irritating issues

T

tytbody

Cathlete
I usually hate the family stuff but since everyone else does it, let me see what kind of replies I get.

I have a step-daughter of whom I do not want to talk to. Reason being her father was a cheater and I really don't want to be involved with any part of that family. She wants to keep in touch with me and I don't want to hear from her because it reminds me of him. She has called me and told me she also has cheated and is getting married in June. She wants me to come to the wedding. What do I do?? i really can't stand to hear from her because I immediately get flash backs of her father. I know I must be having issues but what kind? What he did was difficult enough for me to get over but why does she insist on putting herself in my life?? I want them gone. Get the hell away from me.I don't care what you do but she wants to talk to me like a friend. I don't even answer the phone when I don't recognize the number because she does not even use a phone number under her name.

Sorry but I'm irritated by this and I don't know what to do.:( Any thoughts. ;( :-( x(
 
For how many years was she your step-daughter and how old is she now? Were you involved in raising her?
 
4 years. She's 30ish now. Not sure exactly the age but I know she's 30 something. She did not live with us at the time. I can't figure why she likes me so much.
 
Hmm, I would just be honest. "Thanks so much for your continued interest in me, but my relationship with your father was very painful and any reminder of it is still painful."

That seems kinda weird, because she is so much older.... it would be different if you raised her, or if she were a youngster.
 
Oh, I see. Obviously, if you raised her from a child, it would be quite different. Did she ever relate to you like a mother?
 
I am reading a book on Feng-shui and it says to dump any negative friendships you might have (you know the ones where you dread the phone call and the meeting everytime bc it brings nothing but negativity to the table). She really isn't blood relation, & if it causes that much pain..........I would be honest and open with her about it. Tell her exactly what you just said above and let her know how you know its not her fault but for the present time there is too much pain in having a relationship with her...that is my two cents
 
I agree w/Marie. Just be honest and tactful with her. Make sure she knows it's not personal, but that you're moving on w/your life & you don't need reminders of a painful past.
 
When we met, I did know her as a child. I think she was 12 or so. I knew her and was with her when we had to decide she should get an abortion which is/was a very hard time for all. I have been divorced/separted from the father since 1993. He has since married the women he was with before me. Now what the heck do I want that in my life for? Why can't she see, that I know it's not her fault but to call me and tell me you have also cheated and be so braisen to say it must run in the family. Well thanks a lot!!!! Like I want to hear that. I totally hurt again that she even did this. Had the nerve to call and tell me too! Like this is something to be proud of??? I guess I have morals and that issue is a sore spot with me. I would never be so happy to tell someone I went and had sex with an old boyfriend while I'm living with the man I'm to marry in less than 4 months. Geeez. I'm sorry if I'm judging. I just don't live like that. When she calls and asks me to return her calls, I don't. So, I guess I might have to tell her again I really don't want this relationship. But I don't want to hurt her. Softy that I am. I'll keep this in mind though to get rid of the negative energy. Thank you. Thanks for answering.
 
I don't think that you owe her any obligatory relationship. If it is that painful for you, then just politely tell her (I like the way the previous poster stated it) that you are glad that she is moving on with her life and that she is fond of you but that for selfish reasons, you just cannot be friendly with her. I mean, does she expect you to go to the wedding with her father there? I guess that she has some kind of bond w/you and although flattering, you can't let it kill you inside to make her feel better. As for her comments on her cheating...that must have hurt you very badly and I feel for you. (((HUGS)))
 
I have a very similar situation with my ex. I had to cut off all contact. As much as his daughter was friendly and well meaning, I couldn't have anything to do with her--everytime I did, it just reopened all the old wounds from the breakup of the marriage and the divorce. Be honest with about it with her and then move on with your life.
 
how old/young is/was your stepdaughter? Did she understand? Did the x think you were being difficult or anything other then protecting yourself? My x thinks I shouldn't take out what he did on everyone in his family. Well they mean jack squat to me so to me, it should not matter.
 
Do you not like the daughter just because of her father? Maybe you could just tell her that you have to sever the ties because it causes you too much pain. Don't make it about her, maybe just tell her that at this point in your life, you can't be reminded of her father. Maybe later things will change.
 
It sounds to me that she has issues stemming from her parenting BEFORE you were involved in her life, that she realizes it, and that she looks up to you because you were a stabilizing factor for her during 4 VERY CRUCIAL years in a girl's life. I am quite sure she is NOT proud of the fact that she is a cheater and she is trying, ineptly, to convey (and I am also fairly certain this is foggy in her own mind) that circumstances of her youth have molded her into what she is now. Be clear that I am NOT condoning her behavior, but from what I gather, her actions (although rather ineffectively) state that she is not satisfied with her morals as they are and is still looking towards you to provide some guidance she can't get anywhere else....even from herself.

She is probably still so emotionally immature that it can't even cross her mind that you will be hurt/angry/shocked to be reminded of this painful period in your life.

You are now presented with one of these very difficult "opportunities" in your life to improve as a person and to help someone else. It's these kinds of events that make or break what a person can be in this life and their contribution to the world. OF course, it's much easier to close off and say "I can't do this now", but if you can find it in yourself to spend some time with her (not necessarily the wedding) you may heal a bit more from a painful period in your life as well as help someone else heal.

Just my thoughts.....I know this is difficult to you.
 
It seems a little bit odd that she wants to keep you in her life. Doesn't she have any friends? Some people just like to keep in touch with others. Maybe she thinks you are a great person and she doesn't want to lose you as a friend. Maybe the only role models she has around are like her father. If I were her I would certainly keep people that are trustworthy around. However it is your decision. If you would like her as a friend then you shouldn't mix the fact that she's your ex's daughter with the friendship. What is stopping you to keep her as a friend the fact that she's the daughter of your ex only? Or the fact that she also cheated and you can't respect her because of that? I also wanted to say that if you change your mind and decide to have a friendship with her you shouldn't go to her wedding. You know your ex is going to be there and it's pretty obvious that what he did is fresh in your memory. Take care.
 
I have to admit I was thinking the same things as Epona. She is not her father. It sounds like you were a mother figure in her life during a very difficult period. Does she even have a mother? You may even be the closest thing to a mother that she has.

I have a stepson and I treat him just like a son. If I split from his father, I wouldn't expect to cut him out of my life. Even though I met him when he was an adult, I'm a parental figure and I've been there for him through some rough times. The way I see it, you can divorce a spouse, but never a child, even if the child is an adult. Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps.
 
thank you all. Great advice. From what i see that you all have told me. She respects me. She trusts me and she also sees me as a *mother figure.* Therefore, I need to put her actions in check. It hurts me when women cheat and men cheat. I need to let her know this behavior should not go on. I was trying to be her *friend* by saying just * oh ya.* but in my heart I was very hurt for her fiance. He turns his back and she goes to another lover. She was just waiting for this opertunity. I knew she would do it but is she finished? Does this behavior stop? I was thinking of going to the wedding but I guess that would not be a good thing to do. Seeing as the x will be bringing his wife. To me the aisle walk was a sacred thing. How the heck am I also to feel when I have flashbacks of when it was him and I? Sure I've been and can go to other peoples weddings but her's and seeing him in there in church, before God, just does not sit right with me. Do you think she should come clean and tell her future husband she did this? I don't want you all to see me on Maury or Jerry Springer. lol
 
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