Depression Help

jenmgo

jenmgo

Cathlete
As many of you know, I had a baby girl back in february. I love being a mommy and I have never been happier. I love every second of every day with my little one.

I have been lucky to have 12 weeks off for my leave. However, my leave is coming to an end. The thoguht of returning back to work is causing me to get super depressed. The thought of leaving my baby with a stranger and being away form her for a long time also makes me so upset. My shift is a 12 hour one and having to be away from my baby is killing me. We have been together pretty much 24/7 since she was born

I know what every cry, noise and expression means. I know what she is about to do before she does it. Noone knows her and noone can soothe her like I do. I'm afraid of missing some firsts while she is being watched by someone i have never met.

I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom. I dont mind working from home. I just want to be with my baby and raise her and not have to send her to daycare.

I have feelings of depression and they feel stronger with each passing day. My DH and I both have the same jobs - and that job is dangerous and risky. I dont think it is fair to the baby for both of her parents to have to put on bullet proof vests every day. My outlook on things has changed dramatically since I had my baby

I have huge feelings of dread at the thought of returning to work. I get depressed and i cry multiple times a day. Im sure my DH is sick of it.

I dont know how to deal with this. I do not want to leave my baby. I am having such a hard time. I do know i have many blessings in my life and many things to be thankful for. I have been praying since I got pregnant for God to open a new door for me. I dont know if he will answer it the way I want it to be answered. I want to stay home with my baby and work from home to make that happen. Im trying a buseinss right now but its not bringing in enough..not yet. I dont know if it ever will but i know it wont happen by mid may, when i hvae to return to my job. We cannot afford to have me stay home and not work.

Ugh..sorry for the long post. Im just so upset over all of this. I knew the day would come when i had to go back but i thought my 12 weeks would last forever...
 
Jen--I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had the same feelings of sadness and guilt when I had to return to work when my first baby was little. I was able to become a stay-at-home mom after my second son was born, but honestly, I often believe that I had more quality time with Oliver when he was in daycare. When your kids are in daycare, you really savor the time you have with them. Nothing is taken for granted. When you stay home, oftentimes, you get busy around the house and do take that time for granted. It will be really hard for the first few weeks, but gradually, as you get to know his caregivers and the other mommies, you'll relax more. You'll savor your evenings and weekends and that special time when you pick your baby up and she smiles from ear to ear just because mommy has come to get her.

You won't miss any "firsts" because they won't count unless you see them. Sometimes daycares let you leave disposable cameras so that the workers can document any special "firsts," but I always wanted to see those firsts for myself.

As for the depression, if it gets strong, talk to your OBGYN and he/she can refer you to someone or prescribe you something. I had postpartum depression with my second and had to take something for it for a short while, and it made life MUCH easier.

Know that you're not alone. Even if sometimes you feel like you are. You can lean on us!! ((Hugs))
 
Have you talked to your DH about this? Is there any way you guys could work it out so that you could work while DH watches the baby and vice versa? I'm so sorry you're feeling all of this. I know how difficult it is. I did end up quitting my f/t job when I had my first because I went through all the emotions you are feeling right now. We made a lot of sacrifices, but we survived. Maybe sitting down and talking with DH on a plan might help you guys figure out what your options are then go from there. Thinking of all that "might" happen when and if you go back to work might be making you more depressed. Try to take it one step at a time by first having a serious talk with your DH and see what you guys come up with. I'm so sorry you are feeling all of this. We're here for you. I also second Steph about talking to your OB/Gyn if the depression gets too much.

Lisa
 
hey (((((jen)))))))
....s & l gave you advice already....but wanted to offer a hug! im sure this is very difficult for you!
 
Jen... Hang in there. Stephanie and lisa gave some good advice. I don't really have any advice- just wanted to say that your baby girl is very lucky to have you as a mom. and hopefully it will get easier. the job that you and your hubby has is so important to the community and when your baby gets older- she will be so proud of you and her dad.
 
I pretty much agree w/ Stephanie. I stay at home too (but work out of my home when DH gets home in the early morning and evenings) and I am so busy doing chores and all the other stuff that you are there to look at and criticize that I probably don't spend as much quality time w/ my 3 kids as I should. When I worked in HR outside the home I rushed right home each evening and spent lots of time with them and only did chores on weekends or late nights. If you are home all day, you tend to "find" things to do; at least I do.

Or, is there something you can do from home that would be lucrative? I specifically sought out personal training and got certified for the purpose of working out of my home...thoughts on what you could possibly do?? You know, I did find that I make more money in training from home than I did in human resources for a hospital...just saying....

I am SOOOO Sorry you are so depressed. I totally understand. :(


Give your pretty baby a hug for me. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
 
So sorry Jen. Big hugs. I hope you adjust ok or else find some way to work out your schedules. My brother and SIL do that to where one is working and one is home with the kids. I'd think personal training would be a good idea like Clarissa said.
 
Jen. Has it seriously been 12 weeks already? Wow, goes so fast.

You are not alone. I cried when I went back to work too. Even when my kids were older I cried, ....and I know long days has not made it better. Is there any way you can work a different shift? ....a more family-friendly shift?

As far as childcare goes, & it might be too late for this suggestion.... but we found a "grandma" in our church that just watched Justin. We trusted her & she loved having Justin around. It was much different than leaving at a daycare setting. I wish I would have thought to do that with my eldest son.

*sigh*, eventually it WILL get easier. I love being a mommy, but know that I am also a provider to my kids. Part of being a mommy to them, is to provide for them their needs,...by working outside the house where I am trained. When you are at work, you are still a mom!!!
 
Jen, I agree with Jess and Clarissa...I think you'd make an excellent personal trainer. Or how about daycare? Is that something you could do in your home? In the town I live in (it's pretty small), daycare is pretty competitive (to get a spot in one, that is). I've had a couple of friends quit their full-time jobs to set up daycares in their homes so they could stay home with their babies. They're all at capacity and I think bringing in good money.

Tana
 
Jen,

You have our support. My first baby is not due til October, but I'm already dreading the end of maternity leave. It's such a personal decision, so no one can tell you what to do, but I know everyone on this forum empathizes, supports, and is here for you if you just need to vent.

All the best,
Dawn
 
I'm 22 weeks and was in tears over this same thing last night. I have a good job (I'm a nurse) and a lot of people supported me to get me where I am today. But, if I could stay home full time, I would. It actually makes me hate my job.

I know that I won't be able to stay home, so I'm just trying to find ways to lessen the time away the baby. I work 2nd shift and hubby is mostly on days. My aunt will watch the baby for few hours if my husband can't be home in time.

Any way you could do part time?

As for your job being dangerous...I can see where that would concern you. If you can't stay home at this point, are these other jobs you qualify for that at least aren't dangerous?
 
If you can swing it, quit your job. Cut down on expenses and then find another job part time that you can do when DH is home. Even if you earn less money, you won't be paying for child care. If you can't financially do it, remember your child will be ok. Also identify do your fears stem from any past issues you have from your childhood? Sorry, I am a therapist so I do dig deep. But overall, sometimes you just need to listen to your gut ! Good luck.
 
hi all, thank you for the support and suggestions
i submitted a letter today to go part time. they are not giving anyone part tiem status but i was told to put in a letter up the chain of command. so i'm waiting to hear back.

i've been doing a lot of praying, thinking, crying etc..and talking alot to my husband. He would like me to go back fulltime but he sees he it breaks my thought and how miserable i've become. He said he will support whatever I do and somehow, we will find a way to get by.

Our finances are already in the crapper. We may lose our home. I have so many other bad things happening, yet I cant seem to justify that by going back to work full time. My heart is telling me i need to stay with the baby. So, instead of flat out quitting, i am compromising and hopng to go parttime.

DH works the nite shift, and hopefully my hours can be super flexible. The bad things is, i'll still be on the road in a dangerous position, but i lose my retirement and all my benefits by going part time. The good thing is less hours away from baby, and we may have eliminated the need for daycare. The other bad thing is my check will be cut by ALOT :( We already struggle financially


I do not know how to cut down on any further expenses. I wish I could get rid of my car, i have a 3 years lease and still have 2 years left. That would help a lot. Everything else is the mortgage, car insurance, stupid overpriced HOA fees, electircty/water and food. I really dont do much shopping other than at the grocery store and we never go anywhere for entertainment. When we do, its pretty rare. We pretty much never eat out. We are pretty boring.

The killer is the child support my husband pays for children from his first marriage. If we did not have that life would be easier, but it is what it is...

Im trying to do stuff from home but it has not brought much in. definately not enough to where i could stop working all together to supplement the income. but time will tell..

SHopaholic...um no, no past childhood issues! lol. Not sure what you meant by that. I had a good childhood. My mom was a stay at home mom until i was about 12 and that is a very special thing to be able to do. I would love to do that and hope to obtain that goal soon but its hard given the financial straits we are in...

THank you for the comments everyone. I just now have to put my faith in God and keep it there! That He will provide, as He always has. I know it might get rough. I will have to rack my brain to think of how to cut back on our expesnes. I guess if i lose my home, that will be one less thing to worry about as far as a bill goes lol...sigh....
 
Oh Jen. I bet it's difficult not to get bitter about the child support issues! I know you've already thought about this,...but can you take on childcare at the house? There are lots of people who do daycare and make alot of money...plus you can claim a portion of your mortgage, electricity, heat, garbage, food, etc...

We once had a daycare lady for Jory who lived in a $400K house! Her husband was a math teacher at the local high school. She watched 14 kids (max per licensing law)....and I paid her over $400/month just for my one child!!!!! This was 12 years ago or so.

Your decision is a tough one. And it may take years before you know if the decision you make is the correct one. (hugs)(hugs) coming your way!!!!!
 
Jen-from reading more, my assessment is your priorities have changed to be there for your child . That is good. By childhood issues, i meant abuse/neglect. Often with people with these histories the issue becomes trust and complete fear of leaving ones child with a stranger. Glad this is not the case for you. Sounds like you are emotionally healthy, just want to be there with your baby.
 
jen, if you want it bad enough MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! downsize the house, the car, whatever.
if you turn in the car early youll prob have a penalty fee but weigh it out over long term. lesser payment/no payment
daycare could be a great option for you

make it happen, woman!:D
 
jen, i bet going down to one car would help A LOT. im sure theres a way to get out of the lease even if its costs a little. totally worth it in the end. no lease payments, insurance for only 1 car instead of 2, and the GAS you will save, oh my! doyou live in an area where you can walk to do errands? thats what i do but i realize that is not possible everywhere...

wendy

ETA: i see kate said the same thing before me. totally agree, look at what the penalty would be to get out of the lease and i bet it will still be a savings over the long term.
 
THank you all..i might look into seeing what it costs to break the lease. The thing is i dont really have a lot of extra money right now and its very tight here.

I am racking my brain to see how else to downsize as was suggested to me - my husband has a car, but its small and not expensive, same with mine. We are not very flashy. Our home is pretty small too, but we might be in danger of losing it becuase our payments went up by 800 a MONTH otu of nowhere, on a fixed mortgage! (They messed up the taxes when we bought and now they are sticking it to us). We appleid for a loan mod back near xmas time and have yet to get a response, so i havent paid the mortgage in over three months :( Its all up in the air. If they evict us, then we could downsize to an apartment or rent a bigger home for cheaper, wiht the way the market is. but im already going thru one foreclosure and im getting sued and being taken to court next month becuase we could not sell our home in VA after buying here in FLA. Eve tho it had 4 offers the bank would not accept as a shortsale..but that is a whole other can of worms i wont get into

I am trying to work out of the home doing some admin stuff. i made a little money but not enough to supplement the income. Maybe it will pick up, i only started a couple weeks ago. That was my hope - to make enough at home and still be home to raise her. But so far its not working out ideally.

I dont know what else to downsize. I dont leave on electronics or anything plugged in when im not using it. I only do one load of wash a week. I dont run the AC too much, just enough to cool the house (its so hot here in fla right now). Groceries get pricey I guess but we always run out of food by the end of the week. I really dont know what else i could cut back on. We never go out to eat, we never go out on dates or do things that cost money. Its very rare when we take a trip.

I will keep at it, thanks for the suggestions ladies
 
jen, i feel for ya for sre! youve got a sucky hand dealt to ya right now....but you can get thru it!
i know how you feel wanting to be w/ eva....i feel the same way about my dds...
good for yyou on the admin stuff!!
hang in there and vent away!
 
Jen--I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know it's hard to fathom, but I'd just try to do daycare for a couple of months see how it goes. It will be hard at first, but it should get better. If it's too hard to bare, then reassess. That's just my opinion. It was really really hard for me to put my oldest in daycare at first, but it really did get better. I also went in early and left early so that I could try to pick him up by 4:30 each day. Maybe your boss would let you amend your hours? Keep us posted.
 
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