Need Help - How much do you spend on gifts?

[Shoegal]

My DH and I are having a massive disagreement regarding our budget. We are approaching our 1st year anniversary and haven't merged our finances but are in the process of doing so now. We don't see eye to eye on the gift budget. I know times are tough and we are all cutting back but putting that aside, I would like to know typically how much everyone spends on gifts in a year. I have a large family and we have always bought for everyone - we don't eliminate the adults or do a grab bag for Christmas. I also always buy for everyone's birthday - and I spend about $50 on each person. Traditionally, my sister and I have always spent a great deal more on each other - for both Christmas and our birthdays. This has been happening for quite awhile. I also tend to spend more on the other members of my immediate family. Generally, I like to feel good about my gifts - so if something costs a little more and I think they'll like it - I'll buy it. All told - I spend about $5000 a year on gifts - which includes other little oddities that I won't go into.

So - trying to cut this short. I am supposed to contribute to the household and give money for all our expenses which drastically cuts down on my disposable income - which means I have less money now to give gifts in my typical fashion. What I don't understand is that before we got together I had money for all of this and could pay for my car, the rent, insurance etc alone. Now married - when we should have more money together - I have less. How does this make sense? Anyway, I don't appreciate having to change the way I have typically done things in order to suit him. I'm old and independent and stubborn - but I know that marriage is about compromise and I should be more flexible - but I don't want to just give in.

Tell me that I'm insane or unreasonable or he's wrong. I need an objective third party. So any help here would be appreciated.

 

[Gayle]

Hi Shoegal - Is there a particular reason that you're merging finances? I know a lot of couple do it successfully, and a lot of couples don't do it successfully, and in those cases that feeling of inequity or differences in priorities can come into play.

I've been married for more than 10 years, and DH and I have never merged our finances...this works great for us. We divvied up the household bills so it's pretty equitable about who pays what, and that leaves the discretionary stuff, like gifts, up to each of us separately...he buys for his family, I buy for mine. So if one of us wants to break our own discretionary bank on gift giving, the other doesn't have to suffer for it.

Just a thought...

That said...my family doesn't spend much on gifts. None of us is rolling dough, so we decided to do the secret Santa thing at Christmas for the adults ($25 limit) and just buy individual presents for the kids. It relieved a lot of financial and time stress from the holiday season, and everyone gets really creative in their gift giving.

Hope this helps.

 

[brendazzzz]

Shoegal, that sounds like an enormous amount to me... We do the exact same thing that Gayle does. We draw names with a $25 limit and then buy for the kids.

 

[PhyllisG]

Why merge your finances? I have been married for a long time and we always merged our money until recently. Now we keep it separate and it is true I find that I have more disposable income and less disagreements about what is being spent and how it is being spent.

 

[Liann]

We merged our finances when we got married, but we both still have separate accounts that a small portion of our paychecks get deposited in. I would have a problem with my DH expecting us to pay $5K out in gifts though from our account. NOT going to happen. We cut out all birthday gifts after getting married and taking on a mortgage and a number of other bills. Christmas is rough because we both have such big families, but we try to keep the spending down and sometimes even buy one nice group gift for a family. Maybe having a separate account with your own "allowance" going into it that you could use for gifts would be the way to go? Whatever DH has in his account is for him to decide what to use it for and vice versa with mine. This saves us a lot of grief!

 

[Miss Lee]

My DH and I have never NOT merged our finances. In fact, I quit working a few years ago and DH's check is deposited directly into a joint account. I take care of all the finances and when he wants to buy something he comes to me . That said, WOW OH WOW you spend a FORTUNE on gift giving! Whether you merge your finances or not, that seems like an incredible amount of money to me, unless, of course, you're wealthy. Just think what you can do with $5000!!!

For birthdays, my family sends cards and/or we call each other. They all know I will call to sing the Happy Birthday song and they look forward to it every year (or so they say ). As for Christmas, we only buy for the kids. We stopped exchanging gifts with sibliings years ago. We're all adults now and we can pretty much afford to buy ourselves anything we want. We have opted to make a charitable donation in our parent's names instead.

 

[sparrow13]

My DH and I have never NOT merged our finances. In fact, I quit working a few years ago and DH's check is deposited directly into a joint account. I take care of all the finances and when he wants to buy something he comes to me . That said, WOW OH WOW you spend a FORTUNE on gift giving! Whether you merge your finances or not, that seems like an incredible amount of money to me, unless, of course, you're wealthy. Just think what you can do with $5000!!!

For birthdays, my family sends cards and/or we call each other. They all know I will call to sing the Happy Birthday song and they look forward to it every year (or so they say ). As for Christmas, we only buy for the kids. We stopped exchanging gifts with sibliings years ago. We're all adults now and we can pretty much afford to buy ourselves anything we want. We have opted to make a charitable donation in our parent's names instead.

What she said.

 

[chefkate]

ditto what sparrow and michele said!

thats funny! my dh has *zero clue* about $$$$.
even when we were dating i balanced his checkbook. no, im not controlling, why do you ask?!

 

[Shoegal]

This is what is being proposed: We both contribute money toward all things in the household proportional to our incomes. He makes more so he contributes more - that money is put into an account where all the bills are paid out of. Anything left over after bills are paid is our own money. Actually, there will be 2 accounts - one for all the bills like the mortgage, utilities, insurance etc - another is for meals, entertainment, gas etc. that we contribute money toward - again proportional to what we make. So we both can spend from the 2nd account. The first account (bill account) is never really touched except to adjust as the bills change. We both have our own individual accounts as well to spend whatever is left over.

This is what I mean by merge - and I thought that this sounded fair - Now I pay more to live which leaves less for other things - like gifts. Gee - I never really thought that my gift budget as extravagant before. It is what I've been used to.

I'm curious - how do you keep finances completely seperate??

 

[cakebaker]

Ditto to the ditto to the ditto!

ditto what sparrow and michele said!

thats funny! my dh has *zero clue* about $$$$.
even when we were dating i balanced his checkbook. no, im not controlling, why do you ask?!

I agree with sparrow, michele & chefkate. IMO, also, your gift budget could be trimmed easily and a lot without your giftees getting bent out of shape.

 

[LaughingWater]

Shoegal, 5K in gifts is quite a bit. I know you won't like it very much, but if you plan on pooling money with your husband, you'll have to compromise.

DH and I are similar to Michele and Sparrow. It's all "our" money, so we spend it as a team.

Because our two families are so different, we have a different set of gift-giving rules for each. I won't bore you with the details, but I will say the amount never goes over $25, and the kids get cut off at age 18. Siblings don't exchange gifts.

My side is multi-generational, which presents some problems. As the family gets bigger, you could end up buying gifts in 30 years for kids you hardly know! We have since taken steps to alleviate that burden somewhat.

I finally got so sick of the back and forth about gifts, I announced a few years ago that my children will be having Gift-Free birthdays from now on. Just come over and celebrate. At first my family was horrified, but with the economic slow down, I suspect a few are now relieved.

 

[My2girls]

Ditto to the ditto to the ditto to the ditto!!!!!!

My DH and I have always had a joint account. I thought that was one of the neat things about getting married . I do the bills and we discuss gifts and charitable donations.

Quite a while ago we stopped the gift giving. It was becoming silly. It felt that we/some were expecting the gifts instead of celebrating the occasion or person. This doesn't mean we don't get/make a gift if we feel led to.

Good luck with finding a compromise that makes you and your DH happy!

 

[fit44]

We stopped gift giving to extended family a long time ago. It puts too much stress on everyone financially and 9 times out of 10 the gift is just not right.
We still give DH's parents money for birthdays and holidays. They are retired and need it because they spend a small fortune on health managment. DH always asks me how much, and I tell him to give what we can afford and what's in his heart. I am comfortable with him giving generous amounts to his aging parents. We did for mine when they were alive.
I've been a SAHM forever and so all money is "ours". Now, my nickname should be shops with a black belt! So, I get a monthly spending allowance. Money that is mine to spend each month quilt free. If I need more, I ask and he has never turned me down.
I know that sounds old fashion, but he is better at managing money than I am and we are debt free with money in reserve. I get a nice sum of money every month to spend no questions asked so it's a nice compromise.

I will say, it took 28 years of marriage to iron out all the details! Believe me, we went through this is mine, this is your's stage. What's his is mine, what's mine is mine Thankfully those days are gone but again, that took many years and arguments to get there!

 

[sparrow13]

ditto what sparrow and michele said!

thats funny! my dh has *zero clue* about $$$$.
even when we were dating i balanced his checkbook. no, im not controlling, why do you ask?!

LOL!

My DH is just as happy to not deal with money, or bill due dates, or anything of the sort, which works out great, because like you Kate I am not the least bit of a control freak <snort>. Two things I like to hold the keys to in my house: the food and the money.

Life is good.

 

[LaughingWater]

DH and I split the financial responsibilities. He makes and invests our money, and I'm in charge of the bills.

We cross train though. He could take over paying the bills if needed, and I'm currently learning the basics of investing (but I have a ways to go before I feel comfortable with it all).

 

[Gayle]

DH and I split the financial responsibilities. He makes and invests our money, and I'm in charge of the bills.

We cross train though. He could take over paying the bills if needed, and I'm currently learning the basics of investing (but I have a ways to go before I feel comfortable with it all).

This is a really smart strategy, Lori.

A cautionary tale about completely handing finances over to one's spouse:

DH's brother and SIL are in the midst of getting a divorce after 20+ years of marriage. She had total control of all the bills and finances. He has absolutely no clue as to where his life stands from a financial standpoint. He doesn't know what their assets are or what their expenses are or should be...and I fully expect that he's going to be taken for a ride...

Sorry for the Debbie-Downer moment.

 

[syzygy314]

WOW! That is a HUGE gift budget! I can't relate to the big family thing, but we merged our finances when we got married. We spend about $400-$600 on each other per year. None of my family buys for each other anymore. I have found that it's not the cost of the gift, but the level of thought and personal connection involved in the gift that brings the most joy! My husband and I for anniversaries decided after our first anniversary that we would take each year and learn something new together instead of buying separate gifts. To date, we have started recreational bicycling, skulling, skydiving, ballroom dancing, competition shooting and rock climbing. Giving the gift of learning something new is a good idea, especially if it can involve the whole nuclear family and, depending on what it is, doesn't always have to be expensive!

Just a thought! Good luck!

 

[fit44]

DH and I split the financial responsibilities. He makes and invests our money, and I'm in charge of the bills.

We cross train though.

Yeah, that is smart. My dad always managed everything so when he died my mother didn't know what was what. I had complete control over our money for years because DH knew it made me feel more secure. But I sucked at saving and investing.

I pay all the bills going out, but DH deposits all the money in the bill paying account that I manage. He use to manage the bills, but he was always late getting them out. That annoys me. I pay them within days of them arriving in the mail and I know exactly when they are due.
He manages all the investments, savings, college tuition(thank goodness). I view the statements so I know exactly how well we are doing. Well, lately I won't open them. It's kind of depressing to see the money dwindle. My DH opens them and says, "I've been robbed!"

 

[spyrosmom]

As far as keeping money separate

We have 3 accounts. His, Mine, and Savings. He makes more money than I do, so it is his money that goes into savings. It pays for the taxes (we aren't escrowed bc they kept goofing it up) and homeowners ins, and any emergencies (plumbing exploding, anyone?) My check goes into my acct, his goes into his acct and they never meet. He covers the Mtg, his car note/ins/plates, the utilities, his credit cards, and every other week of daycare. Plus whatever else he feels he needs. I cover the food, my car note/ins/plates, my credit cards, and every other week of daycare. Plus whatever else I feel I need. Incidentals/entertainment are split as they come up. We each pay our own medical/dental bills. Expenses for our son (school, dr) are paid when they come up, by whoever does it, and split fairly evenly over the course of the year. I tend to buy most of DS clothes, because I'm a shopper, he's not. We don't fight about money, either. It works for us. We've been married 10 years, and no problems. Incidentally, the only joint acct we hold is the mortgage. He is not on my car, and I am not on his. Nor do we share credit cards. We each cover the gifts for our own families. It works for us, but it may not work for everyone.

Nan

 

[elliemom]

Cautionary Tale

Yes, I think $5000.00 is a huge gift budget, but that's none of my business really. You and DH have to decide how to handle your money differences so that each of you is happy with it.

But, remember marriage is a legal contract and there quite a few ways to get yourself (or him) in trouble if something goes wrong.

About 8 months ago the bank called me to say that I had way too much money in a statement savings account from 20 yrs ago. It was earning like 0.2%. They suggested that I switch it over to an MMA. I said let me talk to my DH when he gets home. We talked about it, decided to put (theoretically) 10,000.00 into the MMA. A few months later ALL the banks and stock markets started to tank. I wasn't sure if the MMA was FDIC insured so I asked DH on his way home to stop at the bank and take out 7,000 dollars. Guess what- DH is not on that account. When the lady called and said the bank acct was from 20 years ago it SHOULD have dawned on me that that was MY personal savings from before we were married. We just kept using it as OUR savings. So, I could just walk away with ALL that money. It's ALL in my name. And even though we are married it is NOT a marital asset in NJ if it is in JUST my name!!!! It's a good thing I really like him!!!!!

Everyone (men and women) should be aware of their financial status. No one person should hold everything in their name. Check your state laws too re: marital property etc. My financial future is my own responsibilty and not his. We work together to plan for the future and retirement and kids college etc. But in a nasty divorce case I could have walked away with A LOT of free money!!!! Be careful

ellie