Any advice Re: preteens?

[JennieR]

You should ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE ANY GUILT ABOUT READING HER DIARY!!
Kids aren't always honest and they NEVER know whats best for them at that age.
If it's the only way you can find out what's going on with her- -READ it, OPEN it, LOOK for it, ASK it, CALL it out-- whatever you have to do to make sure you're daughter is not getting into more than she -- or YOU can handle.

I listen to a local radio personality here in town, and he says the exact thing you just said. Your kids might "hate" you at the time, but when they get older, they'll thank you for it. If I had kids, as hard as it would be, I'd take his advice.

 

[lauramangano]

My girlfriend had a saying that said, in effect, if your teenager doesn't go up to her room screaming "I hate you" at least once a day, you're not doing your job as a mother correctly. But seriously, as a mother of a 14 and a 12 yo, I would in this situation figure out some guidelines ahead of time (like amount of time spent with friends, amount of calls, texts, ims, etc.) and explain them calmly making sure she understands these rules. Don't forbid anything, just let her know what is allowed. Any infractions, and these allowances can be diminished, all the way down to nothing if she keeps up any bad behavior, good behavior and building of trust can be rewarded with more priviledges. Remember YOU are in charge, and I agree with the poster who said DO NOT feel bad about reading her book, I would have done it in a heartbeat!

I don't have all the answers either, but personally, I would, after catching her in lies already, start these allowances low, and have her show you that she can be trusted. Also, TALK TO THE OTHER PARENTS of the friends that she is hanging out with and confirm all plans with them. I've been burned on that one, where they say they are staying at one friends' house, and the other friend says the same thing, so the result is that they are free for the night. Good luck with everything.

 

[gidget1978]

Thanks again everyone for your great replys.
I was just talking to DH about the whole situation. He was at work all day and then I left for work at 6:30. He called me and I told him the whole story and then told him to read the book. Lets just say that he is less then impressed and he also beleives that what she has written is true. I think she just needed some time to come up with an excuse and thats why an hour later she calls back to tell me that she wanted me to find it and that she was just jealous of her brother. He as been around for 19 m now, don't play that card...its a little to late.
Im not sure what her punishment will be. Im sure a grounding will be in effect but Im not sure what other guidelines we will be setting. I just wish she would tell the truth! Neither one of us lie, we hate liars...and our DD is becomming one! She can lie straight to my face and not bat an eyelash! Ugh!

Thanks again, I have enjoyed reading each and every post!
Lori

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Ever watch old episodes of Roseanne? She had to go to extreem measures sometimes to stay a step ahead of her daughters.

The whole time I read the original post and wrote what I wrote I was thinking of ROSEANNE also. The episode where she found Becky's diary (but never read it) and they had a big knock down, drag out resulting in the kid's bedroom door being removed and a big discussion about trust. I wouldn't have trusted that brat in a million years, myself. Then the birth control episode where Roseanne's sister Jackie tried to convince Roseanne that Becky needed (and wanted) contraception but Roseanne just couldn't deal with it? She kept saying "I can't do it, I can't do it, no, no" then the scream of Crystal's baby in the next room was heard and there was a pause and she says "I can do this... yea, I can do this." Now that was reality tv.

 

[fit44]

I just wish she would tell the truth! Neither one of us lie, we hate liars...and our DD is becomming one! She can lie straight to my face and not bat an eyelash! Ugh!

Have you ever seen Bill Cosby's Himself? You need to rent it for a good laugh. He talks about how children begin to lie at 3 years old. It's hilarious.
Here's a clip about "brain damaged people(children)).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ysFvUizRj8

Anyway, I thought you could use a good laugh.
My boys could always lie their way out of a situation with me. I would not only believe them, but actually feel sorry for them!
My husband would interrogate for 2 minutes and then they would spill the truth. Leaving me with my mouth hanging wide open in disbelief. I can't tell you how many conversations we have had with our children about honesty, trust, and what it means to break that trust. It eventually sinks in and the grow into respectable adults.
Your daughter is no different than anyone else's child!

This will all pass and I just know you will do what's best to protect your daughter

 

[GreenEyedLefty]

I don't think a child should be punished for having thoughts and writing about them. You don't know for sure that what she wrote about actually happened. Rather than punish her, let it serve as a wakeup call that she's at least entertaining thoughts about making out with a boy. And even if she has... it's just not a punishable offense, in my book.

 

[star_dust]

I remember when I was 16 my mom found some letters I had written to a friend of mine overseas. I mostly was bragging about this bf I had and how far we had gone. Well, she flipped out - understandably. I told her I had made up stories in the letters (which was true) and I also recorded these stories in my diary. I just did it to feel better about myself at a time when my self-esteem was low. I think that it's common for preteen/teen girls to suffer from a lack of confidence around boys and feel ugly even when we aren't.

I don't think I would punish her for having these thoughts or feelings. I agree with Greeneyedlefty with that. But, I would certainly have a long discussion about it and continue to talk about the issue regularly!