Apology for previous post

E

elsie3

Cathlete
Hi everyone:

If you'll humor me (yet again), I wanted to apologize for a post I made several days ago. I posted about a comeback for sideways compliments. In retrospect, it sounded ungrateful and arrogant. I really didn't mean it that way.

By way of explanation, I had been stewing about something my sister-in-law had said to me. My husband's family are wonderful people, but they are all very thin (my husband is 5'10" and not quite 150 lbs). And they are very, very prejudiced against overweight people--thinking they are lazy and just eat all the time. Since I've always struggled with my weight and work very hard to just maintain, let alone lose, I am quite over-sensitive to this issue. I had scheduled my calories and workouts around Thanksgiving. I ate 500 calories the day before and did BodyMax and the Full Happiness yoga routine (3 hours total exercise) that day. When my sister-in-law and I were doing dishes she said: "You look good--have you been trying?"x( Ugh! Well, it just hit me totally wrong. But I said "Thank you, I've been working really hard." It bothered me all day. . .and for some days after that.

You guys had some great responses to my post. And you're right--I should just be grateful for the compliment and let it go at that. We went to a party last night and some people came up and said I looked really good. They were so sweet and I was so grateful for their kindness. It really meant a lot to me--and I told them so. I guess it's just the sideways compliments I have trouble with. But I'll work on that.;-)

Thanks for listening,

Carol F
 
Carol-
I don't remember your post, but I totally understand what you mean about those "sideways" compliments. My mother is the queen of them! She doesn't say "I like your haircut", she says "Your hair looks much better this way". I've lived with it my whole life. No wonder I'm screwed up! :D Why can't people just give you a compliment without having to take something away at the same time? I think you are justified in being offended by such comments. I'm totally with you on this!

-Nancy
 
You know Carol, I don't think it was nice of her to say "trying". Like "oh now, you are finally trying instead of being lazy like you usually are". She may have not meant it that way, but I see what you mean.

You know this thin family is great I am sure. But people are raised differently and look at food differently. Maybe this mother didn't teach her kids to eat out of emotion like some mothers do unintentionally. It is a battle and not all overweight people are lazy, as I am sure you know.

My MIL tells me things like "you should lift weights, it's the best thing for you". I don't tell her that I do lift weights, I don't know why but I don't. She knows I run, but I really don't go into how much I exercise. She goes to the Y, and has for years, and does water aerobics, and stuff like that. She battles her weight also. What I am trying to say is I don't think she should be giving me advice when she probably couldn't lift 5 pounds. I know that sounds mean.

Good luck and don't worry too much, your SIL should of chosen nicer words but she probably doesn't mean it.

Lori
 
Hi Carol. I'm a newbie here so I didn't see your post, but I'm another that can relate. I work from home and since I started a year ago I made the commitment that I would workout every day. I have lost 30 pounds and gotten into pretty good shape. At a staff dinner, my DBF said to my boss's wife "Doesn't she look great? She's in such good shape". My boss's wife replied with something like "Yes, I wish I could take as many breaks so I could workout too. She's lucky". I just smiled and didn't say anything. I work my BUTT off for these people. I'm in the accounting field and literally worked 315 hours last January alone! And she has the gall to imply that I milk it at home. GRRR. I was sooo po'd! But I just remember how far I've come and I'm proud of myself and find it sad that other people seem to have such low self esteem that they can't give a true compliment to someone without it making themselves feel bad.


Jill
 
You know what? People like that don't even deserve any kind of legitimate response. It's like "what ever." I listen to what you are telling me, what they say, & I get offended with you, but the bottom line is "Whatever." I can also think of of a few choice words.

Marla
 
I dont think any apology is needed for your first post.

I hate the comments for eg "You look good in that dress...............but........."

Why not "You look good in that dress" full stop /shut up/ dont say another word

Grrrrrrrr

Marion

:)
 
I don't think you needed to apologize either. We've probably all gotten these left-handed compliments & they are SO hard to take without getting out of hand. Certain members of my family do it too, and I've gotten used to it but it still annoys.
I think I prefer my Nanny's way after all, although she used to embarress the heck out of me. In a crowd of people she'll say: "Ruth, you're getting fat!" Or: "Ruth, you have stretch marks!" x(
But at least she's honest & doesn't mean any harm, it's just her way. And it motivates, believe me!

Ruth;-)
 
Carol, I have never in my life been heavy, the heaviest I have been is 138... and I am 5'2" ... now I am 108 and looking to lose 4 lbs...
Please don't get upset with these people that make ignorant remarks..
They think they are being nice, they don't realize how rude it is....
Hopefully one of these days it will dawn on them......
I hope you just continue to grin and bear it on your journey.... Rhonda:*
 
I wanted to say do not apologize. I get comments like that, "you do not need to exercise too much you look good" and then later on, "are you sure you want to have that?" or "you're going to have to work hard tomorrow to get off those extra calories." It's like, hello, you just said I looked fine but now I should watch it? I think I can control myself thank you very much. For these reasons, I try never to comment on anything about anyone because I know how it feels but others just do not understand! It is frustrating.x( x( Sometimes I think that family members are the worst offenders because, "they know you" or "are only looking out for you," etc. Oh well. Just try to ignore and go on.;-)
 
Hi
I try to tell myself that people who are making back handed compliments or are critical are just not happy w/ themselves and need to put other people down to feel better about themselves. I try to feel sorry for them so that I don't get upset and make myself feel bad. I also keep the conversation totally focused on their lives and light--they are so happy to talk about themselves constantly b/c they are narcissists and you don't need them knowing anything about you b/c they are simply not good friends to you.

I constantly would get upset over my SIL's comments years ago. I finally realized that it was just envy/jealosy, that she would never change and when I simpy kept the conversations solely focused on her life/accomplishments, the nasty comments stopped and she was as pleasant as can be. I have just accepted that this is the level our relationship can exist on for everything to be peaceful and pleasant. Sorry if I sound too cynical but my ultimate goal is to live in peace and not to be in conflict at every family gathering. You may not agree w/ my choices but they have greatly improved my mental outlook about attending these gatherings. :) HTH /karen (If you find friends who are giving and caring about your challenges and accomplishments, truly appreciate them b/c they are rare and to be treasured!)
 
People offend. Sometimes it's their intention, but I think usually it's not. We get offended about things we are sensitive to and care about. And, for that matter, people who intentionally offend usually do so about things THEY are sensitive about. Like the boss's wife, for example. She's most likely jealous of your great progress. She knows she could do it, but she just hasn't. That's her problem, not yours. Don't let her transfer her bad feelings to you -- let her keep them. Shield yourself from that.

I agree with Marla -- "whatever." They're words. They're words from someone outside yourself. Dismiss them. Let them slide right off your back. Who cares? Someone else's words are formed with THEIR thoughts and energies, not yours.

We all have moments when we say something stupid and offend someone. Sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't.

You know you're doing great. You just can't care about all that minutia! Go forward and be strong!

Marla G.
 
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