First post here

Cruncholi

Cruncholi

Cathlete
Hi everyone. I have never posted on the Fit Moms Pregnancy and Postpartum forum before, so this is a little different for me. I am looking for some feedback on my situation from others similarly situated.

My husband and I have been thinking and talking about whether or not we would like to start a family and when. I am an attorney and I work a lot of hours, some weekends, evenings, and am always "on call." We are very dependent on my income, although my husband makes a good salary, it's not enough to carry our current debt load. I do not feel that I could have a child and continue to work for a few reasons. 1) the work schedule is not conducive to caring for a baby, 2) I would want to be home with my baby and not at work, 3) I would be too tired all the time if I worked and we had a baby, 4) I'm not sure we could afford the additional responsibility without my income.

I do not know how to weigh all of these factors into the decision. Please help.

Oh, and I am 29 years old.

Thank you!
 
You are the only person who can answer what the right time is, but I wanted to share something I read years ago in one of my husbands medical journals. My DH is a physician and there was an editorial written in a journal about the topic of when to start a family (written by a female Dr. aimed at female Drs.) the main point was she was talking about how she got married at 22- right out of college. The 20s were no good because she was in medical school/residency. The 30's were no good because she was building up her practice, all of a sudden she fould herself in her early 40s and desperate to have a baby and having trouble concieving. Her main point was, if we all waited until the "perfect" time, no one would have kids (she is speaking to other female Drs) because there is no "perfect" time to take a break in a career you trained so hard for and that you are so stressed and could not imagine more responsibility. She looked around at her female collegue who managed to have kids younger.

Often there is no perfect time. You need to look at YOUR situation and decide what is right for you. I am a huge believer in also following your heart on this one. But that being said its important to be able to support the child and pay your bills also.
 
I abdolutely agree with AmyNicole - there is no perfect time to have a baby. When DH and I got married we had exactly $129 in our savings account, a mortgage, a car payment and a student loan. We worked our butts off and within a year paid off the car payment and student loan and tried to build up a savings account.

The savings account never really got that big but we decided to have a baby anyway. You would be surprised at what corners you can cut when you have a baby to think about. I don't work, we have two reliable vehicles and a house and baby number three is on the way.

Only you can decide whether you are ready to take the plunge or not. I'm not trying to encourage you to do something you aren't ready for, just letting you know that if you really want a baby, no time is a good time, you just have to do it and be responsible about it. BTW, I'm 29 too :).

Another hint - garage sales are where it's at - you can get almost brand new stuff for a fraction of the price, LOL.
 
I also agree with the previous posts. Do no wait for the perfect time because it probably will never come. I had my son a week before I turned 30. I am 34 now and hope to have another baby...SOON! So, in regard to age, you still have time. With us, the decision to have a baby came lightening quick. We had not even really discussed it and then one day I said I'm ready. Having a baby means making sacrifices so you may have to learn to live with less to make it without your salary. Maybe it would be possible for a part time job for you. If you really want children, you will find a way to adjust everything so that it is possible to pay bills. Your main consideration should be whether you really want to become parents and take on the responsibility of having a baby. It will change your life...for the better!!!!
 
I'm probably in a similar situation as you are. I'm a laboratory physician, and the main income earner in our family. For me, not working was never an option: first I trained VERY long before my career finally started (at age 27) and second we would have even had trouble finding money for basic necessities from my SOs salary alone (he was making 25K$ a year back then, in canadian funds mind you). We were still paying student loans, were renting an apartment when I got pregnant at age 30. I had everything planned out: I was going to save up by working until the end of my pregnancy. But, life threw me a surprise: I was put on bedrest from week 18 to week 34. We had to live on SOs income for a few months. It was tough, but we survived (having to take on a loan though). I went back to work full time 3 weeks after delivery. SO lost his job 2 days before delivery, so for financial reasons, I decided not to breasfeed and go back to work. That was even tougher, but I survived.

Although I have a demanding job, I have made adaptations in my career so to be able to fulfill my family responsibilities. If you really want a family, you will (and can, even if it seems impossible right now) make necessary adaptations to your career also. Just for the record, I am "on call" also, but make a point of not working on weeknights and weekends except when I am on call.
 
Hey there! There's so many educated (do I dare say over-achievers?) on this forum! I am also 29 years old. I graduated last year with my doctor of pharmacy degree after 9 1/2 years of college. We do have a 9 year old, and the plan was to get through school & then we can start to expand our family.

I am the sole provider for the family. I was lucky enough to build my own contract at the pharmacy I work, which includes a 8 week PAID maternity leave. Yeah! But I have to tell you, with $140K of student loans, a mortgage, car payment, and medical insurance/bills... I often wonder how we're going to pay for our new baby. Then I remember that 9 years ago we did it on $24K/year salary!

I am also a Christain, and I know that God will provide all our needs. I am hoping to be able to have 2 children right away, I can definitely hear my biological clock ticking (I'll be 30 this month), so I am sure you are too!

Being a mother is one of my favorite roles (after being a wife). I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Good luck to you and in all your endeavors.


Melanie
Due 1/25/04

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"
 
Boy Linda...this is a big question and only you can decide (many good answers up there). All I can tell you is our experience. My husband and I both have our college degrees from Wheaton College and we had corporate jobs, but wanted a family and a great place to raise them. We took the radical approach and left Chicago and the corporate kingdom and bought a home on 44 acres in the country in WI (went debt free, but no savings I might add) and I have to say it's the greatest place to raise our children and we've never regreted it.

We are Christians too and have trusted the Lord to provide for our needs and I could write a book on how He has always been faithful to provide for our family. It has been worth every penny we gave up from corporate life, we are enjoying life prior to retirement. I'm going to be really transparent here....we have made $12,000 per year for the last three years for a family of 7 with one on the way and I still feel like were living like kings, we have never really been in need of anything (except we're having a terrible time coming up with money to pay our taxes this year....seems like everyone in the county knows we paid cash for our home and thinks were rich and the tax accessor has had NO sympathy on us - the Lord can take care of this too!!).

I'm sharing this to encourage you that there are options out there...you just need to carefully access them and do what suits you, not what other's expect you to do. We were thoroughly grilled years ago by family and friends who told us we were throwing our careers away.....now we're glad we did and can't imagine going back. Just giving you something to think about.

Briee
 
Hi Briee,
Just wanted to say that we visited your beautiful state of WI back in April. (We went to Wisconsin Dells to the Kalihari Indoor Waterpark). From Georgia it was a 16 hour drive (can't remember exactly) but boy was it worth it! Wisconsin was beautiful and it was so weird to be on a waterslide yet you could see snow on the ground outside.
44 acres sounds like a dream come true!
Take care.
Lisa
 
Thank you to everyone who has responded. You all have given me a lot of things to think about and consider.

Amynicole: the excerpt you posted is exactly what I have been hearing from my women colleagues. It is difficult to break that mind set that I have worked so hard for my career and then to expect there to be a right time to start a family. I definitely don't want to be 45 and wishing I had thought about this sooner.

tmrclvlnd: You are definitely right on about cutting some fat out of our lifestyle. We could do an awful lot of that. DH loves vehicles (anything with a motor). We have 8 vehicles (not all on the road at this time). We've also dumped money into our house like there's no tomorrow, partly because it has needed work, but partly because it was not the way we wanted it. I don't believe I've ever even been to a garage sale.

Steppinup: I agree that the main decision we need to make is whether we really want to become parents and the rest should fall into place. We have very supportive families, but we live about 2 hours from them. One consideration is whether we would move closer to them if we do start a family.

Janick: It does sound as if we are in a similar situation. My husband is not opposed to staying home with a baby should we decide to have one so that I could continue to work. But, I think I would want to be home with the baby to be with him/her and breastfeed.

Melanie: I hear you on the student loans! Those pesky things. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Briee: Your post struck especially close to my heart. I am always struggling with not simply doing what others expect me/us to do. Honestly, I would leave the practice of law in a heartbeat if it weren't for those student loans I must pay off. I now realize that it is not really my destiny or calling so to speak, but at the time I started law school, it seemed like a pretty good thing to do and my family was proud of me for it. Now, I think my ideal job would be to become a chef or a personal cook for families looking to eat better, healthier, and more balanced meals but without the knowledge, time, or skills to do so. That job would not pay our current debt load. So much to think about.

Thanks to everyone!
 
I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents worth as well. I was in a similair position at 29. I worked for a large Accounting firm as a manager and I am the main wage earner in our family. My DH and I had been married for 10 years and having a baby was always questionable for us. Finally, I just decided that I really wanted to have a child. My employer was not very understanding and insisted that in order to keep my manager job I would have to work a minimum of 50 hours a week.

That just was not going to work so I left and got a job in the tax department of a utility company. It has been great. I only work 40 hours a week and I have a flexible schedule. Plus, I make more money. I don't know if I would have left my old job if it weren't for the baby. Now I'm so glad I did. Everything works out for the best. We are very fortunate that both my husband and I have flexible schedules. He takes the kids (2 now and 1 on the way) to daycare and goes in around 9 or 9:30. I go in early, leave early and pick them up between 3:30 and 4. That way they are not at daycare for a huge 10 hour day. I don't see as much of my hubby as I would like but this has worked really well for us and the kids.

If you can't negotiate a compromise with your current employer start looking for a new one. Many companies are much more family friendly now and offer part-time and flex-time options. Many even allow for you to work from home.

One more suggestion, sometimes it helps to just focus on the issue for awhile without other distractions. When my hubby and I have a difficult problem to solve we go somewhere quiet and serene like the mountains or a lake and take a couple of hours to just focus and talk about the issue. Then we pray and try to look in our hearts to find the right answer. I know it sounds a little corny but we always come back with a solution that we both feel very good about. Good luck with your decision.
 
Good luck!

Hey Cruncholi! A couple of thoughts I'd like to share...(wow - this is such a big decision)

I just had my first baby in 9/03 and at the time I had a viciously mean boss, so I knew I would not be returning to this job. My husband was in grad. school and finished 5/03 but was not employed until 1 1/2 months after I had our baby. Much drama was involved and I decided to get certified as a personal trainer (already being certified to teach group fitness classes) and work 10-20 hours a week (it's been more like 10-14;)!) Anyhoo, my husband makes o.k. money and we both have student loans - but not like law school loans. We also have a fair amount of cc debt to work on. The financial pinch is FRUSTRATING - and then I see my daughter smile at me, roll over for the first time, start to crawl, pull herself up, feed herself tofu; we go to the park and swing, swing, swing; she goes on jogs with me (in her jogging stroller); I could go on.

My financial advisor (who is aware of my debt) said to me when I said we wanted to wait for baby #2 because of our debt, "Don't use money as a reason not to have a child - there'll always be something that comes up".

Nothing really profound here - just some thoughts.

Lastly, Oprah did a show a few months back about people who pursued education in careers and other hi-loan degrees such as your and then swithched gears after a couple of years. Specifically, there was an attorney who became a pastry chef (more expensive schooling!!!) and how his family thought he was nuts but he spoke of how happy he was. I bet if you e-mailed the Oprah site you could find a way to get a copy of that episode.

Best of luck on your endeavors! My best friend is in law school now. All I can say is, "whew!"

Momma jeni aka Tammyspq
 
Linda;
I have read lots of your posts and always enjoy them.

Good for you for giving this baby thing serious thought. A lot of people don't. One thing I feel compelled to say is that not every one should have kids. More people than you think have kids b/c they think that is what they are supposed to do. Kind of like law school..? But based on your post, it sounds like you do want kids, you just feel a little spooked about quitting b/c of the financial considerations. We've all been there.

I am 36. I quit an engineering job at age 31 to care for the first of 3 kids. We went on half of our former household income. Parttime isn't feasible for my line of work. I don't have a lot of debt, but live in So. CA where the average price of a home is ...don't get me started. And we were renting.

It is 5 years later and we have two running cars, a house we like, old furniture and enough to eat. We are paying down some debt, putting some in retirement, and enjoying our 3 boys. Most of our vacations are cheap ones to visit family. We are enjoying life.

If I hadn't had kids and continued to work, we'd be living in a nicer bigger house, newer furniture, driving nicer cars, eating nicer food in resteraunts more often, with a bigger retirement nest egg and I wouldn't be scrubbing my own toilets. We'd be going on ski vacations.

I still think I made the right choice. But honestly, an individual has to weigh what they want to give up and realize that they may not want to give certain things up. And go from there.

If it helps, you aren't alone. There are lots of educated women out there in the same boat as you. I know the loans make it tough. I am sure it has a low rate though, and eventually, you will pay it off.

Sit down and do a budget. Get real about what you AND AND AND your DH are willing to give up. I'll bet a lot of your income is going to taxes and other work related expenses. Ours was. But not all. The missing pieces ...well the old bank account just seems to rise to the occasion. Things we NEED get provided for. Things we want badly, most of the time do too. Things we simply want...don't always happen.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is, DO WHAT YOU'D BE MOST PROUD OF IN 10 YEARS. Whatever that is.

I sincerely hope this helps you. This is alllll what makes life exciting!

Jen
 
Hi! Me again.

Debbie: I really like the idea of getting away with DH somewhere serene to focus on this issue--I had not thought of that before. Also, I am actually fortunate in the employer department in a sense because my law firm is very supportive of women attorneys who work part-time permanently and go "of counsel" to have children and raise a family. We must have at least 4 or 5 of them now. So, it is an option, but of course the salary would be reduced.

Tammyspq: I agree that if what we decide is to have children or a child, the money aspect will probably work itself out. Cheers to the guy on Oprah!

Jen: That's good advice to do what I will be most proud of in 10 years. I will definitely be giving that some thought. My DH is also an engineer. I have been trying to get DH to agree to and stick to a budget. I think out of the two of us, he is the more needy when it comes to spending money on unnecessaries/luxuries/toys. We would really need to work on that hard to make a go of a family.

Thanks again!
 
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