advice on helping an overweight sil - a bit long - sorry

[smartyjonesc2s]

i would love to get some advice/opinions on how to handle something that weighs on my mind. i have developed such an incredible passion for fitness and nutrition (although i have not conquered all of my demons), and would like to share this. i have an SIL who is at least 40 lbs overweight. she is 38 and has 2 boys who are 16 and 12. she is about 5'3" tall, and has a pear shaped body. i know that her weight bothers her (not to the point that she complains all the time), but she doesn't seem to have discipline or take the time to take care of herself. her entire family is always on the go, and this seems to be the excuse for not taking care of herself. i so badly want her to be happy with herself, and i know that if she would just eat better and exercise at least some she would make great strides. my brother has been doing that south beach diet, which i am not a fan of any fad diets, however, at least he has shown some discipline, and has kept a very slim waistline for a while now. i praise him on his accomplishments, and do caution him to make sure he is getting a balanced diet.

i have been active always, and now more than ever, i have taken a huge interest in the true successes of a fit lifestyle. learning so much on this forum, and becoming so inspired by cathe's fitness level and methods of instructing, have created a huge passion for me that i so want to share with my SIL. the problem is that i don't know how to subtly help her out with what i have learned. i don't want it to seem like i am saying "hey you are fat and need to lose weight", because i don't feel that way. i just want her to feel good about herself too, and i want her to have the energy to keep up with her busy life. i guess i am asking for any advice on how you would approach her, or if you would not step into that area with her unless she comes to you for advice. i have never been more than 10 lbs. overweight, and i do not know how it feels to be that overweight so i don't know the other side of how my efforts would be taken. i would mean it in love and want to help someone else feel good about their body, but i don't want to make her feel worse. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[honeybunch1]

It's pretty clear to me that she doesn't want help now, and would present you with a laundry list of excuses if you ever "subtly" broached the subject. I'd say don't bother unless and until she asks for your advice. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears," and you can be waiting quietly in the wings when she wakes up and looks around for help. I would even watch "cautioning" your bro with his weight loss method - you're better off just butting out unless your opinion is specifically asked for - it just creates resentment.

You may want to compare your "huge passion (for fitness)that you want to share" with a religious conversion - you want to shout it from the rooftops and try to in turn convert the whole world, but the whole world doesn't want to hear it.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)

 

[rcsaros]

I know people who are overweight and complain about it but until they decide the time is right, nothing is going to help them no matter how much you talk about it. I think it is something she needs to figure out herself.

Sorry not much help,
Rhonda

 

[smartyjonesc2s]

thanks for the advice, honeybunch and rhonda. i know what you are saying is true. i do have this need to help other people, but it is true that if they dont want help, i am just spinning my wheels. it is so hard when you know how to help, but the help isn't being asked for. i will just let her come to me if she ever wants help, and just live by example. thanks for talking me down off my soapbox....you probably saved a lot of bad feelings.

 

[dorothyrd]

I lost 40 pounds at age 40......because I was ready to take it on.

Until she herself is ready to do it, and asks you for advise, you really cannot help. If she starts asking, by all means support her.

Being a busy Mom is very difficult and daunting, and sometimes trying to lose weight at that time is just too much too add, no matter how much sense it makes.

If you are close, and like to take walks, maybe invite her to walk with you. Start easy, she probably could use that type of thing.

 

[gym_mom]

RE: advice on helping an overweight sil - a bit long - ...

Speaking from personal experience, stay close by, be willing to answer any questions, but don't offer unsolicited advice. At the most, offer to spend time with her "because she needs a SIL break" and go for a leasurely walk, chat and get her moving. But don't push!

I'm 5'3" and was 50 lbs overweight and I really needed to take better care of myself. My DH would constantly try to "encourage" me to lose the weight. My mother and my MIL would also do the same. It didn't work. It wasn't until I was ready that I did something about it. Looking back, I realize that I was probably a little depressed as well. That probably delayed my taking action. Fortunately I did finally decide that taking care of me was more important than anything else, but back then I would have told you I was too busy to exercise, too busy to eat right, and would have never even tried to find a way.

Now I'm looking at DH, who is about 20 lbs overweight. He talks about how important it is to eat right and exercise, yet he doesn't actually do it. I know that seeing me and what I've accomplished is starting to get him moving, but it won't happen until he's ready.

Your intentions are good, but wait for her to be ready. She won't hear you until she is.