buckeyegirl
Cathlete
I'm looking for a little guidance here for those that may be able to help.
Any thoughts?
Thanks
Any thoughts?
Thanks
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Alcoholism
- Thread starter buckeyegirl
- Start date
JeanneMarie
Cathlete
Hi!
My DH is a recovering alcoholic, so maybe I can offer some advice. He has been sober for 11 years!
First of all, just the fact that your BIL drinks a lot doesn't make him an alcoholic. The first and foremost thing you need to decide is, does his drinking adversely affect those around him. Are his family and friends distressed by personality changes, bad behavior, etc? I would say that regardless of those things, his heavy drinking is probably affecting his health.
The "amount" one drinks is not a criteria for judging whether there is an addiction. As mentioned above, it has more to do with whether the drinking is affecting his quality of life and the quality of life of those closest to him.
Is your SIL noticeably upset with him when he drinks? Does he pass out and miss family events? Is he "out of it" a lot of the time and emotionally unavailable for his family? These are things to look for in determining whether he has a problem.
My advice to you is definitely stay out of it. I ASSURE you your SIL knows how much he drinks. Bringing it up to her will serve no purpose. If he is an alcoholic, there is only one person that can help him, and that's HIM. He has to decide he has a problem, and he has to decide to get help.
If your SIL feels there is a problem, she can suggest AA to him, and go to Al-Anon herself.
I still maintain however, that you suggesting to her that he has a problem is not going to go over well. Believe me, she knows how much he drinks.
I hope he gets help for himself if needed. I know how devastating alcoholism can be. Good luck to him!
My DH is a recovering alcoholic, so maybe I can offer some advice. He has been sober for 11 years!
First of all, just the fact that your BIL drinks a lot doesn't make him an alcoholic. The first and foremost thing you need to decide is, does his drinking adversely affect those around him. Are his family and friends distressed by personality changes, bad behavior, etc? I would say that regardless of those things, his heavy drinking is probably affecting his health.
The "amount" one drinks is not a criteria for judging whether there is an addiction. As mentioned above, it has more to do with whether the drinking is affecting his quality of life and the quality of life of those closest to him.
Is your SIL noticeably upset with him when he drinks? Does he pass out and miss family events? Is he "out of it" a lot of the time and emotionally unavailable for his family? These are things to look for in determining whether he has a problem.
My advice to you is definitely stay out of it. I ASSURE you your SIL knows how much he drinks. Bringing it up to her will serve no purpose. If he is an alcoholic, there is only one person that can help him, and that's HIM. He has to decide he has a problem, and he has to decide to get help.
If your SIL feels there is a problem, she can suggest AA to him, and go to Al-Anon herself.
I still maintain however, that you suggesting to her that he has a problem is not going to go over well. Believe me, she knows how much he drinks.
I hope he gets help for himself if needed. I know how devastating alcoholism can be. Good luck to him!
spyrosmom
Cathlete
{{{HUGS}}}
I really don't have any words of wisdom for you. I'm going thru a similar issue w/ my BIL, but he admits he's a problem.
I have to respectfully disagree with the statement that was previously made that if it isn't adversely affecting his life, he can drink as much as he wants and he's not an alcoholic. (paraphrasing there)
I think if he has as high tolerance you say he has - he has issues. No one should be able to drink that much and not be affected. That means he's been drinking for a long, long time and his body needs more to get drunk. He's built up a tolerance to it. Not good. That doesn't happen if you aren't a steady drinker. Non-alcoholics don't go to the bar in the morning to "warm up" before the drinking starts for the day. Non-alcoholics don't greet the day with bloody mary's.
Replace the word "alcohol" with any other drugs. Non-cocaine addicts don't start the day with a nose full of powder. Addicts do. Society perceive alcohol to be less of a problem, b/c it's legal and acceptable.
From what you write, it sounds like he has a problem to me, or is right there on the edge ready to tumble over. As for getting involved, I don't know what to advise you. I was forced to be involved when my BIL told the family (although we all knew) and asked us all for help, and again last week we he threatened suicide. I can tell you I care for him and support him, but it can be a very odd, nerve wracking place to be.
Maybe start w/ your Sis, if you have a close relationship, and tell her what you have observed and that you are concerned. I think if you have a good relationship, it will be ok. If it's a rocky one, you may want to keep your mouth closed. But if you and BIL have always gotten along, she should take it from a place of concern, not maliciousness or hate.
And to JeanneMarie - congrats to your husband!
Nan
I really don't have any words of wisdom for you. I'm going thru a similar issue w/ my BIL, but he admits he's a problem.
I have to respectfully disagree with the statement that was previously made that if it isn't adversely affecting his life, he can drink as much as he wants and he's not an alcoholic. (paraphrasing there)
I think if he has as high tolerance you say he has - he has issues. No one should be able to drink that much and not be affected. That means he's been drinking for a long, long time and his body needs more to get drunk. He's built up a tolerance to it. Not good. That doesn't happen if you aren't a steady drinker. Non-alcoholics don't go to the bar in the morning to "warm up" before the drinking starts for the day. Non-alcoholics don't greet the day with bloody mary's.
Replace the word "alcohol" with any other drugs. Non-cocaine addicts don't start the day with a nose full of powder. Addicts do. Society perceive alcohol to be less of a problem, b/c it's legal and acceptable.
From what you write, it sounds like he has a problem to me, or is right there on the edge ready to tumble over. As for getting involved, I don't know what to advise you. I was forced to be involved when my BIL told the family (although we all knew) and asked us all for help, and again last week we he threatened suicide. I can tell you I care for him and support him, but it can be a very odd, nerve wracking place to be.
Maybe start w/ your Sis, if you have a close relationship, and tell her what you have observed and that you are concerned. I think if you have a good relationship, it will be ok. If it's a rocky one, you may want to keep your mouth closed. But if you and BIL have always gotten along, she should take it from a place of concern, not maliciousness or hate.
And to JeanneMarie - congrats to your husband!
Nan
JeanneMarie
Cathlete
Thanks Nan, and everyone! I am very proud of my DH. He is a true inspiration!
Nan, I know you were paraphrasing, but you missed what I was trying to say.
Obviously if someone drinks 24 beers a day, they have a problem. What I meant is that determining alcoholism is not in measuring the "amount" someone drinks. For an alcoholic, ONE beer or drink is too much, and 24 beers or drinks is never enough. It's the behavior of the person and how that affects those who are close to him. In fact, there are people known as "dry drunks" who have all the adverse behaviors, yet don't drink a drop. Amount means nothing. My intent was to point out that you shouldn't make a judgement call on whether someone is an alcoholic just because "they drink too much". It's so much more than that.
There are functioning alcoholics. They hold down jobs, and they appear to have a high tolerance (don't look or act drunk), but they are emotionally unavailable. The alcohol is the crutch that they use to get through the day.
Also, I wanted to say to buckeyegirl, I admire your desire to help your SIL. I understand exactly how you feel. Your intentions are wonderful. I still stand by my statement to you, however, to stay out of it... at least until she comes to you. There will be a point where she will need your love and support, and that will be the time for you to step up.
Bobbi-B
Cathlete
Lots of good advice here, just thought I'd add my 2 cents. I'm on the fence about staying silent versus saying something gentle and supportive to your SIL like, "I see your worry about so-and-so's drinking, and I'm here for you if you ever want to talk." One common thing in alcoholic families (and BIL definitely sounds like an alcoholic) is that "elephant in the room" phenomenon where everyone knows there's a big problem in the room but nobody talks about it. It can feel incredibly validating to a family member of an alcoholic for a loved one to just acknowledge the elephant. No further action necessary; like JeanneMarie said, she KNOWS how much he drinks.
My thinking comes from my own family experience. One of my sisters is an alcoholic, and over the years it has been very helpful and validating to talk about the drinking with my niece (daughter of alcoholic) instead of pretending like it's not there, which would have just left her alone and wondering if she was the only one who knew or cared about her mom's drinking.
My thinking comes from my own family experience. One of my sisters is an alcoholic, and over the years it has been very helpful and validating to talk about the drinking with my niece (daughter of alcoholic) instead of pretending like it's not there, which would have just left her alone and wondering if she was the only one who knew or cared about her mom's drinking.
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Stephanie0523
Cathlete
Maybe if you just didn't mention the drinking, but took her to lunch one day and said, "It is SO nice to have someone to talk to... You know YOU can talk to me anytime you need to about ANYTHING." That way you let her know that you are there for her and that she can talk to you, but you don't put her on the defensive or make her feel embarrassed or possibly humiliated by the situation. ((Hugs)) I sure wish my SIL were as sweet as you are!!! 