Am I that wrong?

andtckrtoo

andtckrtoo

Cathlete
I'm really sorry fellow Catheites, but I need a sanity check. I'm going to try to write this exactly as it happened, so that you can form an honest opinion, but I know I'm skewing it to my favor.

I was getting ready for work this morning, when I noticed my deoderant was missing. My 16 year old step daughter threw hers away, so I knew where it went, and sure enough, it was there (I use a different brand). She had left for school, so I waited until I got home and told her, "Look, I know you took my deoderant. I don't have a problem with that, but could you please ask me first?" She just flounced away, and left. This is not the first time she has taken something of mine without asking. Small stuff - like mascara, and things. DSD lives with us.

I had to take my daughter to her voice lesson. When I got home, my DSD had told my DH what had happened, and DH lit into me. Saying that it was only $2 worth of deoderant and I should respect the fact that DSD had finals and just let it go. He said that I go out of my way to make her feel uncomfortable and that I should just let things go.

I was taught to respect other's things, and would no more walk into my mom's room and take something, then I would fly to the moon. Am I totally over reacting? Should I have just said nothing and let it go?
 
i don' think you are overreacing. to some people who either don't know better or who are very laid back it might seem that you are. if i were you it would drive me up the wall! bottom line is, it's your stuff, therefore react however you feel necessary. if your husband had a problem with that, then send him to the store to buy her some deodorant!;-)


jes
 
Don't think you are overreacting, either. To me, it's not the deo., it's the fact that she should have asked. I expect this out of my DD's ...it's a sign of respect. You probably woulda given her the whole container if she had asked...I probably would have depending on the situation...but not to ask is just , well, disrespectful.

I see this missing in too many 'youts' (remember 'youts' from 'My Cousin Vinny") and it bothers me a bit.

And, by the way, my DH probably woulda reacted the same way as yours 'til I whacked him on the head and explained the 'respect' thing to him :)

Hugs to ya cause being a stepmom is a difficult job.
 
Dh would react the same way until i would point out that he behaves the same way when his deoderant(or anything else for that matter) was missing.

its not like you yelled and screamed at her, you just said "ask before taking". goodness you have to get up and get ready for work,you don't have time to search for missing stuff while getting ready. respect that fact she has finals, okay so she has final, you have to go to work and run the household and you need to keep from sweating to do that LOL.

i really don't think you overreacted and all you stated was that you just want your space and privacy repsected. how would she like it if you start taking stuff out of her room?? point that one out do her and DH.

btw kims, "yout" LOL omg that is a classic line.

kassia



When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it -- Bernard Bailey
 
I don't think you are wrong either. It's not about the money, it's the principle. I think your DH's reaction gives her segue to do whatever she sees fit. Not cool. She needs to know right from wrong. I totally agree with you.


"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"


Debbie
 
I agree with you completely! If, since she was in a hurry, she had stepped into your bathroom and USED your deodorant, I would not have thought a thing about it, but to have TAKEN it . . . no way! How rude and inconsiderate is that! What if it had made YOU late searching for it? What if you hadn't found it? And she's taken other things, so it wasn't just a mistake caused by rushing. No, I think that child needs to learn some respect, and so does her father, so he can pass the lessons on to her. What is he teaching her with his response?

Don't get me wrong -- almost all teenagers are like this. That's the nature of the beast. It's a natural part of growing up and becoming independent. They're supposed to be like this, and we have to love them for it as well as in spite of it, but WE'RE the adults. Our job, our responsibility to them, is to teach them to rise above their instincts, to find independence without stepping on the toes of others. We're here to guide them, not give in to their every whim and create little tyrants. I'm a teacher. Believe me, I've been there.

Children aren't naturally courteous and respectful, and they don't grow into that on their own. They have to be taught, both by lesson and by example. They don't learn these things by getting their own way all the time just because they throw a bigger fit. I've been THERE, too. My dad did that with me. He always said, "Just give her what she wants, Ma, and shut her up." Luckily, although I was a spoiled child, I had the good sense to recognize, as an adult, that this is not a good way to handle children. Your step-daughter needs you to be strong, even though she doesn't know it yet. She needs boundaries to struggle against. If there are no boundaries, she flounders.

And as for tattling on you to daddy . . . well, DON'T get me started!
It sounds as if you handled the situation very calmly, especially when she walked away from you while you were talking to her. That is so disrespectful! And that's part of the power struggle, too, although many people don't realize it. To me, it says, "You don't matter. I don't have to listen to you. I'll tell daddy and he'll take care of it." I can see that this is a very tense situation in your house, but I strongly suspect YOU are not the one making it so.

Best wishes in the future. I hope you, she, and her father can sit down at a time when everyone is calm and talk this out, hear everyone's side of the story, and make things better.

Shari
 
Hi Christine,

Not only do I think that you are not over-reacting, but I think you are teaching your DSD a valuable lesson about respecting other people's things. I'm sure you would have done the same with your DD.

She won't get away with that behavior with friends or future roommates someday.

JMO, but you are definitely SANE!! And with all due respect, I don't think your DH handled that one appropriately. However, I'm guessing DSD may have "skewed" the story to your DH in her favor and maybe that's why he reacted that way? I'm sorry if that's the case.

The "right" thing to do is usually not the easier route...so good for you.:)
 
Thanks everyone. I needed to make sure what I was asking was not unreasonable. Sometimes I get to second guessing myself. In case you haven't figured it out, this is really just the tip of the iceburg. I'm in the midst of some big decisions here. Shari hit it on the head when she said that DSD's message is that I don't really matter, all she has to do is tell daddy and he'll take care of it. His son is the same way. Not the kind of decisions I want to make at this time of the year, but there is never any good time for them. I really appreciate the sanity check - and the ears. It's good to have cyber friends!
 
DH is sticking up for his daughter regardless of wether she is right or wrong and I am not surprised. My mom used to do that with my step dad. It's not the RIGHT way to do things but I think it's a natural reaction...Step relationships are not easy...I feel for you Christine. (((HUGS)))
 
>
>And as for tattling on you to daddy . . . well, DON'T get me
>started!
>It sounds as if you handled the situation very calmly,
>especially when she walked away from you while you were
>talking to her. That is so disrespectful! And that's part of
>the power struggle, too, although many people don't realize
>it. To me, it says, "You don't matter. I don't have to
>listen to you. I'll tell daddy and he'll take care of it." I
>can see that this is a very tense situation in your house, but
>I strongly suspect YOU are not the one making it so.


Here's the issue, as far as I am concerned. This is a *big* problem in many families and particularly in those where there are "step" children. Your husband needs to really think about painting you as wrong in this situation or coming down on you in front of her. He should encourage her to respect you and never second guess your authority, even if he thinks that you should have done something differently. With the wrong child, she will catch onto that and try time and time again to use it to her advantage.

My BF had a 12 year old and we are very careful about crossing each other in front of her, esp. in the realm of getting upset about it all. If it is something that one of us truly disagrees with, we have always talked away from her first. She is a great kid and in my heart I don't think that she would ever take advantage but when that starts happening, even about simple little things like deodorant, she might pick right up on it. WE pretty much always back each other up and he usually agrees with my opinions, but when it does happen, there needs to be a sense of solidarity amongst you and DH.

Personally, I'd make her go and buy me a new one.
 
Well, I have a slightly different perspective. My SO lives with me and my two boys so I am aware of the different family dynamics that exist when you have a step- situation.

I don't disagree that she should have asked you before taking your stuff, but don't you think it would have been more effective to talk to your DH about the situation and let him handle it? Or agree on how the two of you would handle it?

I find that I am very sensitive to situations in which I think my SO is disciplining either of my kids. I think it's sort of an "I'll kick my dog but don't you" situation. What's worse is (as you have seen here), the kids learn very quickly how to manipulate that. I suspect most parents take the side of the kid automatically (I mean, we're wired that way). Therefore, we've learned the verrrrry hard way that it is much better for the SO to talk to me when he has an issue with one of the kids, and then we decide how to handle it and can present a united front. I still let him do the talking, but I participate in the conversation and kind of make sure it stays reasonable. I don't want my kids to feel like they're getting picked on, and I don't want them to resent his presence in our household, either.

Good luck. Like I said, I think stepfamilies are about the hardest thing you can do.

Marie
 
No, you did not overreact. You didn't say what tone of voice you used to talk to your DSD. I assume it was in a reasonable and rationale manner.

Your DH was wrong to take her side on this issue. DSD manipulated him for her own purposes and he bought it hook line and sinker. He should be teaching her respect for property. I think you should wait until things cool off and have a chat about this. He is teaching her to feel "entitled" and that is a disastrous thing to do.

On an evil note, is there anything of hers worth "borrowing" without permission?}(
 
Marie - I understand where you're coming from, because I also have a daughter of my own (not his). I actually wasn't punishing her at all, I calmly and rationally explained that I knew she had the deoderant, and that in the future if she could ask first I would appreciate it. At first she denied taking it, but I pointed out that I use a different brand. I did not accuse her and I even pointed out that I have no problems with her using it, but if she's running out, let me know - I can buy her more.
 
I really don't think you did anything wrong. You did absolutely the right thing. You have already gotten so many great responses!

I would talk to DH without DSD around, I may even get counsiling especially since this explosion happened over a tiny incident (just the tip of the iceberg? I can only imagine!). By acting that way, he will only add harm the both of you. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be part of a blended family when you guys don't have each others support. I will absolutely keep you all in my thoughts.

Missy
 
This
>is not the first time she has taken something of mine without
>asking. Small stuff - like mascara, and things. DSD lives
>with us.

This is actually not safe! Using someone else's mascara is an invitation to an eye infection.

IMO, you were NOT overreacting. I think you were completely in the right here. People should respect each others posessions. I don't like that DH sided with his daughter, sounds like there will be no discipline there. And as a "step-mother," your discipline won't be welcome.

Rather than you " respecting the fact that DSD had finals" DS should show you some more respect. As should DH.
 
I really cannot tell you ladies just how much I appreciate the support, the thoughts, prayers, and y'all just being there. You know how you know you're right, but you just need validation before you push further, well, y'all provided that, and I am extremely grateful.
 
I don't see what her having finals has to do with it anyway??? What..she's stressed so her actions should be forgiven?

Like I said, I think you were right in what you did but I can also understand your DH's reaction as my mom was the same way...

I like Marie's idea for the future! Talk to him and then confront the situation as a team. You do the talking but he will be there to back you up so that the kids know you mean business!

Best of luck! :)
 
Nope, you're not wrong - SHE is. She took your stuff and did not ask first.

I HAD a step-daughter once, (19 years old) and she was a brat! She hated me for moving into HER house! She had an entitlement attitude, too, and her father stuck up for her, too. We're long divorced, and I never see or speak to her or him!!

Yes, indeed! Poor baby is having finals!!
Just Do It! :)
 
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