First off, dont think I am a bad person for saying this. What do you do when you love your mother but really cant stand her? My mom and I clash so bad. I have bitten my tongue so many times just to keep the peace but I cant stand being around her for very long. My mom is a selfish person who tries to manipulate people into doing things that she wants them to. She has been divorced from my dad for 38-39yrs and she still gets money off of him because she knows he will give it to her. they married when she was 15yrs old, so my dad basically has took care of her all her life and they are still friends. She has been remarried for 25yrs or more and yes, my step dad knows she gets money off my dad and he doesnt do anything about it. she has 12dogs, yes 12, my step dad didnt want them but she says she doesnt give a sh-t what he wants. she spends their money till their in debt and if he wants 20$ to go bowling or out to eat with the guys she says they dont have it. she has tried manipulating my younger brothers into paying more than agreed to when they lived at home. This woman lets money make a monster out of her.she wasnt much of a mother and surely isnt much of a grandmother either. she gets jealous when my kids want to go to my in laws instead of being around her and she says , what dont you love grandma, to make them feel guilty. I told her its because my in laws spend quality time with them. she only takes my kids or visits with them about every 2-3months and we only live 7minutes away. It bothers me that I dont have a good relationship with my mother because I have a friend whose mother is there for her, they are very close and I envy that. I have tried with my mother several,several times to get close to her and I just cant. There is too much about her that gets under my skin. I hope I dont sound like a bad person, I have tried but when someone who is manipulative and selfish like my mom , its hard to do. People that know her cant really stand her and my husband said if that was his mom, he would have disowned her yrs ago.Anyway sorry for being so long winded, but I am at ends wit!
What do you do?
- Thread starter laura35
- Start date
Muffin Top
Cathlete
Not that this is what you want to hear, but here goes...
My mom is also very manipulative. I could tell you stories that would make you cry. I could let it upset me (and did and have many times). Finally, I just accepted that she is what she is. She had circumstances in her life that led her to that behavior. I cannot force her into counselling and I cannot fix her. I can either tolerate and accept her, or cut her out of my life. I want her in my life and for her grandson. I forgave her and decided to accept her--warts and all.
My mom is also very manipulative. I could tell you stories that would make you cry. I could let it upset me (and did and have many times). Finally, I just accepted that she is what she is. She had circumstances in her life that led her to that behavior. I cannot force her into counselling and I cannot fix her. I can either tolerate and accept her, or cut her out of my life. I want her in my life and for her grandson. I forgave her and decided to accept her--warts and all.
My mother and I have been estranged for almost 5 years. She's manipulative, selfish and dishonest. There's no way that I can have a relationship with her - I don't trust one word that comes out of her mouth. She lives out of state and has never even seen my youngest child - her only granddaughter. I haven't kept her away from her grandchildren - it's been her choice. However, I would definitely only allow her some kind of supervised visitation because I don't trust her judgement.
I do feel badly about it, but I feel that I'm much better off this way. When my mother and I were still communicating, there was so much negative energy and I let her upset me all the time. Having her in my life was just toxic and life is so much more peaceful without her. It's also hard for me to explain to my children - I don't want to badmouth her to them, but they don't know why I don't speak to her.
Good luck - the mother/daughter relationship can be a difficult one!
Erica
Edited to add - when my mother and I were still speaking, she would lash out at me and say terrible things when I didn't act the way she wanted me to.
I do feel badly about it, but I feel that I'm much better off this way. When my mother and I were still communicating, there was so much negative energy and I let her upset me all the time. Having her in my life was just toxic and life is so much more peaceful without her. It's also hard for me to explain to my children - I don't want to badmouth her to them, but they don't know why I don't speak to her.
Good luck - the mother/daughter relationship can be a difficult one!
Erica
Edited to add - when my mother and I were still speaking, she would lash out at me and say terrible things when I didn't act the way she wanted me to.
maddiesmum
Cathlete
The selfish money taking and her apparent inability to love anyone other than herself would drive me up the wall also. In your case, to maintain my sanity, I would be forced to limit my contact with her and therefore my children's contact also. I would also want to make sure that my kids understood that not all of Grandma's actions are good ones and should not be copied.
Not all family's get on. It's sad but true. You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So, surround yourself with people you love and respect and who love and respect you and accept that you cannot change your mother or mould her to your image of a mother. You can only tolerate her from afar.
If it is any consolation, my husband's mother is no angel either, and I had to take steps to limit our contact with her. She made me insane every time she came to visit. I couldn't put up with that any longer. My own mother is truly wonderful.
You know, there's nothing stopping you from getting close to your mother in law, especially since she gets on with your kids so well. It's good to have allies.
Not all family's get on. It's sad but true. You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So, surround yourself with people you love and respect and who love and respect you and accept that you cannot change your mother or mould her to your image of a mother. You can only tolerate her from afar.
If it is any consolation, my husband's mother is no angel either, and I had to take steps to limit our contact with her. She made me insane every time she came to visit. I couldn't put up with that any longer. My own mother is truly wonderful.
You know, there's nothing stopping you from getting close to your mother in law, especially since she gets on with your kids so well. It's good to have allies.
Muffin Top
Cathlete
I should also have mentioned that I see my mom about 3-4 times a year. We talk on the phone about once a month and that's about it.
Hi Laura. I am so sorry for all you are going through. It's good that you were able to stand up to her and let her know why her grandkids don't see her. It sounds like your dad and stepdad are enabling her to continue to take advantage of them. Maybe when everyone learns to stand up to her and tell her they won't tolerate her behavior, she'll change. She does sound extremely selfish. I know it's hard to bite your toungue to keep the peace, but the more you do that, the more she'll continue on with her selfish behavior. I have had my ups and down with my mother and have come to realize that I'm not going to change her but I'm also not going to let her get the best of me either. Stay strong and don't let her make you feel guilty. Maybe if you told your Dad that she's only wasting the money he gives her, he'll stop giving it to her and maybe your stepfather should take more control of the finances. You are not a bad person at all. You've had to put up with a lot. She sounds like a real bully and that's not what a mother is supposed to be. Good luck to you.
Marcy
Marcy
naughtoj
Cathlete
You can love your family but not LIKE them.
I now choose to NOT spend my time around people I don't like or don't make me feel good about myself. If that means I have to stay away from pretty much all of my family, well, then that is what it means. Other than the 'obligatory' phone calls every few weeks to touch base, there isn't much contact.
As for me, I have old unresolved issues with some of my family members that I should probably be in therapy for for a lifetime but I don't like therapy, lol. And the problem is...you get better, THEY DON'T. So then, they are just MORE annoying.}(
For whatever reason, I just don't feel good around them. Most the time they make little verbal "jabs" at me and I just don't appreciate it. So I stay away....
Don't feel bad!!! People are responsible for their own actions. Guilt is very powerful for manipulating family members. Don't let it work on you!!!
Good Luck. I know it is a very difficult situation...
I now choose to NOT spend my time around people I don't like or don't make me feel good about myself. If that means I have to stay away from pretty much all of my family, well, then that is what it means. Other than the 'obligatory' phone calls every few weeks to touch base, there isn't much contact.
As for me, I have old unresolved issues with some of my family members that I should probably be in therapy for for a lifetime
but I don't like therapy, lol. And the problem is...you get better, THEY DON'T. So then, they are just MORE annoying.}( For whatever reason, I just don't feel good around them. Most the time they make little verbal "jabs" at me and I just don't appreciate it. So I stay away....
Don't feel bad!!! People are responsible for their own actions. Guilt is very powerful for manipulating family members. Don't let it work on you!!!
Good Luck. I know it is a very difficult situation...
wow! I was expecting people to scold me. Thanks for the support everyone. I am glad that I am not the only that has felt this way about their mother. As far as telling my dad not to give her the money, he only says, I would give it to you if you needed it. My dad is so giving. He could have had anything in life he wanted had he not let her spend all his money. This is a man who made 60,000 a yr and that was back when I was little. He has nothing,nothing to show for all his hard work. Endless hours of overtime just to give her anything she wanted. Now he is 65yrs old,bad health,no wife,(never remarried after my mom) because she would interfere and ask for money and again, he would give it to her.What woman would want to put up with that, and they didnt. He lives with me because he doesnt want to be alone. But my dad has always been there for me and I would never turn him away!! My poor older sister got the brunt of it all. she is so much like my mom. she must resent me. she would say no, but everytime she introduces me to someone she says, this is my sister Laura, she is the skinny one, I am the pretty one. I have never addressed my sister to anyway as my fat sister and yet she does this time and time again and laughs. Finally the last time she told someone Laur gotthe body, I got the looks, I said who are you kidding, I got the body and the looks! she didnt say anything but smiled. anyway, thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it!!
LauraMax
Cathlete
Wow, nice to know I'm not the only one.
My mom is bipolar. I have some pretty sad stories too but I won't get into them. She hates me b/c I get along really well w/my dad, who she despises. I was in therapy when I started grad school (trying to find out how to de-stress) & the therapist came right out & told me I'd be better off without her & I should cut off all communications w/her. Probably wasn't his place to say it, & I refused b/c of the guilt.
In any case, I lost it on her about 4 years ago b/c every time I talked to her she'd say something nasty about my dad & I just couldn't take it anymore. She's already ruined my brother's & sister's relationship w/him & I refused to let her do that to me. I told her to stop, she hung up on me, & regardless of many efforts on my part during the last few years she refuses to speak to me.
In all honesty, my life is much better without her. I don't have to spend hours (time I don't have) on the phone w/her listening to how horrible everyone is, how horrible her life is b/c my dad ruined it, how horrible her kids are & how she wishes we'd never been born. Oh, & she has money problems too. She's hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt w/no hope of ever getting out. She's borrowed money from every single relative she's still speaking to, & she hates the rest for a variety of reasons (meaning she cut off my relationship w/my 20 or so cousins, who I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years).
So, from one Laura to another, what I'm trying to say is you are not a horrible person. Sometimes, even with blood relatives, we simply cannot get along, & our lives are much more stress free without them in them. Don't feel bad about it--you have to do what's right for yourself.
My mom is bipolar. I have some pretty sad stories too but I won't get into them. She hates me b/c I get along really well w/my dad, who she despises. I was in therapy when I started grad school (trying to find out how to de-stress) & the therapist came right out & told me I'd be better off without her & I should cut off all communications w/her. Probably wasn't his place to say it, & I refused b/c of the guilt.
In any case, I lost it on her about 4 years ago b/c every time I talked to her she'd say something nasty about my dad & I just couldn't take it anymore. She's already ruined my brother's & sister's relationship w/him & I refused to let her do that to me. I told her to stop, she hung up on me, & regardless of many efforts on my part during the last few years she refuses to speak to me.
In all honesty, my life is much better without her. I don't have to spend hours (time I don't have) on the phone w/her listening to how horrible everyone is, how horrible her life is b/c my dad ruined it, how horrible her kids are & how she wishes we'd never been born. Oh, & she has money problems too. She's hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt w/no hope of ever getting out. She's borrowed money from every single relative she's still speaking to, & she hates the rest for a variety of reasons (meaning she cut off my relationship w/my 20 or so cousins, who I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years).
So, from one Laura to another, what I'm trying to say is you are not a horrible person. Sometimes, even with blood relatives, we simply cannot get along, & our lives are much more stress free without them in them. Don't feel bad about it--you have to do what's right for yourself.
acatalina
Cathlete
You are not alone.
My mother drives me crazy.
She is forever making nasty cracks to my DH.
She is jealous of the things i do for my daughter.Every time i buy her something , she says she didn't need a new one. I never had new.
She about died when i bought her a new car
I have been told i am going to hell because i don't get up every sun and go to church.
I got married in a presbeterian church because my DH was previously married and i was not going through the anullment BS, so i hear you are living in sin. You are not married in the eyes of god.
I am to the point when i don't say anything anymore, i just stay away.
I love her , but i can't stand her.
I would rather stay away then say something mean.
It is like she is never happy for me or my daughter....
So , I know wherre you are coming from.
Anne
http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
My mother drives me crazy.
She is forever making nasty cracks to my DH.
She is jealous of the things i do for my daughter.Every time i buy her something , she says she didn't need a new one. I never had new.
She about died when i bought her a new car
I have been told i am going to hell because i don't get up every sun and go to church.
I got married in a presbeterian church because my DH was previously married and i was not going through the anullment BS, so i hear you are living in sin. You are not married in the eyes of god.
I am to the point when i don't say anything anymore, i just stay away.
I love her , but i can't stand her.
I would rather stay away then say something mean.
It is like she is never happy for me or my daughter....
So , I know wherre you are coming from.
Anne
http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
Hi Laura. I know what you’re going through is very difficult for you and your emotions. It is so important that you take care of yourself and do what is best for you which is not necessarily easy. Although my family has not been verbally abusive, emotionally they are not there. My parents were divorced when I was 20ish and my paternal sperm donor (can’t use the word father because he does not define what a father is in my books ;-) ) chose not to continue a relationship with his 2 children. I accepted this because I knew this is what he decided and I can’t make anyone do what I think they should. My mother and I ended up living together and my sister got married. My mother knows how to give physical love but not emotional love which is what I have “craved” my entire life. My sister has a lot of anger in her and has not reciprocated the caring and love that I have shown her. If it were not for my nieces, I would not have a relationship with her at all. I have taken both of them to counseling to help all of us have a better relationship but neither of them will let their emotional wall down to allow love to flow freely in and out. I wanted them to love the way I love. For years I struggled with wanting them to be what I wanted albeit something good. Through many tears and emotional and physical pain, and health issues, I’ve had to accept that these people will NEVER be what I want them to be and they shouldn’t. Has it been difficult? Of course but the greatest gift one can give to themselves is to allow others to be whoever they are. I realized that even though I was wanting something good from my mother and sister, it was a form of control because I wanted them to be what I needed so that I would feel better. It’s really the same thing when others are trying to manipulate us into doing what they want. It’s all a form of control although we don’t look at it that way when again, we want “good” things from others. I hope this makes sense. Whenever we want someone else to change their personalities, it is a form of control. I never, ever thought that I was trying to control them because I was trying to help open them up to approaching life in a different way but the way I wanted them to do this was MY way. Now, if after taking them to counseling they said that they really wanted to work on these issues and make changes, then we would have done that but they were not willing to make changes in their lives. We can bring issues to the attentions of others and if they are in a place where our words or encouragement were just what they needed, then they will take action but if they are not in a place in their life where they want to do this, then we must accept this and live our lives accordingly.
Is is very freeing when we allow other people to be whoever they choose to be. It doesn’t have to be what we want just like we can not be what other people want. We have to be true to ourselves and live our lives and learn the lessons that we are here to learn if we so choose. We are born into our families to experience what our souls need to learn and grow from. We are all on a journey and because our experiences may not be what we think they should be or want them to be, we may not learn what we are here to learn because we are too busy fighting the things we can not change instead of accepting those things, as painful as it may be, and begin to open ourselves up to the good that is waiting for us. I also want to say that your father and stepfather are solely responsible for how they allow your mother to treat them. As difficult as it may be for you to see this, please remember that they are allowing this to happen and they have their own lessons to learn for themselves. It is not our job to interrupt another persons path in life. We can show love and support but we can never make anyone do anything that they are not open to doing. I’ve had to accept my family and other people in my life for who they are. It may not be what “I” like but it is the reality of the situation and I have to decide how to deal with these people so that I am not getting myself sick and aggravated. I still do not have the type of love in my life that is important to me but I know I can not get it from people who just are not capable of giving it. I hopefully will find it in life but I know it will be from other people. I say this to you for you to begin to understand that you can’t have a relationship with your mother the way you would like because she is just not capable of giving out what you need. If we are able to know what our parents’ childhood was like, we may be able to understand why and how they’ve become who they are. People can’t give things to others that are foreign to them. If they never knew what unconditional, pure love was growing up, then how can they give that out to others? Again, people CAN change if they are willing to recognize areas that need change but to a lot of people, this is too threatening to them. I’ve learned to bless people and send out good thoughts to them instead of thinking all the hurtful and painful thoughts that I constantly used to. It’s not an easy process, but one that is so rewarding to yourself. Remember, give yourself the gift of letting others be who they are and your life will be enlightened and unburdened and you will live your life for yourself and your family members who really benefit from your love.
I’m sorry this is so long. I have so much more to say but hopefully I was able to say what I needed in a clear way. If I can help out in any other way, please let me know. Many (((((((( ))))))))'s to you!
Bam
Is is very freeing when we allow other people to be whoever they choose to be. It doesn’t have to be what we want just like we can not be what other people want. We have to be true to ourselves and live our lives and learn the lessons that we are here to learn if we so choose. We are born into our families to experience what our souls need to learn and grow from. We are all on a journey and because our experiences may not be what we think they should be or want them to be, we may not learn what we are here to learn because we are too busy fighting the things we can not change instead of accepting those things, as painful as it may be, and begin to open ourselves up to the good that is waiting for us. I also want to say that your father and stepfather are solely responsible for how they allow your mother to treat them. As difficult as it may be for you to see this, please remember that they are allowing this to happen and they have their own lessons to learn for themselves. It is not our job to interrupt another persons path in life. We can show love and support but we can never make anyone do anything that they are not open to doing. I’ve had to accept my family and other people in my life for who they are. It may not be what “I” like but it is the reality of the situation and I have to decide how to deal with these people so that I am not getting myself sick and aggravated. I still do not have the type of love in my life that is important to me but I know I can not get it from people who just are not capable of giving it. I hopefully will find it in life but I know it will be from other people. I say this to you for you to begin to understand that you can’t have a relationship with your mother the way you would like because she is just not capable of giving out what you need. If we are able to know what our parents’ childhood was like, we may be able to understand why and how they’ve become who they are. People can’t give things to others that are foreign to them. If they never knew what unconditional, pure love was growing up, then how can they give that out to others? Again, people CAN change if they are willing to recognize areas that need change but to a lot of people, this is too threatening to them. I’ve learned to bless people and send out good thoughts to them instead of thinking all the hurtful and painful thoughts that I constantly used to. It’s not an easy process, but one that is so rewarding to yourself. Remember, give yourself the gift of letting others be who they are and your life will be enlightened and unburdened and you will live your life for yourself and your family members who really benefit from your love.
I’m sorry this is so long. I have so much more to say but hopefully I was able to say what I needed in a clear way. If I can help out in any other way, please let me know. Many (((((((( ))))))))'s to you!
Bam