I need your help..........

K

Krista03

Cathlete
I am in need of some advice in my personal life. You guys are like my internet friends. I have no real friend that I can share this with because I give that aura that I can handle this.But deep down I can't. Beware, this might get long. I have been in an on/off relationship with a guy for 5 years. It started out very sexual and during these years he has emotional hurt me and being the vindictive female I have hurt him in the past. The last year or so I am not getting an emotional fullfillment in this relationship. I have tried to talk with him about it like last night I was distraught with some of his comments. He wants me to invite one of my friends to come with us to an indoor waterpark so he can see her in a bikini. In bed I was discussing our relationship with him, about being in love and exposing all of oneself and not being afraid of being hurt. I can't do that with him. I always have my guard up, probally from the past hurt.(One time I needed some attention and he told me not to beg.) He tells me that being in a relationship should not take this much work,like it is suppose to just flow. He also tells me he doesn't like being around me when we fight all the time.....I asked him to tell me why he loved me.....He could not answer. I have asked him this question before and he could not tell me. He says"Why does he have to have a reason?" I want to be strong and go on with my life because I feel like a butterfly stuck in her cocoon. He tells me I must be insecure because I am working out.
Upon taking about our relationship, he falls asleep. This isn't the first and I am sure it won't be the last time. I need to get some help to walk away...I think... Or does anyone have a good book to read about this.....LOL.....

Thank you all
 
Krista - You don't sound very happy and life is too short to be stuck in a relationship where you're not being treated well. I think you need to convince yourself that you deserve better because you truly deserve someone who treats you w/respect (what is this crap about seeing your friend in a bikini? geeeeez). Somewhere there is a guy who will treat you right. In the meantime, treat YOURSELF right and move on. Just my two cents. Suzanne
 
Oh Krista,
You sound so very sad. I couldn't read your post and not respond. I certainly don't have any answers, maybe just a few suggestions. You said it yourself, so you know you want to walk away. He does not seem to be in love with you. That must hurt you, but maybe you're not really in love with him either. Could it be that you just hate to fail, or feel as though you've wasted 5 years? I was in one of those on again/off agains for almost 5 years too. Finally, it ended badly and I was devastated. Then I met my husband and realized what it was to truly be loved, and to be in a mature relationship. My husband would lay down his life for me. This guy does seem to take you for granted, and you know where the girlfriend in the bikini stuff is leading, don't you? My suggestion is to stop wasting more of your time and get on with your life! Make yourself more important in your own life than you make him. I bet he does.
Take care,
Dawn
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jan-13-03 AT 10:46PM (Est)[/font][p]I have to agree. It does sound like you're really not happy and just have been hurt too much. As well as he has been hurt too.

The sad thing is that by staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you emotionally (which is kind of important for us women), you won't be able to find someone who can fill that.

Relationships are always work ... they never flow. You have to work, but there is a time where too much has happened, too much pain, too much mistrust, too much loneliness.

Life is short, time to get out there and enjoy it. You deserve better and dog gone it ... it's time to get out there and find that special person who can bring out the best in you and not these feelings that you have been living with.

Just my humble opinion.

[link:thefitnessfusion.com/|http://thefitnessfusion.com/fitnessfusionforum/files/ffbanner2.gif]
 
Krista, you deserve better! There are many great guys out there that will love you and treat you right. Kick this guy to the curb. Cookiebaby
 
Krista, I was very saddened to read your post. You are not being treated well at all. Granted, I know you said that you have been mean to him in the past as well. It does not sound like a healthy, loving relationship at all. I would wholeheartedly agree with the others....time to just walk away. No need to explain yourself or anything like that. Just get out and move on with your life. You deserve it!!!!!

Hollie
 
Krista..
I have to agree with the other ladies. I don't know much about your personal relationship, but with what I do know now, I would say the best advice for you would be to lose him!! He is not the one for you. Don't waste any more of your time. If he cannot tell you even one reason why he loves you, you need to move on....
Good Luck!
Janice
http://www.picturetrail.com/thrashej
 
Hi Krista,

Here's the mother in me coming out:

No one that loves you will purposely hurt you, physically or emotionally. Having said that, in just the short blurb you gave us about your relationship, you've shown that he cares little for your feelings. The remark about seeing your friend in a bikini was meant only to hurt and in my opinion, belittle you and make you feel less than adequate (a form of control for abusers).
You don't sound happy, and if you continue in a relationship where you aren't shown basic respect, you'll only become use to living like this and accepting this sort of treatment.
I lived this life for 6 years (due to 2 small children) and it took me that long to get tired of the mental, physical and verbal abuse and get my kids somewhere safe.
If you are lucky enough not to have children involved, then you need to ask yourself the following questions:
-where is this relationship realistically going?

-why do I allow him to talk to me and say the hurtful things he says?

-am I the only one in this relationship? (meaning, are you the only one putting forth effort to keep the relationship going?)

-would I want my daughter with a man like this? (If the answer is no, then why are you with him?)

We have to allow others to treat us poorly, so don't allow it! Don't give him permission to treat you like crap! And that remark about your friend alone has me ready to "box his @#*&ing head off!" Verbal and emotional abuse are just as bad, if not worse than physical abuse because it begins to sink deeper and deeper with in us.
You're reaching out because somewhere deep in you you already know what you need to do!
Love yourself Krista! And if you truly put you first and love yourself, you'll know what to do! Life is too short to waste time on those that will not appreciate us!

lecture over! :) Sorry I ranted on, but as a survivor of abuse, my motto is run, don't walk to the nearest exit! I know how hard it is to leave a relationship, but I also now know what it is to be truly loved and appreciated by a man that knows how to love and respect a woman, and I only wish I had broken free of my abusive relationship earlier and found my husband earlier!

Donna

Fitness~It's a journey, not a race!
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jan-14-03 AT 08:57AM (Est)[/font][p]Hi Krista,

I am not very good at giving advice, so I am sending you some Trans Atlantic <<<<<CYBER-HUGS>>>>>> instead.

Wish I had a Harry Potter magic wand

Anna :)

PS: Look out for no .1.
 
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I printed this all out so I can refer back to it, which will give me the strength. You all are wonderful. Another soul is going to be saved..........
 
Hi Krista,

It sounds like deep down you know that you need to move on. I definately know this is easier said than done. I was in an off/on relationship for 5 years too. I found the familiarity to be the most dangerous thing. I would be independent for weeks or months, then we'd see each other and I was right back into the damaging relationship it was. I don't know if your relationship is phsically or verbally abusive, but you may want to call the battered woman's shelter or see a therapist so you can start taking control of your life instead of giving him the control. For me, it took a call to the battered woman's shelter and a comment from the counselor that got me throwing my things and my dog in the car and leaving him the first time. I hope everything works out for you. Life really is too short to be unhappy.

Beth
 
>He wants me to
>invite one of my friends
>to come with us to
>an indoor waterpark so he
>can see her in a
>bikini.
>He tells me that being
>in a relationship should not
>take this much work,like it
>is suppose to just flow.
>I asked him to tell
>me why he loved me.....He
>could not answer.
> He tells me I
>must be insecure because I
>am working out.

Not knowing the full history of your relationship. All I can say Krista is that these comments above alone are enough of a reason to lose him. You don't have to be with someone that so blatantly disrespects you. That last comment really irked me (ex flashbacks) as if to say you can't work out for the simple fact that you enjoy it. One doesn't have to be insecure about their body to work out. This is usually a key tactic that emtional abusers use to drive women to turn to food for comfort, and then use that fact to emotionally break you down even further by telling you he'll be the best that you'll ever get because "Who would want someone as big as you?" Well, believe me there is definitely a man out there for you. You said it yourself you know its time to leave him, now all you've got to do is take that first step out the door the faster the better.

-Jilliana
 
He sounds like quite the moron to me.It seems like he is trying to bring you down.It's all reminding me of my sister-in-laws ex husband.Notice I said "ex".Although he would never talk about other women, he cheated on her.She didn't know anything about it at the time until after they were divorced for a couple of years.Their relationship was in trouble for about a year before they got out of it.She would try to talk to him about their relationship and when she would look he would be asleep on the couch(this happened numerous times)
Finally,HE LEFT,for 8 days no one knew where he was.She sat in front of her living room window for 8 days straight wondering where he was and if he was o.k.They ended up getting divorced which was the best thing that could of happened to her.She is now found another,very much in love and having a baby as I write this.:-wow
While he, is still in this town , going from job to job,driving is dad's car and going no where.And wishing that he had never left her.
My point is that people like this bring you down.Weather you realize it now or later you will realize it.And probably the best thing that could happen to you is that he leaves you.Sometimes relationships get comfortable even though they aren't good ones and it can be tough thinking about being out in that world again looking.Or it can be fun :7
Just remember that you deserve better and you will find it.But you have to get out of one relationship to start another.
Good Luck,
Lori
 
Krista.

My heart goes out to you.

Please go to amazon.com, read the reviews, and then purchase a copy of Joyce Vedral's book "Get Rid of Him!".

xoxoxo
Ann
 
Thank you all for your support. With your help I can get on with my life. I am getting your book to read. I know with all your support and I can get thru this. Sometimes I think why is this so hard. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my husband died 7 yo ago from cancer. Loosing another man......but I have to look out for myself and my kids. God give me strength......
 
Krista: I've been there in on again/off agains. It is so hard not to get "sucked back into" it, especially when you are alone. I have had a boyfriend my entire life since i was old enough to date, until 5 years ago when i had my last "serious" relationship. after that I put up with emotional abuse from men (similar to the wanting to see your girlfriend in a bikini statement) and allowed men to degrade me because i thought it was better to be in a relationship and have someone to do things with than be alone. i was wrong! I was very recently burned by a man who i just adored, and knew for 7 years! At 38, I have never been married and am still alone.
Get a wonderful book by Barbara DeAngelis called "Are you the One for Me?" I've read it twice now, and it really makes you think. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT AND YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Let some other (unfortunate) female deal with his crude behaviour. It is hard to see right now, when things are still so "raw," but he is not the one for you (IMHO). You deserve better!
By the way, I am STILL alone, and my friends have said, and i finally believe them, that it is better to be alone than to be in the WRONG relationship.
good luck and keep us posted!
lynne
 
Would your husband would have wanted you to be treated this way? Do your children deserve a mother who isn't being abused by her boyfriend? Their father unfortunately isn't around anymore. It is up to you to set the example. Love yourself.
 
Big cyber hug to you girlfriend :) Coming from a gal who once was in a very abusive not meant to be relationship.... if it feels wrong then it is! Life is too short! Move on. Do not waste anymore time if this is not what you want.

I have had several friends who have been in a similar situation... broke up with the guy and fell madly in TRUE love with the RIGHT guy only months or weeks later! (I was one of them!)

Be strong. Love youself and put yourself as #1!

p.s. If you ever need someone to chat with feel free to e-mail me!

-LuvCardio http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport001.gif If Only I Can Be 1/2 the Woman my Dog Thinks I am!
 
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