naughtoj
Cathlete
Ok, it's finally up! Yeah! Welcome all!!!
So.........Clare asked a great question:
Here's a question for you:
Why, now that I have finally found a good therapist to help me overcome the stasis I have stagnating in for the last 3 years, not getting on with my life, do I find that I do not want to talk at all? My therapy session is today at 2pm and I have no desire to go, even though, of course, I will. But it isn't always obvious to me what i should talk about. I mean: I live this eality of mine. It isn't interesting. I hate it. I certainly don't want to dwell on it. I just want to set a bomb underneath it all, detonate it, sweep away the crap and start again.
How do you get over the boredom of your own situation? How do you stop seeing therapy as so much solipsism, navel-gazing, endless self-centred speculation, when what you really want is action? Action that you feel paralyzed to take for so many, it seems, unspecified, unclear reasons?
Does any of that make sense to you guys?
You know Clare, I think we get sick of talking about it, hopeless in changing it, it's always there it never goes away so the hell with it. With therapy, when my therapist smugly sits there with her predictable nod, I get angry and think "what in the f are you going to do for me anyway??" I hate that you only go to therapy once a week. I mean, c'mon, that is supposed to "fix" you. By when?? 2009?? HA! I am not actively in therapy (missed one appt and then my therapist called and said I would have to call her and CONFIRM I am coming to every appt, I was like, yeah I don't think so, see ya) but I know the feeling when you get in there and she looks at you and says "So how have you been doing" you just want to go, "well, same thing as yesterday, same ol' crap, different day, what else do you want to know". IT GETS OLD. THAT IS WHY THERAPY GETS OLD. Right??
But, the idea that you can "detonate it all" and feel better is probably not accurate. You likely won't feel better. There will just be something else for you to feel bad about. Sometimes I feel like being depressed is a choice. After all, you make the choice to feel glum every day. That may be true, but I am not sure anymore if it is not part of some people's DNA. I think I am just likely to always be this way. Oh, i know, i know, the books say that feeling is all part of the depression, but hey it doesn't get better. Not on meds, not with therapy, NEVER. I drag through every single day, telling myself I need to work out/eat better to feel better, but I just don't care anymore. It's like 90% of me wants to crawl under the covers or stuff my face 24 hours per day and the other 10% is screaming for me to get my ass of couch, mingle with friends, go shopping, be fit, eat right.
In therapy, isn't what they do is try to get you to realize that you are not different than other people in their worries, difficulties, etc. How can you think differently, think positive, etc...but even if you do all those things, who says you want to keep living anyway?? Your born, you go to school, you get a job, you work your ass off for your kids or in hopes of being able to retire w/o eating cat food for the rest of your life, but then you probably get some chronic disease anyway and then suffer out the rest of your life struggling for your health while you watch that retirement fund drain then you die. The end. I don't know if I want to be on that hamster wheel. Sometimes I get angry at my husband and cats for giving me a reason to live. Without them it would be so easy to make an early exit...
I used to love this forum, love talking about fitness. I felt strong. I felt capable. There were things about my body I did not like but the good outweight the bad. Not so anymore. I feel beaten down and defeated. While I still *like* fitness, inside I feel like a hypocrite and I wonder now if it is not depression but just that over the years I have changed into a different person. A lazy person maybe. Mentally, I am not fit. Yes, I go about my daily business but in my free time I am very reclusive. I usually don't get out of my pajamas. I lay around all day, wondering where that part of me went that used to plant flowers or go shopping. Now I wait until dark to get the mail so that others don't see me walking down the street... It is a struggle now to even go to the grocery store. Other people annoy the crap out of me, on the road, in the store. I run home and close the garage door as quick as I can and breathe a sigh of relief.
I think what it boils down to is I now feel FUNDAMENTALL DIFFERENT form other people and just downright flawed in general. Oh, someone inevitably is going to chime in here and say "Oh, you are no different than the rest of us" (the normal ones). But I am. None of my friends' (ok, aquantances (sp)) days play out like mine. I don't really broadcast my apathy for life, lol. I just cower inside like the freak that I am...
They say "Help others", that getting away from thinking about your self helps. So....I am in nursing school. I help others, to some extent, everyday. But you know what, it is not enough! What began as an opportunity to crawl out of my depression has now spiraled me deeper into it because now am frustrated and feel like I will never make a difference anyway.
Well, this is going to go on forever if I let it. I'll let someone else chime in here. Nice to have you all here!
So.........Clare asked a great question:
Here's a question for you:
Why, now that I have finally found a good therapist to help me overcome the stasis I have stagnating in for the last 3 years, not getting on with my life, do I find that I do not want to talk at all? My therapy session is today at 2pm and I have no desire to go, even though, of course, I will. But it isn't always obvious to me what i should talk about. I mean: I live this eality of mine. It isn't interesting. I hate it. I certainly don't want to dwell on it. I just want to set a bomb underneath it all, detonate it, sweep away the crap and start again.
How do you get over the boredom of your own situation? How do you stop seeing therapy as so much solipsism, navel-gazing, endless self-centred speculation, when what you really want is action? Action that you feel paralyzed to take for so many, it seems, unspecified, unclear reasons?
Does any of that make sense to you guys?
You know Clare, I think we get sick of talking about it, hopeless in changing it, it's always there it never goes away so the hell with it. With therapy, when my therapist smugly sits there with her predictable nod, I get angry and think "what in the f are you going to do for me anyway??" I hate that you only go to therapy once a week. I mean, c'mon, that is supposed to "fix" you. By when?? 2009?? HA! I am not actively in therapy (missed one appt and then my therapist called and said I would have to call her and CONFIRM I am coming to every appt, I was like, yeah I don't think so, see ya) but I know the feeling when you get in there and she looks at you and says "So how have you been doing" you just want to go, "well, same thing as yesterday, same ol' crap, different day, what else do you want to know". IT GETS OLD. THAT IS WHY THERAPY GETS OLD. Right??
But, the idea that you can "detonate it all" and feel better is probably not accurate. You likely won't feel better. There will just be something else for you to feel bad about. Sometimes I feel like being depressed is a choice. After all, you make the choice to feel glum every day. That may be true, but I am not sure anymore if it is not part of some people's DNA. I think I am just likely to always be this way. Oh, i know, i know, the books say that feeling is all part of the depression, but hey it doesn't get better. Not on meds, not with therapy, NEVER. I drag through every single day, telling myself I need to work out/eat better to feel better, but I just don't care anymore. It's like 90% of me wants to crawl under the covers or stuff my face 24 hours per day and the other 10% is screaming for me to get my ass of couch, mingle with friends, go shopping, be fit, eat right.
In therapy, isn't what they do is try to get you to realize that you are not different than other people in their worries, difficulties, etc. How can you think differently, think positive, etc...but even if you do all those things, who says you want to keep living anyway?? Your born, you go to school, you get a job, you work your ass off for your kids or in hopes of being able to retire w/o eating cat food for the rest of your life, but then you probably get some chronic disease anyway and then suffer out the rest of your life struggling for your health while you watch that retirement fund drain then you die. The end. I don't know if I want to be on that hamster wheel. Sometimes I get angry at my husband and cats for giving me a reason to live. Without them it would be so easy to make an early exit...
I used to love this forum, love talking about fitness. I felt strong. I felt capable. There were things about my body I did not like but the good outweight the bad. Not so anymore. I feel beaten down and defeated. While I still *like* fitness, inside I feel like a hypocrite and I wonder now if it is not depression but just that over the years I have changed into a different person. A lazy person maybe. Mentally, I am not fit. Yes, I go about my daily business but in my free time I am very reclusive. I usually don't get out of my pajamas. I lay around all day, wondering where that part of me went that used to plant flowers or go shopping. Now I wait until dark to get the mail so that others don't see me walking down the street... It is a struggle now to even go to the grocery store. Other people annoy the crap out of me, on the road, in the store. I run home and close the garage door as quick as I can and breathe a sigh of relief.
I think what it boils down to is I now feel FUNDAMENTALL DIFFERENT form other people and just downright flawed in general. Oh, someone inevitably is going to chime in here and say "Oh, you are no different than the rest of us" (the normal ones). But I am. None of my friends' (ok, aquantances (sp)) days play out like mine. I don't really broadcast my apathy for life, lol. I just cower inside like the freak that I am...
They say "Help others", that getting away from thinking about your self helps. So....I am in nursing school. I help others, to some extent, everyday. But you know what, it is not enough! What began as an opportunity to crawl out of my depression has now spiraled me deeper into it because now am frustrated and feel like I will never make a difference anyway.
Well, this is going to go on forever if I let it. I'll let someone else chime in here. Nice to have you all here!
