Advice urgently needed - really distraught
- Thread starter Fitnik
- Start date
Dear Fitnik
I am at a loss for words...my heart feels heavy for you and your situation. While I am not familiar with your cultural background and, thus, all else that factors in to this, I can't help at being perplexed at the lack of comprehension of your husband for that ramifications of this situation...even if you weren't pregnant.
Pardon my ignorance yet desire to help...any chance that if she is not working you and your husband could utilize her as FREE childcare, housecleaner, cook, etc. - anything whereby it might help her "earn" her way? I'm trying to be realistic as she will have had her own first child but none the less, women have done what seems impossible when there are not other options.
I love my DH who I think is exceptionally sensitive yet every once in a while he shows a level of ignorance that makes me question his ability to walk on two feet instead of all fours.
I don't know what to say except that I will pray for you and your family and PLEASE try and focus on the amazing experience that you are about to embark on. Also, it will be interesting to see how your DH's perspective may change when your SILs child is born. It may shed some light and the idea of TWO young children in the house, one of whom isn't his, may be overwhelming enough for him to make some changes.
Please keep us posted and know that we are hear - even if only to listen.
Your friend in fitness, TAMMYSPQ
I am at a loss for words...my heart feels heavy for you and your situation. While I am not familiar with your cultural background and, thus, all else that factors in to this, I can't help at being perplexed at the lack of comprehension of your husband for that ramifications of this situation...even if you weren't pregnant.
Pardon my ignorance yet desire to help...any chance that if she is not working you and your husband could utilize her as FREE childcare, housecleaner, cook, etc. - anything whereby it might help her "earn" her way? I'm trying to be realistic as she will have had her own first child but none the less, women have done what seems impossible when there are not other options.
I love my DH who I think is exceptionally sensitive yet every once in a while he shows a level of ignorance that makes me question his ability to walk on two feet instead of all fours.
I don't know what to say except that I will pray for you and your family and PLEASE try and focus on the amazing experience that you are about to embark on. Also, it will be interesting to see how your DH's perspective may change when your SILs child is born. It may shed some light and the idea of TWO young children in the house, one of whom isn't his, may be overwhelming enough for him to make some changes.
Please keep us posted and know that we are hear - even if only to listen.
Your friend in fitness, TAMMYSPQ
LizN
Cathlete
Fitnik:
I really feel for you! A similar situation happened to me in my first pregnancy. We had been trying for years and seeing fertility specialists when I miraculously fell pregnant. My whole family were so excited. Then it was revealed that my sister (who was teenage at the time and is now a really irresponsible drug addict) was pregnant too. Our kids are only a few weeks apart in age and my DD has really missed out on any attention from her grandparents because they have been neck deep trying to look after this child and sort out my sister's problems. ugh!
Anyway, it sounds like your SIL is being a really manipulative so and so, and the boundaries need to be set with her and your DH (what you will tolerate and so forth). You need to be really clear in what you will and won't accept. Having some counselling may help you determine the best way to approach this..sounds like you really need some back up here. Remember, your SIL is responsible for her own actions (and boy is she riding the gravy train at the moment), which means she should grow up and take responsibility for her own situation!
In the meanwhile, you are responsible for your own behaviour and actions (you're the master of your domain!) and if telling her to get off her backside and leave in some shape or form would give you your life back then I would feel free to do so!
Sorry if this sounds all rather headstrong, I just hate to see obviously good natured and kind hearted people being taken advantage of at one of the most important times of your life!
Hang in there,
Liz N
I really feel for you! A similar situation happened to me in my first pregnancy. We had been trying for years and seeing fertility specialists when I miraculously fell pregnant. My whole family were so excited. Then it was revealed that my sister (who was teenage at the time and is now a really irresponsible drug addict) was pregnant too. Our kids are only a few weeks apart in age and my DD has really missed out on any attention from her grandparents because they have been neck deep trying to look after this child and sort out my sister's problems. ugh!
Anyway, it sounds like your SIL is being a really manipulative so and so, and the boundaries need to be set with her and your DH (what you will tolerate and so forth). You need to be really clear in what you will and won't accept. Having some counselling may help you determine the best way to approach this..sounds like you really need some back up here. Remember, your SIL is responsible for her own actions (and boy is she riding the gravy train at the moment), which means she should grow up and take responsibility for her own situation!
In the meanwhile, you are responsible for your own behaviour and actions (you're the master of your domain!) and if telling her to get off her backside and leave in some shape or form would give you your life back then I would feel free to do so!
Sorry if this sounds all rather headstrong, I just hate to see obviously good natured and kind hearted people being taken advantage of at one of the most important times of your life!
Hang in there,
Liz N
Stebby
Cathlete
Fitnik, I can't really add anything to the excellent advice you've received already, except to remind you that you do not need to go along quietly with your DH's wishes -- the decision on what to do is at least 50% yours (I say "at least" because you are entitled to some special consideration, being pregnant). Does your DH understand all the financial implications of supporting two extra people ... four instead of his own two that he was expecting to support? Is he perhaps being overly protective of his sister (maybe he truly feels that without him she will be destitute, which is hardly the case given that she is obviously manipulative and will get by somehow)? And what about this boyfriend in Nigeria? Does he not have a legal obligation even though he is in another part of the world? I really feel for you; this is a horrible situation to find yourself in.
just a hug...
I don't have any advice, but I know you could use a huge hug and some validation for your feelings right about now... and, from what you've told us, I think you are probably right about the timing and her knowing the whole time.
Can MIL help at all??
Hope your SIL comes to her senses and has a big reality check really soon. Family or no family, it isn't fair of her to load all of this on you guys!
Susan
I don't have any advice, but I know you could use a huge hug and some validation for your feelings right about now... and, from what you've told us, I think you are probably right about the timing and her knowing the whole time.
Can MIL help at all??
Hope your SIL comes to her senses and has a big reality check really soon. Family or no family, it isn't fair of her to load all of this on you guys!
Susan
RE: just a hug...
You have been given some great advice here, so I really have nothing further to add, except that you are a lawyer and that could be a huge advantage in the future.
My heart goes out to you fitnik, I can't even imagine the stress you are under. After the birth of our first little girl my husband was less than stellar as a husband (you've got the baby and I'll be out with the boys) and I know that sickening feeling of the future being so uncertain because you are waiting for someone else to make decisions about what they are going to do. I knew what I could and could not live with. What a helpless and dire feeling that is, I so remember it. My dh made a decision that I could live with (bye-bye so much friend time) and we have a great family now and I have a feeling that your dh is not going to give you and his child up for the sake of girl that is playing him, sister or not! Hang in there, it will all work out, I promise.
You have been given some great advice here, so I really have nothing further to add, except that you are a lawyer and that could be a huge advantage in the future.
My heart goes out to you fitnik, I can't even imagine the stress you are under. After the birth of our first little girl my husband was less than stellar as a husband (you've got the baby and I'll be out with the boys) and I know that sickening feeling of the future being so uncertain because you are waiting for someone else to make decisions about what they are going to do. I knew what I could and could not live with. What a helpless and dire feeling that is, I so remember it. My dh made a decision that I could live with (bye-bye so much friend time) and we have a great family now and I have a feeling that your dh is not going to give you and his child up for the sake of girl that is playing him, sister or not! Hang in there, it will all work out, I promise.
Thank you
Thank you so very much for your advice and support. The situation is truly overwhelming right now and has caused a lot of confrontation with my DH over the weekend - it is extremely difficult with too many aspects to articulate in writing. It is all proving to be deeply painful for me (and, incidentally, my DH) and is causing the sort of strain I never thought would even arise for us.
I am really struggling right now to see the way forward and am just taking an hour at a time. But I just really wanted to say thank you for your concern and advice which is so very much appreciated.
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
Thank you so very much for your advice and support. The situation is truly overwhelming right now and has caused a lot of confrontation with my DH over the weekend - it is extremely difficult with too many aspects to articulate in writing. It is all proving to be deeply painful for me (and, incidentally, my DH) and is causing the sort of strain I never thought would even arise for us.
I am really struggling right now to see the way forward and am just taking an hour at a time. But I just really wanted to say thank you for your concern and advice which is so very much appreciated.
Your friend in fitness, Fitnik