Does it REALLY have to be like this?!?

Shadowpup

Cathlete
<snip>
Research is beginning to show that (in schools, at least) the people who stand by and watch someone getting picked on are just as crushing as the bullies themselves, in some instances. I have no desire to attack someone personally, nor is it my right to tell anyone how to talk or act. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone feel like they are one person against 100 and not extend some offer of compassion. And for the life of me, I can't understand why posting an article that might make them feel more informed and LESS alone has to be a personal assault on another Cathlete. WHY do they have to be mutually exclusive?!?

<snip>

PS...As I was posting the characteristics of a serial bully, I couldn't help but think I might have committed about ten of those, in previous threads and at some point in my personal life. I'm sure a couple of people on this very forum would consider me a bully. It made me think...made me genuinely remorseful to those I've hurt with my careless words or actions...and made me determined to be better. Isn't that what we all want? To be better? I do.

Jonezie

Jonezie, one of the things I enjoy about the Open discussion section here is the ability to connect with people on all kinds of topics, from where to buy the best barbells to chocolate oatmeal to serial bullies! I enjoyed the article you posted.

I quoted two paragraphs from you because they particularly resonated with me. Re the first. It's clear you posted that article in the most positive of spirits. Whether one agrees or not with your premise, the fact that you saw a need and responded in a positive problem-solving way is admirable. And I admit I read it thinking primarily about how interesting the research was, and how it fit with my observations of corporate, virtual, personal, and even grade school life :)

Re the second. It's terribly hard to communicate without ever once crossing the line from offering up a perspective into insisting on a view. About the only way to avoid that is to ... never take a position, or reveal your opinion. Jonezie, I suspect you care too deeply about the world and the people in it to relegate yourself to observer status! And so some people will be offended. But would you want to give up having opinions to prevent that?

Please continue providing your humorous and helpful perspective around here; those and your honest self-reflections in your blog makes for a more interesting forum.
 
OK...I have to ask about the dog now. I need details (name, breed, and the story behind dressing the pup in a sweatshirt and getting him/her to pose for photos). Love your avatar!

:)Jonezie
Her name is Lucy, actually I call her "my Lucy" because she is totally my baby. We got her from the a shelter almost 4 years ago when she was a young adult. We had met several dogs, trying to find the one that would be great with the kids and would work for our family and we knew she was the one because when we took her out and walked around with her she let the kids lead on the leash. When we went outside where there were other dogs running around she completely ignored then and focused only on us, and when DS pet her she was so, so gentle with him. The kids and I were totally sold on her, but DH was absolutely against her because she is a pit bull/Doberman mix and to him that meant she had all the makings of the meanest dog possible and he was sure she would end up attacking our kids. Yes, she is a bully breed but she is the BEST dog I have ever had in my entire life. Once DH met her, he saw what I saw in her and we brought her home. She lives only to please us, all she cares about are hugs and she has been the easiest dog to train. My youngest wakes up in the morning and crawls into her dog bed with her and they cuddle, and as you can see she even lets the kids dress her up! She loves everyone, loves all dogs, and we even have some pet rats that she likes to play with. Most of all, and I know this is selfish, she loves me. She watches me everywhere I go, follows me, just wants to be close. It's like she knows I fought for her! Everyday I want to be more like my dog, just loving and forgiving people and not wasting a second chances. :) :) :)

And to answer your question: my kids would totally tell you I'm the meanest person in the world. :p

Melissa
 

Fidget Queen

Cathlete
The Serial Bully thread...I have to say I've received about 15 PM's since posting this thread last night, from people thanking me for speaking up, and people furious because they felt attacked. For those of you who are CONVINCED this post is directed at you, let me say this. Despite what you think, my intention wasn't to attack you. My intention was to connect with the people on this forum who feel alone and ganged up on, in their personal lives or on this forum. There are people who are talking about leaving the forums forever, others who were scared away a year or two ago and are just now returning, and still others who have chosen other "friendlier" forums to frequent. Do you really want that? Don't these people deserve to know there is a camraderie and support system here, available to them, as much as the rest of you do?

Research is beginning to show that (in schools, at least) the people who stand by and watch someone getting picked on are just as crushing as the bullies themselves, in some instances. I have no desire to attack someone personally, nor is it my right to tell anyone how to talk or act. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone feel like they are one person against 100 and not extend some offer of compassion. And for the life of me, I can't understand why posting an article that might make them feel more informed and LESS alone has to be a personal assault on another Cathlete. WHY do they have to be mutually exclusive?!?

PS...As I was posting the characteristics of a serial bully, I couldn't help but think I might have committed about ten of those, in previous threads and at some point in my personal life. I'm sure a couple of people on this very forum would consider me a bully. It made me think...made me genuinely remorseful to those I've hurt with my careless words or actions...and made me determined to be better. Isn't that what we all want? To be better? I do.

Jonezie


I loved your post. It was an eye-opener for me in a weird way. No offense taken here at all. We've all committed some bully-ish acts in our lives. We're human. I don't believe I'm a bully, but perhaps I'm in denial and really do believe I'm superior! :eek:
 

Skyy2

Cathlete
I'm bullied at work.....but maybe it's karma, because I used to be a bully when I was younger. :( Anyway....I like the message.

Skyy
 

Fidget Queen

Cathlete
What??????? You mean to tell me all this time I thought this was a cyber therapy session? ;) I guess I missed that memo. :D I keed, I keed.

I NEED cyber therapy. Badly. Can we do therapy anyway? Please? Pretty Please?

I'm only half-joking here. I use these forums as therapy sometimes as this is the only place in my life where I can relate to a group of like minded women (and sometimes men). There's something therapeutic and special (and maybe weird?) about that. Of course, I'm a sporadic poster, so my opinion doesn't hold much water :).
 

lauramangano

Cathlete
Jonezie - I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your posts and blog. I've seen some pretty negative posts around here lately...some directed at others and some directed at you, but you always seem to remain level headed and respond with the utmost kindness and class. Keep it up.

Laura
 

Liann

Cathlete
This is all I got today.

Ok, I lied. I do have one long winded comment. I think if everyone would just stay out of threads that they don't like the world would be a better place. If it's a topic you think is dumb, boring, irrelevant, slightly offends you for some reason because it has spelling errors, you don't like the font it's typed in or you don't find the humor funny, just WALK AWAY. If more people would walk away instead of putting in their two cents all the time, the majority of these spats wouldn't happen. This is not referring to threads where opinions are actually asked for and healthy debate is encouraged. But that is not what has been happening lately. It's also obvious that there are certain members here who just don't like each other. It's not bullying necessarily because it goes both ways and it's been happening for years. Just IGNORE each other. There's actually a function in the User CP where you can choose to ignore people. I am more than willing to walk anyone through the process. :)
 
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Beavs

Cathlete
Confucius says some with whom you share your funyuns, others for whom you light on fire and leave on their doorstep.
 

sparrow13

Cathlete
This is all I got today.

Ok, I lied. I do have one long winded comment. I think if everyone would just stay out of threads that they don't like the world would be a better place. If it's a topic you think is dumb, boring, irrelevant, slightly offends you for some reason because it has spelling errors, you don't like the font it's typed in or you don't find the humor funny, just WALK AWAY. If more people would walk away instead of putting in their two cents all the time, the majority of these spats wouldn't happen. This is not referring to threads where opinions are actually asked for and healthy debate is encouraged. But that is not what has been happening lately. It's also obvious that there are certain members here who just don't like each other. It's not bullying necessarily because it goes both ways and it's been happening for years. Just IGNORE each other. There's actually a function in the User CP where you can choose to ignore people. I am more than willing to walk anyone through the process. :)

POD.

We all need to embrace the idea that it's actually not always necessary to give one's opinion, especially if one's opinion borders on schoolmarmish lectures and moral indignation over innocuous topics. I say that as someone who once had the tendency to suck the oxygen out of every room I walked into. A lesson hard learned!!
 

plarsen

Cathlete
Great post Liann. You are exactly right. How hard is it to just walk away. I think a lot of the people on these forums enjoy controversy.
 

HaveFun

Cathlete
You're going to make a great Mom because this is exactly what I tell my 4 & 7 year old daughters to do when they bicker with each other - just WALK AWAY and IGNORE each other!! :D;)

This is all I got today.

Ok, I lied. I do have one long winded comment. I think if everyone would just stay out of threads that they don't like the world would be a better place. If it's a topic you think is dumb, boring, irrelevant, slightly offends you for some reason because it has spelling errors, you don't like the font it's typed in or you don't find the humor funny, just WALK AWAY. If more people would walk away instead of putting in their two cents all the time, the majority of these spats wouldn't happen. This is not referring to threads where opinions are actually asked for and healthy debate is encouraged. But that is not what has been happening lately. It's also obvious that there are certain members here who just don't like each other. It's not bullying necessarily because it goes both ways and it's been happening for years. Just IGNORE each other. There's actually a function in the User CP where you can choose to ignore people. I am more than willing to walk anyone through the process. :)
 

Jonezie

Cathlete
Her name is Lucy, actually I call her "my Lucy" because she is totally my baby. We got her from the a shelter almost 4 years ago when she was a young adult. We had met several dogs, trying to find the one that would be great with the kids and would work for our family and we knew she was the one because when we took her out and walked around with her she let the kids lead on the leash. When we went outside where there were other dogs running around she completely ignored then and focused only on us, and when DS pet her she was so, so gentle with him. The kids and I were totally sold on her, but DH was absolutely against her because she is a pit bull/Doberman mix and to him that meant she had all the makings of the meanest dog possible and he was sure she would end up attacking our kids. Yes, she is a bully breed but she is the BEST dog I have ever had in my entire life. Once DH met her, he saw what I saw in her and we brought her home. She lives only to please us, all she cares about are hugs and she has been the easiest dog to train. My youngest wakes up in the morning and crawls into her dog bed with her and they cuddle, and as you can see she even lets the kids dress her up! She loves everyone, loves all dogs, and we even have some pet rats that she likes to play with. Most of all, and I know this is selfish, she loves me. She watches me everywhere I go, follows me, just wants to be close. It's like she knows I fought for her! Everyday I want to be more like my dog, just loving and forgiving people and not wasting a second chances. :) :) :)

And to answer your question: my kids would totally tell you I'm the meanest person in the world. :p

Melissa

Melissa...I LOVE this story! And LOL that you rescued a "bully breed!" You are so right...when they are rescued it seems like they know (and are so grateful) that someone fought for them. It creates such a bond. Have you been following the dog threads lately (and seen the newest Cathlete dog, George)? Lots of dogs lovers here. I don't know about them, but you can never tell me enough dog stories. I don't have children yet so people get to listen to Willoughby stories all the time (although I think that would happen even if I did have children). It's hilarious that Lucy lets the kids dress her up. This explains the expression in her photo...like "The kids dressed me up like this...this was SO not my idea!"

PS...Doesn't every kid in their growing up years think their parents are the meanest?

I'm bullied at work.....but maybe it's karma, because I used to be a bully when I was younger. :( Anyway....I like the message.

Skyy

Skyy...Sorry to hear about your work situation. How long have you had a work bully? It doesn't seem like an easy fix, that's for sure. We have all this research on it, but that only takes us so far. Rising above it or eliminating it from your daily life seems almost impossible. Have you talked to this person? And does he/she bully others at the office? PS...Just for the record, I don't think you're being punished for being a childhood bully. If I were being punished for all the things I did as a kid, I'd have a bright red fanny. ;)

Thanks for your post Jonezie.

Right back at 'ya, friend!

I NEED cyber therapy. Badly. Can we do therapy anyway? Please? Pretty Please?

I'm only half-joking here. I use these forums as therapy sometimes as this is the only place in my life where I can relate to a group of like minded women (and sometimes men). There's something therapeutic and special (and maybe weird?) about that. Of course, I'm a sporadic poster, so my opinion doesn't hold much water :).

Fidget Queen...OF COURSE your opinion matters! And me, too, sister! I feel something very special about this forum, too. It's like a cyber Cheers, where everybody knows your name.

PS...Are you really a fidget queen? I may have to challenge your title...I make people sitting next to me at movies miserable. Anyplace where I have to sit still (church is the worst)...I'm constantly squirming.

Jonezie - I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your posts and blog. I've seen some pretty negative posts around here lately...some directed at others and some directed at you, but you always seem to remain level headed and respond with the utmost kindness and class. Keep it up.

Laura

Laura...thanks for the sweet words, and post! Nothin' but love to you!!

And to all of you who have been so supportive, either by post or PM...you are the best!

:)Jonezie
 

Jonezie

Cathlete
Sorry it took so long to get back to all of you! I loved opening the thread this morning and seeing all of your posts! I did write back to a lot of you...please see my post above.

Liann...yay! It's great seeing you! It seems like you've been gone a couple of days? I second the other poster who said you are going to make a great mom! How are you feeling? And how is the stun gu---I mean, epilator, working out? Are you still liking it?

:)Jonezie
 

Liann

Cathlete
Jonezie - I've been around, just trying to stay out of the more colorful threads. The stun gun is actually working really well and doesn't hurt as bad now. It's just that initial first time that has you crying for mommy.
 

Fidget Queen

Cathlete
Fidget Queen...OF COURSE your opinion matters! And me, too, sister! I feel something very special about this forum, too. It's like a cyber Cheers, where everybody knows your name.

PS...Are you really a fidget queen? I may have to challenge your title...I make people sitting next to me at movies miserable. Anyplace where I have to sit still (church is the worst)...I'm constantly squirming.

Yes, I am quite the fidget. I think I suffer from restless legs, except I get it in my whole body. I'm lethargic all of the time, but heaven forbid I be required to stay in one position for more than a moment or two. I am ALWAYS uncomfortable!

I try harder to be still in public places, but that only makes it worse :). We can share the title :D. I'm not selfish!
 

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