Why???

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Why does addiction have to be such a huge part of my life? I sit here, drinking alcohol, wondering what to do. No, I am not an addict.........clearly resorting to alcohol to make me feel better, but.....recently found out my brother is heavy into drugs, much more than we thought. He is poised to lose everything due to heroin. We never thought it would get this bad. Always seemed like he was just into weed. Never thought it would progress to this point where he loses everything and is physically ill when he doesn't have it. Looking into an intervention, anyone done that?



I am just so sad right now, I don't know what to do. I get angry sometimes thinking of why I can't just worry about myself, why everyone else has to be so high maintenance. I managed to come out of a not-so-great childhood OK, so why can't anyone else?!! I feel so bad for my brother, so young, and a life that will be so wasted if he cannot get off of this. He doesn't have the courage to admit it yet, but he can't even pay his rent. I want to help so bad, but I can't. I know there is nothing I can do. What can I do??


I just don't think I can bear him going down the same road as my father. How can you live a whole lifetime with an addict and NOT learn better.?? WHY did he have to get into that?? Periodically, maybe for financial reasons my bro is detoxing..he is developing detox symptoms from heroin.



I am sooo angry. I REFUSE to lose him to this! I want to tell him I love him and that I will help him get clean no matter what, but he won't admit it. I have yet to talk to him,but this is what my dad says. Somebody please tell me what to do. I want so desperately to help him, please help me!
 
I'm so sorry to hear this Janice. I have no experience with drug addiction and don't know what to tell you, except sorry.:(
Will he go to a clinic?
Prayer is a powerful thing!:D Best Wishes to you and your family!
Cheryl
 
support. the one thing that is so hard when dealing with an addict of any sort is that you can't give up on them. if you give up on them it gives them the excuse to give up on themselves. at the same time, nothing will happen until they realize something is wrong. my family when through a drug addiction with my sister and we never gave up. you will feel like you want to, like it's hopeless. but DON'T GIVE UP! he needs you now more than ever. let him know you are there.
maddie
 
Ah, Janice, I feel for you. Addiction is tragic but it's not up to you. It's up to him and telling him you love him, support him and want him back is a good place to start. For your own sake, try to develop some detatchment because, in all honesty, many addicts never make it. Three I love dearly have not. Yet. I have learned to focus on keeping my feelings and emotions in check. I can't fix anyone or change anyone but myself. Being available but, with boundaries, that protect from that ever present possibility that they aren't ready, willing or able to overcome. And love him with all your heart. Tell him and tell him and tell him that you love him but make no bones about his being an addict. Tell him you don't want to lose him, but lost he is when he's using. Most of all, be sure to keep faith that he can recover and explore the many resources out there so you can guide him if he wants it to end. I'll be holding both of you in my heart and prayers. Will you share his name? Hold on and hang in there. Where there's life, there's hope.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-Ann Landers
 
Janice,

I just wanted to send a hug your way. I have never dealt with this type of thing so I don't know what advice to give you. I have friends who are recovering alcoholics/drug addicts but I did not know them when they were drying out/detoxing so I unfortunately have no insight for you...

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN

http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
 
Aw Janice! I'm so sorry. I can relate because addiction runs in my family. It is our dark family secret. I know how it feels to have a family member with addiction problems, but I have no idea how to deal with it. You need to have courage to talk to someone you love about their life decisions and about their future if they continue down that path. I know if I ever talk to that person he's going to think I'm being condescending so I choose not to. I'm hoping somebody else will help him or maybe he will realize it one day. I'm not the kind of person that will confront somebody else. I'd rather talk to somebody else that can do it. Which is what I did and it didn't work so I'm hoping for a miracle at this point. And while I've never done an intervention with him I'm always watching and checking him out. (I don't want to lose him either because he's got a lot to live for)

You on the other hand are very courageous and I admire that. I can't give you any advice. I hope you talk to your brother soon, you certainly seem like you have the strength, compassion and love you need to confront him. I wish you the best. **Hugs**
 
Thanks, everyone. I am sorry to be such a whiner, I know many of you deal with this and more everyday. We all can relate to how a little alcohol makes you feel (which is precisely why I don't drink very often, LOL).


I feel an intervention will have to happen soon. He has no money, can't pay his rent, has two dogs.....I feel so bad for the dogs......who will take them when he goes down? I cannot. They are big and pretty unruly (violent at times). I fear that in the pound they will be put down. Truly breaks my heart, but they'll eat my cats. Seems stupid to worry about that, but they are innocent victims!

I think the answer to this one, but would you offer monetary support? I mean, IF I did not give him the cash, but, say, paid part of his rent? Or is that still enabling? Sometimes I feel bad for him because my Dad does not have a job yet and my bro is still on his own (whereas I have a hubby to help bear the burden of the bills) where the bills are concerned. What is your take?


I am thinking if we had an intervention and told him that we would take care of things (his dogs, rent) if he wanted to check into rehab to get clean, that maybe he would be willing. I don't think he has insurance though, so that is an issue. Right now, I am sure he figures he has to pay his bills and cannot be out of work even for a day. But, paying the bills isn't going too well either at this point....

Boy, if I could change this world so that there was no drugs or alcohol.....what a better place the world would be, huh??


Please keep him in your prayers. Maybe if enough people pray for him, he'll be saved. His name is Dennis.

Thanks everyone!
 
you need to do something right away........i completely understand what you are going through, except you still have a chance to help Dennis.......several years back, i lost a great love to an accidental overdose of heroin. i will pray for you!
 
Anything that is going to get him cleaned up, will have to come from him directly. The efort will have to be entirely his own. You did not cause this, you are not responsible for this & YOU can not fix it.

I responded because I could feel the pain in your words. You are such a sensitive soul to even worry about the dogs. God bless your heart.

Janice, you have your own family now, right? Don't feel selfish, but just focus on that. If anyone could shake some sense into an addicts brain, addiction wouldn't kill so many people. If I could personally shake some sense into the brains of people I have known, trust me, they'd be alive today.

But, on a positive note, there are many people that have overcome their addictions & in turn have become more moral, trustworthy, enriched people. They just had to come to a point in their lives when they wanted to change.

If you brother loses his home, his job, & can't pay his bills, Maybe that will slap some sense into him. It's reparable to lose your job & home. It's too late when you lose your life.

Marla
 
I am really sorry Janice. I do know how you feel. My sister is a drug addict and it is very difficult to watch another member of your family engage in such destructive behaviour.

We have been through hell and have supported (but not financially) efforts to take responsibility for her actions. Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom before they can start climbing out of their mess.
Sometimes love means making unpopular choices.


It's been nearly 10 years and at the moment my sister is clean. We just try and support her better lifestyle.

Cheers
Liz :)
 
Hi Janice,
My heart goes out to you as I read your post. I had a brother addicted to all kinds of drugs and alcohol. For years I watched my dad go searching for him finding him in some hole in the wall and dragging him back home. They never gave up on him but he finally left home. Long story short, my brother ended up on the run and had to leave the country. His life was an absolute mess. All I can say is it got to a point where we had done everything we could to help him and he knew we loved him but as an adult we couldn't drag him away, lock him up, and force him to get help. Even if we had, that would not fix the problem until he wanted to change. I will say that my family, our church family, and friends prayed for him for years and years and it was God that finally changed my brother. I was reunited with him and my family for the first time this Christmas. I just shook my head in amazement b/c my brother was back. I hardly remembered him b/c the drugs and alcohol had made him seem like such a stranger. My brother is now working with Youth with a Mission. He wants to encourage Christians in parts of the world where they are being persecuted or having to meet in secret b/c of their faith. He has been totally clean now for 3 years I think. I do believe in maracles b/c his life is one! I will pray for your brother and I do wish there was something I could tell you to do that would make it all better, but there is hope. Know that you are not alone in this.
Angela
 
Janice,
I am so sorry about the pain you are going through. I know from experience it is a difficult battle. There is an answer for you, and that is Al-Anon. I am telling you from experience it works. You can't get the addict to quit, but there is hope. You don't have to go through this alone.

Just for today, I will put all my trust in my Higher Power knowing all is well.

Take Care and God Bless!
 
I know the pain. I posted at Christmas time that my BIL was detoxing on our couch. I had hoped he had reached bottom that time but he has disappeared again. We've tried intervention. He's been to great detox centres and always leaves before he's finished because he knows it all and heads back. He knows it's a rotten way to live but can't seem to pull himself out for any length of time - last time we 'rescued' him (he called at midnight fearing for his life) he said "I've got nothing except my Bible - they've stolen everything else, even my underwear." Yet he goes back to it. It's so sad to watch and so painful.

And we are so helpless. We have an ex-addict who lives near where we do. He goes around and talks at schools because his life is such a success story and he doesn't mince many words when dealing with this stuff. At Cmas he said to me "You can't help him when he can't help himself. You can't be there for him because he's not there for himself." I don't think you should pay his rent - that is enabling.

I'm praying for you, him, and your family. <<hug>>:-( . I cry with you.

Trish
 
I am really annoyed..I just typed a huge response and apparantly it did not come thru......I'll have to type it out later, cuz I just don't have it in me right now. LOL.


Trish...I had wondered how you were. I am sorry that your X-mas deal was not successful permanently.


Angela..Thank you for the inspiring story. Gives me hope that miracles do happen.


I'll post more later...
 
Janice,

I'm new here & don't know you yet, but I would like to offer my support in prayer & positive energy. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed with the problems of someone you love who's unable/unwilling to make their own good decisions. It's a rotten thing when you feel helpless. So often, if we knew what to do to fix things, we would and all would be well.

All I know is that sometimes good things come from places you can't imagine and life does hold it's surprises. My wish for you is that you'll hold on to hope for all of you in this situation and find comfort in knowing that even virtual strangers really do care.

Be strong, be weak, cry, throw a tantrum...just do what you need to do to stay healthy.

Ginny :)
 
Janice,

You know paying his rent would still be enabling him.

An intervention with someone on heroin addiction sounds like a far off chance but it falls under the category of tough love and could be worth a shot. Since you are intent on taking action, this may even make you feel better...to know or think you did something to try and help. And who knows, maybe it would help. Intervention needs to be carefully planned. Have your read up on how it should be done?
 
Candi..yes, we went to a professional. Not the actual interventionist, but the National Coucil of Addiction place or whatever here in Phx. A long time ago, actually. Like I said, his impending prison stay has kept us at bay.

Well, my dad already got the money for the rent......from his enabling mother. One day, we will run out of enablers. It is very hard for the parents of the addict, especially. I am still talking to my sister about the intervention. It's like everyone doesn't want to deal with it. I can't even bear to see my brother, because I see him as my childhood buddy (we are very close in age) and it really rips me apart, even if I don't act like it. For some reason, it is harder to deal with concerning my brother than it is for my father.

Besides, my mom already gave him some money....justifying it because "it was his birthday". Everyone I think just feels so guilty, they want to show that they want to help, but they don't want to do the "toughlove".

Apparantly he is doing some heavy huffing too, because we found those cartridge thingies in his room. Lots of em. We try not to go thru his things, but it is tempting.

We'll see how it turns out.
 
I have been visiting some sites and I wanted to share this little poem that I found on www.soberrecovery.com. I thought that many of you guys could relate to what this man wrote:


What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________





(I LOVE that part about "stop being surprised". REALLY applies for my family!:)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top