Want to help, but I don't know how

spyrosmom

spyrosmom

Cathlete
Gonna try to make a long story short.

One of my BILs - DH's youngest brother, has had troubles with drugs/alcohol/the law for the longest time. He spent some time in juevenile long before I was around. I belive he's 26 or 27 yrs old now. I know he's had at least one DUI - last year, and goodness knows what else, the family tries to keep it on the hush - hush. He is normally employed, but changes jobs often. Mostly warehouse or waitering/bartending. He's halfheartedly tried to sober up in the past, with no luck, I think a lot of it is the people he hangs out with. HE still lives at home w/ FIL. He posted on his facebook yesterday and sent out an email to fam/friends this morning that he will no longer be attending fam functions where alcohol is around and will not be hanging out with friends where alcohol is around bc he has to get it together. He is serious about his AA meetings and about what his conselours are telling him at an agency he goes to. I replied to the email stating we are here for him, and I know it isn't easy to make all these changes, and we support him and all that good stuff. I really want to help, but I don't know what to do????? Can I help?? Or is this something he really needs to go alone, and we are just there when he reaches out???? I have no experience in this personally or with anyone else. My battles have always been with food/weight, so I understand how hard it is to change, but I don't think its quite the same thing.

Nan
 
Your letter of support is what he needed! Believe me, he will read and re-read it. Just knowing that he has you and his brother behind him is enough, and yes, he does need to do this himself.

The only other 'way' to help him is to abide by his wishes. Have family functions and dinners sans alcohol.

Best wishes to him.
 
I consider myself pretty "back to basics". I would follow your heart, Gayle. Your reply was perfect. Additionally, I would ask him out right (in-person or telephone) if there is any help he needs and that you and dear family are there for him :) Good luck through such a difficult situation.
 
I think you have done what you could do. Just continue to be supportive and understand that he must walk this journey alone in many ways. Hugs!
 
He's lucky to have you on his side. :) I agree with everyone else ~ your initial message of support probably meant a great deal to him. Keep your door open to him, and go out of your way to have family functions without alcohol.

I don't have any experience with this, but as I read your post, I was thinking how hard this must be for someone who has a lot of friends who drink. If he can't be around alcohol, and his friends won't give up their lifestyle, then he ends up losing a lot of friends in order to get sober. That must be very difficult. Granted he will hopefully find new, sober friends, but still...the loss of old buddies sounds sad.
 
As painful as it is to see someone going through this - he has made a HUGE first step by admitting he has a problem. I think that alone says a lot about him. He will get a lot of love and encouragement in AA. All you can really do is just offer your support and respect his wishes.
 
I understand that if he is going to AA meetings, then he should have a sponsor. MY DH had one when he was in AA (prior to our meeting each other). A sponsor is someone he can call anytime to vent and get support.

But what you've done is awesome, you've already shown your support! Subtle reminders and frequent encouragement goes a long way, especially when it's face to face. I hope that he is successful and that he won't relapse.

BTW, I watch a show about alcohoic firefighters called Rescue Me on FX (with Dennis Leary). Although it's just a show (lots of drama mixed with some comedy), it does shed some light on this subject and I like watching it because it helps me better understand the addiction and its consequences.
 
I agree with the others - the encouragement you have already given is huge. Help him stay sober any way you can, and celebrate each day of sobriety. And encourage AA attendance also - he should find a home group and a sponsor as someone else said. And he really should have a some sort of formal substance abuse treatment (there are plenty of great outpatient programs around).

I am a probation officer for DUI offenders and other alcohol and drug offenses, PM me if you need anything!
 
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