OT/ Any one ever see a guy who is seperated but not yet divorced?

R

robyn6002

Cathlete
Sorry this isn't a fitness related question.. but since I'm just finishing up week 6 I figure I'm allowed to ask 1 non fitness related question!

Have any of you (or close friend) ever seen a guy who is seperated but not yet divorced? I guess I never considered it an issue. I've gotten to be really close friends with a guy who is seperated (yes does NOT live in the house - hasn't for a few months). Yes there are sparks!

We are incredibly open with eachother (it hasn't become a relationship yet) and I know he still has unresolved feelings with his wife. She has been involved with someone else.

I'm thinking at this point - we should really go into friendship mode rather than getting closer and letting it take its course. I'm very torn as I like him alot and would really like to see where it goes, but realize if I'm going to stop it, I'd have to do it NOW before we get too deep.

Do you think I should stop it from developing now, be a friend only and help his as a friend get through this (i've been divorced for a long time). I'm hoping you don't say just run away all together.
 
Hi Robyn,

Boy, you're in a difficult situation for sure. I know you've been through so much and to find someone to share your life with now would be so wonderful. Since you asked for opinions I will give you mine. (Let me add this disclaimer--my sister and her husband are separated but she very much hopes that they will get back together).

I think if you were truly comfortable with this relationship you probably would not have posted this question. In my heart of hearts, I would have to say that you should stop seeing him until he is legally free and clear. First of all, you risk the possibility that he is rebounding. The other thing to consider is whether or not he and his wife can salvage their marriage--which would be very difficult if both of them are concentrating their efforts on other relationships. I think the benefit of the doubt should always be given in favor holding the marriage together. If you two are really drawn to each other, distance and some time apart won't hurt your future chances.

Robyn, I can think of no one that deserves a good relationship more than you. Please, I worry that you're opening yourself up to great pain. Find someone who is truly available.

Michele
 
Thanks Michele:

That is where I was leaning as well. It was one thing when they were well along on the divorce path.

I'm greatful that we are so open and he told me. Fortunately I'm not in so deep (yet) but it was going that way, so yes I think I will remain as friends (but not extremely close) and NOT let it takes it path.

I will talk to him next week. And yes if it is meant to be, it will be, if not it won't.

Yes I've been through A LOT. But I know I can do it without a man - yes it would be nice but NOT in this situation.

Thanks so much and hope your sister's marriage can be reconciled.

- Robyn
 
Hi Robin -

From my experience - you should just stay friends. I have gotten very badly burned by getting involved with a newly separated person! Yes, we were very open about things, knew we should take it slow, but it was hard to do when you have sparks. We would talk for hours on the phone every night, he made me laugh like no other, BUT.... he was not ready. Bottom line - can you say Rebound Relationship... I know they are always exceptions to the rule. But what I have learned and read about many times, and from my very personnal experience, it takes a person (males especially) about 2 years to fully be "ready" for a new relationship to move forward. If you move any quicker, someone usually gets hurt. Now, once again, there are ALWAYS exceptions.

But I do know too - when there is cheating involved - it makes it that much harder (and longer) for someone to heal and move on.

Again - I know situations are different for everyone - but I have certainly learned the hard way that I will never get involved with someone that is just separated. It is SO important for someone to be able to heal and find themselves again, before being able to be a partner to someone new. It becomes to easy to use this new person as a crutch to help them cope with the new found emptiness of separation.

Anyway - keep rambling - but just stay friends!!! IHMO

Good Luck - I know how hard it is....
 
Robin,

I would keep it as friends for a little longer. Whether or not he recovers from his wife, it would be nice to feel thet he is not leaning on you like a "crutch" until he learns to "walk" again.

Dave
 
There's two streets here. Street one is Rebound and the other is OK.

I started dating my husband about 2 weeks after he separated from his first wife. About 3 months after that, he divorced, I moved in. We got married 2 years after that and have been together for 12 and are happy. In my DH's case, his relationship with his ex was pretty much over about 2 years before they actually separated. He had his rebound and had moved on and was ready for a relationship when we met.

It could have gone very differently. In fact, I was prepared for this relationship to be a very short term he's-on-the-rebound relationship. I never expected us to click and stick like we did. It probably shouldn't have happened this way but he was not rebounding.

If your new fella has unresolved feelings and his hurt is new and fresh, I'd say enjoy the sparks but don't get too attatched. If he's so over it, you could risk being a bit free with your emotions, but still keep it in control. You can't know what's in his head right now (and most men can't tell you even though they live in that head!).

Considering you are wanting people to tell you to run away, you should run away. You should run as fast as you can. Your heart, head, conscious KNOW what you should do and you have a voice telling you to run. RUN girl!! Run!!
 
Thanks Anne and Dave:

You are both so right. Yes I know in my heart that is what I need to do.

16 years ago I had a best friend who helped me through my seperation, divorce, and death of my Father. It was one of my most cherished friendships ever. We even had a big 5 year friendship anniversary. I needed a friend not a lover. I wont pretend there were no sparks, but the reason I think it lasted so long was because it was a friendship and not a "rebound" relationshp which would have quickly run its course.

If nothing else, I feel good that I'm doing the RIGHT thing.

So yes, Monday, we will have the talk.

Thanks for the replies. I will let you know (if you want) how it goes!

Anne are you a single Mom? Wonder how many of us there are on this forum.
On a positive note I am finishing up week 6 of my comeback. I feel so much better and am getting compliments and am just 1 lb off my regular weight :)
 
Thanks Tammy.

I'm not hearing RUN but hearing build a friendship NOT a relationship and NOT a best friendship. He actually is moving out of the country early next year (for a year).

I'm coming off a tough year, my son has had life threatening medical situation, my mother was institutionalized (mental illness), and my daughter went off to college. 5 years ago I lost my boyfriend/best friend to cancer. So I probably am not ready for a relationship either. I am very strong SOLO and perhaps that is what I'm most suited to.

Yes I slept on it and we will have the talk on Monday. My gutt tells me he is feeling the same way.
 
>Sorry this isn't a fitness related question.. but since I'm
>just finishing up week 6 I figure I'm allowed to ask 1 non
>fitness related question!


"Open Discussion" means just that: topics don't have to be fitness related, but anything we want to discuss. So feel free to ask as many non-fitness questions as you want here!


I've never been in your situation, but I've gone out with guys who had recently broken up. It's a tough situation, especially if the guy has "unresolved feelings" for his wife. Being the rebound woman is usually not a permanent position, IMO. It can happen, but if you think there's a possibility of a more serious relationship with this guy, you might want to hold off until the divorce is final at least and he's resolved those feelings somewhat.
>.
 
Thanks Kathyrn:

I'm totally resolved (after a night sleeping on it). This isn't what I want now.

Thanks for validating this. I'm not sure what I"m looking for right now. I really don't want a full relationship until my son graduates from HS in 07 these ventures into dating land are good as it helps at least clarify what I DONT want!

- Robyn

Well off to the JV football game
 
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