Am I being selfish here?

hiitdogs

hiitdogs

Cathlete
I am so angry at my parents right now. They just called to wish my husband a happy birthday today and also wanted to talk to me.

During the conversation they said that I should send one or both of my kids over to Germany to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks. Mind you, my kids are only almost 7 and 10 years old and it is a 20 hour flight to a country where they don't even speak the language.

So I said to my parents that I didn't want to send my young kids by themselves on a 20+ hour flight! So all hell broke loose, I was accused of being selfish and that I would deny my kids their heritage. Essentially they were trying to blackmail me that if I didn't send the boys over, they would never come to visit us again.

Am I the one who is being selfish here? What am I missing?

Sorry I am venting here, but I am just about ready to explode!!

Carola
 
Have 2 kids ages 7 & 10 fly to Germany alone???? That's just nuts! I wouldn't put them on a plane alone to fly across this country, let alone a foreign country! Stick to your guns, Chick.

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
I agree, with that distance, your boys are too young to do that flight by themselves.

I don't agree that you are denying their heritage, you are just being a good mother. What's wrong with one or both your parents coming over here for a visit and then taking the boys back with them for a couple of weeks? That way, they can run interferance in the language and customs department.

Also, DH reminded me that there is a HUGE black market for young boys is the sex industry in Europe (not to scare you further). Especially eastern Europe. You are putting your children at the mercy of strangers (flight attendants) when you send them that far. I agree that they need to visit their grandparents, but not at their freedoms' sake!

I think that a small amount of guilt right now for not allowing this is definitely worth not having the unrecoverable guilt if they were kidnapped along the way!!!
 
Hi Carola,
Don't worry, things will work out. The distance thing is tough - I found out when I got married. All my family lives within 15 miles of each other while my inlaws are scattered all over the place. You'll be able to work something out. I think a family vacation would be best, not just sending the kids alone. And you don't have to do it right away. Maybe your folks would even offer to help cover some of the expenses? Give it time . . .

Kathy in Wayne, OH
 
Holy cow, that is a big request to make for kids who aren't even teenagers. I would have said no, too. Maybe when you are feeling less emotional you can write them a letter and just express your point of view that you'd certainly encourage visits when they are older but not until you feel more comfortable with them flying solo for such a long trip.

I'm sorry, for what it's worth.

Marie
 
Sending two very young boys on a 20 hour flight by themselves??? Is that even legal?? That seems like major child endangerment. You're not being selfish, your being a caring parent! What if that flight had to make an unexpected pit stop??? Who would be there for them?? The thought of two boys so young sitting alone on an airplane headed to Germany makes my heart brake! Don't send them! Wait until you can go, too!

As for the guilt trip...nothing but a form of manipulation! Do what I do, laugh at it and brush it off!
 
Carola,

I would feel the same way you do, and there's no way I would send my kids on that kind of trip alone at their ages.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but sometimes when I'm faced with a decision about my girls (who are now 11 and 15), I remind myself that my #1 job is to keep them safe. Then, if I check in with my gut feelings and just can't feel peaceful about something they've been invited to do, I find it easier to "just say no." It's not always easy or popular, but it helps me sort through the decision-making process.

I try to maintain balance, too, and push my own comfort zones. For example, we let our older daughter spend 2 weeks in Spain last summer, touring with a much-trusted teacher and a school group through an established educational travel company. That was hard for us parents, but we also knew it was a valuable growing experience for our daughter.

But that was very different from what you're facing, and again, I simply couldn't put my kids on that airplane under those circumstances, either.

I know it's hard to face your parents' anger. I'm sorry you have to!
Hang in there,
Allison
 
Both of my friend's daughters flew to Israel from the states starting when they were about ten and never encountered a problem. The flight attendants in her experience were quite adept of keeping track of children. One child had so many frequent flier miles she was getting credit card offers at 13. My husband also flew across the U.S. as a youngster in the care of airline staff. It happens daily without incident but I still understand your concern and I would be reluctant to send them alone myself, particularly if they are not accustomed to flying. I don't know how the conversation went, but I think parents don't always mean to blackmail. They probably just sincerely miss your children and ended up overstepping the boundaries. Hopefully when things cool down a comprise can be made that will satisfy everyone.
 
Holy guilt trip, batman! I'm with you - no way would I want my young kids taking that kind of flight alone. You have to trust your instinct and do what you feel is right. It is not selfish at all IMO.


“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” --Ellen Degeneres
 
I know I wouldn't feel comfortable sending children that young so far away by themselves. I suggest taking a deep breath, calling your parents and trying to work out some kind of compromise, including the shared expense of sending an adult with them both ways. Decide at what age you would consider letting your kids travel alone and tell your parents when they reach that age, you would be more than happy to discuss sending them.
 
I think you have a 100% vote in your favor here. No way would I send my DD across the Atlantic by herself now at 14 so I can't blame you for saying no.

So stop feeling guilty. Your parent's will get over it. In time, you can come up with an appropriate compromise that you're comfortable with.


"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
Thanks everyone for reassuring me! I started to feel like I was an overprotective Mom, however, the thought of having my two young boys at the mercy of strangers on a 20+ hour flight cross-continent almost made me cry.

I couldn't believe that my parents would ask for that, not for one moment thinking about the boys, just me, me, me, what's in it for me? I knew my parents were lacking the parenting gene but that's a whole different story.

I have calmed down now, thanks to you guys, there are so many wonderful people on this forum. Don't know what I would do without my Cathe workouts and this forum :)

Thanks again and have a wonderful day!

Carola
 
No way, Jose...I agree with you! I worked for an airline for 13 years (at the ticket counter and gates for 2 years of the 13) and have seen children get "lost" who were supposed to be under the care of the flight attendents and/or gate agents. Parents can pay an extra fee for this care (it is called "Unaccompanied Minor Fee" and applies for children ages 5-11), but it is risky - if the agent looks away for 5 seconds, that kid can take off through the terminal and it can take hours to find them. This SUCKS. Thankfully, it never happened when a child under my care, but it has happened while I was on duty. Not good.

AND, aside from the children possibly getting "lost", with everything going on in the world right now there is no way I would send my kids out of the country alone, regardless of how good of care they were receiving by the airline. To me, that's just common sense. Once they are older (teens) I might *consider* it. Of course, this is coming from someone who doesn't have kids...just a dog. ;)

Dianna

http://www.picturetrail.com/Luv2WorkHard
 
NO WAY.

I know kids of divorced parents do it with the unacompanied minor fee but I just could never do it either.

My DD is 20 and flew alone to Canada and then with a group to France and with 3 friends around Europe but NO way at your kids age.

You did the right thing.
 
You are not being selfish at all!!!!! They are YOUR children that you are responsible for...why don't your parents come and visit the kids? No guilt!
 
Carola-

I hope you are able to communicate to them that for you, it isn't that you don't want your kids to see their grandparents or their heritage, or anything like that. It sounds like the trip itself is what is so scary (and I personally agree), so maybe if you can communicate that to them you can all start on a compromise??

At least, you can keep working on the compromise for another few weeks and then school will be starting again, and you can't pull them out of school... so maybe next year... when they're older... }( ;-)

Good luck!
 
No, you are not being selfish. It sounds like your parents are not being respectful of your parental authority. They need to learn that when it comes to the grandkids, what Mom and Dad say goes. Period, end of story.
-Nancy
 
Selfish? You have got to be kidding!!! There are too many weirdos and bad people out there to be sending your babies off alone. The way the world is today I doubt that I would want to fly alone!!
 
I too don't think you're being selfish; you've made a conscious decision as a responsible parent, and if your parents can't respect that (and obviously they don't), then maybe them not visiting you isn't the worst thing in the world.

Plus - who's supposed to finance this little shindig? Probably not them.

I say wait until your whole family can go to Germany en masse. I'm a little curious why you and your DH weren't invited to begin with.

A-Jock
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top