that I actually managed to stay clean. Some people are not fazed by jail.

Let us know how you're doing. You are in my prayers.
 
Thank you all for you comments. Thank you Lora for sharing your story. Over the years, dealing with my father's addictions, I have come to the realization all of you detail. I am not new to this. I know all the ways I 'should' handle it. Just sometimes it really gets you down to see your beloved family member in such dire straits. We thought my father had no "bottom". All of our lives my siblings and I thought there was no hope. Though he still had some issues after he got out of prison, he had learned a lot too. But it was very hard, visiting him there, and seeing what prison life was doing to him. It was a grueling 2.5 years for us, visiting him every few weeks, 2 hours away. Hate to do that over again! But Az is very unsympathetic when it comes to DUI's. There will be no mercy, it is pretty much a mandatory sentence. But honestly, maybe that is the best thing for him. I don't see anything else working better.

Before my Dad was diagnosed, we had looked into an Intervention. Even met with the lady that was to do it. We were to write letters, come up with things we would have to do it he chose not to come clean. Soon after, my Dad was diagnosed and our world came crashing down. I don't know if my Mom would pursue the intervention with the same interest and discipline. It also can cost a bunch. Plus, my bro has no insurance and I don't know where to get him help. If he stays jobless he could qualify for Medicaid but I don't know that they cover rehab. If forced into it, I can't see him staying clean. Rehab programs just are not long enough. He has mentioned some interest in being psychologically tested, especially for ADHD, which he had as a child. For a long time we have thought that he was self medicating because of that. But, no point in taking meds for ADHD if you don't give up the other drugs.

I don't know what happened with him yesterday. I lied and told my family I had a ton of schoolwork so I could just stay home. I had planned on cleaning my house and I thought, "darnit, I am going to do what I need to get done in MY life before I go over to my sis's and waste the day listening to his thoughts of paranoia!!".. I don't even think he made contact with anyone, so I suppose he is "back out there". Most likely he will get picked up by the police for something and that will be it. For all we know, he got out on bond and is now running from the law!!! Don't know.

I have been to Al-Anon meetings in the past. I suppose I should look it up again. Like you all know, I haven't had the energy to do much lately. I will check out the book too. I am usually not the one to help my brother, especially financially, it is my sis and mom. I don't know if they would comply in doing nothing for him. They are harder nuts to crack, lol. I am much less sympathetic although probably too much at the same time.:eek:

Thanks again. I'll let you know if anything worth writing about happens.;-)
 
Janice - Just a thought. I went to a Psychologist later in life for counseling and was told I had ADD. I also think it's a possibility that some addicts may be borderline Bipolar. I know I feel like that sometimes, but never been diagnosed.

Although - you are correct when you say without stopping the other to get treated, it wouldn't help.

I'm sorry that you are living thru this pain. I know it is hard to give "tough love". Hang in there.
 
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