Did I over-react with my mom???

banslug

banslug

Cathlete
OK...I really need some input to see if you think I over-reacted just now with my mom.

First, in a nutshell (hopefully, lol), mom and I really get to each other, butt heads, whatever you want to call it. I'm trying to teach my children that they don't need to have or buy every single thing out there. They don't always need the best or the newest thing on the market. They earn money and they use that to buy things they want. Yes, I do sometimes treat them to something here and there, but overall, I'm rather strict with what I personally buy the kids and WHEN I buy them. Their BDays are this month (the 17th and the 29th), so I've been telling them for several weeks now that there is NO buying of ANYTHING until after the holidays, unless they get $$$ for their BDays, which I would then allow them to buy something.

Friday, I get home and there's a package on my kitchen island for my older son...it's a Game Shark for the Nintendo DS that gets you cheat codes and such. I hold it in, my anger, and we try to get this thing to load up. Can't figure it out, it comes with no instructions, etc. She bought it simply because she knew my older DS WANTED it, doing no research on any of it. (I won't even GO into the topic that younger DS got NOTHING.)

Now, today! My boys have been playing an online game, that is FREE. But you can buy a subscription for added features. I've been telling them NO to this for the past 2 weeks. My mom had my kidsa t her house for 2 hours while I went and did some BDay and Christmas shopping. They come home, only for me to find out (after I FORCED out of all 3 of them), that she bought them the subscription package on a monthly basis.

I tried to hide it, but I don't hide my emotions well AT ALL! lol She knew I was mad, the kids knew I was mad. Heck, I think the WHOLE neighborhood knows I'm mad. She walked out and drove home (leaving my poor dad with a mad Gayle, lol). This is our cycle. This is the way we work, mom and me. In a bit, I'll calm down and I'll call to explain WHY, exactly, I am mad. She'll apologize, yada yada yada.

Am I over-reacting with this? Give me some solid input.

Gayle
 
Gayle,

Is this typically where you and your mom butt heads - over her perhaps spoiling the kids or contradicting how you are trying to raise them?

Do you think her illness has anything to do with her indulging them?

I mean, if it's an ongoing issue, I can understand why you'd be irked, and in that case, it's certainly something I would address with my mom. But if she just treats them occasionally, as in once in a blue moon, I would let it go. That's a grandparent-ly sort of thing to do. However, it should be done fairly. You can't bring a gift for one grandchild and not the other.

What does your dad think?
 
I think you may have to look more at why your mom did this (does this happen alot?). Is she doing this to go over your authoritiy or is she just trying to get the kids something she knows they like. She may have asked them what they wanted for their birthdays and your kids told her so to make them happy and love the gift she simply bought it for them. The gifts may not be what you wanted but it is what the kids wanted and like it or not that is what many grandparents do (and the kids know it). One thing to keep in mind is that the gifts she gave were not something new and out of the ordinary, she just added to something they already have. Unfortunately, if your mom is just trying to "get your goat" you must admit, it worked.

One thing to always remember is you have control over how long any of these games are played. And just because your child receives a gift doesn't mean you have to help to make it work, especially if you do not approve 100%. I am sure your kids know exactly how you feel about their gifts (which may be why they went to grandma) so let them figure it out or better yet have them call grandma. As parents who love exercise and physical fitness, I'm sure we all cry alittle everytime our kids receive some type of computer/video game!!

In our family, my parents ask me what the kids want for their birthdays and sometimes get something extra. You may want to make it clear to your mom that she needs to ask permission first, but you can't always say no, it is part of being a grandparent that you buy things you wouldn't have bought for your own kids. There are also many days that I ask them to watch the kids and then they go shopping and the kids get what they want and I'm okay with that. If it is something I don't like, it stays at grandmas.

I hope this helps
Diane
 
That is such a tough situation and I know where you are coming from.

I grew up with very little and totally overdid it with my children when they were young.

Then things got very tight when their father and I divorced. They got to see how things don't always come easy.

One of my mottos while they were growing up though was "Grandmas and babysitters are for spoiling".

I think the important thing is to make sure they have values and know all material things come with a price. Basic needs must be met first and extras are just that.

Food for thought . . . does what your mother does for your children (hopefully not just for the older one) affect their values? If not, they know the difference between what Mom teaches them and what Grandma does for them.

If it truly affects their values, then maybe Grandma needs to put some of what she wants to give them away for a rainy day or later in life when they may need more help.

One thing my mother-in-law did was buy the kids a small gift and then get a $50 savings bond that they could use when they were older - one used it for a car, one to fix their car, not sure my daughter has used hers yet.

Just my .02 coming from both sides now . . . ;)
 
No Dearest,

I do not think you over reacted at all. Matter of fact, you didn't do enough. I have a dysfunctional relationship with my Mom and she drove a wedge between my daughter and I for years. Thing is, she had me between a rock and a hard place. I needed her for child care for years because I worked evenings and I was a single mother. I held so much in for years because I knew if I fussed at her about anything that she'd either stop watching my daughter, or she would be cruel to her.

Then I went to dayshift and my daughter went to school and things changed. I no longer was dependent on Mom for child care so I had no problem basically cutting her out of my life. I still talk to her, but I don't have a normal Mom/daughter relationship with her. This may sound extreme, but I have tried over the years to re-establish a connection with her, and I always get burned. It's like she's got no focus in her life, so she spends her energy creating strife. It's so sad.

The one thing I've learned is, to take action BEFORE you are angry, and it's not easy to do. It is a learned process.

Counseling helped me tremendously. You are the mother figure in charge of those babies - she is only in charge when you're gone, and her role then is to "enforce YOUR rules" and ensure their safety. Not to redo the family dynamic.

So no, don't feel bad at all about your actions. I do think you need to put down some ground rules, but don't be surprised if it doesn't work! Some distance may be the only solution!

Good luck! :)
 
Thanks, everybody, for your input. I know my mom is not purposely trying to get my goat or upset me. And she really doesn't see anything wrong with the reasoning behind getting the boys certain things at certain times. She's been spoiling them since they were born and I've let it go MOST of the time. It's just that the timing (close to their BDays) and the situation itself (I had been telling them NO for a few weeks) really added to my anger yesterday!

I have good kids. I really do. They have the values that I've been trying to give them, and they know what's important and what's not.

I haven't talked to mom since she left yesterday, but I warned my dad when he left that he may get an earful from her last night! LOL Poor guy. He's stuck in the middle. HIS opinion is that she does too much, and his CONCERN is that money is tight for THEM right now also! SO............what's the man to do? lol

ANYWAY...thanks again! It's so nice to hear different points of view!

I appreciate it!

Gayle
 
Please bare in mind I have not read any of the previous posts.

Does your mom do this daily or weekly? If not then, you might be overreacting. If she wants to spoil your kids then what is the harm? However, she should be fair to your boys, not one gets a present and the other doesn't. Have your considered she might be doing this as a way of making up for the loss of their father and because she knows you are on a tight budget?

Keep in mind you are the one with complete control over your boys. You are teaching your boys the important lesson of the value of money. I'm sure you both can come up with a solution if you discuss this without anger. Good luck finding a happy middle ground.
 
Gayle, I don't think you over-reacted. This is something that you feel strongly about and you reacted to it. Maybe you and your mom could come to an agreement where she runs things by you first before purchasing them for your two sons.
 
Gayle,
I haven't read any other responses, so as not to be influenced by other's opinions. I'm thinking that you didn't mention whether or not your mother knew about your ban on new items. It's not unusual for grandparents to buy stuff for their grandkids. If you told her, and she did it anyway, then NO you CERTAINLY did not overreact. But did she know how you felt? Why don't you just ask her to check with you before buying them anything significant?
 
THanks again, everybody! As usual, we both calmed down and we had lunch together with the boys. She apologized to me, and said she should have checked with me first. (for the record, she DID know that I told the boys no buying of anything new until after their BDays.)

I love my mom, and she means no harm in any of it. But at the same time, she doesn't think before she just acts/buys. I should be used to it by now, and I've gotten much better at holding my tongue.

As the saying goes, "this too shall pass". lol

At least she's involved with the boys, right? My in-laws certainly aren't. (do I still call them that?)

Gayle
 
I am not even going to read the other responses yet - just relying on what I feel.....

I think you might be over-reacting. Grandparents are supposed to indulge and spoil their grandchildren - - they have a right to do that as they please as long as they are not buying your children something you DON'T approve of....then you have a problem! Otherwise don't sweat the small stuff - it probably brought joy to your kids and they sound like they are still learning the lessons you are instilling in them! :)

Good Luck :)
 
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