Bad Marriages

[lorihart]

I had to share last night experience with you guys.
I have been happily married for 3 years and I know its only early but we do have a great relationship and I think we will live the rest of our lives together.But I guess the years change people and children sometimes can make a marriage harder.
We went out last night with another couple.I run with this lady and my DH knows her hubby anyway.We never did hang out with them b/c they are older then us but since I have started running with her I have invited them to a few parties and they have alot of fun.They are very socialable people.
She is thin and very pretty.I think she is 5'6" and 108 lbs She always looks nice,and she takes very good care of herself.He is on the heavier side,not as good looking and needs some work done on his teeth.I am not saying all of this to be materialistic but I need for you guys to get the pitcure.
When I call her he as already started drinking (at work)I guess when the office is closed they break open a few bottles.She calls him to see if he is comming home and he is not so we just meet him where we are going.We get there and he is already there(quite drunk at this time)She goes and stands up next to him and we(me and DH) find some people we know and just chat for a minute.I then found my way over to her and her DH is ignoring her somewhat.She looks at me and says "he always ingnores me" and shurgs it off.
We then go and get a table,while he is still sitting at the bar.(we are at a pub)We are there for about 30-40 min before he finds his way over.Then we sit there and he barely talks to her.I think he got sick and went to the bathroom.We had him missing for ages.When he does come out of the bathroom he goes and sits at the bar again.She just sat and talked with us for hours while her idiot of a husband wanders around.
He finds his way over after,when it is time to go home.He tells her that he is going home and doesn't ask her if she is comming.But she follows him home.
I feel so bad for her b/c I think that she still loves him while he wants out.I have never really been around people in bad marriages before and it strikes me kinda weird.She is sort of private about her life and I don't think she wants to admit that her marriage is failing.She told me last summer that they were having problems.I think it as only gotten worse since then.
DH and I spoke about it today and he totally agreed.I also said that if they broke up she wouldn't be single for long.She is VERY attractive while he is not as attractive.
They have been together for alomost 20 years and they are only 35 and 37.
I don't know if I should ask her how they are doing b/c I don't want her to think that I am being nosey.But at the sametime I want to let her know that she can talk to me if she wants.I don't think that she as that many friends.And then at the sametime,who knows ,she may be torture to live with.
Have anyone else been in this sort of situation before?
Lori

 

[Mckmain]

Hi Lori....yes I have been around marriages that seem bad. Nothing quite like that one you described though. Alcohol can cause so many problems as I know from my own 23 year old marraige. I would suggest as you do run with your friend, that maybe on a long run you could just ask her how things are going. I have found that some people feel comfortable talking and some don't. I do think you are a wonderful person for caring and wanting to help. Just don't be upset if she doesn't want to talk about it. As a runner myself I have some truly good friends like you and we have all confided in each other over the years during our long training runs! I know for me, it aways makes me feel better when someone wants to listen and try to help.....good luck and I hope you can help her......Carole

 

[rcook]

I don't know about the bad marriage part, but this man has a drinking problem, probably an alcoholic, plus that he probably has low self-esteem. It sounds to me like she knows this and is doing what she knows to do.
I could be wrong, but I used to have a drinking problem myself and know how it feels, that was 10 yrs ago.
Hubby stuck it out with me, we have been married now almost 23 yrs.
I hope this man gets the help he needs......... Rhonda

 

[clareMc]

Lori:

I am sorry I have never been around people in bad marriages. I can't offeer anything here. Keep some distance though. remember, it is their bad marriage, not yours. To the extent that anything is done about it, it has to come from them. What I think is great is that you are a caring and observant person. If you can let her know that you are there for her should she want to talk about it, as you suggest, I think that is the way to go for now. Change only occurs because people want it and embrace it. maybe she will eventally get fed up with being a doormat and regain some sense of their being other things in life. She is sooo young still, she can get out and start life again and have so much to look forward to. Be there for her, for the dark and lonely times, and help her as is needed.

You sound like a great friend to have. She is lucky.

Clare

 

[lorihart]

Thanks guys.
I just finished running with her then.Her DH (for lack of a better word) is still in bed.I think he drank to much. I don't think he has a drinking problem b/c he doesn't go out alot.I think they just like having a drink when the offive is closed on fridays...and who knows maybe he does have a problem.
When she mentioned last summer that they were having problems, she pretty much said that it was b/c of their teenager.He was haiving trouble dealing with the fact that their teenager started dating and she was being hard to get along with.It brought alot of stress to their lives and I don't think that they were agreeing on how to decipline her.And if kids see the parents not agreeing on their punishments,then you can be certain that they will milk that for what its worth!
So,I think thats where their problems started.I don't know if they ever reconnected.
When we were running I wanted to say..are you guys o.k. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.So I think I will let the subject come around on its own or let her bring it up.
Like I said,I just find it weird b/c I am so happy and I just wish that everyone else could be like us:7
Lori ( I guess DH is happy...he tells me he is}(

 

[robyn6002]

As someone who marriage DOESNT work for... married for 5 years divorced for 13.. I just wasnt meant for marriage... VERY happy as single Mom... and my kids like it that way too... friendly with the ex.. like guys just NOT marriage.

When I was married I didn't tell anyone we had problems... it was really hard for me to talk about it.. I'm a strong person and why couldn't I make it work. Being married was the most unhappy time for me.. but happily we had 2 great kids.. and we are good friends now... my daughters college essay (and she got into her 1st choice) was on dont feel sorry for me .. my parents divorce didn't ruin me it actually made me a strong, sympathetic, understanding person. (Brought tears to my eyes)...

Putting myself in her shoes the fact that you are very happy would make it even harder to talk to about it. Its hard to explain but i think it would be easier to talk if she knew you could relate.. there definetly is a feeling of falure involved... Also I hate to say it but often what a person needs to get through a divorce is someone of the opposite sex. Not saying something has to go on.. but still the oppostie sex thing helps...

Anyhow just my .02

 

[Jane P]

I would say continue running with her and let her open up if she wants to, but don't push it. Let her know you're available if she wants to talk, but don't make her feel that she must talk. She may not be ready yet. Also I would stop socializing with them as a couple.

You cannot live her life for her or solve her problems. Only she can do that. What you CAN do is be available for her when she decides she's had enough.

 

[lorihart]

Thanks for the advice.
We live in a small town where everyone knows everybody.And if there aren't rumors flying around about you....well,sometimes people will make things up.Thats why I stay home and stay out of trouble. I don't know if she can trust me well enough yet to tell me her problems.She might think I will tell, ya never know.If I had something personnel to share,I would be very selective in who I confine in.
I was talking to my sister in law today and she knows them quite well.Or did.Her ex husband use to work with my running partners husband.My sister in law said that they use to be the same way when she knew them.And that was 8 yrs ago.Before they had their second child.
Who knows, maybe they are fine.MAybe this is the way their relationship as always been and its normal for them.If thats the case I am glad thats not normal for us.I didn't see much normal about it, but to each their own.
Thanks again,
Lori