Off topic

L

LuckeeLaydee

Cathlete
At the risk of sounding pathetic, I am wondering if any of you ladies have had trouble making "friends" in your adult life?
I am 48 and lost a good deal of my so called "friends" when I got divorced. I still have some of my childhood friends in Ca but even a couple of them have passed away and I rarely get to visit CA to see the ones still alive.
I remarried and moved to a new neighborhood a couple of years ago. I am a working mom and most of the neighbors are stay at home moms with small children (my youngest is a teenager). Most of them are not at all interested in the things I am (working out, music, riding motorcyles and taking trips with my new husband) and I wonder if they just can't relate to me at all because I am so unlike them.
I have made a few friends since I came to TX but they are all single women so they can do things at the drop of a hat and I can't always. I would so much like to meet other "couple" friends that aren't burdened with small chilren OR a married woman that has older children so understands than I have some time restraints.
Any suggestions? Do others have these problems? I am beginning to think I am a real weirdo or something and I have always had friends in the past. I sometimes wish I could go back to CA but I know that isn't the answer as hubby and I are well established (other than friendships) in TX. Maybe I am being unrealistic and others don't have time for lots of friends either? Maybe I should just focus entirely on my family and be thankful that I have them?

Paula
 
Paula, you are neither a weirdo or alone :) I have the same problem. Since leaving New York a few years ago to be with DH I've made not one of my own friends. We socialize with his friends but honestly they are not my cup of tea. Nice enough, but just not people I really connect with. My four best friends are scattered hither and yon so I don't get to see them often. Thank god my sister is 45 minutes away!! As for what to do...I don't know. I'm trying to get more outside interests, do some volunteer work, that sort of thing. I agree with you that it's tough. Most of the women I have met since moving here make me feel like I have two heads!

Good luck!

Sparrow


Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Oh, I think many of us here can relate to you. DH and I have moved twice since we married so we've had to start over in two location's. I am in the opposing situation as you...I am a stay-at-home mother plus I work for my H and my office is in our home so I will probably never work outside the house again. And in our group of friends...I am the only wife who doesn't work full-time. So that being said, I often think the other women secretly hate me for it but none of them would ever admit it to me.

I would love to find a couple of friends in my situation...able to get away during the day for long lunches or shopping trips. I am an avid gardener but none of my friends are. I love to cook but none of my friends cook for their families. I ride horses and would love to find someone to trail ride with me, but I doubt it will ever happen. We have three horses but none of my current friends will ride with me.

And at this point in my life, I'm too busy yet with work and kids to commit to joining any organized groups...like a trail riding club. My Saturday's are spent taking kids to gymnastics and piano so I can't be on out-of-town trail rides. Same goes for joining a gardening club right now. I was in a gardening club several years ago that met during the daytime so that worked perfectly for me but then they changed to doing more in the evenings so I had to quit.

We all have challenges in our lives. You just have to get out and try to meet women with similar interests as you.
 
Paula you are in no way a weirdo. LOL Before I got married, I had a lot of single friends. I was a big party person and we'd all go out every weekend. After I met my DH I started seeing less and less of them. My best friend is a single mom, goes to school and is very busy so I rarely see her (although we talk on the phone about 2x a week. I also moved away from the area where most of my friends live and although it is only about 40 minutes away, I don't see many of them.

One of my co-workers introduced me to a bunch of moms in a playgroup. I've taken my son 2x and as nice as the women were, I have NOTHING at all in common with any of them.

I wish I could find someone that lived close to me that was into fitness. It would be great to have a buddy to workout with.
 
Thanks Sparrow, not that I want someone else to be going through this too, but it makes me feel better that it is indeed not easy to make new friends. My son is 13 and not interested in sports too much, so I don't do the "soccer mom" thing and that seems to be where a lot of the TX mom's socialize.
My husband is from PA so most of his close friends are up there, and of the couple of friends he has here one is a single guys, and one is married but acts single. So I don't really have to opportunity to socialize with his friends.

I guess I will just keep my eyes open and try doing new things to meet new people. I am just not your average TX mom I guess.


Paula
 
Hi Paula. I see that you're interested in riding motorcyles. My DH and I go on motorcycle runs in our area all the time and we meet a lot of people. If you log onto lets-ride.com, you can get a listing of all the motorcycle runs in your state. Also, what kind of dancing are you interested in? I do line dancing and go to workshops and classes and I've met a lot of women friends. The women are usually anywhere between 30 and 65 and the ones I've met usually have grown children by this time (or they don't have any). I'm 40 myself. The more you get out and do things the more you will run into people.

Marcy
 
Thanks Dana & 40:

40, just before I got divorced, I went out and bought a horse cause I had wanted one since I was three years old!!! It was wonderful. I used to go out and trailride with my friends at the time. Then I had to sell him not too long after the divorce as boarding a horse was way to big a luxury for a single mom. When your kids are older you will find other people who love to ride I'm sure.
I had an easier time making friends when I had the horse as there are lots of riding clubs, etc. but yes you do have to have lots of time on your hands for that.

Paula
 
What a timely post Paula, 6 months ago a dear friend of mine moved from our hometown to Kingston where I have lived the last 2 years. It has been wonderful having an old friend here; so much fun and good for the soul. It made me realise how much I have missed having a close friend as part of my day to day. Career wise the move didn't work out for her so she's moving back tomorrow. I'm sad that things didn't work out better for her and, selfishly; very sad that we won't be able to hang out and go out like we have been doing. Finding friends as adults is a huge challenge.

I have moved to new cities 3 times in the last 10 years and have definitely found it a challenge to really connect with people. I have found church and the gym the most likely places to cultivate new friendships. In my experience it takes about 5 years to really feel established in a new city. You are not alone in your circumstances nor are you weird and/or pathetic. You are human and it is natural and necessary to desire friendship with peers. I love being with my friends, it brings me back to me. When I am with friends I am not a mother, lover, sister, daughter, co-worker.....I'm just my own good self enjoying the company of those who know me well and love me anyway;) :)

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
I love to salsa dance and dance to 70, 80,& 90s type music
Hubby is not a dancer so that is an issue!
We have met some people at the Harley group near us, but most of the couples the ladies are NOT AT ALL into fitness if you get my drift and I think they don't like me because I am. The guys are into motorcycles and they talk that but most are also way into sports and that is not at all my husbands cup of tea (he's a musician).
Since we are not really "typical" I guess it will just take longer to meet the right people that we can relate to so thanks for the advice Marcy.


Paula
 
What a lovely post, thanks Laurie.
I am sorry your friend is moving. I wish for your sake she could stay it is such a wonderful thing to have close friends.

Paula
 
You are definitely not alone. For me it seems life just gets in the way. Busy with work and then weekends are spent caring for the household stuff & spending time with DH. I used to have some friends in the neighborhood, but they have moved. I didn't even meet the families that moved into their houses for 2 years. How pathetic is that? Our neighborhood is mostly younger families now. My DD is in college, so we don't have alot in common with the families any more. I wish I could make friends more easily too.

Jean
 
i am only 27 and i am having trouble making new friends.like you nobody shares my interest. i mean i talk to my neighbors and all that but we don't hang out or anything. its just i am to mature for others around my age but not mature enough for my elder crowd. nobody likes my scene of music,dress,even spiritual and religious views, so it really turns them off that we can't connect on things.

i am thankful i have some type of relationship with folks around here though. i mean even if i had "friends" i wouldn't go anywhere anyway b/c viola needs so much of my time. that is another thing many can't handle having a friend with a special needs child.

i don't think you are weirdo at all, just happens to be the folks around you. i do sometimes wish i had a workout buddy though, it would be fun to have friendly competition to keep me on my toes. but i do love these boards at least i have someone to chat my interests with,without taking focus and time off of viola at home.


kassia



When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not it -- Bernard Bailey
 
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post.

I think maybe I just expect too much for this time in my life.
I am really lucky to have the friends I have. I guess if it's meant to be we will meet others with some of the same interests.


Paula
 
This is such an issue, I think about this a lot. I was in a waiting room a few months back and there was this little boy there, maybe 4 or 5 and a little girl the same age. They didn't know each other, but they became good friends in the 10 minutes I was sitting there.

It is so much harder for adults to find friends. Kids seem to join from shared activities, but adults more on values. An example of this is the motorcycle activity. Yeah, you meet people who like the motorcycling, but they really don't have shared values (health and fitness) so you don't connect.

I have 0 friends. I mean 0. I just turned 40, and it is really starting to get to me. Now, there are folks I talk to, but no-one, other than my DH, Sister, and brother, with whom I really connect and feel a bond with.

Life just gets too busy and it is so hard to find people with similar values, likes, dislikes, religious conviction, time availability etc.
It is really sad, but I am not sure I have the time to be a good friend. Like many others I work full time, workout, do all of the house upkeep, work on remodeling my home, take care of DH etc. I don't have children, but I think, how the heck would I manage? Let alone throw in quality time with real friends.

I don't have an answer to this problem, but I just wanted to chime in and say that "I feel your pain."
 
Thanks you guys have all inspired me (especially to quit whining as I'm not the only one in this boat).
I have decided though, if I do meet someone who has some of the same interests, priorities, etc. I will do my best to BE the best friend I can be and I will make a friendship a priority like I do my exercise.

Paula
 
I think too many people are busy running from place to place to make friends. I recall reading an article that social clubs such as the Jaycees, Elks Clubs, ethnic clubs have rapidly decling membership as older members die off. Even volunteers services (EMT, firefighter) have declining memberships. I myself have wanted to join my local German Ameriacn club but why when the vast majority of members are old enough to be my grandparents.
 
That is sooooooo true, Beavs. Years ago when I was in the gardening club most of the members were over 65. There was three of us under 40 at the time.

Our church congregation is the same way. As the older members die off, younger members are not stepping up to help do church duties and as a result it is a very small portion of people who are trying to hold everything together. We try to recruit new people into the various church organization's but it has been very difficult to get people to commit to come in 20 minutes early on a Sunday and make coffee. The entire congregation stays after church for coffee and cookies but no one wants to actually have to come in and get stuff ready. It's frustrating. I would not want to be a church Pastor in this day and age...hence the reason there is a shortage of clergy to go around these days.

People just don't want to get involved because they don't want to be responsible for going to meetings or weekly, even monthly, duties.

It used to be we all knew and associated with our neighbor's. Not anymore. Everyone is too busy or your neighbor is too weird to invite them in for tea! :p
 
Paula, you don't sound pathetic at all.

I can totally relate. I think part of my problem is that I never do things where you can meet people. I mean, I go to the gym and wear a headset and stay by myself on the treadmill. I really think I would do a lot better if I would just take a class or something, but I never seem to. I work mostly with men, and I'm not really interested in being friends with them. I want female friends!

But anyway, one poster here mentioned a pilates studio that I'd like to try and it involves being with others in a class, so I'm thinking that might be a good place to meet other women with similar interests. I think you can do something similar. Join some class that you're really interested in, and you're probably going to meet others with similar interests.

HTH and lots of luck,
Nancy
 
Paula. You are not a wierdo. I live in Michign I would love to be your friend. I would love to make new friends but my free time is during 8 a.m. to lunch my son and I need to eat then I pick my daughters up at 3 we get home about 3:30 snack time start making dinner, eat, clean up, bathe children, bed time children, bed time little one, workout, shower then I drop on my bed and visit with my hubby. My hubby is the ULTIMATE HOMEBODY all he does is work so his free time he wants to be home. We do not have the money to go out socially. I have several interests that I would like to act upon but my husband is not interested. So for now this board is my friendship. Maybe when my son is is school full time I can get out and get involved in something to find those friends. The other thing being neither myself nor my husband are into sports Thank goodness my children have 2 uncles that are all into sports.

beth6395
 
Hi Paula-
I know how you feel. I believe women need other women friends.
I've had a hard time with this myself, but it is a trust issue.
Last year my best friend had a affair with my husband. So I have been tending to isolate myself the last few months. I am realizing how unhealty this is, not to mention lonely!
Since you enjoy working out, maybe you could check out a local Jazzercise class. Jazzercisers are one big family, it's a great way to meet people.
Elizabeth
 
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