To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cancer

Janice,

First let me say how deeply sorry I am that you are in this situation.

I know how you feel, I lost my dad this past December. He had been sick for such along time, he was diagnosed with Diabetis last March, then he developed Diabetic Neuropathy and he started losing the use of his legs, and then he was in and out of the hospital from July 2005 on. he spent the last 2 months of his life in ICU. The main thing to do is just talk to him and tell him how much you love him and that it is ok to let go (if he is like my dad was he has fought so hard) My dad was only 68yrs old when he passed away. One of my older sister's did help take care of my dad, dressing, the bathroom the whole bit, he didn't like it any, but he knew that my mom was not able to do it by herself, so he let my sister. He also at times would let my older brother and my husband help him with his personnal needs. Just be patient, your dad will eventually realize that you just want to help him, and that you are not paying attention to anything but his care.:)

Just remember it is hard for our parents to let us take care of them, especially when they are used to doing the care taking.

Hang in there and just tell him how much you love him, cry if you feel you need too, I still cry over my dad (it'll be 5 months tomorrow).

I hope this helps, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Chris
 
my deepest sympathy ... your post brought back lots of memories. I lost my father to cancer 13 years ago and this time of year brings back the memories as he was finally diagnosed at the beginning of June and died about a month later. My mother died early last June and May was a difficult month also. We had hospice in for both occasions -- they were very helpful, so was the literature. Most of us (siblings) were there for their final breaths, and I'm grateful I was even though it was painful. During the dying process, I allowed the "silent" tears to fall in their presence and would go to another room when it felt too overwhelming and I was afraid I'd let out too loud of a sob. Don't worry too much about doing it "right or wrong" ... I don't think there really is a wrong in this process ... Your parents raised you well since you are helping during this difficult transition. Let your father know that you love him and that you'll be ok, although you will miss him terribly, you will be ok. I think that idea gives a dying parent comfort knowing that the family will be ok despite the pain of the loss and allows for an easier transition for them. We don't come into this world alone, and bless you and your's for being with your father during this time, so that he leaves this world surrounded by the love of family. Prayers and hugs ... Deb
 
Thank you all again.

Dad is doing better, according to the doc. Says he seems more alert and functional than when he came into hospice for the med switch. Said vital signs are not indicating his passing any time soon. Says he could still go suddenly, of course, but he is still somewhat ambulatory and urinating so that made her feel he was OK for now. We (sis and I) talked to the social worker about our plans for where he was going to go after they stabilize him. If we want him to stay at the hospice house we will have to pay out of pocket. Insurance will not cover. That is an option, we have financial assistance from his family. Other option is him staying with me, bringing a nurse in for some of the time. A few other family members would help with his care on days I have school. Hospice would provide the bed and everything. We are going to strait up ask him tomorrow what he prefers and I will let you know. It is going to be a hard conversation and I really hope he can be honest with us as far as his end of life wishes.

I'll keep you updated. Thank you for the prayers. GREAT BIG HUG to you guys too! Right back atcha!
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

I have lost many close relatives to cancer. It is never easy and always heart breaking.

All you can really do is be there and try to make thier last days as comfortable as possible.

I have always heard that you shouldn't cry in front of them as well...I think it's simply because you do not want to put any undue stress on them ... cause them to worry about you. I'm sure your father knows you love him. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

I can't offer much advice cause to me, there's just no ANSWER here. You just get through it. Once he is gone although you will be very sad, I am sure that you will feel a great sense of relief and a feeling of happiness for him as he will finally be at peace and no longer suffering.

This has been a long, tough road for you but I'm sure you will make through and be OKAY.
 
Janice, that's good news that your Dad's med switch went smoothly. Such an incredibly fine balance between pain control, lucidity and all of the side effects of these powerful drugs. You sound strong, resolved and unified with your family to find the best option for the coming days. A supportive and unified family is a wonderful blessing. ((((((Hugs)))))) and prayers to you!

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Hi Janice,

I am so sorry for your dad's illness and suffering.
I lost both my parents to cancer (my dad died 25 years ago,
my mom died 15 years ago) You are bound to cry about it because
it is so hard to watch. My mom's doctor told my brother and I
to "make every day a good day" when my mom's cancer got advanced.
That being said try to talk to your dad about the good, fun and
funny times you have had. Even if he is not alert or able to
answer you it will help you both.

Cindy
 
Hi there- I lost my DAD in 1998 from esophageal cancer- and what still bothers me is not taking the time to say anything I could have said to him (he couldn't talk and was out of it but I do believe he would have heard me). He was a very proud man so I think it was hard on him-when he let us help him to the bathroom was when I realized he did't CARE anymore and knew he would die- my advice to you is to make sure you let him know how much you want to help if he will let you-being passive (referring to myself) and NOT doing more and saying what you might say-you will regret. Best wishes, deb
 
first off, i'm so sorry that you are going through this. it's so hard. i just wanted to say that in my experience and (humble) opinion, tell him everything you need to tell him, and then tell him again. spend as much time with him as you can. i don't think there's anything wrong with crying with him and having your last times with him be real and raw - that's what life is.

many, many hugs to you.
 
Well, (big sigh), Dad's coming to live with me. We looked at several hospice houses cuz my sis thought him living with me would be too stressful for us but hospice says dad can't stay there right now since he is stabilized...even if we pay out of pocket. So, today, I had all kinds of DME delivered..hospital bed, o2, bedside commode, walker..there is stuff EVERYWHERE! This house is bursting at the seams! Hubby and I ran around today a bit freaking out and are trying to accept this. Knowing that the only other option is LTC, I know I don't want him there. I *think* he would rather live with me so we will try that for now, unless it becomes too stressful. Sis will come over most days and help and I think we are going to try to get a nurse in at night, atleast on the nights before I have to go to school/clinicals. Work is another story, not sure about that yet.

Again, thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It helps a lot to have some idea of what to expect and how to act. :)
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Hi Janice, I've been thinking of you lots and just PM'ed you.

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
Nancy,

Your advice was beautifully stated. I just had a friend die of cancer and I think this is the best advice!

Janice,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lisa
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Well, now they are not releasing Dad from the hospice. They now think he is shutting down. I was in school today but I guess he was not doing very good. I cancelled work this weekend and plan to go be by his side after school tomorrow. I wish I could cancel school but I can't without being dropped...I just wish he did not have to die in that facility. Truth is, though, I don't know if there is anyplace he could die that he would be truly happy and at peace.;(

I am just an emotional wreck. It sounds bad to say but I was wondering how I was going to take him being with me. My husband was stressed, I was stressed, before he even got here! I can barely even talk with him without breaking down in tears...and that is just at the hospice! Very hard to be "real and raw" because I will just bawl. I just don't want to lose him. I am suddenly 5 years old and losing my daddy. It is like someone is ripping me up inside with a knife. I was listening to Eric Clapton's "River of Tears" today just bawling. I hope I can hold it all together. I hope he will be at peace and know that we love him. I hope he won't think we just left him there..

Please, please, please say a prayer for my Dad and that he will find peace. I am so afraid he will die terrified.;(

Thank you all
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}!

Oh sweetie! There's nothing I can say except that I'm praying hard for you and your dad. He knows you love him. That much I do know. You have been there for him all along. I wish you both peace. And don't feel guilty about feeling stressed. It IS one of the toughest moments of your life. Please do talk to the hospice and read the information they give you. It's okay to cry. I'm crying for you right now.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice,

More {{{{HUGS}}}}}.

Your father, you, and your family are in my prayers.
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice first I want to send you a big hug. Your Dad, and your family are in my prayers. As others have said just be there and spend time with your Dad. It is the best gift you can give. It is ok to cry and you should not feel badly about it. Having his family around him whereever he is is the best support he can have.

Charleen
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice-
At the end, we convinced the nurses to give my Dad Adavan to keep him calm and relaxed. Along with the morphine, it worked wonders. He became very calm and peaceful. Please talk to the hospice nurses about Adavan. Someone from the family should be with him, holding his hand, and he won't be terrified. Take turns, do it in shifts, but always have someone there with him. He needs his family now.

My thoughts are with you. {{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
-Nancy
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Nancy,

He is already on Ativan and methadone. Don't know about morphine..I believe methadone is stronger. I am going tonight to see him and possibly stay. It is very cramped at this facility which is why I would love to have him transferred, but they think that would be too much. I will see how he is tonight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you all too!
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Nancy,

He is already on Ativan and methadone. Don't know about morphine..I believe methadone is stronger. I am going tonight to see him and possibly stay. It is very cramped at this facility which is why I would love to have him transferred, but they think that would be too much. I will see how he is tonight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you all too!
 
RE: To those who have lost a loved one to illness/cance...

Janice - let us know how things are! We're all thinking of you and your father.
 
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