Definitely depressed, not proud of it...

B

Biteset

Cathlete
Okay...is it sometimes easier to tell a bunch of strangers when we're depressed than it is to tell people who know us well, such as our spouses?

I guess I feel like my husband LIVES with all my symptoms of depression, so for me to actually announce "yeah, I think I'm depressed"--I'm afraid it's just not news, and not really anything he would feel like hearing. Like, what's the point?

And I think I keep up a really brave front to my friends, family, and acquaintences, so they don't really know. It's only at home with my kids and husband that I let myself be the lethargic, frumpy, fatigued person that I am right now.

Okay--maybe I suspect it's easier for people who DON'T live with me to be nurturing. They don't see the full extent of my day to day condition, and when they do see me, I'm reasonably attractive.

However, at home, I'm greasy, straggly, flabby, tired, frumpy--the house is a mess--so--I feel that my husband is experiencing me at my worst, and I'm not even sure how well I myself would treat me at my worst! Would I lose patience with myself if I were my spouse?

It's gotta be hard being married to a depressed person.

Maybe I should tell him all this. Maybe it's really irrational thinking, and he can point it out to me.

On the other hand, maybe he'll view me as a burden.

Which brings me back to anyone who's reading this: it's just EASIER to say all this to a forum of people who don't know me!

Yikes, but thanks,

Gisela
 
Gisela, You need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. For your sake and for your family's sake. Depression is a demon and a horrible thing. When you are in it and seeing 'black' your perspective is skewed and it's too easy to think 'this is the way things will always be'. This is NOT the way things will always be. I firmly believe that a burden shared is decreased, to verbalise this to your husband, your doctor or a trusted friend will be your first step to turning the corner. Very often depression is anger turned inward, the cycle of irrational thinking, anxiety, restlessness, insomnia just breeds upon the depressed state, something has to give Gisela, you can't bear this alone. I'm guessing that your family knows in their hearts but it's the proverbial elephant in the living room that no-one wants to acknowledge or talk about. You are right, it's gotta be hard to be married to a depressed person but no one ever said it would be easy all of the time. Communicating and getting your husband's input may be extremely difficult but it may be an experience that reinforces your relationship in the long run. You are so fragmented right now, the way you feel is your reality your family needs to know this. Make no mistake, this will eat you up from the inside out if you don't somehow get it out. Write, scream, make a call but don't let depression overtake you. Please seek some kind of help or talk to someone, we care about you here but can really only do so much. My heart aches for you and your family, I've had a few nasty bouts with depression and remember all too well the shroud and shadows it cast on everything and everyone in our home. I pray that you get some of this out and not allow the doubt and hopelessness to fester any longer. Help is out there for you and the people who love you want to help bring you back to a more balanced perspective perhaps they don't know how to help or that you even need it. (((hugs))))

Take Care
Laurie
 
{{{Gisela}}}

Laurie has given you some good advice.

This time of year seems to really bring out depression, even in those who are not usually depressed. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
 
Gisela:

yup, that's pretty much what it feels like. I agree with you. It's very easy to maintain a facade of normality when you go out into the world and must be civilized with others. But at home, there's no need to wear the masks and you/we just can't do it any longer.

I think, though, that you should state openly to your husband that you suffer from depression. Simply stating it brings the chickens home to roost. Close family members are often more in denial about our depression than we are. This is my experience anyway. I can't get my husband to understand it at all (I've just been diagnosed with Bi-polar type II). It can only be beneficial for you to bring this out into the open at home. Your family need to understand exactly what you are going through and what you feel, and no, it is not burdening them. They need to know. Kids need to have their fears allayed, and only factual knowledge of what depression is and reassurance from you and your husband that you are actively seeking treatment will provide that reassurance.

After this, you need a declaration from your husband of his intended support. He cannot simply see you as a burden. And if he truly loves you, he won't. Seeking treatments and continuing to have hope and go back again and again to re-address the problems of unsuccessful treatments is a super-tough business and depressed people need help gettig through this. I have had to go it alone. I have not received much support from my DH with this. I can tell you that it is a long and lonely road going it alone. It can take longer to find effective treatment because when it doesn't work initially, and often it can take a while to find a good fit with an effective therapist and even longer to find medications that work and whose side effect profile is one you can tolerate, if you do it alone because when you hit a wall of frustration at the lack of improvement you lose hope and give up and wallow in misery for months more before you feel strong enough again to kick yourself into getting back out there and trying again to find a good therapist.

It has taken me 3 years. I finally have found a psychiatrist who really listens and asks pertinent questions, who holds me accountable to think, to experience tough emotions and seek answers to the whole goddam mess. When you find an effective therapist it is so worth it. That doesn't mean that therapy is easy or that you will enjoy the experience. But there comes a point when you realize you just cannot live your life, or rather not-live-your-life, like this any longer. So you seek out good help and stick with the programme because it is your life and you only have the one. You therefore owe it to yourself to solve these problems that stop you from really living and reclaim the person you were always meant to be.

Gisela: you only need one resolution for the new year, and please do not wait until after the holidays to start: find a great therapist and start to work on sorting out all the emotional crap that hampers you and keeps you from living. Medication is an option: I no longer think that therapy is an option. Medication, for the most part, can help make you feel stronger and help motivate you enough to get help to sort out your issues, problems and emotions, as irrational as they are. But you have to talk and open up. That is the only real way to improve your quality of life.

Start today.

My recommendation is: find a psychiatrist, female preferably. I have been given no end of social workers as therapists and they are not enough. They are not effective or tough enough for me. They can be push overs and let you get away with avoiding talking about the stuff that matters. A respectable psychiatrist/psychologist won't. And I don't recommend male therapists either. I saw 2 and they were both hopeless. Neither cared and they were #### at communication. So, what was the point?!!!

Don't hide this any longer from good friends: it simply allows you to hide it all from yourself for even longer, which only delays even further the healing process. Stop lying to yourself. That doesn't mean you go about the world with a face like a wet weekend: but it does mean that you are emotionally honest. And your husband really has no choice but to confront what you tell him about your emotional/mental state. He has to help you deal with it. He married you and made certain promises, "for better or worse", right? Yes: a lot of what you feel may be irrational. So what? That doesn't make it any less real to you, or the negative effects those irrational thoughts and fears have upon your life and family less devastating if left to continue. Depresssion bristles with irrationality: rationality though often does not get us very far. The world of emotions and fears needs understanding, not rationality.

Please get help now Gisela. If you feel bullied by me, sorry. But I can see youletting this drag on for ages and I don't want you doing what I did. Don't waste any more time. Speak up and get the help you need and deserve because you are worth it.

All the best, and a huge hug,

Clare

(if you need to talk more and want to email me, please feel free:
[email protected])

:) :) :) :) :)
 
I agree that Laurie has given you good advice. Please talk to your husband, and to your doctor. I went through a severe depression several years ago and was needlessly hard on myself thinking I could pull myself together and get over it on my own. I couldn't - I needed help. I talked to my doc, started meds, and started recovering. I have been med-free for nearly 5 years now. I still have some bad days, but nothing like what I was going through before.

Please seek out help - for yourself and for your family.

Hugs,
 
Gisela:

Are you doing OK? You haven't responded to any of your posts. I hope you have read them and that they have helped, a little. I hope you have not gone to ground.

How are you? My fingers are crossed for you. Thinking of you.

Clare
 
I'm wondering how you're doing too Gisela, I'll cross my fingers with Clare that you have considered the support and advice here and know that we are thinking of you knowing that better days are most surely ahead.

Take Care
Laurie
 
I'm okay! (I mean, you know...)

I was able to speak with a social worker today. I saw her three years ago when I was pregnant with my now 2 yo boy. Talking to her was very helpful--she was able to give me a couple of pointers to start with, ways to reframe my thinking so I can cope right now.

My husband just got a new job which will begin in Februrary. We need to sell our house and move (with the two kids, ages 4 and 2) from Oregon to Utah. The new job is the GREAT NEWS. But the move has me feeilng overwhelmed. And this is after two years of uncertainty about my husband's professional career--it almost ended, but then WHAMMO he got a wonderful new job. Life is good, but my mental state is not.

I've battled depression before, and recognize it when it hits--but that's kind of a lie. I really only recognize it after a period of embarrassment and denial. Especially this time--I thought "how can I possibly be depressed NOW, when something so awesome just happened for our family?"

I did admit my feelings to my husband, who was a complete GEM about it. He said "Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but I think it will help you a LOT if you start exercising again--and I'll do whatever you need me to do so you can do that."

He also claims that I always get depressed in the winter when days are dark and dreary. I'm not so sure--I think I get depressed year-round, lol, but yeah he might be right. I know I have good days and then realize "Oh yeah, it's sunny!"

Clare, thank you for your concern--if I wasn't such an overwhelmed procrastinating depressed worrywart I'd have written to you by now--and everybody else, THANK you for peeking into my distress and offering words of advice, concern, and sympathy. All of you did add to my courage!

Sorry I disappeared, guess I was a tad bit embarrassed. SIGH.

Gisela
 
Light Therapy

Gisela:

I almost responded to this thread earlier and recommended light therapy. I hesitated to post because the cause of your depression might be different than mine, but I feel compelled to respond in light of your husband’s observation about you being depressed in the winter. I battle seasonal depression. It hits when the days start getting shorter, and October wipes me out every year without fail. I took the advice of my counselor and invested in a light box this year. I never dreamed that sitting in front of this little box for 30 minutes every morning would miraculously set me free from depression, but it did. Actually, it was the combination of light therapy and the arrival of Cathe’s new DVDs. I was in a funk in October and did not exercise at all for several weeks. I was not able to sleep through the night (and averaged 3 hours of sleep on a good night). I was walking around in a fog during the day as a result. My package from Cathe arrived in November (not a moment too soon!) like a burst of sunshine that inspired me to get back on track and start working out again. The combination of working out 6 days a week with the new DVDs and light therapy (as well as clean eating) cured my insomnia and healed my depression almost immediately.

Your situation may be different, but this is something to consider. Your husband sounds like he is a wise man. Sometimes our loved ones can see more clearly than we can. Depression definitely distorts your vision and your perception of yourself and life in general.

If you have any workouts that are pure fun, start with those. Listening to a Healthy Self-Talk CD has helped me tremendously too. In my experience, I need to attack depression from every angle. Fitness and nutrition are just as critical as counseling, prayer, and the support of friends and loved ones. This is something I have battled every year. I am planning to start light therapy next September as a preventive measure. This is supposed to ward off seasonal depression when started at least a month before the time changes.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,
Heather B.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
 
(((((((((Gisela!)))))))))

I have a friend who goes through the same thing and the only thing that has helped her is going to a counsilor. If you would like some more background, you can pm me and I will definitely share her experience from what I have seen and what she has told me... and you shouldn't feel embarassed AT ALL! I hope that you will feel free and safe to rant and express yourself any time you need to. Even if not many can help, many of us can pray/send good vibes/hug you! You are well cared for. :)

Sounds like your DH is pretty cool. I like him, and he sounds supportive and loving and like he really wants to help. Lucky girl! There is SAD, a seasonal depression. Many people get that because of lack of sunlight and time out of the house. (I used to get that until I started making myself run outside in the cold and snow.)

I will be thinking of you, and good luck on the move! I don't like moving, but I love going through all of my stuff and getting rid of JUNK! ;)

Missy
 
Gisela:

good to hear from you! Your hubby sounds like a great guy and congrats to him on the new job!!! That's great. A new move is still tough and a stressful experience, even if it's for a good reason, and especially with little ones around. Your contradictory feelings are completely understandable. Definitely give the light therapy a trial, in fact, if going to Utah, you have a natural advantage. I should imagine it receives much more sunlight tht Oregon and both are truly beautiful states. If you like hiking, Utah is an ideal place. We spent the Easter break of this year there hiking the canyons and I adored it, want to come back asap!

You don't have to write back, you have enough on your plate. It is enough to know that we helped, in some small way, and remember, many of us go through the same battles, so never, ever feel embarrassed. What a waste of emotional energy, no?!

Look after yourself, best,

Clare :7
 
RE: Light Therapy

Hey Heather:

would you mind telling me more about the light box that you have, please? I hate the Winter months and the grey skies of Michigan do not encourage me to ever leave the house before midday. Maybe I could do with a light box.

Which do you have and how does it work?

Thanks for all and any info and help you can give,

Clare
 
RE: Light Therapy

Clare and others--
Here are 2 vendors for light boxes.

The first has a quiz that is useful for figuring out what time of day to use the box.
http://www.apollolight.com/new_content/about_sad/sad_lights.html


The 2nd is a vendor that has similar products. I know a physican where I live who feels the Northern light products, which are cheaper, and some that are more portable have the adequate amount of 10,000 lux. She has the visor. I have the desk lamp light, which works well for me, but you need to replace the bulbs after a certain number of hours of use to keep the level of light at the right strength.

http://www.northernlighttechnologies.com/splash.php

I do not have depression, but have had some problems with fatigue and sleep and I have used a light box (I live in Michigan) and it has been very helpful stablizing my energy, along with exercise and adjusting my diet, stress level, etc. I originallyl used the box in early a.m. but after an evaluation at a sleep clinic, was told that they key time for me to use the box is in late afternoon -- tricky with schedules, but it definitely helps me.

Hope this helps
-Barb

:)
 
Light Box

Clare:

Just a quick note before my workout. I have the Apollo Health SunTouch Ionzier light box. As a word of warning, I remember reading in the user guide that using it too late in the day or too long at a time can trigger a manic episode if you are sensitive to that. You might want to talk to a professional about the proper “dosage” and timing for you. I remember reading something about this and will review the book later.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. Check out the links Barb posted too.

Blessings,
Heather B.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
 
RE: Light Box

Barb and Heather:

thank you both so much for the info and help. You are wonderful! I will research this and if I have questions, I'll be back!

Clare ;-)
 
I could have written your post. I am an experienced depressed person. I used to bare my soul about it to select few friends, family and eventually a therapist. If thats your route, find someone who gives you concrete actions to take and doesn't waste your time and money indulging you in long sessions where you endlessly review your woes.
I now live quietly depressed. Acknowledging it to others only makes me feel weaker, frankly. Keeping a journal, like a secret hole you can pore your troubled thoughts into, helps you ecape them during daily Ylife. Learn to meditate- it will help you to detatch from defining yourself by your experience. Like diet, this is a process. some days you will be strong, some not so much. fall down 7 times- get up 8.
The process of becomming fit mirrors this psychological process, and so is instructive spiritually. Excercise is the most positive thing i've got going, and I protect that time fiercely, but also schedule it arouond the shifting needs of my family. No gym- cant afford. this makes it easier to workout at midnight if I want to however. I try and notice the positive things my husband and son bring to the family out loud to them daily.
Sometimes I cry in the shower- quietly. Sometimes my happiness is incompatable with the commitments I've made, and I feel it is more important to honor them. Marriage and parenting are work- thats for sure. Maybe you made a bad choice that you have to live with. It's not allways possible to be happy, and you just press on. You should be commended for your efforts to buck up.
Read inspirational stories. Listen to uplifting music. Emotional adversity is a challange that you can meet, one skirmish at a time. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. you are created from divinity.
 
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