Going through a tough time (long)

R

Rose11

Cathlete
My partner of almost 11 years just told me a couple of hours ago it's over because he has been seeing someone for a couple of months now and he wants to "close the door of our relationship and start new things". I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I didn't know he was seeing another woman behind my back. I can't believe I was so blind and stupid.

I feel this is my fault, I suffer from depression and I haven't been to the doctor in years. I've been going through a lot of stress lately and with all the things that are going on around me I'm getting worse. I've lost interest in a lot of things. The only thing I keep doing is eating right and exercising, but I don't sleep like I used to, I don't go out with friends like I used to, my sexual life is pretty much gone (this I feel was one of the things that my BF couldn't take anymore), etc. I thought when someone is in love with you they'd stay with you no matter what happens, but apparently he is not that kind of man. I remember when he was also battling depression that I was there for him. I had to go through a lot of things and suffer because of him and now why can't he do the same for me? He just runs and finds another woman! I can't believe this.

I don't know how am I going to wake up tomorrow. Even if our relationship was going to end, I never knew he could find someone so quickly, (and behind my back!) I swear when he told me I felt I was going to die. I had a panic attack when I heard what he said. This is the man I thought I was going to marry!

One of my friends had a baby boy a couple of days ago and today I saw her and the baby and I was thinking wow maybe that's going to be me in a couple of years. :( Who would've thought a couple of minutes after leaving her house I was going to get hit with this?! I am so shocked and I don't think I'm going to talk to any of my friends about this. I decided to post in the forums instead of calling any of my friends because I am so ashamed and I feel so guilty. I know I can always post here and there's always someone that has comforting words. I need help and I don't know what to do. I thought I should get treatment for my depression and I want to see specialist this month since I'm going to be on vacation in a couple of weeks I can focus on recovery and treatment. I was planning to do that, but now with this I feel like I'm back to square 1. Now I have another reason to be depressed, another thing to blame myself, and more added stress. This is so hard and unexpected. I feel so lost. Thank you for reading my post.
 
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I have never been through such a relationship issue but I have battled severe depression. Please, please do yourself a favor and making seeking help a priority. Everything else can wait. Take care of you & please keep us informed. You are in my thoughts.


"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"


Debbie
 
I'm so sorry Rose. I really feel for you. It sounds like you know what to do though. Think about getting yourself better. I know this may not make sense now, but maybe it's better off that you're without him. Afterall, you don't want to marry someone who will cheat on you.
This may be a turning point for you and if I were you I would try to think of it as an opportunity instead of a challenge.

I was also in a relationship long ago and I thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with that person. After years of problems(and cheating), we ended up splitting. I really felt like it was the end of the world for me. But a couple of years later, I met the best man in the world and we ended up getting married. Looking back, I'm so glad that relationship ended. I would have never found my DH.
It was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Just believe in yourself because you deserve to be happy!!

carolyn
 
I to am so sorry your going through this.One thing is for sure, you never know what life is going to thorw you.Sure, I am married to a great guy but I don't know what my future holds.He may lose interest in me as time goes by and I could be in the same situation that you are in.I certainly hope not but I am just saying that you never know.When you are in a relationship , we really put ourselves out there.
I don't think you should blame yourself.Of course you are going to look for reasons as to why this happened and you want to blame yourself but he could have talked to you if there were problems.In my eyes, this is his fault.He didn't have to start seeing someone when he was still in a relationship.
I also think it is important for you to get help.Even medication will help you.But it is going to be hard for you to move on if you don't get yourself together and treat yourself like you are #1 b/c you are.Put yourself first b/c no one else will.
You also need to talk to your friends.Friends are great people with great advice.Right now is not the time to be alone.You need company, if not it could get worse.
And you probably want more ansers right now and you may not get them.Most people don't b/c he probably doesn't know the answers himself and if he is jerk enough to cheat on you, then he is jerk enough to blame you.You gotta love it when people kick you when your down!
Best of luck and remember there is someone out there for you.I know you don't want to think about that right now but there is someone who will treat you the way you need to be treated!
If you ever want to chat, you can always e-mail me.
Lori:)
 
I'm so sorry you are going thru this .I have soooo been there . I think you should go to or call your Dr in the AM and get on some meds . .... And do not blame yourself ,him cheating is NOT about you . Keep your chin up .... Call your girlfriends .You need support .Keep coming here and PM me anytime if you want to .. My X cheated for years and years . I feel once they cross that line they do it again ... He really doesnt deserve you !!! Hugs to you
 
So sorry you are going through this.

A good friend of mine is going through the same thing where his wife has been cheating on him for a year (they have been married for 6) and he is blaming himself... but it's the person who is cheating NOT you... I keep telling him that too.

Definetely get counseling - I've been through a lot and finding the right counselor is great and maybe meds.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH this and things will be brighter again

Hugs to you

- Robyn
 
Rose - I am sorry you are going through this! Don't blame yourself for your boyfriend leaving! Take care of yourself and remember that this is just a temporary thing. Throughout life we go through ups and downs. My dh and I have separated and gotten back together just when I thought it was really over. I couldn't be happier now but a few months ago, I was going through a really tough time! ((HUGS)) to you and hoping that things work out for you in the end!
 
I'm sorry to hear that that happened to you. It sounds to me that you haven't lost your mind. Your post totally makes sense. That is good. At least you have the awareness to deal with this and seek help. Go to the specialist and seek treatment.

Don't blame yourself for what happened. He did it wrong and nothing justifies it. There is a difference between explaining and justifying. There may be explanations for his behavior, but not justification.

Don't let yourself spiral down and remember that from every bad thing that happens a good one -or more- can be created. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Also, keep in mind that one day the pain will be over. Time will pass and things will change and what seemed like an eternal hell will be over. There is some good -sometimes even treasures- hidden in every tragedy.
 
Dear Rose--please call a friend tonight. Don't sit home alone when you're in pain and in need of support. If someone is close enough to you to be called a friend, then that is someone who loves you and would want to be there for you. I'm glad you posted and I know you'll have the support of this forum, but this is a cold, hard computer screen and we can't reach in to hug and comfort you. Shut it down and call a friend. You'd want to help them if the tables were turned. Take good care and call the doctor tomorrow.

Michele
 
Thank you everybody for your replies, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. It's all so fuzzy now. I have a migraine too so I guess I won't be having any trouble sleeping tonight. It's hard though because this is my high school sweetheart. I just turned 27 and it has always been him in my life. We had our silly breakups years ago and all, but we always start over. It has never felt so final. He swears he hasn't slept with her, but he obviously wants/plans to if he wants our relationship to be over like that all of a sudden.

If there's one thing I know is that I can't control who he likes or falls in love with. Thank God I gained that wisdom from reading the book "Love and Limerence" years ago. I can't make him feel what I feel for him either. At this point, even if he didn't do anything sexual with that woman, I feel betrayed. He also wants to keep in touch with me and I can't do that. I can't be friends with him right now. I just need to feel this pain and start anew and I don't know how to make him understand I can't talk to him right now. Another thing is that we have pretty much the same friends. So I would need to contact someone outside of the "circle". If this is over what am I going to do if I go out? I need to get a new set of friends I think. Or else I'll see him with the other woman every time I decide to go out. Hopefully I'll find a reasonable way out of this mess so I don't have to change my life drastically just because it's over between us.

It's just awful. I think I'll just have to call my mother because I think she's the only one right now that can comfort me. As for the specialist, I can bet all the good psychiatrists over here are full for weeks since holiday season is pretty hard on so many people, but I'll call and hopefully I'll get an appointment this month. I think I've cried too much already and now I'm starting to see things clearly now. I know it's going to be hard and as time goes by I'll have good days and bad. I'll keep my chin up and I won't lose hope either. I don't know, maybe I should take this time to improve myself. I still love him, but I understand what you're all saying. I have to take care of myself first and love myself first in order to share a life with someone else. It's going to be hard.

Ok I'll turn off my computer now and I'll check the forums tomorrow. Take care everybody. I will do the same. God bless.

Edited to add: I can't make him stop calling me. I told him I need to be alone and he doesn't understand. Oh well, I'll know what to do about that tomorrow.
 
Awww, I am so sorry Rose. Things happen for a reason, maybe this is what God wanted for you. Take care of yourself first and foremost!!
 
Rose, I'm glad you are able to try and take care of yourself in this insane shocking and painful time for you. Amazing.

Please let us know how you're feeling tomorrow.
 
Rose,

I think you are doing a good thing in talking to someone. I have found that talking things out with people can be very helpful. Like you said, maybe a friend wouldn't be the best option for you, but a counselor who is removed from your situation might be really helpful...and also it sounds like your mom can be a good person to talk to as well.

A good friend of mine went through a similar experience except it happened after she had married the guy. She went to counseling and started meds and now is doing really well. You can get through this! Stay strong and take this time for you. Sending you many positive <<<vibes>>> and (((hugs))).

Cath :)
 
Hi Rose,

You have great advice from everyone. ((((HUGS)))) I don't have anything to add but I will keep you in my prayers.

Getting on the meds you need to help battle depression and talking to a trusted Dr,friend, relative makes all the difference in the world and helps you see your situation alot clearer.

Take Care,
Kim
 
Rose,

I am very sorry for your pain. I think the number one thing you need to realize, though, is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Let me repeat that. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

This is not to say that we don't all bear responsibility for what happens in our relationships, because we do. But the person you were with made the choice to walk away rather than deal with whatever is between you in an adult manner. This was his choice, and I can only imagine how painful and sad that feels to you.

I feel like I am always suggesting counseling on these boards, but it is important for you to find someone you can talk to openly and honestly, who can help you to deal with your emotions, particularly if you are prone to depression.

Hang in there.

Take care,
Marie
 
Good morning everybody. Wow! What an awful day I had yesterday. I can't even believe I'm alive today.

The first thing I did when I woke up was call my mom. I didn't give her any details I just said: "Mom, how do I find a good psychiatrist?" I mean I need a good recommendation, preferably a depression specialist. But I haven't been to a psychiatrist since I was a teenager which I know it's a long time of suffering in silence. So that's the first step I think.

I'm going to have breakfast, plan my day, take a shower, put a little bit of make-up and I'm going to run a couple of errands. I don't work of Fridays, but today I'm not staying here, I need to get out of this place and enjoy the sun. It's a gorgeous day here too: 79 degrees, sunny. A day like that shouldn't be wasted.

As for that man, (what was his name again? :) ) I'm planning to keep my mind busy because if I think of him, what he could've done last night with that woman, etc. (all those crazy thoughts that were bugging me last night) I will start the destructive cycle all over again.

Crazy as it sounds I think it helped me tremendously to start this post and get this off my chest. Even if it is by typing. I really don't want to put my friends in the middle of this. I agree that things happen for a reason. And today that I feel better I remember when yesterday he was the one who said "it is your fault this never worked". He was the one blaming me. I also remember that my answer to that comment of his was "You're a coward. Don't blame me for your decisions. You make your own decisions". I could've said a lot more things and last night I was beating myself up thinking why didn't I say this? And this? And that? Oh well, I won't dwell on that for now. When I get back I'm going to do MIS with cardio (oh yeah, I'm serious) and do a little bit of reading. Take care everybody.
 
I'm so sorry. http://chittielounge.com/board/images/smiles/icon_pai.gif

I have been there before too. My ex-husband did the same thing to me. Thank God you found out what he's capable of before you got married. Please know that you will be happy again. There is someone else out there so much better for you. Take care of yourself. It hurts so much right now, I know. But, think of it like cutting cancer out of your body. It hurts so much, but in the end you will be happy and healthy.
 
Hi Rose,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Like Dani said at least you know what he's capable of now rather than later. Hang in there. I know it's hard, but we're here for you.

Big (((((HUGS)))))!!

Dallas
 
((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

You have gotten some great advice here and I don't want to just repeat it all (b/c most of what I wanted to say is already here!), but the most important thing is that you need to ignore his calls, at least for now, and TAKE CARE OF YOU! You are the only one that will do that. Plus, if he doesn't want you in his life and has already replaced you, then he need not talk to you right now. He can't help you through getting over him and you need time to go through your emotions. Try to think of this as a new beginning. Time to focus on you. Deal with that depression. Eat well. Exercise. Meet new goals at work. Find new friends. Visit old ones (I am sure that your friends would agree to meet with just one of you every so often so that you are comfortable).

You'll be okay. In a little while, this will seem like just another bump in the road that you got through and used to your advantage to make gains and improvements in your life.

Also, I sent you a PM.
 
I am sorry for all that you are going through, but I have to say GOOD RIDDANCE to him!!! He is not the kind of man that you want. Everyone has problems and faults, including him, so it cannot be yours alone. I am sure that he wasn't perfect... I mean look what he did to you! Be happy that you found out what kind of man he was before you married and had children with him. You deserve much better. It is not about you. He is a LOSER!!! What kind of a man would run around with another woman while the woman he has been in a committed relationship with is struggling? I say let her have him, he is her headache now, and she will constantly be looking behind her back to make sure he isn't doing her the same way he did you.

Don't be ashamed or afraid to call your friends. They love you. I had a problem a month or so ago, and though I was deathly afraid of what my friends would think; but they had me over, we prayed together, ate cookies together and they encouraged me and let me know how much they love me and that they always would, they gave me awesome advice and I left feeling inspired and encouraged. I felt so much better! I feel free to talk on the forums, but it isn't the same as feeling an actual hugs and hearing the words "I lvoe you, and this will all work out". Friends want to help each other. You should give them a call. They could give you better advice than any of us, they know you! :)

Missy
 
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