Would you apologize?

> Your friend barely beat
>cancer, she is engaging in behavior which could make her
>situation worse, and someone needs to snap her out of it. You
>reacted because you care.
>
>Good for you!

I completely understand your point of view here. I even agree with you. Those of us (myself included) who are health conscious and don't face the disease of addiction (whether it be alcohol, tobacco, drugs, food, whatever) just can't seem to understand why someone would purposefully do themselves harm, and through their actions harm those they love as well.

Having said that, you cannot change a person by "making them snap out of it". The decision to change is theirs alone. You can voice your love and concern in an appropriate time and place, but your words will not "make" them change.

As I stated before, she knows what smoking will do to her... probably better than most since she's been through cancer, but it's her choice and that's the bottom line.
 
I disagree. I feel planting the seed, in many cases, will force the person to mentally confront the situation, even if for a split second. This is sort of like a micro mini intervention and interventions are known to help. I think this is much better than people ignoring the situation and "just hoping it will go away by itself". Anyone who has smoked will tell you the longer you smoke, the more pervase the addiction becomes.

And yes, it is definitely her choice but like other addictions and mental illness, her behavior is not affecting JUST her life but also her innocent children and the other people around her through second hand smoke.
 
I know where you coming from on this. I grew up with a Mom who felt the same way. It was her philosophy that if you point out very directly peoples faults that it will inspire change for the better.

I can tell you from experience that this approach doesn't work in all cases. For me, it actually did the opposite thing and was counter-productive.

I guess I'm just not into aggressive intervention. I think the world is about choices good and bad. All we have the power to do is tell people how much we love and appreciate their company and why their behavior concerns us. After that, there is no control. Others have to make their own choices as informed adults.
 
One of the hardest tenets to live by is learning not to judge others. We are only responsible for judging ourselves and the personal choices that we make...right or wrong, good or bad.

I would do unto others simply as you would have done unto you.

If you were in your friend's situation and an apology would be the right thing....then do it. Apologize for the way you may have made her feel. Keep it simple and genuine. Avoid rehashing your intent or your rationale. Move forward with kindness.

X
 
"Having said that, you cannot change a person by "making them snap out of it". The decision to change is theirs alone. You can voice your love and concern in an appropriate time and place, but your words will not "make" them change."

Very insightful. I can only go based on my experience in health care and with family members, but rarely does confronting an individual re: health behaviors result in change. It may work for some, Candi admits she appreciates this approach, but that is not the majority. People are often defensive regarding personal choices. I agree that smoking, like so many other behaviors, impact others, but people tend to take confronting their behavior as a personal attack.

I would have a calm discussion with my friend if it were me. I would not apologize for the content of the message but the delivery.
JMO based on my experience as a health care provider, take it for what its worth. :)
 
I think you could have talked to her privately and with more tact. It's really none of your business what she chooses to do. I know all too well no matter what you say to smokers, they will smoke anyways and quit when they are ready. It took my dad having lung disease and living with an oxygen tank to get my brother to quit smoking. I would apologize and let her know you are concerned, but leave it at that. You aren't her mother. Let's face it, there is way too much info out there about the dangers of smoking. You aren't telling her anything she doesn't already know. In fact you may have encouraged her to smoke more wtih your rant.
 
I think you should apologize and tell her how much her friendship means to you. But I would also stand by your opinion. Let her know that. Then drop the subject and just be her support system.
 
I suppose I would apologize. She knows what she's doing is wrong and doesn't need to be told. That's a sure-fire way to initiate defensive behavior from somebody.

She just went through Hell, and is now free from an unhappy marriage. There's alot of stress, and probably a newfound sense of freedom. I would be there for her as she needs you, but don't lecture. Just listen.
 
I would not apologize. I work in health care and cannot understand the educated people who smoke.In Canada you cannot smoke in a public building and have to be at least twenty feet away from the entrance of a building to smoke. I think it should be a crime to expose people to second hand smoke especially children. I think Americans are farther ahead of Canada with the American's for Nonsmoker's rights organization pushing for smoke-free areas.I don't hang around any smokers and try to involve myself with people who are health concious.
Sharon
 
I would not apologize. Smoking cigarettes is bad for your health and very addictive.
A few people on this thread have suggested that it is your friend's decision to stop smoking, and that your advice will not be heeded. This may be true, however, I know quite a few people in my profession (addictions counseling) who NEVER made that decision on their own. They had to get a kick in the pants to stop their addictive behavior by the law, their school/work/, family, boyfriend or girlfriend giving them an ultimatum on what they were doing. I used to work with someone who is in Recovery who had 4 DUI's and did a signifigant amount of prison time, and only made the decision to stop when she was faced with a parole violation due to her use after she got out. Lots of people where I am working now are court ordered into addictions treatment, and benefit from it, after they get through their initial denial. So don't ever say that the person who has the problem always has to decide to do something about it. Other people may make the decision for them that they need to quit, and there is nothing they can do about it. Some people may stop with outside intervention (and some people don't stop no matter what happens, EVER.)
Just wanted to get my two cents in. This may have gone a bit off topic.
 
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