Biological clock ticking strong at 31 1/2!!

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
I am so lost and confused since my micarriage.

The one thing that I felt was 'fate'.....that God would NOT let me overthink....is gone. It didn't have the special meaning in my life I thought it was supposed to. I feel cheated but mostly like my life was turned totally upside down in a matter of months. I feel like I've been blindfolded and spun around a gazillion times and am struggling to find my way in dizziness and darkness.

But I guess it was turned upside down. After all, I quit my RN job in some stupid attempt to reduce stress and keep baby safe but that didn't work. I wonder how much of my original panic in nursing was just pregnancy hormones and anxiety. Now I am just making way less $$$. :(

And now I am faced not only with all the other decisions I am trying to make but also with the biggie: Do I get pregnant again?

It is hard to wrap your mind around how you go from not really ever having a strong desire to have kids to feeling like your biological clock is ticking and you are running out of time. I think about how I was so scared being newly pregnant but how wonderful it felt to be having my husband's child. How scared and unsure I was but how peaceful I was that everything was going to be OK and that this was 'right'.... I miss that feeling.

I always said that if I ever got pregnant it would have to be an accident because my anxious mind would never allow it. But now I am back to where I was before....having to make a decision.

Only now it seems like I was lied to. I am an RN for pete's sake and know miscarriages are common but you know you just don't think they will happen to you. You don't realize that up to 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (many before you know you are PG). When it happens to you you DO start to think about your fertility. The what ifs. What if I continue to miscarry. Sure the odds are in my favor, but what if they are not? What if I want more than ONE child? Better start now. It just feels like all your life, when you think about having kids, people always say, "Oh, you are still young. You are only 30. You have plenty of time". But do I?? Egg quality decreases after 35. So there you go. Your chances getting pregnant any given month go down around age 35. I just don't feel sure anymore. The "I'm still young" thing has officially left the building. I think these are normal reactions after miscarriage.

But now.....TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. Do I see this as a second chance to pay off bills and really get ready, start my new career absent of hormones and a baby to consider. Or....do I just let go and get pregnant and trust that having a baby WAS really what I wanted? I suppose many women that get PG and miscarry were TTC for a very long time so it is easier for them to know exactly what to do after a MC: Try again. But I am not sure that is the answer either.

It is hard to explain this I suppose to those who have not been through it but I know many of you have... I felt I deserved my baby. I felt that my ship had really come in this time. Now, I am just more lost than I ever was. Now, with everything else I was trying to figure out, now I have to figure out whether I want to gamble with my fertility. Something I never even thought I HAD to think about.
x(

Comment if you can relate. If not, thanks for listening to my ramble...;)

Janice
 
Not to scare anyone but for all 30ish women out there contemplating their first pregnancy:

Miscarriages are real. They are a real threat in pregnancy. No one you know may have ever had one but what is more likely is that no one is talking about it. I know I didn't know anyone. No one in my family had ever had one. It's like I knew they existed but wouldn't happen to ME. BUT IT CAN. KNOW THIS. I guess telling someone this does not help but I came away feeling someone, ANYONE, should have conveyed the odds. Because if they had, maybe I would have had an ultrasound 5 weeks earlier and would have packed on 5 less pounds. Whatever.

Just don't take fertility for granted. I am not really speaking only about me but since my MC I have read so much on the net and what so many women go through is so much worse than my experience. What I have learned is that a healthy pregnancy is not gauranteed. You are gambling each and every time you TTC. I wish someone had told me "YOU NEED TO ALLOW TIME FOR THINGS TO GO WRONG BECAUSE 50% OF THE TIME THEY MIGHT. FURTHER, IF YOU DO HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH CONCEIVING OR CARRYING A PREGNANCY, YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU START TRYING. REMEMBER THAT". I guess if I had known that back in my early 20's, eveything else wouldn't have seemed as important. I have raed so many stories in the last 3 weeks of women waiting to have kids in their mid to late 30's and can't, no matter what they try. Their time has run out....That's all. Sorry if this offends anyone, but I feel like I have to scream this from the rooftops. (is that normal? LOL):p

So, I am on this soapbox these day and then I see an article in POEPLE magazine about Martha Stewart's daughter and her struggles with infertility. In the article she says how pissed she is when she sees celebs getting pregnant in their mid 40's. she goes on to say how she asked her RE and he said, "that is not her egg"....basically saying that when women get pregnant in their mid-late 40's there is much more to it than you ever hear about. Meaning: it wasn't natural. You have to read the article. But basically, it was a plea for women to understand that no doubt fertility decreases after 40 and basically don't wait too long. It was actually pretty depressing. Anyone see it??
 
((((Janice)))) After watching friends go through both miscarriages and child births I came to the conclusion both our personal expectations and that of society are way to high. Few talk about miscarriages or breast feeding gone wrong or other issues that affect those going through them deeply and personally (particularly when there are nosy people waiting to make judgments on things that are none of their business.) I hope you will consider going to a support group or talking with others who truly know what you are going through. Just know you are not alone.
 
Oh goodness,first off lots of ((HUGS)). This is a very timely post for me, Monday will be eight anniversary of the day my son was born and later died. He was a full term baby baby delivered naturally at 15 days past his due date. Last week I celebrated my daughter's 7 birthday. I became pregnant 10 weeks after my son passed. I have to admit there was not alot of thought in my decision as I was a deep state of grieving and shock. My daughter's pregnancy was an extremely difficult pregnancy is so many, many ways as I was emotionally not well and I have to admit that I initially had some trouble bonding with the new baby. I had some wonderful guidance from the hospital staff at the hospital during the pregnancy with my daughter. I would agree with the above poster that finding a support group to grieve the baby that you just lost is so important ((HUGS))

Kim, cab0899 ("cab" are the initials of my son that died 27/08/1999)
 
Janice,

I think you sound like you want to try again, but are afraid it will turn out badly again. Frankly, there's only one way to find out, and that is to try again. Keep in mind that there is rarely a person who thinks everything in their life is perfectly ready for going through pregnancy and having a child. We really don't live in a society that is supportive of pregnancy and childbirth. It's seen as an abnormal blip in the life of a woman, to be impatiently tolerated until she "gets back to normal", and can go to work again! I chose to have children while part way through a PhD program. Talk about creating an inconvenience!!! But graduate work comes at the same time that most women are in their prime childbearing years. So, here I am 10 years later, still not finished, but with 2 wonderful children who make me wish I'd started earlier so I could have had more. I had my first when I was 30, my second when I was 35. I'm now 37, and done with pregnancy.

Between my pregnancies I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It took all the innocence out of pregnancy, that's for sure. When I got pregnant again, 3 months later, I was so much more anxious than I'd been the first 2 times. And it wasn't helped by the fact that on the exact same day of the 2nd pregnancy that I started spotting, I had a huge bleed in the 3rd. The doctor said the placenta was separating from the uterine wall, and I was put on total bedrest for 9 weeks. The women on the Fit Moms & Pregnancy forums no doubt remember my whining over that!!! The end result, however, was a full-term, healthy baby who is turning 2 years old next month.

The point of my rambling is that you sound like you want to get pregnant again, but are anxious about another negative outcome. I suggest that you do try again, but stay in close contact to people who can help you assuage your fears. Try not to place expectations on what the experience will be like, but accept it for what it comes to be. As you said yourself, miscarriage is extremely common, and therefore, so is successful pregnancy after miscarriage. Women do pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start all over again. And are successful.

HTH a bit,
Sandra
 
Hi,
I miscarries when I was 28 at 13 or 14 weeks. My ob.gyn said he wasn't surprised since 3 fibroids the size of oranges were found in my uterus.
He also told me that I needed surgery for the fibroids immediately. He also told me that I would never carry to term due to an incompetent uterus and the fibroids. So, I changed doctors. This doctor told me that most miscarriages that happen due to abnormalities happen when mine did, so there was no proof that it was related to the fibroids. He also said that if the fibroids were removed, there would be less surface area for the fertilized egg to adhere. His advice..if we can prove that the mis was due to the fibroids, they would be removed. The only to determine that was with another pregnancy. So, I waited a while. At 32, I became pregnant. The dr. had me take it easy; no heavy lifting and only walking for exercise. I carried to term, actually, I was late. I then waited 4 years and had another son. I guess what I am trying to say is go with your gut feeling! Good luck!
 
Dear Janice,
I have already written to you several times on the Pregnancy forum. Once again, I am very sorry for the grief, loss, and anxiety you've been pitched into. As I recall, one poster on that forum made some good suggestions about resources available to women who miscarry--both web-based and person-based. I do hope you consider seeing a counselor to help move you through these powerful emotions you're experiencing. As I have written before, I too was utterly grief-stricken and devastated for 5 months after my second-trimester miscarriage, and I would cry spontaneously whether driving down the street or barricaded in my office. I can definitely relate to the grief.

As to the anxiety, I would ask, have you tried meditation and prayer? This is ultimately what pulled me through the anxiety about TTC again. For me, it took a certain degree of surrender to the fact that I "might not get what I want," which was difficult for me because I suffer from being a high achiever, a type A, a person who labors under the illusion that if I just work hard enough, I'll get everything I need and want. Boy, did miscarriage smash that idea! I really had to give up the idea that I'm the controller and just surrender to God, the Divine, Christ, Krishna, the Great Spirit--whatever you happen to call the Lord. I sought the wisdom of a couple of people who were spiritually advanced--i.e., they manifested great compassion for what I had been through and transformed my heart with their spiritual realizations which went far beyond platitudes, cliches, and broad conventionalisms. (I actually avoided the common type of spiritually immature person when it came to counsel--well-meaning but underdeveloped people who often hurt more than they help). This is just what worked for me, and I realize it might not be for everyone.

As you know, I got pregnant twice after 40 without any interventions at all, so it is possible for some women (you're right though that it is more difficult for most women after 40.) Have you tried to work with your mind a bit (again prayer, relaxation, meditation etc.) to remove some of the pressure you're feeling? After my first pregnancy ended at 41, I began to face the fact for the first time in my life that I was aging and might not be able to conceive again (this was so humbling for me). One month, I had an atypically long cycle and I thought surely it was a sign that I was entering menopause and the possibility was closed forever. Just last fall, I remember contemplating the drying marigolds in my garden as their seed sacs shrivelled and broke off. A week later, some time around Thanksgiving, I felt inspired to see one lone plant basking in the full glory of bloomed and yellow beauty so late in its cycle. Still, I was beginning to surrender to the idea that it wasn't up to me whether I became a mother or not; I might not be that lone marigold destined to push forth a flower late in the season. Sure, I had to do my part--TTC at the right time, eat well, stay stress-free, etc, but beyond that, it was out of my control. When I finally accepted this (and it was a painful process not an instant acceptance), I felt so relieved, liberatated, and unburdened. I relaxed entirely. I even began the process of learning about adopting an orphan girl from India. As the story usually goes, as soon as I relaxed and took the pressure of off myself, I conceived the next month. Right now, I am carrying a son in my body, and by the grace of God alone, we have entered the third trimester. I so much feel that this child is a gift to a belated mother, and my heart swells with joy to think of the soul I've been entrusted to care for. Being the person I was, I don't think I could have felt so deeply this way had I not experienced the tremendous loss, grief, and anxiety that I went through. In some strange way, that awful miscarriage experience softened my hard heart. Even though my current pregnancy is healthy and progressing, I am still acutely aware that a child can be lost any time, whether at 8 months, upon birth, at one year, two years, twelve years, etc. You can go crazy thinking about all of this because the human condition is one of loss. Ultimately, the stream of time carries our loved ones out of their bodies; it carries us out of our bodies as well. We are like two twigs that meet and dance on a river current and then separate. Better, I think, to just enjoy the dance while we're in it; better to relish those we've been given when they are close to us, for the truth about the human condition is that there is no guarantee of anything. Nobody escapes this world without the having endured the pain of loss. But I digress.

Yes, like you, Janice, I would tell women to think seriously about their career plans and fertility. I am in a fast-track career myself. More resources are becoming available to us as the 35+ cohort of first-time mothers has increased by almost 400 percent in the last 10 years. So what we're witnessing is a new sociological phenomenon. True, women have always had late babies in their forties, but this was typically after having had several kids already. If you are a career woman in medicine, law, or the professoriate, and you are wondering how to work with both your fertility and your career, I recommmend a book newly published by Cambridge Press--"Mothers on the Fast Track" by Mary Ann Mason. Dr. Mason has dedicated her life to researching how fertility and motherhood affects career aspirations of women in our generation. Very useful information. I agree with you, Janice, if a woman thinks she might want a child, she should begin contemplating it (not necessarily trying for it) in her late twenties. This way, you won't be forced to "choose" between career and family. This is the 21st century, and a woman really can do both, but because America is shamelessly backward when it comes to family leave support, a woman has to educate herself and be very conscious about when and how she makes the choices. Of course, I didn't think I wanted a child until 39 (when I finally felt ready, mature, and well situated with a good mate), so I couldn't even take my own advice.

I send all prayers and best wishes in your direction, Janice. Please find some way to work with your anxiety and take that unnecessary pressure off of yourself. Don't worry about cut-offs and deadlines (i.e., 35 years). This kind of stuff can make a human insane. Sometimes things just unfold according to their own schedule.
Manmohini
 
Janice, I just wanted to say 2 things:

1. I've heard about some wonderful online support groups for women who have miscarried. Sorry I don't know the names of any in particular, but I'm sure a careful Google search will reveal them. There is nothing like chatting with others who are going thru the same thing you are. (My mother joined a support group after my Dad died, and, although she was skeptical, those women are still calling each other regularly 3 years later, and it was one of the best things she ever did.)

2. While I know less than nothing about this topic, in case it helps, I know many women who have had healthy, happy babies in their forties.
 
You all are great, thank you very much!

The grief I am feeling from this is soo intense. I have suffered several major losses in the last few years so I don't know if that is compounding it but this time it feels so different. My emotions are all over the place and there seems to be so much more anger. Maybe I am just fed up this time. I don't know.

I am seeing a counselor. Not sure how much it is helping, but it is someone to talk to. I also have been visiting online support groups, reading what they have to say, although I find those forums much more difficult to navigate and since I am having a hard time concentrating I don't have much patience.

I am so on the fence with all of it. But I know I could stay on the fence forever. For now, it is in God's hands.

Special thanks to everyone that replied.;-)
 
Janice,

I don't have any personal first-hand experience with this and I doubt there is any way I could respond as eloquently as others already have. But I did want to say I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that as you work through your grief, you and your husband will reach a decision about whether or not to try again that brings you both peace.

My sister suffered several miscarriages in her early-to-mid 30s, and she ultimately decided she could not keep trying; it was too painful. She's 38 now, is getting re-married, and has two loveable dogs she refers to as her children. I'm thinking she will try again, or perhaps pursue a surrogate or even adoption.

I loved Manmohini's line about not worrying about cutoffs and deadlines; it is so true. No one knows how it will all play out. (((HUGS))) to you and remember there are options.

[font face="garamond" font color=deeppink size=+2]~Cathy [/font face]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/4.gif

"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George
 
Janice,

Hugs to you, I am so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to echo what others have already said in that getting support and having others to talk to about this is so key. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my girlfriends after my miscarriage. My girlfriends and I have been a rather unlucky group in the area of miscarriages - 9 pregnancies and only 4 healthy births out of the 9. We are all in our early thirties. We all must have hope for the future though because we are all currently pregnant.

Give yourself the time that you need to grieve and talk about everything that you are feeling and then you will be able to decide where you want to go from there.
 
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