Daily Check-in
Good morning! I blasted off this new month with Cardio and Weights Thursday morning. This is another happy workout for me. I love the choreography and enjoy the lighter intensity every now and then for a refreshing change of pace. After a stressful day at work, I was too tired to check-in or drive to the club, so I bounced on my rebounder and called it a day.
I enjoyed the stability ball segments of Total Body Stretching yesterday morning. I had a very emotional afternoon and wanted to grab my blankie and head for the hidey hole. I poured out my feelings in my journal, which is always good therapy for me. I am feeling much better this morning. This journey is an emotional one. As soon as the pounds start melting away, all the insecurities I stuffed down with food start rising to the surface. Maeghan and Wendy asked me about sharing a picture so they can put a face with my name. I am planning to share my pictures someday, but I am not ready yet. For most of my life, I have been judged for the way I look. I have had a lot of abusive and hateful and deeply hurtful things said to me about my size. When I started my fitness journey on July 4, 2003, I dropped from a size 28 to a size 22 in 6 months. I was so excited. Then I went to my baby brother’s wedding and was asked to sit in the back of the church instead of up front with the rest of the family (due to my size). Can you even imagine what it feels like when your own family is ashamed to be seen in public with you? I weighed on that day exactly what I did a month ago. I have been told by a family member that I am not pretty enough to live in Texas and that I should move to the Midwest where all the corn-fed women live. I was smaller than I am now when that comment was made to me. I have been told by a spiritual leader that I do not love God and that I am going to hell. I have been told by a career missionary that I have no reason to smile because I look like a roped pig and ought to be ashamed of myself and that I am abusing my boss because he deserves to have a pretty and thin legal assistant. I have been asked why I bother working out because I do not look like someone who exercises. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Can you imagine what it feels like to have people assume that you are lazy, stupid, and unprofessional based on your size?
I want to be fit and free. I am not changing for anyone else, but comments like that by people I love are still daggers to my heart even though I should not care what other people think of me. I have been on the receiving end of so many negative and discouraging comments through the years, and this is still a tender area for me. I am very sensitive. I need to get over this, and I am working on it. I am so glad God looks at my heart, not my outward appearance. I have always dreamed of shedding all this excess fat and starting over in a new place. I have always wanted to experience what it would be like for people to see through these mounds of fat and get to know the Heather I know and love. I want people to see my heart and love me for who I am and not the way I look or the size of my butt. Through these forums, I get to experience a taste of this. People who read my messages do not know what I look like. You know my heart through the words I write, and my words are far more beautiful than my body. I am not ready to give up that glorious freedom at this point in my journey. I love the fact that I can be heard and not seen. That is the glory of the internet for me.
I locked my PictureTrail when I joined Cathe’s forums and read all the negative comments about Cedie and even Cathe herself. It still blows me away to read what people write on an instructor’s own forums. When I am confident enough to share pictures, I will know that my healing is complete. Until then, I will keep praying and trusting God to mend my heart one stitch at a time.
Please understand that this is not a reflection on any of you. Everyone in this check-in is loving and supportive. I just need to deal with all these insecurities before I put my picture out there in a very public forum like this. I am hoping to attend the next Cathe Road Trip, so I cannot hide behind this computer screen forever.
I bounced on my rebounder last night. I am looking forward to Kick, Punch, & Crunch after I eat a light breakfast. I am hungry this morning!
Wendy, great workout!
Jane, I am praying fervently. Please share an update when you have time.
Tammy, I am looking forward to enjoying my beloved Butts and Guts leg blast premix later this month.
Conni, thank you for inspiring me to add variety to my rotation this year.
Blessings,
Heather B.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1 NIV).
