OK, moms, I need your advice AGAIN!

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
There is one girl in my dd's preschool class who is not always very nice. She's bossy and a know-it-all, and she frequently hurts my dd's feelings. But my dd plays with her all the time! I've asked the teacher about her observation of the relationship and she said that I shouldn't encourage the friendship outside of school because it's not a healthy one.

It seems like everyday I pick her up, she's telling me about something this girl has said or done that's not so nice. Last night when I was putting her in bed, I laid down next to her and asked how things were at school and if she was getting along with everyone. She said no, and then that girl's name. She said that this girl makes her feel bad. So I asked if anyone else does that, and she said no. Then I asked who makes her feel good and she went on to name every other kid in the class. I asked why she plays with the one girl when everyone else is nice. Of course, being only 5 - she had no logical answer.

I don't know how to get her to stop playing with this girl. I told her that when the girl isn't nice, dd should tell her that she won't play with her anymore because she hurts her feelings. I also told her that when they start kindergarten, they'll be going to different schools and she won't have to see her anymore. But I know there will be other kids like this that she meets and I want to help her realize that she doesn't have to hang out with people who make her feel bad.

What I REALLY want to tell her is to tell the girl to stick-it or something!
 
I could see it now... DD gets feelings hurt by mean girl. DD says to mean girl: "Well, you can just eat crap, cuz my mommy said so!"

;)
 
Okay, enough chucking food out yer nose }(
I'm getting some mental pictures and they aren't pretty LOL

Seriously, this kind of thing seems to go on and on and on and on and on (did i say and on?) with girls. My dd who is now age 12 has come across so many either hurtful girls, bossy girls, backstabbing girls etc.... Girls are just plain difficult. I use to say how difficult it would be to raise all boys, but since raising this daughter, let me tell you, girls are a whole new breed of nastiness.

I always tell my daughter to ignore the mean, spiteful, nasty ones, that includes girls who obviously are growing up in families where swearing and name calling are acceptable.
I go to large extremes to pair her up with nice girls, if that includes having them over on weekends, having little parties with the girls i want her with, getting her in the activities.

But, the bottom line is, she does have to learn that she will come across these kinds of people FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Think about the places you work and the people you know. There is always one....

My main point with my kids is making the right choices when it comes to spending time with people. Now if we are talking bullying, that is a whole other issue. That has to be taken care of immediately, and by the school.

And be glad this school year is almost over!


;-)
 
Wendy,

You are so wise. This started with my DD in high school. These high school girls were just plain nasty. So bad they egged and rolled our house one night. After talking to the parents, I realized why the girls was so nasty x( . What do you do then?

Anyway, DD is 30 and from time to time I get calls from her complaining about people from work being rude or nasty. Just like some venting threads we see on the Cathe site. It's something we all need to learn to deal with cause there is always one in every crowd.

It is kinda hard to explain to a five year old though.

I think my favorite is still "Eat crap cause my Mommy said so!" A five year old knows what that means, LOL!

}(
 
Yeah, unfortunately it usually takes us until we're in our mid-to-late 20's to realize that we've got to eliminate the negative people from our lives. I have a friend (had a friend) that was one of my best friends in high school. But she just turned into such a basket-case after we graduated. Every time she'd call me, it would be an hour long talk about what was wrong in her life. I just got sick of the drain on my energy and kind of eased her out.

Fortunately she lives 3 hours away, so it's not like I run into her. Of course, she seems to have turned everything around for herself, so maybe I'll give her another chance.
 
Donna,
I feel your pain. We've had several instances where I wanted to call up the parents. My dd is so sensitive. I can't believe how kids can be so mean at such a young age. My dd is only seven! I don't have much advice as I'm trying to figure out the best way to handle things, too.

Hang in there I guess we have a long road ahead of us! Thank goodness I have two younger boys! I'm sure there are other things i'll have to worry about with them.

Dallas
 
Donna, I don't have a daughter, but if I had one in your child's situation, I'd encourage her to "use your words", especially if her feelings are being hurt all the time. The teacher herself says the relationship is unhealthy but can only do so much. I'd use this situation as a chance for my child to learn how to act.

Just yesterday my boy (he's 4) stormed into the house yesterday almost in tears. "This girl was so mean to me!" he said. (He was referring to a much older child.) But before I could ask questions, he ran outside again. So I followed him but not closely. Don't laugh... I hid behind my neighbor's bushes to assess the situation. I wanted my kid to deal with the situation himself but at the same time, I didn't want the situation to escalate into something ugly, since he does have a history of being physically aggressive. Well, I heard him assert himself really well. He told this girl that she was hurting his feelings and that maybe he was a boy and didn't belong in the game, but he really did want to play. I couldn't see much from behind the bushes, but I heard a hush among the girls. I could tell one of them was trying to comfort him. He calmed down soon enough and was playing with something (I couldn't tell what it was) by himself. I think they gave him something to play with so that he won't bother them. Later, he told me that the girl apologized to him, but he "didn't believe her because girls are mean". Boy, that really hit me. He's so young and he's already finding out the hard way.;( But the thing is, kids have to learn how to deal with situations like this, in such a way that they're not stepped on and at the same time, they don't step on others either.

Keep on talking to your daughter about friendship. That real friends don't hurt your feelings. Neither do they ENJOY doing so.

Pinky
 
Pinky, your son sounds so precious! He has an uncanny knack of really expressing himself, doesn't he? I wish I was like that. And you are TOO funny hiding behind bushes. I know it's very important to keep tabs on your kids so whatever it takes right?

Marla
 
My yougest son who will be 6 in June, had that problem. He would let everyone walk all over him. Jordan is extremely easy going and smiles all the time. I picked him up from daycare @ 8 months ago and found out 3 girls (2 his age, one 9) had him against a chain-link fense beating him up!! I talked with the daycare and got that problem solved BUT I enrolled him in karate the next week. It seems that was the confidence he needed. He is still "Mama's Mr Smiley" BUT he does not let anyone walk on him and takes up for himself.

Maybe that might be something to look into.

Hope this helps.

Kim
 
Good for you, Kim & for your son. I'm just so disgusted with picking on & brutalizing others. I wish schools were harsher about their punishments, sometimes.

Marla
 
Thanks Pinky. I love your website. You're a very talented artist!

I love Warrior 2, too! There's just something about it.

So I picked up dd today at school. She told me last night she wouldn't play with that girl. So I came in and asked the teacher who she played with today...and it was the mean girl!!!!! D'oh! She's a glutton for punishment. I told the teacher that I was encouraging my dd to play with the kids that are nicer to her, so she is going to try to steer her that way.

The thing is, the other girl is not always so bad. I thought she was a very nice little girl up until a month or two ago. She always gives my daughter a HUGE hug before they say goodbye. So I don't think she intends to be mean. It's a shame. I probably shouldn't have told my daughter, but I said that the girl was mean because she's so jealous of how pretty and smart my dd is. Isn't that awful? }(
 
How tough the pain we Mom's feel through our kids. I hate to say this but if they can survive middleschool (and most kids do) they can survive anything.

The girls are SO HORRIBLE during that age. At our Middle school they had the "blonde girls club" and they had to have a card to be in the group. The WORST is the parents of these girls basked in the popularity of the girls. How disgusting is that?

It's like the caste system and they ALL know their place in the pecking order. For girls (at least in our town) it's based on
Looks, clothes, athleticism (but in a feminine way), smart (but not too smart)

The boys are NOTHING like this so Horrible to see what girls do to eachother.

My daughter is now a freshman in college - :)
 
Marla, I tell ya... most of the time I'm just groping in the dark with this mommy stuff, especially with my kid being unpredictable, difficult and emotionally volatile. So yeah, whatever it takes.:) His therapists have done a great job with his verbal skills, so his lashing out physically has abated a lot. The flipside though is that he is learning to hurt with words, and some of our bedtime conversation is about that, too. I am always surprised at how sharply attuned he is to everything around him, such as girls being mean. I can only brace myself for whatever he'll say next.:)

Pinky
 
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