Aaaack!!!

L

lorax

Cathlete
I'll be 37 next month. I had my annual gyn visit today and my doc told me if I was planning to have children I shouldn't wait any longer. It's such a big decision. How do you know when you're ready? My husband is great with kids - so he's ready; my parents, who have no grandkids, are certainly ready to be grandparents - it's me who's unsure. Somedays I think I'm ready and other days the thought freaks me out. I've never even changed a diaper! I haven't had any loud ticking from my biological clock but apparently time is running out. There was an article in Newsweek last week about how women have come to believe they can wait until later in life to conceive because of the advances in science but that the reality is our biology and fertility is as it's always been and the increased risks with later pregnancies are serious, in part due to "old eggs". Anyway I guess what I'd like to know is how did y'all know you were ready for children? If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it!

Thanks! Lorrie
 
Hi Lorrie,
That's a really tough decision to make under pressure!!
I always knew I wanted kids - there was never a question in my mind. In my opinion, having a baby when you are not sure you are ready is a mistake just because it is such an enormous commitment, a lot of work and just a totally life-changing experience. Really, it is the biggest commitment you will ever make in your life. On the other hand, plenty of babies are born that are "accidents" and everyone is very happy. Maybe once you are pregnant you will bond with the baby, or once the baby is born you will be overwhelmed with maternal feelings!!
Sorry this wasn't any help!! Hope someone else comes up with some better thoughts!!
Take care!
Erica
 
Of course only you can really make this decision. But my advice to you, since you asked :) is to really really put yourself in worst scenario: difficult baby, horrible teenager, long term health problems and even the most horrible of all, the death of the child at any point. If you feel that you can handle the worst, even though hopefully none of it will happen, then go ahead. In any case, be prepared for an irrevocable choice that takes twenty long years to complete. Each of those years contains 365 days, each of which is 24 hours long... You get the point. Even if you have a cute, healthy, easy-going baby (like I was lucky enough to have) you still have those twenty years of sacrifices, and tedium, and expenses and so forth. Please for your sake and the baby's make sure that you know what you are getting into. If you still want to do it, then you are truly ready and you will do a great job no matter what happens! Sorry to be so harsh, but everyone else will give you the bubbles and bunnies and happy faces. I just wanted to give you some tough decision-making criteria!
 
Sorry but I had to come back and mention also. Be prepared for physical stuff. A really awful pregnancy, painful labor. Of course these are both quite temporary. Also imagine yourself with bad stretch marks, urinary incontinence (happens to 80% of women I believe), and body fat that just won't go away, especially in the stomach area. None of these may happen, but just be prepared, because they are permanent. I guess I expect all the "real" women to hop in pretty soon with all the cutesy-cutesy stuff, so you can get a balanced view. Really, I am not trying to be evil, I just want you to be practical. But if you are having a hard time making up your mind, it might help if someone plays the devils advocate.
 
Hi Erica and Mogambo. Thanks so much for your opinions. The funny thing is that I seem to only think about the awful, hard stuff and none of the gushy wonderful stuff. A former boss of mine told me years ago that having children was a paradox. Maybe I do need to hear some of the warm, fuzzy things to balance out my anxiety. I guess it boils down to being afraid I don't have what it takes, but isn't that kinda normal? Sigh. On the plus side, my husband's got enough of "it" for both of us.

Thanks again ladies!

Lorrie
 
Mogambo, wow you are making me wonder why I had a kid. JUST KIDDING!!! That really is some good advice. The way I knew I was ready was when I had a false positive pregnancy test at the doctor's office. We were not trying to get pregnant but I had missed my period for a few months. When I "thought" I was pregnant I was really excited. This opened up discussion so that I found out that my husband was already ready to have a kid. Of course he didn't have to throw up for 4 or 5 months (like I did) and he didn't have to swell like a balloon for the last 2 to 3 months (like I did) and he didn't have to push for three very long hours (like I did) to get that little bundle of joy out and into the world. I'm beginning to sound like Mogambo. Anyway, when I found out I really was pregnant (it took 8 months) we were extremely excited. It is such a big decision and commitment so if you are not sure then you might need to wait a while longer. Even with all the negatives that have been mentioned thus far, it is a glorious experience that I am glad to have been a part of. My little 2.5-year-old son is a joy even when he is throwing temper tantrums (which he does often). I love him like no one else. It is such a special bond. I realize I have tough times ahead but right now I am taking it one day at a time and not rushing anything. I don't know if this has helped you are not but I just thought I would share!!!!

Kelly
 
I think it's such a hard decision!

I've also known that I wanted kids -- eventually. But coming to the decision that the time was right, well, that was very hard for me. (I'm 27 wks pregnant with my first right now.) So I think it's really 2 different questions -- Does a person want children at all? and When is the right time to have kids? The first was easy for me; the second, really, really hard. It was less of a decision that this was the exact right time to get pregnant -- it wasn't. But we figured no time was going to be exactly "perfect" and truthfully, we know so many people that have had a lot of problems getting pregnant or couldn't get pregnant at all that we thought if that's in our future, we should give ourselves a long time to get pregnant. (Sort of a pessimistic view, I know, but DH was really worried about this. In the end, it took us about 10 months to get pregnant.)

Personally, I think it's ok to have doubts -- I still do. I'm thrilled to be pregnant, but scared to death as well. But for me, that's ok because it's made me think long and hard about how it's going to change my life (for good and bad), how it's going to affect my marriage, how I (we) want to raise kids, etc. Luckily, I've had a very easy pregnancy so far which has made the whole process easier as well.

Lucy K
 
Warm, fuzzy things

Someone sent this to me - I think it may have been Debbie H?? I love this and look at it often:

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into $8,896 a year, $741.38 or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich.
It is just the opposite.

There's no way to put a price tag on:

Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin.

Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout "It's a girl!" and then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy.

Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time.

Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast.

Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand.

Making out da-da or ma-ma from all the cooing and gurgling.

What do you get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle and last.

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140 you never have to grow up.

You get to fingerpaint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there's no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins, but always gets treated to ice cream, regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.


Erica
 
Something that helped me to decide

I was in the same boat as you.. not really knowing what I wanted to do. I loved my life w/ out a child.. independent, travelled a ton, a great but demanding job.. I was terrified of losing my "identity " and now I would only be " a mom". .
But, someone wise told me that having a child doesn't change who you are, it only adds another layer to who you are. That helped me to turn the fence and I am due to have a baby in 6 weeks. And even w/being pregnant, I still feel "like me". I don't feel like I have changed into somebody else.

Good luck,
Lynn
 
Lorrie,

All I can tell you is what I know from my own experience. You are NEVER EVER completely ready for children -- I don't care how badly you want them or how long you have waited or debated or pondered. There's nothing you can do to completely prepare yourself for the wonder and miracle of having children of your own. And if you wait until you think you are totally ready, it might not ever happen. I honestly believe that having kids is a true leap of faith and a jump into the unknown. I think all (or at least most of us) will tell you that even the hardest and most unpleasant parts of motherhood have within them kernals of joy and wisdom and delight. I would just tell you not to think too much as there's no way you can know how it is until you do it, and there's no way for anyone to adequately describe to you how overpoweringly beautiful it is (even when it's hard!)

-Claire M.
 
RE: Warm, fuzzy things

Wow Erica, that was absolutely beautiful and so true!!! I will print that out and keep on my refrigerator.

To Lorrie (Lorrax) - I pondered this question much longer than my friends. I was 30 and very scared to have a child. The unknown should be scary, right? Although it forever changes your life, you'll never regret it for a second!!!!! And later you will think, what if I had made the wrong choice?

Sorry if my mushiness pisses off anybody but the truth is - I would NEVER choose to go back to being childless. No matter how much work, exhaustion, challenges, tamtrums, nerve-wracking, sleep deprivation, etc. - life is such a joy when you share it with a child!!!

Now, how in the world do you decide if you should have a second child? Believe it or not, for me that's even a tougher decision than the first because you don't want to have less time for the first child. So many decisions. . . .
Lisa
 
Well, you folks certainly gave her the other side of the situation, so she has all the information she could have. I think it's interesting that none of you seem to have teenagers though! It's hard to ask someone at the end of a marathon if they want to run a mile or two! My friends with teenagers are truly at their wits end a lot of the time. It's like a war. But anyway, if anybody listened to us, we wouldn't have a population problem :)
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-14-01 AT 01:32PM (Est)[/font][p]That's a good point Mogambo. I am not sure I am ready for the teenage years myself. I know of people that have just about not made it through with their kids. Hopefully, I can help my children through that difficult time because it is hard for them also but I believe it is much harder on the parents. Too bad they don't come with manuals!!!

Kelly
 
My suggestion would be to consider why you are unsure about having a baby. If your doubts are more to do with how do I change diapers, how do I take care of the baby, will I be a good parent etc, then that is all stuff that you can learn if you don't know. It's perfectly normal to have baby jitters! However, if you doubts are more along the lines of if I have a baby I won't be able to do all the stuff I like to do, I'll get fat, It will hurt, I'll never have time for myself, I don't want to be responsible for another human being 24/7/365 for the next 18 years etc. then that is another situation entirely. If your doubts suggest to you at all that you would resent the baby later then I would have to say that you are right in thinking you are not ready for a baby. There is absolutely nothing wrong in deciding not to have children if it's not right for you.

There are good and bad sides to having a child. My son is 3 and is the best thing that ever happened to me. However, having him has totally changed my life. All of my decisions start with the consideration of what is best for him. Since I work fulltime, I rarely go places that I can not take him with me. I don't want to spend any more time away from him. I sleep a lot less now then I did before and I rarely read books now; just not enough time in the day. My hubby or I have to be constantly aware of what he is doing to make sure he's not going to get hurt, etc. I don't sleep unless the boy's asleep or hubby is watching him. I have a scar from my csection, stretch marks, and at least 20 pounds of my extra weight is from pregnancy. BUT I'm still glad I had him and am planning to do it all again once I lose some weight and hubby finds another job.

Whatever you decide, I think that the fact that you are considering what your choice should be bodes well for your future as a parent if you decide to have a baby. I know far too many people who are rotten parents because they didn't consider how much having a baby would change their lives and only focused on the warm, fuzzy things.

Hope this helps!
 
Thanks so much everyone for your words of wisdom. It's so helpful to hear different perspectives. I think I will make myself a "pros" and "cons" list. ChristinaK your response got me thinking. I don't worry (so much) about the weight gain, I know my healthy habits would help take care of that post-baby, and I'm pretty much of a homebody so a child wouldn't interfere with any social calendar - but I am a bookworm and would miss my "quiet time". Then again, reading to a child and teaching him/her to love books as my mom did to me would be so awesome. I also have to consider my husband's feelings and desires as well. I'm such a seesaw!

Thanks again everyone, I appreciate your "ears" and advice and the warm fuzzies (especially beautiful post Erica!)

Lorrie
 
I know I'm late to this discussion, but . . .

I think Christina is absolutely right -- the reasons why you're reluctant are the key.

I think it really benefitted me to have a "practice baby," i.e., a friend's little one to babysit, before I made the decision to have one of my own. Even though I never doubted intellectually that I would have kids, I was never really emotionally ready until I really spent some time around my friends' babies. That's when I really started to have both the longing to have one of my own and the confidence that I could handle it. And once you have your own you love them ten times as much, so it makes it all worth it.

Good luck, whatever you decide!
 
I was just here lurking - partially because I'm bored and because Cathe's now pregnant so I figured she'd be posting.

I qualify as having "made it" through the teenage years. My oldest son is almost 25, my daughter is 10 and my little son is 6. Not only did I survive the teenage years - I will be doing it all over again! (My oldest was 14 when my daughter was born.) After all this time, and everything I have learned, Erica's post still made me cry. Yes, the teenage types can make you mad and truly crazy. But like every other phase they go through, it does come to an end. My son now appreciates me for the person (and mom) that I am. All the horrible, unreasonable and embarassing things I ever did now make sense to him. He's a good man and I love him to death. I still feel all those feelings about being with him and watching him grow up that Erica wrote about. Because of the age span of my two oldest kids, I witnessed something that most people don't really realize. A teenager and a two-year-old are behaving in the same manner with the same underlying issues (OK it's not nearly as cute on the teenager!). They want their independence but are truly afraid to have it. They are caught between being a child and a man (as a 2 yr old is with being a baby and a big kid). Tell either age group they can't have their way and they stomp and scream and won't listen to reason. So as you raise your 2 year olds, keep in mind you'll be seeing the same behavior again later!

As for the "when's the right time" question - I don't have a really great answer. When I thot I was ready and planned for my kids I either had a miscarriage or couldn't conceive. My three precious kids are the result of three separate OOPSes! God's planning was much better than my own. The timing is never perfect, sometimes you just gotta jump in and have faith!

I can't wait to be a grandma and I'm excited to see what kind of people my two youngest will become.

Lindy
 
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