Can a woman fake having a "soft side?"

[LauraMax]

Howdy folks, long time no see! Popped in b/c I need some advice from the ladies. Those of you who know me know that I come off as kind of a tough nut. Although I do have a soft side, it stays well hidden b/c it's afraid of being vulnerable. So even though I'm a very loyal & caring person & would throw myself under a bus for those I love, I keep my distance until I know for sure I can trust someone.

Now, I just started seeing someone & it's going very well. He did, however, say something recently like "you know, guys do like to see a woman's soft side." Well, I don't trust him well enough yet to let my guard down. And I haven't let my guard down in years. So how can I fake that soft side until I trust him? I've been on my own for so long I'm very independent & am quite capable of taking care of myself. Do I need to maybe pretend to need his help from time to time? Do I have to act like a helpless female? Am I supposed to be buying him teddy bears with hearts on them? I am obviously very out of practice at this LOL.

I know many of you will be sweet enough to say "if he doesn't like you the way you are he's not worth it," but I think he's right. I think my defensiveness, and on occasion even offensiveness, has been affecting my personal life. I really like this guy & don't want to screw it up. Can you all please help me?

 

[NY25]

Hi, Laura!! Long time! Anyway, I'm right there with you! I'm exactly the same way, which is likely a reason I'm not seeing anyone. I don't know if I can offer any real solid advise, as I suffer from the same "malady," but you are certainly not alone. What I've tried to begin to do is not necessarily try to fake the soft side, but rather dial back the tough side - in all areas of life. I think it may be working a little bit. Although I admit, it's something I have to consciously do, it is becoming a little more natural and may be allowing the "soft side" to show a little more on occassion. (don't expect this to work if tired or cranky, however!) haha

 

[ImFiddY]

No, you cannot fake a soft side. I'm not a fan of yours, I think your posts can be agressively mean. I think you have a very crunchy skin to protect yourself. You cannot just shake off this crust and allow yourself to be vunerable. It's not who you are.

You can only try to keep the relationship open and with time this guy will find your inner you, if you allow him to.

 

[LauraMax]

No, you cannot fake a soft side. I'm not a fan of yours, I think your posts can be agressively mean. I think you have a very crunchy skin to protect yourself. You cannot just shake off this crust and allow yourself to be vunerable. It's not who you are.

You can only try to keep the relationship open and with time this guy will find your inner you, if you allow him to.

The feeling is mutual ImFiddy. You're the last person from whom I'd ask for advice. I don't even know why you'd respond to this post since you clearly had nothing to say other than insult me. It was purely unnecessary, mean spirited and childish. You should take a look at yourself before you accuse others of being "aggressively mean," because you're one of the nastiest, opinionated, aggressive and mean people on this forum. You're one of the reasons I don't visit here anymore. I'll be blocking you now b/c you're posts are less than worthless.

Donna, I'm sorry you have to go through the same thing. There has got to be a way to let those warm fuzzies we're feeling on the inside show on the outside!

 

[measuredoak]

I agree, I don't think you can fake a soft side, but you can try to tone down the tough side. It takes time; taking baby steps; maybe asking for help when you really need it & not trying to always go it alone (been there done that). It's hard to let one's guard down when it's been up so long but with time it will come. Good luck. I hope things work out.

 

[upnorthchick]

Laura,

This is what I have learned over the years. And I feel REALLY exposed typing this but here goes

Men aren't looking for "a helpless woman" to take care of, but they do like to feel needed and necessary in your life. Men can feel this way with the simplest things: unloading groceries from a car, picking up something heavy for you, fixing something in your house. They also like it when you ask for their opinion/advise on something. Even if it's just to ask them what kind of oil you should put in your car for the winter. I KNOW these things sound simple and trite, but at their core men just want to feel like they are a necessary part of your life.

No need for a "damsal in distress" act-if he's looking for that, RUN! LOL! Maybe just ask for help with something and anytime he offers to help, let him. I have been married for 4 years -after being single for nearly 30 year- and it is humbling for me to ask for and accept help from my husband (or anyone for that matter), but I do it because I love my husband and I know it makes him happy when he feels like he's helping me.

As for what you can do for him: He's probably not looking for teddy bears and hearts (I hope not!) but you can respect him for who his is. NOT in a 'your-the-boss-and-must-show-me-respect' kind of way (again RUN if that's the case) but in way that he knows you won't hurt, belittle, slander him, or embarrass him. I have to work on this too because I tend to be sarcastic and if I have an audience I will go too far with the sarcasm. However, the last thing I want to do is hurt my DH, so I have found a good line where I am still myself but not embarrassing him infront of my friends or his family. As an example; we were on a vacation in AZ a couple of years ago and he had an "incident" with a cactus or tree and though it was funny after it was over, he was slightly embarrassed and asked me not to tell anyone about. And I haven't. He and I will laugh about it but until I hear him relay the story to someone, I won't break that promise. However, the best ways I have found to show my husband that I respect him, is to show him that I appreciate him by valuing his opinions (sometimes I'll even ask him his opinion on something) and accepting his help when he offers.

Well, this is just my 2 cents on the subject of men and how I show my soft side. I'm not a push over. Honestly, a good man doesn't want a push over. He wants someone who will be his friend and partner.

HTH!

 

[LauraMax]

Now THAT is the kind of input I need! Thank you. And thanks Lisa for coming out of your comfort zone & sharing. Honestly I wasn't really comfortable w/my OP b/c it's so personal but like I said, I so do not want to screw this up like I have before!

So I need to tone down the tough side. And yeah, I have a sarcastic, dry sense of humor too. Guess I need to try to sweeten that a little.

Boy is this relationship thing hard! LOL! Being alone is so much easier. But not nearly as fun.

 

[upnorthchick]

Now THAT is the kind of input I need! Thank you. And thanks Lisa for coming out of your comfort zone & sharing. Honestly I wasn't really comfortable w/my OP b/c it's so personal but like I said, I so do not want to screw this up like I have before!

So I need to tone down the tough side. And yeah, I have a sarcastic, dry sense of humor too. Guess I need to try to sweeten that a little.

Boy is this relationship thing hard! LOL! Being alone is so much easier. But not nearly as fun.

Relationships take A LOT of work! But if it's worth it, it doesn't usually feel like too much work. There are days when it does though

I forgot to mention another thing that I do to show my DH that I care and am thinking about him (another thing that men like). I know he loves chocolate turtle brownies so I'll buy him one when I'm out. Or I'll go to the store that his favorite chocolate milk. I did this even when we were dating. It truly is the little things.

 

[tralaiven]

Hi Laura...yikes! lots of history here
anyway... I agree w/ the upnorthchick... men need to be respected and think that their woman thinks that they are wonderful and hero-esque...I personally do not think "a soft side" is the correct term for what they need...they need genuine thank you's and "wow, you did this? That's terrific!" They need someone who will show confidence in them (even when we might be wobbly inside). They need smiles, kindness, and a listening, quiet ear--to give them time to open up...because it is scary to open up to a woman they like because they have a lot of power over them.

Now is all this hypocrisy because I don't "feel" it? No indeed! It is not because it is the desire of my heart to give him what he needs because I am choosing to be with him and like/love him. True like and love is more than feelings===it is choice and actions of the will....I had to toss my crazy feelings (not to insinuate you have crazy feelings--my personal experience) in the garbage can and THINK...what about this man? do I want him? What do I need to do to keep him?

I had to look at the thing analytically and rationally...(which is what men do) and proceed from there and then choose behave according to my objective.

I almost lost my marriage by being tough, when actually, all I needed to do was think of what he needed and not myself all the time (not that you are--personal experience) and then I found that as I did that...he actually became the most wonderful man and met the needs I thought I had to grasp for...which I didn't..I just needed to let go and give. (I am 47 and we have been married 27 yrs)

best wishes to you ---I hope it works out...I really do.

 

[upnorthchick]

Hi Laura...yikes! lots of history here
anyway... I agree w/ the upnorthchick... men need to be respected and think that their woman thinks that they are wonderful and hero-esque...I personally do not think "a soft side" is the correct term for what they need...they need genuine thank you's and "wow, you did this? That's terrific!" They need someone who will show confidence in them (even when we might be wobbly inside). They need smiles, kindness, and a listening, quiet ear--to give them time to open up...because it is scary to open up to a woman they like because they have a lot of power over them.

Now is all this hypocrisy because I don't "feel" it? No indeed! It is not because it is the desire of my heart to give him what he needs because I am choosing to be with him and like/love him. True like and love is more than feelings===it is choice and actions of the will....I had to toss my crazy feelings (not to insinuate you have crazy feelings--my personal experience) in the garbage can and THINK...what about this man? do I want him? What do I need to do to keep him?

I had to look at the thing analytically and rationally...(which is what men do) and proceed from there and then choose behave according to my objective.

I almost lost my marriage by being tough, when actually, all I needed to do was think of what he needed and not myself all the time (not that you are--personal experience) and then I found that as I did that...he actually became the most wonderful man and met the needs I thought I had to grasp for...which I didn't..I just needed to let go and give. (I am 47 and we have been married 27 yrs)

best wishes to you ---I hope it works out...I really do.

ITA!! Well said, Tracy!!

 

[ImFiddY]

The feeling is mutual ImFiddy. You're the last person from whom I'd ask for advice. I don't even know why you'd respond to this post since you clearly had nothing to say other than insult me. It was purely unnecessary, mean spirited and childish. You should take a look at yourself before you accuse others of being "aggressively mean," because you're one of the nastiest, opinionated, aggressive and mean people on this forum. You're one of the reasons I don't visit here anymore. I'll be blocking you now b/c you're posts are less than worthless.

This is a prime example of why I'm not a fan of your posts. There was nothing in my post that insulted you. I only stated that you had a crunchy crust - and you said about the same thing in your post. There was no reason to fire back at me with such a vile response.

 

[Connie07]

I have been happily married for 25 yrs,(together for 30yrs) and no, there is no need to fake anything. I grew up with an abusive father, he had to control everthing and was always talking about how stupid women are...so I was determined NO dam man was gonna treat me like that and I was a lot like you, no trust, no way in hell was I gonna let some man do anything for me! But then I met my hubby....

No need to pretend to need help, just let him help if he wants to,(this was hard for me) this doesn't make you less dependent. Doing things together helps you get to know each other and it builds trust. If you really like this guy, give him a chance because if it works out it will be so worth it! Relationships are hard and take a lot of work.

IMO, most men want the same things we do, to be respected, trusted, and feel like we make difference in their lives. There are some a$$holes out there but I think if we trust our instincts we can spot 'em pretty quick and know when to ditch 'em!

I do know a few women that "pretend" to be helpless and dumb, makes me want to puke! So I know how galling it must be to you to wonder if you "need to pretend" I had to laugh when I read that cuz I know exactly how you feel about that! Good luck!

 

[LauraMax]

Tracey, I'm pretty sure I have that all covered. I like him & respect him very much. I've known him for almost 10 years, we've been very good friends for most of that time. We have a very similar sense of humor, make each other laugh & generally have a blast together.

I just got this "soft side" comment from him the other day. Connie, it's not that I'm galled about pretending, it's just that I've been burned before so I'm not ready to open up to him that much. It's too scary. What I'm trying to figure out is how I can show him it's there without exposing it to him & making myself vulnerable & open to being hurt again. Does that make sense?

OTOH, it may be that he was responding to the fact that I was kind of being warm & fuzzy to him, & he was commenting on it b/c he liked it. This is all quite confusing. Maybe I should just go back to the friendship before I ruin everything.

 

[pinkquinn]

Could you be honest and tell him you are trying to be more open and that it may take time?I know I have panic attacks when I am in a vulnerable situation in relationships, but in my marriage the most head way I have made is opening to my husband. If you think this guy can be trusted maybe you can take baby steps. There is always risk involved with relationships, but no deposit, no return. As you can tell by the verse in my signature, I ultimately trust God with my well being, so it takes alot of the pressure off my DH.

 

[PhyllisG]

I have to say it. You have known him and been good friends with him for 10 years! How long will it take to relax and trust him? He obviously likes you and likes spending time with you. I would say by now he knows you pretty well so there are no real surprises. Let him help you out, don't be sarcastic to the point of being hurtful and remember you don't have to have the last word all the time. Enjoy your relationship.

 

[NY25]

I don't normally get into this stuff, but ImFiddy - your post was way out of line. It was mean-spirited, nasty and yes, insulting and rude. If you don't have something nice to say, try not saying anything. If you're "not a fan" then don't post on Laura's threads in the first place. This kind of stuff is exactly why we "crusty" sorts are crusty in the first place. It was completely unncessary.

 

[LauraMax]

Thanks Donna.

Phyllis, being friends with a guy & being intimate with him are two totally different things. For example, my ex husband was a horrible husband but a great friend. Still is a pretty good friend for that matter. You just don't know what kind of crap a guy's gonna pull on you when you get involved w/them romantically. It's risky & scary. Not to mention, given the fact that we are good friends, I'm afraid of changing that too. And if you think about it, he of all people should know I have that "soft side." He's probably seen it more than almost everyone I know. So confused!

 

[ImFiddY]

I don't normally get into this stuff, but ImFiddy - your post was way out of line. It was mean-spirited, nasty and yes, insulting and rude. If you don't have something nice to say, try not saying anything. If you're "not a fan" then don't post on Laura's threads in the first place. This kind of stuff is exactly why we "crusty" sorts are crusty in the first place. It was completely unncessary.

I actually gave Laura a compliment in that post. I said for her to keep the relationship open and he would discover her inner you. That's not mean, insulting or rude.

I said I was not a fan, why I was not a fan and gave advice. Laura's long history of posts speak for themselves. Remember when she acused some guy of cyber stalking her and he had to get a new login and try to defend himself that it was not him ? How about the time she accused someone of emailing her job to get her in trouble for the things she was saying about her co-workers? She has many people here that do not think kindly of her for good reason.

It's obvious from her history of posts that she has a crunchy exterior and I'm sure underneath all those protection walls she has built that she is a very nice person.

 

[RapidBreath]

I think I really like Lisa's post. I'm a single gal with a crispy exterior, and over the years I have had to learn to curtail my sarcastic side because what seems funny to me can be more hurtful when I think about it later. I've learned to understand that it is usually the way I phrase things rather than the core of the message. Also, I think some of my personality was learned from tv sitcoms which are meant to be humorous depictions of what not to do, so while I am funny its not necessarily something that other people want to be around. I don't know if that is part of the op's issue. That said, I'm still single and I have not found any takers, maybe I need to be taking notes.

I haven't really experienced your 'tough side' so I'm not sure what that entails.

As an example; we were on a vacation in AZ a couple of years ago and he had an "incident" with a cactus or tree and though it was funny after it was over, he was slightly embarrassed and asked me not to tell anyone about.

I have got to respond to Lisa's post, a side note: When I was 6 years old, my family went for a visit to the Grand Canyon, and my brother dared me to jump over the cactus. Much like Marty McFly, I couldn't resist a dare. Needless to say, I did not make it. Can you say ouchie??? They could hear my screams for miles when they used tape to pull the quills out. ouchie. I still have the scars on my butt btw.

 

[DirtDiva]

My husband responds best to my *soft side*. He doesn't tolerate anything abrasive, sarcastic or even slightly condescending and when I really want something, I have to play by the man rules which ends up making me feel manipulative. On occasion he'll have the audacity to say I'm using my *feminine wiles* which of course is really going to cause an argument then. Which way do you want me? Its not easy to be someone else, so it has to be a combination that works best for his personality and yours. Its just too hard to pretend you are someone else for very long. For the record, I don't care for teddy bears and hearts and fluffy things, so it can be a fine balancing act for me.