Gosh I'm just so miserable

[Jasmin416]

Lately I have just been so miserable that I must cry like 4 days/week. I'm 36 and so stuck in a rut. I have been living with my parents since July and I'm basically stuck here because I have so much debt to pay off and I need to get it done before I'm 40 and that's about how long it will probably take. On top of that I can't find a decent guy to save my life. Its embarrassing everytime I even meet someone to have to say that I'm living at home. And, I have at least 15 pounds to lose to be where I want to be and I've been trying to no avail. The only way I will probably be able to do it is to stick to a 1200 calorie diet straight through the week. I would say that I'm doing 1500 all week with a little more on the weekends. I think I will be hungry all the time with 1200. I want to quit smoking too since I could really use the $200 a month I spend on them among other good reasons to quit. Can't seem to accomplish that right now either. Sorry, just venting since I don't have the money for a therapist right now...lol. Blech!

 

[dr.mel_PT]

Awww Jasmin, I want to give you a big digital ::HUG::!!!! This sounds so cliche, but things WILL get better! I had to move back home once my company dished out massive paycuts last year, and it looks like there is no intention of returning that pay, at least not any time soon. My extended family always takes jabs at my expense regarding this, which makes me feel like crap. The main thing you should try to do (it's hard), is somehow see a positive in it. Every time I got down about it, I reminded myself that I have loving parents who really are there for me through thick & thin and do anything in their power to help me. My bf got laid off last month and his parents would not let him back home unless he paid them exorbitant rent. They said he was old enough to take care of himself so if he had to crash on a friend's couch or live on the street then so be it. Thankfully, you and I don't have sh*! brick parents like that!!

As for the man, one will come around eventually. 1st off, you don't need to disclose your living arrangements up front and if he doesn't try to understand your situation and books without looking back, then SCREW HIM!! He ain't worth it and he will just cause you pain in the long-run. Good guys are hard to find but they are out there. The best advice I ever got when I was dating was you have to stop looking. The more you go out without any preconceived notions or plans in your head, the more relaxed you are and the more your personality shines through; the right guy will see that a mile away.

That being said, the most important thing is you have to be comfortable & proud of yourself before anything else. You are doing a very responsible thing by taking care of your debt now rather than let it spiral out of control, hoping you'll eventually fix it. You're taking action now which is extremely commendable because debt is SCARY. We are human, we fail at things at succeed at others. It sucks and motivation sometimes drags, but the thing about life is you can get up and keep trying and get over that hump!!

Start out with small goals (you're at a great start by managing your money), and then expand to bigger and better things. I know with me, I tend to think of things I need to get done in a cluster and I immediately get overwhelmed and down on myself for not reaching my goals ASAP. Things take time. When I tackle one goal at a time, I feel like I have more control over everything than when I think "Ok, I have to do this, this, that, this, and that..."

And we are always here for you if you need to vent!!!

 

[Jasmin416]

Thanks, that was a great reply. I feel better already. And OMG I really am lucky that my parents didn't put me out on the streets. I am definitely thankful for that.

 

[RapidBreath]

Jasmin! Buck up, girlfriend!

I hear you. I'm at home with the fam. I haven't met the right guy either. I quit the online dating thing (one too many personal photos sent to my email box, can you just say, yucky!) and the singles groups (I'm not over 50, it just isn't going to workout.) My business took a hit and the economy went out the window. Yeah, circumstances could be better, a lot better.

But, hey think of it this way, you only have 15 pounds to lose. Thats not a whole lot to worry about. I have 50 to go. If you are serious about losing the weight try IOWL podcast, its free and helps with dealing with emotional garbage that comes up when we are in weight loss mode. I am willing to bet that anybody who is tearful already shouldn't attempt weight loss without some tools to deal with their feelings. (that would be you)

At least you have a place to stay. There are lots of folks who are homeless due to storms and earthquakes. Also, my parents told me to say that they live with me and not the other way around. These days, its really common to be sharing space with family to make ends meet. Keep in mind that the idea of being on your own is not the norm around the world, in most places people live together not apart.

The smokes are probably the best place to start. Even if you don't quit completely, if you can cut back, that is money in your pocket towards your 'apt' fund.

For me my mood is connected to the following:
1. Avoid alcohol, its a depressant
2. Get enough vit. D
3. Get your cardio (I'm confident you do this already, you are a cathlete after all.) There have been studies that found cardio was more effective over a one year period than antidepressants.
4. Use a gratitude journal every night before bed. Write down 5 things you are grateful for.
5. Make a list of what you want to get done everyday but don't beat yourself up if its not all done perfectly.
6. Daydream what you want in your life. This shifts you into a better mood.

I hope that helps, good luck with getting out on your own and finding a guy, when you do, let me know how you did it!

 

[maddiesmum]

You have quite a few things you want/need to work on. However, please don't try and take them all on at once! The road to improving ourselves is a life-long project and is best accomplished one step at a time for best success.

First up, get out of debt. Financial woes are one of the largest sources of anxiety in the whole world. if you need to live at home for a while to ensure this goal, so what? It's between you and your parents and is nobody else's business. In about another year's time, I will know if my husband's application for a green card has been successful or not. If not, we may end up returning to the UK and my parents already know, that if this has to happen, we will all be living with them for a while while we get jobs and get re-settled. Again: so what? If you have loving parents prepared to help you in this way, then you need to count your blessings because you have an ace in the hole! Not everyone has such a loving family whom they can count on as a bedrock when times get tough.

Get yourself some professional help and outline steps you will go through to put an end to your debt. You need clear goals on a monthly/yearly basis. Plan it out in such a way that enables you to keep on living, but not in luxury, and then make it happen. Get yourself a budget now.

Take steps to give up smoking now. Not only will you save $200 each month and you will be able to put this money towards paying off your debts, but you are improving your health with each day that you don't smoke. Get professional help for this also. Join a support group and become accountable to someone. Write a list now of all the things you will do instead whenever the urge to smoke comes upon you, but NOT EATING CRAP! Take up knitting/sewing/quilting so your hands are occupied and you cannot smoke. Avoid those people around whom you always smoke and who always smoke. Curtail social situations that lead to smoking for a while, until you feel more secure.

This is a good time to start making additional steps on the road to greater health, but don't overload yourself. This is not the time to add more stress to your life by throwing yourself into an enormously ambitious fitness project. Instead, just make one or two adjustments/promises to yourself and make those happen. Make them easy things. For example, pledge to yourself that you will walk outside 4 times per week. This can be a great thing to do to take yourself away from the urge to smoke also. Fill your lungs with air, not carcinogens. If you can get into a support group for giving up smoking and some of those people want to form a sub-group to walk with you, all the better! Again, if you can make yourself accountable to someone else --a walking buddy-- you are more likely to keep at it. No-one wants to let a buddy down!

Remember also, you are not the only one who thinks her life is shit right now. My marriage is dying, my husband is a workaholic who never spends any time with me at all, there's nothing I can say about my sex life, I am so lonely, I haven't had a job for 5 years and it has taken a toll on my self esteem and sense of identity (although I think I will be returning to teaching this fall, and I cannot wait), we have no money and are constantly scrimping to get through each month, I have no social life, I have had a hip injury since January that stops me from doing much except walk, my eldest daughter has a personality disorder and psychiatric problems and refuses treatment so it can be like having a teenage terrorist in the house and the police have been called in by my friendly neighbours several times now, I am still renting and do not own a house and I'm 45 years old, I need to start saving big money right now to put 2 daughters through college and I have to persuade myself to get through each day. Really. I want to leave but I can't go anywhere until my youngest daughter is safely off to college. So, I have to make the most of every day. There are little happinesses out there and I mean to enjoy some of them, each day, even if all it is is doing a workout in the park while my daughter has her soccer practice. That is better than nothing. Today I actually ate loads of vegetables too. Again, it's better than nothing and makes today a check mark in the positive category.

You are sad that you do not have a relationship. I am here to tell you that you can be even more lonely in a dying marriage than on your own. Truly. You are, at least, free to act on any attractions that come your way. I am not supposed to! I also agree with a poster who said to you, the trick is to stop searching for love. Instead, work on yourself, solve some of these problems and as you start feeling better, more hopeful, healthier and more confident, it is highly likely that love will come and find you!

You are not the poorest, unhealthiest or loneliest person on the planet. You have things to work on and they are within the scope of your possibility. Get started now and we are here to encourage you. You are not alone. We are all working on improving our own lives all the time. No-one's life is perfect. Your life just needs your attention.

All the best,

Clare

 

[Janis]

Remember also, you are not the only one who thinks her life is shit right now. My marriage is dying, my husband is a workaholic who never spends any time with me at all, there's nothing I can say about my sex life, I am so lonely, I haven't had a job for 5 years and it has taken a toll on my self esteem and sense of identity (although I think I will be returning to teaching this fall, and I cannot wait), we have no money and are constantly scrimping to get through each month, I have no social life.

You are not alone. We are all working on improving our own lives all the time. No-one's life is perfect. Your life just needs your attention.

All the best,

Clare

Clare,

What an amazing and heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I am truly sorry it has been a rough stretch.

If it helps, at all, I think the world of you. I sincerely hope the teaching job comes through. In the meantime, I hope you will keep writing, you are one of the gifted ones.

 

[jonahnah]

(((((((((Jasmin))))))) & ((((((((Clare)))))))). Sending lots of hugs to both of you for what you're going thru now & hoping you'll both find that things get easier soon.

 

[Miss Lee]

Jasmin and Clare, I am so sorry for everything you're going through. Please know that you have my heartfelt prayers and best wishes for healing and an upturn in your circumstances.

Clare, you have amazing insights and a fantastic attitude that will serve you well. And your willingness to share will be a big help and a comfort to others in need.

 

[janie1234]

No-one's life is perfect. Your life just needs your attention.

Amen sister! I know it is hard but when life gets me down I just try to think of what I am greatful to have, . .like parents who are alive and willing to help and a roof over my head. Small steps, . . everyone here has given you wonderful and supportive advice already. All I'd like to add is that change is hard, . . try not to go from zero to sixty, . .baby steps. A little change can make all the difference in the world. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[maddiesmum]

thank you kind ladies

Janis, Joan, and Miss Lee:

a very big thanks to all you special ladies for your fabulous posts. Your words have touched me deeply and I sit here with a lump n my throat and tears in my eyes.

It has been a very rough year. My mother keeps telling me that I am a very strong person and that I can handle it. She's right, I can. It does help, though, to know that I have the love of my family back home in the UK as a bedrock to fall back on, and also that there are people out there, such as yourselves, who see something in me that is valuable. We all need to surround ourselves with people who help reinforce a positive self image for ourselves. We also all need to know that we have good things to offer. Thank you for telling me that I do indeed have good things to offer.

Thanks for the cyber hugs Joan. I sure can use them!

You have all made my day! (sorry to high jack original post...)

Clare

 

[alyzu]

Jasmin, it sounds as though you're going through a pretty serious depression. Having been there myself (for a LOOOOONG time, lol!) I can tell you that it WILL get better, but you may need to do some self-care. Have you thought about counseling? There are many places that give counseling for free or on a sliding scale. It can be VERY helpful to have a compassionate ear, especially if it's attached to someone who doesn't know the other people in your life and can be a bit more objective.
The most important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself.
Sending you AND Clare MANY MANY HUGS!!!!!!!

 

[syzygy314]

Hugs, prayers and healing thoughts to you both - Jasmin and Clare!

You are both very strong women and can survive this and grow stronger and more confident in yourselves from this experience. It is difficult, but, as you said Clare, one step at a time!

Thinking about everything all at once is overwhelming and only works to increase your anxiety and make you feel worse! Baby steps will get you there, maybe a bit slowly, but you can still measure your progress and seeing that progress will make you feel better!

Jasmin - You'll find that focusing on one issue, say the one that's the biggest or most important to take care of first will aid in making progress in your other areas that you're working on. Before you know it, you'll be making great strides towards accomplishing your goals!