Another Friend Issue.....

[wonderwoman]

How do you deal with a needy friend????? A little history.....
We have been friends for a really long time and I dont want to lose our friendship.

She is married with 3 kids 7 yr old twins and a 5yr old she just went back to work few months ago she is also a student.
I too am married with 3 kids 13 month old 6 year old and 18yr old and have always worked. We live about 12 miles apart same county different town.

She calls me everyday sometimes more than once sends me silly picture texts on my phone. She always seems to call at the wrong time. Busy at work, giving kids a bath etc etc. She is always inviting me to places wants to do things complains that we dont see each other that our kids dont see each other. Oh boy!
We have always been complete opposites. She is really loud, opinionated, and very social.
I am not.....
The little time that I have or when I can get a babysitter I would like to spend it with my husband because we hardley see each other. We work opposite shifts.
How can I tell her in a nice way to back off a little??????

 

[maddiesmum]

Hey wonderwoman:

great name, by the way!

You might not have to tell her back off and risk upsetting her if you turn it around and circumvent her constant calling. Instead, you could call her and acknowledge that you guys are both taking busyness to the next level with a capital BBB, so how about, instead of always calling and finding it's a bad time, you two set up a monthly girls night out date or girls afternoon coffee and movie date (or walk in the park date, whatever works for both of you) to ensure that you get to see each other on a regular basis? She probably feels torn in so many directions and so overworked, she is afraid of losing herself to all the identity labels she has to wear: wife, mother, worker, student. In this sense, you are her lifeline to other parts of her identity as a person and not anybody's mother. If she is secure in the knowledge that she has an escape route once per month, she may calm down about the constant calling.

You may also have to tell her straight out that you just can't even answer the phone at certain times, so why doesn't she just send you an email you can respond to when you have the time? You have the right to be incommunicado sometimes because it's family time or "me" time. She should understand that.

Failing that, turn your cell phone off when it is family time and ignore it at others. Hit the delete button for the silly pictures. If you continue to fail to reciprocate on that front, she has to get the message at some point. Just don't respond to the constant messaging.

Hope this helps,

Clare

 

[wonderwoman]

Thanks Clare! I didnt look at it that way.
She has always been the person to do so much and never seems to be overwhelmed about anything. I dont understand how she has so much time to call when she is so busy with everything else. I on the other hand feel like I have my plate sooo fullll and easily overwhelmed and school just started! That means sports activity and library stuff.
But I think I will call her today and make a dinner date with her. Thanks again for a different perspective.

 

[RapidBreath]

Wonderwoman- Clare's suggestion is a really good one. I meet with a book club 1x/month and I feel that all the women in my group are real friends. I feel close to them and I feel like I can count on them even though we only see each other once/month. I don't know if that would help, but I don't see how it can hurt. All of us are really busy (but not as busy as you two, 3 kids and a cathlete!) but we schedule it around events so it doesn't interfere too much.