Brother-In-Law issues

[lynne12]

Ok - here's my vent and some questions to the educated crowd.

My DH's brother, in my opinion, is either insecure or just really arrogant and self-centred.

Last summer -he suddenly began to refuse to talk to us, his parents and sister. He got angry because, he says, his parents gave my DH and I more access to the summer cottage. BTW- it wasn't true & his parents even produced a list of who got the cottage when & it all evened out. So he doesn't talk to anyone for 6 months - doens't return phone calls, doesn't go to Christmas events, birthdays etc. Just ignores everyone.

Then, one day he bumps into my DH, they talk about superficial things - weather, losing weight, what kids are up to etc. Then, Bang everything is ok again. starts showing up at family functions, calling for birthdays. No one says a thing - really weird.

Now - my DH says his bro has never tried to be nice to him. Whenever they talk, his bro talks about himself. Never asks how he is, how I am, NEVER. in fact, my dh says he'd fall off his chair if his bro asked "how are you? how's business?" NEVER. So last family function, I really paid attention to this and my DH is right! Through the entire dinner, his brother talked about himself, never asked my DH how he is - never inquired about anything in our lives. NOthing - not even - oh you changed your hair! Nothing. the only thing he does? put downs! "Remember that time you did this as a kid and I beat you up?" stuff like that. WTF?

Any amateur psychologists have any ideas why? I'm thinking he's either green with envy over something, or really insecure or just thinks the world revolves around him.

Thoughts???

 

[pink_fortitude]

Was he like his before???

Missy

 

[pixie9]

You know, I think a lot of people are like this. I have a similar issue with my DH's sister. We have been married for over 4 years and we've been together for 6 but she has NEVER asked me ANYTHING about myself. Granted, she has children and we don't, but that is no excuse to allow yourself to be ignorant of the lives of your family.
The funny thing is, she complains that her brother(my dh) doesn't call her enough/call her for her birthday/show interest in her..etc..But she never calls us!!!! NEVER!!! Doesn't even call for birthdays!!! AAUUGGHH!
She is so set on believing that because he got married, he abandoned his family. It's crazy because he calls her at least every other month (AND on birthdays!!) and asks about her life. I don't think she realizes how self-centered she really is. Maybe it's a sibling thing or something, but it used to really hurt my feelings until I realized that she would be this way regardless of who her brother was married to.
I swear, I wouldn't be surprised if she forgot my name!! She truly knows nothing about me!! But I feel like I know the story of her life. I even know intimate details about her marriage/past relationships/etc. She is willing to tell me all about herself(while WE are visiting her) but doesn't even pretend to show the slightest interest in me or her brother!!! It does hurt my feelings because I am truly interested in her life and I feel like the feeling is not even close to mutual.
Anyway, I thought I would relate a similar story because I honestly believe that this type of childish behavior is really common and I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. I learned that I can't control her and if she's going to change, it will be on her terms. But I can totally relate to this. It sounds to me like your BIL is just immature and is unaware of his rudeness. Even if he is jealous, it's still his issue and he needs to get over it! (Although it would be fun to call him on his behavior!!}( }( )
Anyway, thought I would rant right along with ya!
Carolyn

 

[lynne12]

Carolyn, I hear ya! I hear ya. it is sooooo frustrating. I think my BIL is just self centred beyond belief and is a little jealous or something.

And, to the other poster - he has always been like this always - its just been amplified over the last 6 months.

 

[kristi]

One of my brothers is the same way. It is all about him and his family. In fact he is so bad, every conversation we have with him he talks about how great his job is (which his FIL got him) and how much money he makes. The funny thing is DH & I make more money and are more financially stable, but we think talking about such things is rude. I know for a fact that my DB is insecure and taking about this makes him feel important, maybe your BIL is the same way.

 

[pink_fortitude]

My best friend's husband, who is my husband's best friend, is also a narcisist. It is SO irritating! My BF is doesn't share her feelings with him, because it always turns into HIS problems, HIS feelings, how it affects HIM, HIS solutions...until she is forgotten and it is HIS day, HIS lunch, HIS ideas and how great they are....gag me.

My husband is so good for him! He tells BFH that it "isn't just about you, shop being so selfish." My husband tells him exactly how he sees things, and BFH respects him for it; he doesn't always respond, but I have noticed that he tries to be more giving when we all get together.

I don't know your BIL's heart, but maybe your BIL just needs someone to be honest with and tell him like it is. Such is the case with BFH, he is so into himself that it doesn't even occur to him that the people around him have feelings, too. I will rent out my husband (I would like to get him out of the house, anyways!) We can negotiate a rate!

I know it is incredibly frustrating and unfair! I am sorry about everything. If you would like to feel better about your sit, you can email you and I will tell you about my in-laws!

Missy

 

[lynne12]

I'm thinking that's the case. It makes him feel important. Plain and simple. whenever my DH says something to him about me or anything, he always has a story about himself that "tops" it. He must be insecure. Anyway, it is really sad because my DH would love to be friends with him but he's given up because his brother just doesn't want to be!

BTW - I agree about the money thing - I hate it when people always talk about thier $$$. it is rude!