Update on Splitsville

[dss62467]

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did think of that myself and even said it to him. I said that he agreed to the trial separation, now he wants this retreat, and after the retreat, he'll think of something else. He says that's not what will happen. I won't allow it to happen after, I won't do anything else.

Can you actually put in a divorce agreement that the other person can never get remarried? That dude is messed up. ha ha.

[dss62467]

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did think of that myself and even said it to him. I said that he agreed to the trial separation, now he wants this retreat, and after the retreat, he'll think of something else. He says that's not what will happen. I won't allow it to happen after, I won't do anything else.

Can you actually put in a divorce agreement that the other person can never get remarried? That dude is messed up. ha ha.

[story1267]

Donna, good for you for sticking to your plan. Sounds like you are going about everything in just the right way. I completely agree with other posters about maintaining the high road. It's a commitment that will be tested for sure but it definitely pays in the end.

Good vibes coming your way.

[RunninTeach]

Thanks for sharing the update. I was wondering how your weekend went.

More positive vibes comin' your way.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/e.../th_skiing.gif

[rgi]

Donna -

Just sending some more positive energy your way!

[SirenSongWoman]

I agree with Diane in regards to your children. Take the high road. Young children tend to blame the mom, especially when she initiates the divorce. But children grow up and wise up and when they do they remember who behaved properly and who tried to use and manipulate them when they were too young to do anything about it. If he doesn't start behaving himself, for the sake of his children, he's going to slowly push his children away and will find himself on the outside looking in. Please refrain from promising him anything. Let your attorney handle all that. Just because you're the one leaving it doesn't mean he's not 50% responsible so don't let him guilt-trip you into giving him more than he really deserves after the way he's manipulated YOU. All that said I'm really bothered by the whole hate and disrespect thing. What's he saying? If you waste your entire life doing everything HIS way he won't hate and disrespect you but if you dare to be you, if you dare to want more for yourself, he's going to destroy you? And who is HE to look down on YOU, anyway? Who died and appointed HIM burgermeister??? Please.

He's going to regret that retreat, though. As soon as the mediator figures out there's no way you're staying he/she will wind up spending most of his/her time trying to make HIM understand it's over. Most therapists can figure out what's really going on pretty quickly and his manipulations won't work on a pro. Personally, I think you've put up with enough and should just say no to the retreat, as he's just trying to delay the inevitable. Do you really need that? Just get the divorce and let the chips fall. When you first posted here about your divorce one woman said her husband blamed her for their divorce but soon after found the perfect woman for him. You two aren't a good fit and, in time, he WILL figure out you did him a favor. And if he doesn't? He has issues much bigger than you leaving and it's really not your problem. But again, he'll try to mess with you through the kids so, no matter what, take the high road.

[Sunshine 1528]

BTDT also.

You have got yourself in a good position mentally for both yourself and your daughter. Good for you !

I too was the one who didn't say bad things around the kids and lost a little in the beginning. The police officers in my town even told friends to stay away cuz he was/is so crazy when he drinks (which is nearly always).

The kids believed loads he said in the beginning, but now that they are "adults" completely understand their father's personality and realize mine also.

Best thoughts to you while you are going through this and if you ever need to vent or get advice from someone who could write a book on the worst divorce ever, I just may be your contact }(

[dss62467]

I agree with you about the retreat and the therapist figuring it out early on. When we went to counselling 18 months ago, she figured it out right away and told him there was no fixing it. He didn't like that answer and wanted to find a new therapist. At this point, I'm just humoring him to keep the peace while he's still in the house. My father thinks that by the time May comes around, he won't be so gung-ho on the retreat either. We'll see. The guy doesn't let things go.

One thing he has been doing to get to me bugs me...but not in the way he wants. He has taken on the habit of going out without telling me he's going. I don't know where he is and sometimes I don't even know he's left. I recognize this as a manipulation technique to try to get me upset and ask where he was. Honestly, I couldn't possibly care less. What DOES bother me about it is that he goes out without saying anything to our daughter. He doesn't say goodbye to her or anything. So she'll come to me and ask where he is, and I just say, "I don't know. I guess he went out." How do you think that makes her feel that he can't even say goodbye to her? He did this last night. Came home from work, changed, ate something and then left. Neither of us knew he went anywhere. He didn't get home until after we went to bed. You'd think he'd want to spend some time with his daughter his last week in the house.


"Burgermeister" - ha ha! That's awesome. :-)

[nancy324]

Good for you, Donna! I'm just concerned about whether or not he'll do the right thing and be mature around your daughter. I would consider saying to him "Hate me all you want, just NOT when our daughter is around". I've seen both the best and worst case scenarios, and have absolutely no respect for divorcing parents who get their kids in the middle of things. My brother had a non-hostile divorce, so I know it can be done when both parents put the child first. Good luck!