A Question of friendship

L

lorihart

Cathlete
HI Everyone,
Everytime this comes into my mind I get really pissed.I often think about it when I think of my "friends".If I happen to be working out when it comes into my mind I think about it the whole time.I just did Imax Extreme and I thought about it until I finished and it is still bothering me.
Its not that big of a deal, some may even think it is childish but I need to know what you guys think I should do.(this may get long)Its sort of a test of friendship.
Has you know I am a hairdresser.I met this girl over a year ago.She came to me b/c she wanted her hair done.She always travelled about 3 hours to get her hair done but she was pregante and knew that she needed someone in this town to do her hair.She is one of those people who has to have a big house, travel to another province to buy clothes and her wedding dress....you get my drift.God forbid she say she bought something up the street.We are very different in someways.I am very low maintance.I don't have to look perfect when I leave my house.And I bought my wedding dress right in this town..I liked it and I got a darn good deal to!
I did her hair for a while.She loved what I was doing.Her friend moved home and I started doing her hair to.I started hanging out with them shortly after.But to be honest with you,most of the conversations were about other people,who did what and how much weight someone had gained/lost.(like most of the people in this town)
Shortly after I started doing there husbands hair.Now, I work on commission so you get my drift....
One time she went into the city.She got her hair done in there as sort of a treat for herself..no big deal,didn't bother me.I don't know if I saw her after (hair wise)But we still hung out on a regular basis, and talked everyday.The other girl then started going to the hairstylist in another city(monkey see,monkey do)(there weddings were exactly alike, they even where their hair the same way:eek: )Now I don't even see their husbands anymore.
It bothers me that they don't support me anymore,probably for the simple fact that they don't want to say they get their hair done here.So,I wonder how good their friendship actually is.Like I said, they pretty much talk about everyone,so what makes me any different?
I have also been in social gatherings with them, like stag parties,where I pretty much helped put the thing together but in the end I was just the same as anyone else who had attended the party.I was just a guest, not a close friend.Even at the wedding(The second girl got married)I barely spoke to them alnight.Its like they didn't know me to a certain degree.
I haven't been talking to them much since then.I don't know what to think of a so called friendship or am I just blowing this way out of proportion? Last year we bought christmas gifts for each other and set the limit at $40, which is alot.This year they spent the same on me but I only spent $20 on them.Why should I spend more?
Now if I approached the first friend on the way I was feeling she could get catty.I just want to know if I did anything wrong? It hurts me to think that I did something.
1)I don't know if I should just ask them if I did anything wrong.
2)leave well enough alone and except them as they are
3)or stop calling them and think of them as someone I just "know"
The thing is is that they still call me to do things.And I don't want to.The last two things..I made up excuses.I wasn't changing my schedule for the two of them.But our husbands hang out together so I can never fully get rid of them,They are like a tag team.
The other thing is,BOTH of them are pregnate,and it will be the same situation as it was before.They need a hairdresser in town b/c they can't be drving 3 hrs to get there hair done.When they do call(and they will)I feel like telling them to go fly a kite.
I am hurt more then anything.They continuosly talk about this other girl we hang out with.Yeah,she has some weird ways but she was the only one who called me when I went away for 3 weeks for traing for my new job.The first weekend I was away ,i was upset on friday evening...I was on the other side of the country from my family,when I opened up my hotel room door there was a big vase of sunflowers in my room and they were from her.It made me realize how different my friendship was from all of them.
Anyway,I just need some advice on this one.We are going to a christmas party tomorrow night and the first friend and her husband will be there.She doesn't know everyone there and I am half tempted to treat her the sameway she treats me in social gatherings.Talk to her but not be next to her alnight.Let her fed for herself.Pretend that she is more of aquaintence(i don't think i spelled that right)
Advice please, thanks for taking the time to read this!:)
Lori
 
Lori, I can feel the pain you're having come pouring out of your words. :(
Maye you could try talking to her in private? Maybe she doesn't even realize she's hurt you? I hope it all works out for you!

Carol
:)
 
Hi Lori,

Wow, this is a tough call. Let me just throw in my two cents.

Sometimes the people we are closest to are the people we tend to take forgranted. I know that I have been guilty of this from time to time. This is not an excuse for behavior, though. I would want my friends to tell me 'hey, I feel slighted and I want you to do X, Y, and Z to help us reconnect and for me to feel special to you again'. Doing something like this does involve some risk on your part. First, you're saying that you're feeling hurt, which could make you feel vulnerable. Second, you're asking for something and you might not get it, which would also hurt and could lead to disappointment. However, there are gains to be had as well, such as the acknowledgement of your feelings and the saving and possible strengthening of your friendship. It's up to you to decide how to proceed. You say that you know friend #1 will get catty, etc. Realize that you are making an assumption (even if you feel it's based on solid information) and if you make decisions based on that assumption, you are not allowing for something different and potentially wonderful to happen. Yes, it could play out exactly as you suspect. And you'll never really know unless you take that chance.

If you do decide to talk to your friends and they have a negative reaction, realize that they are the ones who will be losing out on someone wonderful. As someone who has done a check in with you and has read your posts I feel very confident in saying what a warm and giving person you are. Yes, it will hurt and it could be potentially awkward with your husbands being friends. Ask yourself if you would really want to be friends with people who can't accept hearing criticism and would trash a perfectly wonderful friendship because a shortfall was pointed out to them. Aren't friends supposed to share both the good and bad together?

Not sure if I was helpful at all. Take care of yourself, you are a special lady!
 
Lori:

to be perfectly frank the two women who dominate your story and emotional life seem to me to be total spongers. They are using you and not offering what I call real friendship. I think you feel this yourself, you are being taken for a ride by them. They call you when it is convenient for them, drop you like a hot potato when it isn't. That is not friendship: it is taking someone for granted. And their copy-cat behaviour is straight out of the teen scene, puhleeeeze.... Do you want to spend your precious time and money around/on juvenile bimbettes?

Please consider number three of the three options you list to be the most suitable for restoring your emotional equanimity. You certainly don't need them as "friends". I am not convinced they even know the meaning of the word, heck, they would probably stab eachother in the back. And I think, yes, you are right, if they talk about that third woman they way they do, you can bet your boots they talk cattily about you when you are not there, "hey, that Lori, see how badly she dresses to come out and meet us....." etc, etc.

Do yourself a favour, don't call them, don't buy them gifts you can ill-afford (according to your earlier post of this week), and don't spend anymore time thinking about them. I would offer my friendship and time to the third woman who seems like she might have something genuine to offer.

Whether you decide to keep them as clients is up to you. If you can fit them in your schedule and can remain passive in the face of their bitchiness to other women, then 'suck them dry' would be my advice. Put up your prices as well where they are concerned. After all, they can affford it, and they are also paying for you to be an audience for their bitchy performance.

Friendship is much talked about, but genuine friends are few and far between. They are out there for the discovery, so pass these two up and keep looking elsewhere...

Good luck Lori,

Clare

Edited to add that I believe female good friends to be as important as lovers. Respect yourself and never settle for second best in friendship as in love.
 
You're good, Clare!

Lori, it doesn't sound as if you have a strong connection with these women and that is essential to a deep friendship. They sound a little spoiled and self-centered and that's fine but I'd stick with the friend who sent you sunflowers. Some of the most delightful people I know might be considered weird but in a jam, I know who would be watching my back. I wouldn't waste a minute's energy on them. Keep it casual and light. If you don't want them as clients, that's the beauty of having the choice to kindly let them know that you can't fit them in. If you do choose to keep them as clients, I wouldn't let them speak ill of a good friend and I would let them know in the nicest way that you value your friend who has been so thoughtful and you would prefer to hear nothing negative about her. She's a keeper! In fact, that might be a great way to let them see the contrast between the relationship you have with them and the relationship that has given you the kind of satsisfaction a true friendship brings.

You are warm and funny and delightful. Don't waste that on people who can't appreciate you for the gem you are!

Bobbi
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chicks rule!
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/nosmile/peacesign.gif
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/person/smilejap.gif
 
Lori
I would say these woman are what Ilike to call users They call you when they need somehting from you or when they need to unload I had a friend like this I actually had 2 one was the kind who always talked about other people and mad efun of everything and evryone I pretty much ended this freindship after she laughed at my 5 year old when he was so excited about a new pair of shoes he had gotten and she looked at me and said are you actually going to let him wear them? This was about 16 years ago I od not miss her at all! And feel better not wondering if I was like her cuz I know I am not she was high fashion hi maintenance I guess and me Ioculd care less what i look like unless I am going to a function or work but everyday errand are usually ran in my workout gear! I hada nothet friend who only had time for me when she wanted my help with something say a big party or whatever so i quit calling her because she was always in a hurry to go or if she came over for a visist she always had to leave to go somewhere better Just recently she started callin me again she actually had no agenda just said she missed me! I was shocked and gladly accepted her back into my life I really enjoy going pout w/hera nd her husband as my hubby likes him too I am happy to do anything I however was not going to attempt to call her I am not sure if this helps you But I think you are actually to nice for these people I always try to follow the golden rule of treating others how you would want to be treated so at the party tomorrow I owuld be freindly but Iowuld definitely mingle w/everyone I am very lucky as I have 4 sisters and 1 brohter we all live close 1 of my sisters is my twin who lives half a block form me so we are best friends we are lucky to be so close now We were once living in seperate states
Ok oh 1 more thing the third girl you mentionsd sounds super
Lisa
 
Thanks ladies...great advice.I had to partly wonder if I was just being childish or not.
I think these women are alittle spoiled.Now,the thrid one os probably a little spolied to but she was spoiled all of her life so I think that makes a difference.The first one married well.She is only 25 and they already own everything they have.They don't have a mortgage,carpayment...etc
The funny thing is a little while ago her and her mom get into this big fight.I think she is a little jealous over her brothers girlfriend(I like her brothers girlfriend)When her and her mom get into this fight, her mom pretty much told her what she was like...using people...etc.I can't remember what else she said.I couldn't beleive her mom had said this b/c and that time I didn't see it, now I totally do.
When I got back from my 3 weeks of training the two of them had excuses of why they were busy and didn't get a chance to call me.I could care less.By the time I talked to my family and friend number 3 ever night, I didn't have time to talk to anyone else.
When I first moved to this town, I met my hubby and all of his friends.Everyone was awesome.Me and his sister got really close.Then EVERYONE moved.I was left with no onw.So to tell you the truth I wasn't to fussy about who I was hanging around with.I just wanted some friendsships.
She is now trying to plan when we are going to get together to exchange our gifts and go out for dinner.I could care less about that to.Its just as well that I drop the gifts of at her door and say farewell.
Its also funny that the people she talk about are the people I see othing wrong with.She talks about her two sister in laws and those were the ladies I hung out with at the wedding we went to.We had a ball.
Anyway,thanks again..I have to get to work.I will take all of your great advice.
Lori
 
Lori
I agree with Clare. Respect yourself and don't settle for relationships where you don't feel respected or valued. It sounds like you don't have much in common with these two, and that they are "toxic" people. For your own sake, sometimes it's best just to let go. I don't think you owe them any explanation---just let the friendships die gradually by distancing yourself from them.
 
Lisa, I love that you got your son the shoes and delighted in his joy! My middle daughter puts together some pretty kooky stuff but she's so comfortable in her own skin. Of course, she's learned to compromise for her dad. He, the only child with the hyper-critical parents! For him, everything needs to just so or he gets so upset! Unfortunately he's married to someone who grew up with twelve siblings and has three messy kids! Besides, I have never seen an adult who wears bright red cowboy boots with everything he owns and children tend to conform to a certain extent as they get older or they learn to express themselves through how they adorn themselves.

Lori, your friend strikes me as a little sad. A lot of the people I know who have everthing on the outside are empty on the inside. But Suzannaerin is right about toxic people, they take and leave you feeling yucky, for want of a better word. I think you know in your heart that the relationship is an energy sucker. You deserve friends who are as fabulus as you are!
Bobbi
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chicks rule!
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/nosmile/peacesign.gif
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/person/smilejap.gif
 
I had a friend once who was so into material things and always cared so much about status. That really bothered me but I tried to ignore it.

Example: Her brother's girlfriend wore this pretty ring and she was so nervous and jealous that she had a better ring than she did. So she went out and bought a $5000 diamond ring to wear on her right hand. I thought she was nuts! She found out later that the girlfriend's ring was only CZ and she bought that ring for nothing. She even wore it to work all the time and everyone in the office called her "Rings" behind her back. For her wedding she spent $30,000 just for the FLOWERS!!!

She was a very clingy friend also. She hated when I did other things and had other friends. She wanted me to do everything with her and made me feel very smothered all the time. I always felt something wasn't right with the friendship so I just ended it.

It sounds to me like you don't feel right being friends with these people. They are definitely NOT GENUINE FRIENDS!!! You deserve better friends than that. Just stop calling them and think of them as acquaintances.

Good luck and just follow your gut instinct about them. It's always right.
 
Thanks everyone for your kind words.It seems like people around here value my friendship more then the people who know me in person.
I think I am just going to keep them in my social life more so then my personnel life.It would be hard to ignore them all together b/c of our husbands.They have called twice lately to do things and I have said no to both of them.The last time she wanted to go out for dinner but it was short notice and it was a holiday.I came up with an excuse that day.I just wasn't in the mood to be around them.She probably knew I was telling lies.
She is suppose to be at my hubbys party tonight.I think I am going to treat her the same way that she treats me at gatherings.I won't be weird about it but I am not gonna be holding her hand alnight, or talking to her alnight.And you never know what might happen when I get a few drinks in me...I may tell her husband what a nice hair cut he got...
Lori;-)
 
Way to go, Lori! Your first post says it all. (By the way, I agree with Clare, Bobbi and Lisa too).

Sounds like you know sh|t from Shinola! (Have you heard that expression before? I hope so!) So many people don't.

And you are light hearted! Have a fun weekend!

-Connie
 
Nope, I have never heard that experssion before.I am very light heartened.I am one of those people who pretty much gets along with everyone and I rarely see anyones faults.I never read into anything...and I just go with the flow...
Thanks,
Lori
 
Shine-ola is furniture polish. Actually it means you know who is the friend and who are the acquaintences, as you so aptly named them. ;-)
 
Bobbi I laughed at your response Yes my son wore his shoes. When you mentioned the red boots it reminded me of his red sweat pants phase
I like you ahve 3 kids all boys My mother inlaw is definitely hyper critical my husband thank fully is not with the exception of the pants that expose all of your underwear or boxer I am hoping this is just a phase too and past experience tells me it is as my oldest son is 20 now and he always dresses appropriate for the occasion I have learned to fight the real important battles let them dress and wear their haiir as they please as long as they are clean, right now the 17 and 14 year old are in the long hair phase Ilook at this as more money to spend on my hair color,hi lites etc..
Lisa
 
Connie I laughed hear love that expression very appropriate!
I have afriend who has so many expression she makes me laugh
Lisa
 
>Shine-ola is furniture polish. Actually it means you know who
>is the friend and who are the acquaintences, as you so aptly
>named them. ;-)


I thought it was shoe polish (the expression comes from a time when more people had their shoes shined, and the color of this is usually black or --more appropriately in this comparison--brown!)
 
Just an update.She didn't show up at the party...just as I thought.And Is till haven't been talking to her since last saturday.
The other girl called me last night and left a message.Saying that she hadn't been talking to me in a long time and she has been really busy.
Both of them are painted with the same brush.They both leave messages like that.Its not like I have been calling them and can't reach them.I haven't phoned them and they haven't phoned me.I don't give them excuses why I haven't called.I know their not that busy.
Anyway,I had a great time at the party.Party with some real people.And I didn't get home until 5 in the morning!:eek: That doesn't happen very often anymore...I should say it never happens.
Thanks everyone.
Lori
 
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