How to help my obese friend

pjlippert

pjlippert

Cathlete
So, here's the scoop. One of my best friends is continuing to get increasingly fat. She's about 5'4 and weighs close to 200lbs at this piont. She is unbelievable sensitive and takes things to heart in a very angry and defensive way if ANYbody points out anything wrong with her or her family.

I'm concerned for her health but know she will blow up at me if I bring up the obvious. I've offered to workout with her- she doesn't want to do it. Offered to do WW with her - she claims she "can't afford it" trust me- she can!

Her eating habits are crap and she knows it- has admitted it. She has no energy. She's had bloodwork done and there is nothing medically wrong with her. She is on anti-depressants but gained weight even when she wasn't on them.

She seems to have given up. Any advice as to how I can approach this with her so she wont' go unhinged on me?

Thanks!
Pam
 
Sounds like your friend is not interested in losing weight right now and until she is, I highly doubt anything you say or do will be helpful and will probably and unfortunately be met with the same response as you have gotten to date. :(

If, however, the time comes when she shows ANY sign of interest in losing a few pounds, I am sure that you will be a great help to her and she will likely not "jump all over you" at that point when you make suggestions/constructive criticisms, etc.

I helped a good friend lose 30 pounds a couple of years ago but she wanted to do it and approached me for help first.
 
It makes me sad reading stories like this one. First of all, in my opinion, I just think everyone should exercise no matter what there size is, but when you are obese, it's even more important. She might not have any signs of health issues now, but she will down the road. It's really hard to get someone started without a medical problem. It's a touchy subject. Is there anyway that you could start by just going for walks together or hiking....something fun so it doesn't seem like "work". It could be a nice time for you to chat/catch up. And then maybe gradually take longer walks. You could also talk about healthy topics, but be discreet about it. Talk about healthy snacks and what you had for breakfast and how yummy it was, etc...

How about signing up for a boot camp together? Maybe grab a bunch of friends and make it seem more like a girls day out or something.

I can't even get my own friends to workout and they aren't overweight and some of them used to be athletic...so it's not an easy thing to do. Good luck. If I can think of anything else, I'll post!!
 
I agree with Wendy on this. As much as you love your friend & only want what's best for her, it's her body & this has to come from her. It's like any other addiction - she has to hit bottom.
 
You can't. That's something she needs to do herself. Just like an alcoholic - they face it and change when THEY'RE ready, not when you are. One of my best friends is a recovering alcoholic and I watched her self-destructing, but I kept out of it. I joked about it with her, I drank with her, I apologized to people if she offended them... and I called the cops on her when she was out of control and threatening to kill herself. That was her rock-bottom. Don't think she knows I was the one who called the cops, and when I came to visit her in the psych ward where they took her - I told her I would go to AA meetings with her for as long as she needed me. She's coming up on 2 years sober.

Just love her and keep your judgements to yourself. If she wants your help, she'll reach out.
 
Thanks. ladies for the words of wisdom. I feel the same way that it IS a problem that SHE must want to fix, it just breaks my heart to see her not taking care of herself. :(

My son and I just re-joined the Y and I'm sure the time will come again when she is p'd off with me because I want to go workout instead of hang out, sit and not do anything athletic.

I did offer to walk with her, but she always has an excuse. Just gonna keep praying and hoping she snaps out of it. We've been friends for over five years and I care for her like a sister.

Thanks again!
Pam
 
Sometimes it's not a matter of the person wanting to get more fit, or healthier it's that they are overwhelmed by the prospect or unaware of how things could be different, uninformed.

Maybe a subscription to a magazine, one of my favorites is Everyday Food, it's always seems to have really good seasonal recipes with all the info on how to make them & what to get. Prevention Magazine also comes in the digest size, I bought that for a friend (and relative) as a Christmas present, I could never tell them all the little things I've learned about exercise, health, nutrition, over years, and there's always new stories in that. I have a subscription too, so it makes for conversation, pick one you like.

It's one way to open the door, and leave it open so that if questions come, you can steer her in the right direction, this way she can decide if, when, and what she'd like to try. Just a thought, you can be happy just being a friend, nothing more, discovery is part of the process. :)
 
Pam- its not your job to save her. She will save herself when she is ready. You can't do this for her. She is defensive because at some level this behavior is working for her. Attacking her for choosing something that clearly is what she believes she needs won't work. The more you rag on her about this the worse her problem will be. Instead, be supportive. Be kind. Don't rub her face in it. She already knows that she has a problem. I have been that girl. As a matter of fact, I have been a hell of a lot bigger. And, guess what the more you stress her out the heavier she will become. Do you know why? Because the top of the health pyramid starts with stress and all the hormones that stress pumps into her body. Until she is ready to deal with the issues that will (not might) come up with her weight loss, its not fair to judge her or decide for her that she must lose weight. Its her body. Its her decision. She is heavy, she is not stupid, she knows exactly what she is doing.

This is what you do: Be kind. If she asks you for help, then start small. I started with a couple of great motivational podcasts that really helped dig me out of the hole of despair. 1. The Reasonable Diet with Sandra Ahten 2. IOWL: Inside Out Weight Loss. Both of these made all the difference. I was able to break with all or nothing thinking, I was able to accept that I am beautiful and that I don't have to be on a weird diet to lose weight. I was able to learn how to change my own behavior without hating myself and by embracing what is.

I know that is really hard to hear. Its not fun to sit by while someone else is going down a painful path. We want to save our friends. They matter to us. My Dad was the one who tried to help me. But, he couldn't understand that eating under my calorie load was what got me so fat to begin with. Food additives are addicting, they are added to boost sales of substandard food.

If (and hopefully when) she comes looking for help, tell her to just switch one meal a week over to a whole food. It doesn't have to be super fancy. But, without those weird additives actively inducing insulin resistance/making her fat, her body will start to feel a whole lot better which will make it possible for her to even approach the physical pain and suffering that goes with weight loss. Switching too much all at once will back fire. And, weight watchers is humiliating!

Btw, I do still deal with horrendous flash backs when I'm in weight loss mode, its the poison that comes out of the fat cells. Even though I have already dealt with the old baggage, those are the movies that play back in my head. Gah, I really hate that part. But, I hated being too fat to drive a car more. I hated not being able to run more. I hated feeling tired more.

I don't mean to be unhelpful. I do see that you care for your friend. Hugs! (still chubby girl hugs, but 80 pounds lighter than I was and I can run a sub 10 min. mile now:D)
 
It's difficult to be friends with someone when we are afraid they are going to ticked off at us at any time. :( It sounds like she has a deeper issue than just her weight, which is probably a symptom of a deeper problem. Friends generally should be able to talk about things and work things out. It might be time to just back off the friendship a bit until she's ready to come to you...not abandoning her...but just saying, "ok...have it your way. I love you, but I can't enable you." (not that you are enabling, but that you can't tell her that everything is ok with what's going on with her and between the two of you)
 
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tralaiven said:
It's difficult to be friends with someone when we are afraid they are going to ticked off at us at any time. :( It sounds like she has a deeper issue than just her weight, which is probably a symptom of a deeper problem. Friends generally should be able to talk about things and work things out. It might be time to just back off the friendship a bit until she's ready to come to you...not abandoning her...but just saying, "ok...have it your way. I love you, but I can't enable you." (not that you are enabling, but that you can't tell her that everything is ok with what's going on with her and between the two of you)
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Hi Tracy & RapidBreath- thanks for the feedback. Sadly, I have been backing off hanging out with her, she's just too negative & unhealthy. Believe me RapidBreath, I NEVER harp on her and never would and rarely talk about weight issues... God help me if I did! :eek: ITA that there are def some underlying issues. She didn't even congratulate me when I was a Success Story Spotlight on this site. No biggie to me, I guess I had hoped that would be inspiring to her.

My focus lately has been finding new & healthy friends who are fit-minded. I won't ever fall back into those unhealthy patterns.

Thanks again, gals!
Pam
 
I do see that you care for your friend. Hugs! (still chubby girl hugs, but 80 pounds lighter than I was and I can run a sub 10 min. mile now)

Holy Cow, RapidBreath--- I don't think I could run a sub-10min/mile even if I were being chased by a mad-man with a gun!! :eek: Great job!! My best time was about 13.30 during the one and only 1/2 marathon I ran back in my 30's! I'm blown a way! I blame it being built like a Dauchstund! :p

Pam
 
Pam- Awww!! that does stink doesn't it. I lost a friendship when I went through the weight loss. :( its so hard finding people who are ready to commit to this whole healthy thing.
 
I agree w/ the other girls, Pam. It doesn't sound like she's ready to lose weight. BUT, if and when she starts to show a little interest in getting healthy, I would highly recommend getting Tosca Reno's Recharged book for her. It's very motivational and may be the extra push she needs to make changes in her life. For now, just continue to be a supportive friend and keep setting good examples. She will sooner or later have an event in her life, most likely health related, that will get her to the point of being ready to exercise and stop eating the junk.
 
As a person who has struggled with obesity for a good portion of her life, I can confidently say that little of your friend's struggle is about food. Yes, it is about the amount and type of food, but it is all triggered by psychological stresses and triggers. All you need to do is look at how many people who have had weight loss surgery have regained their weight. They are physically incapable of eating large amounts, but they still manage to get around it. I think it's because they are not fixing what is truly wrong, which is the emotional/mindset part.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do to help your friend with this part of her journey. I agree with the previous posters; she must start this on her own. Your compassion will help when she is ready.

Even if this day arrives, there may be many backslides. It may be heartbreaking, but your willingness to support her maybe needed in the near future, if not now. Don't give up on her, but don't push. I hope this may help just a little bit.
 
I took a class in my graduate program called Exercise Psychology that was pretty much focused on how to motivate people to exercise.

What I learned what pretty much in agreement with what everyone else posted - she just isn't ready.

However, the texts that we used on the subject suggested that at that stage, it is about exposure to information. So, if you see an opportunity to help her learn about the benefits of exercise, or easy ways to work it into her life (she's probably pretty aware of the consequences of obesity), more information might eventually increase her interest.

If you can support her without threatening your own lifestyle, that's awesome, but you will likely have to make peace with very slow or no progress.
 
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