Man issues

[red_mct]

Ladies:

I am looking for some advice. I was in a relationship for a long time... 2.5 years. We had some problems, the relationship deteriorated, and we broke up last year. However, I am still really madly in love with this guy and he claims he is also with me... we have been seeing each other again for about the last month or so. It feels good and is going well. We are dealing with some of the problems we had (which we did not deal with before).

HOWEVER...

...you knew there was a however, right?

While we were split up, he was "seriously involved" with someone else. I mean involved where they were using the L-word and generally all wrapped up in each other's lives. She was not a particularly nice person (ok, ok, I realize I am very biased here and would like to believe she rides a broomstick)... I am basing this on the manner in which she treated him, which was a general yo-yo type thing (I want to be close to you, I don't want to be close to you) as well as the really lousy manner of the breakup (they were ON vacation! in the Carribean! I'm pissed enough that he went without me not to stress too much on this point, though, heh). So. Now she wants him back and he's been clear with her that he is with me and he doesn't even want to talk to her. Which is ok, I think he handled that pretty respectfully (but I would still like to wring her neck). He believes it was just a rebound thing and while he "loved" her he wasn't "in love" with her, which to me is a bullsh*t semantical distinction. But I am trying to be understanding.

So the real issue here is ME. I am not a jealous person by nature but some days lately I feel like an absolute raving lunatic. I go back and forth between a very zen-like state where I am fine with it and don't want to know anything, to NEEDING to know every single detail right down to her shoe size. And then of course I torture myself with whatever he tells me. Ugh.

I guess this is normal. Right? Is this normal? The feeling seems to be lessening over time, but I will tell you, some days I really understand why women do fanatical things in a jealous rage.... it's an awful feeling.

Ugh. Any feedback appreciated.

Marie
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[dss62467]

My feeling is that you should see where it goes without letting yourself get too involved with him emotionally until you KNOW it's over with the other girl. My husband had an ex come back into his life about 8 months after we started dating. He went out with her a couple times while we were together (but he had been distancing himself from me and told me I should see other people). He realized who he wanted to be with and that was the end of her. We've been married for almost 8 years.

It's the old "if you love something, set it free" philosophy. I'm not saying that you should let him go, just don't make a huge deal out of it. And if you keep yourself from getting too emotionally attached, it won't hurt too much if it ends. Hopefully.

 

[Timber99]

First of all, don't consider yourself a raving lunatic b/c of your feelings. I think that the feelings you are having a perfectly natural, given teh situation,. It is only natural to feel the way that you do and every once in a while, to feel out of control, curious and overwhelmed.

That being said, I think that you need to take it slow and really try to let "life happen." Only time will tell you if he is completely detached from this gal, if you are completely comfortable with everything and if you can move forward with him. I agree to "set him free" and let him make his choices, b/c those will tell you how to move on in your life.

At the same time, have you taken time to evaluate how you feel about him and if the two of you have fixed what was "broken." I know that you aid you were working on things that you didn't work on before and I think that is great! Sometimes a separation helps you to focus and remember what was great so that you take the effort to fix the things that weren't. Are you otherwise happy with him? Is this your only issue?

As far as she goes, it seems as thought they might have been together for a while (given the vacation and the "l" word" usage), right? That might just take time for him to break off b/c they were together for a while. I will say this: asking things about her and learning details etc., is not going to do you any good. The more you know, the more you have to worry about. If you trust him, let him deal with it without giving you detail. I don't think you should be in the dark, but I do think that you should lessen the worry on your part by just letting him deal with the details. After all, it is his issue to deal with, you know? That is just my opinion.

I hope that things work out for you, one way or another. I hope that you find happiness and that you can find peace in this situation. Just remember not to be so hard on yourself for your emotions! You are in a tough spot and you deserve to have the feelings that you have - they give you a great excuse to exercise and work off the stress!

Good Luck
Christine